- Chris Hyatte

If Mariah Carey were black, she would look and sound just like Ashanti – she who currently possesses the number one album in the country. 

I imagine Mariah is quite annoyed by this. 

Not sure if you noticed, but currently has no discernable theme.  What does Flea hope to accomplish with this website?  How can it make him money?  More importantly, how can it get me some real fame and money for the first time in my miserable career?  I have no clue.  So, why am I doing this?  Because I like to write. 

Yeah, okay, so why not open a blog site?  Actually, I did – good luck finding it.   

Am I that much in denial to think that everyone wants to read MORE of me?  Naaah, more times than not I’m surprised I even have an audience of any sort.  Not to say that I think I suck.  I know I have some game.  I just have a little problem with my mirror.  It doesn’t like me and I don’t like it.  We try to avoid each other as often as possible.   

To find the answer, we turn to Neil Gaiman, one of the few “celebrities” out they’re who actually runs an on-going daily journal that stays updated almost daily.  He says that he keeps a journal and updates it each morning in order to “warm up his fingers” for a full day of writing.  I like that idea.  It makes for a good excuse. 

Incidentally, the nice thing about this is that once you read through about a dozen or so of Gaiman’s journals, you can’t help but assess the man.  And unless you are completely lacking in the ability to observe people, you’ll find that Mr. Gaiman is indeed an awfully nice fellow. is where he’s located.   

I always want to write, write, and write some more, but I am usually very tired.  It’s depressing, actually.  I have about 20 stories running around in my head all the time, each one begging to be put on paper and rejected by magazine editors.  Ah well, such is the life. 

On the plus side, I make good money.

On the minus side, because I’m never home, my poor macaw is alone all the time.  I keep my radio on the classical music station all day for him.  I think he likes it.  I’m going to have to sell him soon – to a good home that has no problem with classical music.  I refuse to sell my bird to someone who will try to get him to like Zeppelin.   

I guess now I’ll answer some questions and offer advice.  You may have wondered what gives me the right to give advice.  What trees have I planted?  Plenty actually, but that’s beside the point.  I can give advice because I’m smart.  More importantly, I know how to…  

You know what, nevermind that.  Just read my answers and judge for yourself. 

I don't socialize a lot with people...not because I don't like people...I just happen to be very shy towards others....and I always feel I make an idiot of myself when I socialize with others....
I do wanna point out that I am NOT a complete loser....I do have some friends...I will never sit at a table alone during's just that I am not close enough of the friends I do have and I don't really talk to others very much...I wanna get closer to the friends I do have AND be able to socialize with others whom I wouldn't normally have the courage to talk  to.....

So any suggestions?


Fear of rejection.  We all have it.  You just have more of it than some. 

Note I said “some” and not “most”.  You are in the majority, my friend.

The truth is, we cannot change who we are.  A tiger can’t change his stripes and neither can we.  You were shy yesterday, you are shy right now, and you’ll be shy tomorrow.  If you try to be outgoing and open, you’ll feel too uncomfortable and that script you have in your head as to what you want to say will not come out of your mouth properly.  You’ll feel like a jackass, which is precisely what you are most afraid of. 

There is nothing wrong with being shy.  Use it to your advantage.  Since you probably don’t speak unless spoken to, then focus on listening.  Listen to people, whether they are talking to you or not.  Learn about them.  Gather knowledge.  Be a fly on the wall. 

And remember, these people aren't better than you.  They are made of the same things you are made of.  If you talk to someone and he or she blows you off – fuck them.  They are probably shallow anyway.   

Read a lot.  Watch the Discovery Channel.  Be the smartest guy in the room.  If you have a sense of humor, use it.  Don’t be afraid of anyone. 

Like me for instance, if someone is rude to me, I belittle them.  If someone blows me off, I goof on them.  I treat people exactly as they treat me – except I’m a world class ball buster.  Yet, if someone is cool with me, I’m very cool with them.  What do I care; they are just people.  No different from me. 

And if all that fails, just drink some liquor.  Alcohol loosens everyone up. 

About a year ago, I was dating this girl and things were going good, but we had some stupid argument, which I don't remember the jest of, and decided to end the relationship. I've kept pretty close to her, despite the break-up, and just recently she's expressed that she's looking for a "friend with privileges". She's made it pretty clear that she wouldn't mind me being "that friend", and I was wondering whether or not you think I should take her up on her offer.

Thanks in advance,



I think the girl regrets breaking up with you after that stupid argument and is looking to get back in with you.  If you want to restart the relationship, then go for it. 

If the girl just wants you to be her fuckbuddy, and you can handle it as just that, then have fun. 

But if you can see yourself falling hard for her, and she really does just wants to keep this light and fun, then you may have to say no.  Contrary to folklore, some women CAN have a torrid, hot affair and keep emotions out of the equation. 

I still say go for it.  Just don’t knock her up. 

Hey Hyatte, you wanted people to ask you questions so here’s  one for you. There is this girl I like, who likes another guy so I cant be with her, so what do I do? Do I a) Shoot the bitch b) Shoot the guy or c) Shoot both of them? And if I do shoot her, is it best to ass fuck her before or afterwards? Cheers


You should shoot yourself for trying so hard to be funny.   

If there is any truth in your question, then my answer is move on.  There are a million girls out there that you will really like and 999,950 of them will have boyfriends.  Find the 50 who don’t and go for it.  Forty of them will turn you down.  Five of the ten who say yes won't “click” with you and things will not move much passed the first or second date.  But then you’ll have five who you do like, both inside and outside. 

