HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE
- Chris Hyatte
Mariah Carey were black, she would look and sound just like Ashanti –
she who currently possesses the number one album in the country.
imagine Mariah is quite annoyed by this.
sure if you noticed, but currently 1ryderfakin.com has no discernable
theme. What does Flea hope
to accomplish with this website? How
can it make him money? More
importantly, how can it get me some real fame and money for the first
time in my miserable career? I
have no clue. So, why am I
doing this? Because I like
okay, so why not open a blog site?
Actually, I did – good luck finding it.
I that much in denial to think that everyone wants to read MORE of me?
Naaah, more times than not I’m surprised I even have an
audience of any sort. Not
to say that I think I suck. I
know I have some game. I
just have a little problem with my mirror.
It doesn’t like me and I don’t like it.
We try to avoid each other as often as possible.
find the answer, we turn to Neil Gaiman, one of the few
“celebrities” out they’re who actually runs an on-going daily
journal that stays updated almost daily.
He says that he keeps a journal and updates it each morning in
order to “warm up his fingers” for a full day of writing.
I like that idea. It
makes for a good excuse.
the nice thing about this is that once you read through about a dozen or
so of Gaiman’s journals, you can’t help but assess the man. And unless you are completely lacking in the ability to
observe people, you’ll find that Mr. Gaiman is indeed an awfully nice
is where he’s located.
always want to write, write, and write some more, but I am usually very
tired. It’s depressing,
actually. I have about 20
stories running around in my head all the time, each one begging to be
put on paper and rejected by magazine editors.
Ah well, such is the life.
the plus side, I make good money.
the minus side, because I’m never home, my poor macaw is alone all the
time. I keep my radio on
the classical music station all day for him.
I think he likes it. I’m
going to have to sell him soon – to a good home that has no problem
with classical music. I
refuse to sell my bird to someone who will try to get him to like
guess now I’ll answer some questions and offer advice.
You may have wondered what gives me the right to give advice.
What trees have I planted? Plenty
actually, but that’s beside the point.
I can give advice because I’m smart.
More importantly, I know how to…
know what, nevermind that. Just
read my answers and judge for yourself.
Fear of rejection. We all have it. You just have more of it than some.
I said “some” and not “most”.
You are in the majority, my friend.
truth is, we cannot change who we are.
A tiger can’t change his stripes and neither can we.
You were shy yesterday, you are shy right now, and you’ll be
shy tomorrow. If you try to
be outgoing and open, you’ll feel too uncomfortable and that script
you have in your head as to what you want to say will not come out of
your mouth properly. You’ll
feel like a jackass, which is precisely what you are most afraid of.
is nothing wrong with being shy. Use
it to your advantage. Since
you probably don’t speak unless spoken to, then focus on listening.
Listen to people, whether they are talking to you or not.
Learn about them. Gather
knowledge. Be a fly on the wall.
remember, these people aren't better than you.
They are made of the same things you are made of.
If you talk to someone and he or she blows you off – fuck them.
They are probably shallow anyway.
a lot. Watch the Discovery
Channel. Be the smartest
guy in the room. If you
have a sense of humor, use it. Don’t
be afraid of anyone.
me for instance, if someone is rude to me, I belittle them.
If someone blows me off, I goof on them.
I treat people exactly as they treat me – except I’m a world
class ball buster. Yet, if someone is cool with me, I’m very cool with them.
What do I care; they are just people.
No different from me.
if all that fails, just drink some liquor.
Alcohol loosens everyone up.
I think the girl regrets
breaking up with you after that stupid argument and is looking to get
back in with you. If you
want to restart the relationship, then go for it.
the girl just wants you to be her fuckbuddy, and you can handle it as
just that, then have fun.
if you can see yourself falling hard for her, and she really does just
wants to keep this light and fun, then you may have to say no. Contrary to folklore, some women CAN have a torrid, hot
affair and keep emotions out of the equation.
still say go for it. Just
don’t knock her up.
should shoot yourself for trying so hard to be funny.
there is any truth in your question, then my answer is move on.
There are a million girls out there that you will really like and
999,950 of them will have boyfriends.
Find the 50 who don’t and go for it.
Forty of them will turn you down.
