HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE
- Chris Hyatte
can already make one prediction for next year’s Oscar telecast.
will be more standing ovations next year then ever before.
the whole Best whatever nonsense - that’s just Hollywood people
congratulating each other on yanking money out of the wallets of the
unwashed ugly people. My
favorite part of any given Oscar telecast is when they honor those who
died that year. You can
assess their place in the grand scheme of things by the level of
applause each person gets.
so far we have Bob Hope, Gregory Peck, Katherine Hepburn, Buddy Ebsen,
and Buddy Hackett. It’s
only August; we still have four months for stars to vie for contention
by dropping dead.
opinion, it’s a horserace between Hope and Hepburn. Gregory Peck will finish a close second, Ebsen will hit a
distant third, and Hackett will get a smattering of respectful applause.
I’m also picking Ebsen as the dark horse.
He may shock the world and get a 10 minute standing ovation when
his face pops on screen. It
all depends on how much campaigning his family does.
second favorite part of the “In Memory” segment is the inevitable
“HE (SHE) DIED? No WAY??
WHEN??” comment that I always have, usually more than once,
should make for a thrilling Oscar night.
like what’s happening here. Last
week’s input far exceeded the first week.
This tells me you enjoy my advice and think it’s either smart,
amusing, or smamusing. We
have a pleasant balance of different questions this week, so let’s get
first letter is lengthy, and it’s also the most serious of the bunch.
Therefore, it’ll start off the show.
Oh yeah, I’ve got
something to say.
both are fucking lunatics.
want you to go to a doctor and get one of those pills that renders the
penis useless other than for pissing.
Enough for a few days, okay.
I want you to use that muscle sitting behind your eyes and protected by
the hardest bone in your body. You
know, the brain. It’s
something that I don’t think you have been using for a while now.
All your thinking has been done with you heart and your prick.
about how unstable this Florida girl is, she is frightened, unsure, and
paranoid. Hooking up with
you was a complete desperation move.
She was alone, had a second bun ready to come out of the oven,
and scared out of her mind. I’m
willing to bet she is in her early 20’s and you are touching late
20’s/early 30’s. You are her rebound act, bro’.
You are a floatation device she grabbed when she felt her head
about to go under for good.
what good are one of those devices once she hits dry land.
Then she gets to examine the device and see all the little holes
and flaws. “This can’t
keep me from drowning again,” she thinks. “I can’t trust this to keep my from sinking.”
know your hurting. I know
you feel all torn up inside. Get
Jesus H. You’ve known her
for a few months past a year and you’re already proposing marriage??
Why the hell are you rushing into anything?
Man alive – both of you should take a few YEARS - not months
– YEARS to just sit back, relax, and breath.
A brand new marriage is just unneeded stress on both parties.
You kids need stability and lots of it.
Marriage is pressure and work.
There’s a reason why 80% of them fail, people underestimate the
energy required to make it work.
jackass, if it appears that I’m being rough on you, well there’s a
good reason for it. From
what I can tell, you’re relationship troubles have effected no less
than five children, three of them came directly from your seed; yet your
e-mail hardly touches the topic. These
kids (and trust me, the Florida girl gets to share a lot of the blame
here too), are probably fucked up in ways they don’t even realize yet
because Daddy and both Mommies can’t get their shit together.
How selfish. Yeah,
Daddy ups and leaves for Florida. Did
you bother to say goodbye?
son. Time heals all wounds.
Everyone involved in your life has a lot of healing to go through
- yourself included. Please,
let’s give all of you the time to do it.
a fractured, unstable relationship, we jump a few steps back and deal
with what to look for when finding the “right one.”
Most hot girls are
idiots, most “ordinary” girls aren’t.
It really seems that way, does it?
never met a truly “shallow” person… well, yes I have, but they
really do come few and far between.
But seeing how it takes most people a few dates before “opening
up” and showing off the real person, let’s focus on what we
initially get when we meet a girl: let’s talk about what we get before
she lets her guard down and opens up.)
Hot girls are idiots
because they don’t have to be anything else.
They are used to being the focus of a guy’s attention.
They are used to having their ass kissed.
So many guys have paid attention to them for so long that they
are convinced they are fascinating people.
Girls love and love and love to talk about themselves – because
they think guys love and love and love to hear what they have to say.
Whether they know the guy is just biding his time until she
spreads for him is another question – I tend to think yes.
Hot girls are idiots
because they have no reason to improve their conversational skills.
Judging by the way everyone treats them, they are already the
most fascinating person on the planet.
Ordinary girls know they are ordinary, and they hate the hotties, or at least resent them, so they also know that they have to work just a little harder to keep a guy’s attention.