Five serious girlfriends over a lifetime is a respectable number for anyone… and chances are you’ll end up marrying one of them.  Then you’ll divorce her and look; you have four other future ex-wives to choose from.

Whats going on Hyatte, got a question for you. I'll be getting out of the military here shortly and I dont know what to do with my life. I've got 3 options as I see it—

1) Get a job making 60-70k for the government but I would be doing the same job I'm tired of right now (just making a lot more money)

2)  Go to college, I kind of at one time though I was destined to change the world, I think college would be the logical way to go about that.

3)  Go where the winds might take me, I've thought about being an author and would like to do some living before I do that so perhaps just go to some big city and find any job I can get, try to live like the poets of the Chicago Renaissance.

Thanks man any advice is appreciated


You’re not going to change jack shit.  Get that out of your head.  The world’s too big. 

The winds will take you right to the welfare line.  Most poets are starving and live in shitty basement apartments. 

Take the boring job and make tons of money.  Take night courses because Uncle Sam is footing the bill and why pass up a free education.  Take your time with college because it’s not going anywhere. 

Save your money.  Save it and build a huge nest egg so you don’t have to stay at that boring job, unlike the rest of the world who have to because they have a mortgage and 3.6 mouths to feed.   

Or, consider re-enlisting.  You have a job for life, all the food you can eat, free room, free board, free clothes, and you get to shoot things.  Rise up the ranks and become a General.  Then maybe some President will appoint you Secretary of Defense.  Guess what, you’ll now have the power to change the world and you’ll be wise enough to know what to do with that power. 

And if that’s not an option, then take the boring job.  Take it and stop whining.  You have it better than most. 

Hi-8 I have a mullet. Ive had a mullet for about 3 years and I want to cut it but my wife who was my girlfriend at the time is why I grew the dam thing wants me to keep it. I dont need to cut it for work or anything I'm just sick of it. What would you do?


The question is:  Why do you have a mullet in the first place?  Have you EVER watched Jerry Springer? 

This should be a no-brainer, so why is there an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? 

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The devil says that it’s your hair, do whatever you damn want with it.  What’s the girl gonna do?  Divorce you?  If she does, then be glad.  She doesn’t love you and is probably cheating on you. 

The angel says that if you really love her, and you really want to make her happy, then do the opposite of cutting it off and grow the whole she-bang out.  Girls love running their fingers through a person’s long, silky hair.  Give her more to play with. 

Only if you do, you have to take care of it.  Shampoo, conditioner, crème rinse, the whole nine yards.  It’s a bit of a hassle but hey, it’s all about making her happy – right? 

Dude, seriously, cut it off.  I don’t care if you live in the shittiest trailer in the deepest part of Arkansas; a mullet makes you look like an idiot. 

Dilemma: I haven't bought a comic book since I was a kid, but the new Neil Gaimen 1602 series for Marvel interests me a little. How do I go into the comic shop to buy it without looking like a comic book geek, or without looking like the clueless loser? How do I find the happy medium, oh great one?


You walk in head held high, look for 1602, purchase it with a smile, say thank you to the clerk, walk out head held high, and go home.  No one in the shop cares.  No one judges you.

And what do you care how you look to a bunch of other clueless losers anyway?

Besides, you’re buying a graphic novel from a critically revered author of note.  It’s not like your looking for the latest installment of “Archie and Jughead” or back issues of “Dazzler”.

If this is really an issue for you, then go in wearing a suit and tie.  You’ll feel more… “above” the riff raff. 

Dear Hyatte,

Every day I get tons of spam trying to sell me cheap viagra. I've always deleted them instantly... but now, I'm at the point where I think I might like to try it out, except I don't trust spammers. Can you recommend a reputable online source for low-priced viagra? Someplace that won't rip off my credit card, and who won't stiff me (so to speak) with blue-coated sugar pills.

Simon Templar


You understand that Viagra doesn’t make you a stud, right?   

Look, after sex all the guy wants to do is either sleep or eat and more times than not, they want to do it alone.  The only thing Viagra does is keep the hardon after you climax.  It doesn’t keep you horny.  You still want to eat and/or sleep and you still want the girl out of there – only now you have a hardon that won’t go away. 

Viagra is for old people who can’t keep it up.  It’s not for perfectly functional, perfectly randy men. 

You want to be better in the sack?  Practice control, practice the art of forestalling the climax.  The best way to do it is to stop and switch positions (from her on top you sit up, then lean her down to missionary, then flip her over for doggy), this breaks the rhythm and calms you down.   

Don’t be afraid to use your fingers and tongue either. 

Viagra… for chrissakes… use a little imagination, will ya’?  Stop being so lazy. 

Why do the Cubs always have a June Swoon? 


She means why do the Cubs have a rip-roaring first half then fall apart after the All-Star break 

The answer is because of piss poor management, most likely.  In the second half, most teams get “word serious” and really work under the assumption that from here on out, every win counts.  The Cubbies aren’t a team with a high payroll.  They don’t have too many superstars.  There is a reason they are called superstars; they know how to win. 

So, blame the owners.  Blame the fact that there are two teams in Chicago that divide the fan’s interest.  Blame the fact that due to inept spending and trading moves, the Cubbies carry the permanent stigma of being second-rate.  Blame MLB for putting them on huge road trips against top-flight teams. 

In the end, it doesn’t matter.  Baseball is baseball.  Go to the games, see the stars, try to catch the foul balls, boo the umps, drink overpriced beer, eat a hotdog, and have fun.  It’s what you’re supposed to do. 

Well, that was fun.  See, I know my shit. 

Bring on the questions.  I’ll answer them all. 

Have a good week. 

This is Hyatte


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