Five of the ten who say yes won't “click” with you and things
will not move much passed the first or second date.
But then you’ll have five who you do like, both inside and
serious girlfriends over a lifetime is a respectable number for
anyone… and chances are you’ll end up marrying one of them. Then you’ll divorce her and look; you have four other
future ex-wives to choose from.
not going to change jack shit. Get
that out of your head. The
world’s too big.
winds will take you right to the welfare line.
Most poets are starving and live in shitty basement apartments.
the boring job and make tons of money.
Take night courses because Uncle Sam is footing the bill and why
pass up a free education. Take
your time with college because it’s not going anywhere.
your money. Save it and
build a huge nest egg so you don’t have to stay at that boring job,
unlike the rest of the world who have to because they have a mortgage
and 3.6 mouths to feed.
consider re-enlisting. You
have a job for life, all the food you can eat, free room, free board,
free clothes, and you get to shoot things.
Rise up the ranks and become a General.
Then maybe some President will appoint you Secretary of Defense. Guess what, you’ll now have the power to change the world
and you’ll be wise enough to know what to do with that power.
if that’s not an option, then take the boring job. Take it and stop whining.
You have it better than most.
question is: Why do you
have a mullet in the first place? Have
you EVER watched Jerry Springer?
should be a no-brainer, so why is there an angel on one shoulder and a
devil on the other?
devil says that it’s your hair, do whatever you damn want with it.
What’s the girl gonna do?
Divorce you? If she does, then be glad.
She doesn’t love you and is probably cheating on you.
angel says that if you really love her, and you really want to make her
happy, then do the opposite of cutting it off and grow the whole
she-bang out. Girls love
running their fingers through a person’s long, silky hair.
Give her more to play with.
if you do, you have to take care of it.
Shampoo, conditioner, crème rinse, the whole nine yards.
It’s a bit of a hassle but hey, it’s all about making her
happy – right?
seriously, cut it off. I
don’t care if you live in the shittiest trailer in the deepest part of
Arkansas; a mullet makes you look like an idiot.
You walk in head held high, look for 1602, purchase it with a smile, say thank you to the clerk, walk out head held high, and go home. No one in the shop cares. No one judges you.
And what do you care how you look to a bunch of other clueless losers anyway?
Besides, you’re buying a graphic novel from a critically revered author of note. It’s not like your looking for the latest installment of “Archie and Jughead” or back issues of “Dazzler”.
this is really an issue for you, then go in wearing a suit and tie.
You’ll feel more… “above” the riff raff.
understand that Viagra doesn’t make you a stud, right?
after sex all the guy wants to do is either sleep or eat and more times
than not, they want to do it alone.
The only thing Viagra does is keep the hardon after you climax.
It doesn’t keep you horny.
You still want to eat and/or sleep and you still want the girl
out of there – only now you have a hardon that won’t go away.
is for old people who can’t keep it up.
It’s not for perfectly functional, perfectly randy men.
want to be better in the sack? Practice
control, practice the art of forestalling the climax.
The best way to do it is to stop and switch positions (from her
on top you sit up, then lean her down to missionary, then flip her over
for doggy), this breaks the rhythm and calms you down.
be afraid to use your fingers and tongue either.
for chrissakes… use a little imagination, will ya’?
Stop being so lazy.
means why do the Cubs have a rip-roaring first half then fall apart
after the All-Star break
answer is because of piss poor management, most likely.
In the second half, most teams get “word serious” and really
work under the assumption that from here on out, every win counts.
The Cubbies aren’t a team with a high payroll.
They don’t have too many superstars.
There is a reason they are called superstars; they know how to
blame the owners. Blame the
fact that there are two teams in Chicago that divide the fan’s
interest. Blame the fact
that due to inept spending and trading moves, the Cubbies carry the
permanent stigma of being second-rate.
Blame MLB for putting them on huge road trips against top-flight
the end, it doesn’t matter. Baseball
is baseball. Go to the
games, see the stars, try to catch the foul balls, boo the umps, drink
overpriced beer, eat a hotdog, and have fun.
It’s what you’re supposed to do.
that was fun. See, I know
on the questions. I’ll
answer them all.
a good week.
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