They are also a lot
more fun to hang with, a lot better in bed, and more forgiving when you
By the way, all girls
are dragon slayers. Whatever
personal, emotional stress they have had in their life, they WILL
explain every last detail of it to you, always in a waaay-overdramatic
fashion. I don’t know
why, but girls LOOOVE to go on and on about the dragons they have
defeated (and oh yes, they will tell you how they’ve overcome all of
their hardships. They love
bragging about all the dragons they have battled).
You’ll just have to get used to it.
My advice, date/boff
no more or less than 3-5 hot girls to get it out of your system, then
hook up with an ordinary girl and build a real relationship with her.
Here’s another incentive: Hot girls never, EVER stay hot into their thirties – not without major and expensive surgery. Ordinary girls hit the wall in their thirties too, but the damage is not so severe. In the long run, she stays more or less the same.
Yes, you are shallow.
All guys who want to get laid early and often usually are.
Mind your own fucking business. You have your own problems to deal with.
girl is pregnant, young, and scared.
She’s probably thinks she’s in love with the guy.
won’t pay attention to any advice you give.
Go ahead, beg her to reconsider, see what happens.
she’ll survive. 99% of
cases like these do.
change topics for a while.
National Public Radio? Isn’t
that the place where the President gives his weekly radio address?
will remain because it makes the other commercial radio stations – AM
& FM – feel as if they don’t have to do anything for the public.
NPR takes their guilt away so they can just focus on block party
weekends, ticket giveaways, syndicating Howard Stern or homegrowing a
pair of local Stern imitators, and condensing their playlist more and
more to target a more unique demographic in order to raid advertisers
for as much money as they can.
giants like Clearwater Communications and Infinity Broadcasting will
continue to gobble up each and every last radio station until the only
radio station LEFT is the one they can’t touch, the one that delivers
the “wholesome, educational” material that every form of media needs
(by Government Mandate) in order to stay alive.
of course, is National Public Radio.
isn’t going anywhere because it’s there for a reason: So every other
station can make money.
I’ll make this simple.
is a God. There is a
Heaven. I believe that and
I love Him.
do NOT, however, believe in organized religion. I am a Roman Catholic and I’m happy to be one, but I
don’t go to Church; I don’t go to confession; and I think Priests
are valuable only as spiritual advisors and can provide a soothing voice
to guide those who need comfort.
refuse to buy into the whole “our religion is the one that God
cherishes above all and the other ones are leading their followers right
to Hell” concept. I think
that if you have your own relationship with God and if you are 100%
confident that He is listening and he forgives you for your bad ways (so
long as you remain a “good” person), then that’s the best you can
hope for and that’s the best way to live your life.
also laugh at people who think they can fathom God. He is beyond anything little germs like us could possibly
imagine. To me, assuming to
know God is the greatest sin you can commit, and it shows a level of
do not believe there is a Hell either.
Occasionally, a few born-again Christ folks will tell me that
Hell entails “burning in a lake of fire.”
Excuse me but, if you’re dead then you have no nerve endings,
how can you burn? You
can’t feel a thing.
think Hell is merely the absence of Heaven.
Not getting into Heaven is Hell… whether it be walking the
planet as an intangible, invisible ghost or just winking out of
there is a Satan though’. Oh
yes. His job is to keep you
out of Heaven, by any means possible.
And he’s smarter than you are, so watch your ass and don’t
mess with him.
Let’s see… Christ?
Yeah, that was the Son of God, the real guy, who once walked the
planet. No flimflam artist
there. He was the real
deal. No bullshit.
Well, for starters,
face facts… writing stories is hard work.
It takes time, energy, and more imagination than most people are
Stephen King makes it
so easy, I know. Well every
story he writes goes through anywhere from 2 to four drafts before he
sends it to his publisher… then the publisher tears it apart and sends
it back to him for even more re-writes.
It’s a long, arduous process.
The only thing I can
really suggest is… well; I have two things, actually:
Stop stuffing your computer with half-assed stories and stupid
ideas. You are no longer
allowed to have a single new thought until you complete all those other
stories you have. If these
brilliant ideas are strong enough, they’ll stick in your head forever.
Hell, I have about 20 stories in my head right now, but I only
write one at a time, and do nothing else until I’m done with it.
Everyone in the world thinks they can write a story, until they
actually attempt to write one.
Grow up. No, really.
You’re what? Sixteen? Seventeen?
You don’t know shit, you haven’t lived shit, and the only
story you could possibly tell is of how a few linemen from your
school’s football team dunked your head in the toilet.
You cannot possibly write anything that draws on life experience
that people could relate to. You need to have lived a little before you can write about
it. Right now, unless God
gave you a very special gift, the best you can do is write stuff derived
from your favorite author - or even the last book you read. Nothing fresh, original, or sellable about that.
Here’s a bonus for you and it’s very easy.
Read. Read anything
and everything you can get your hands on.
Read different genres and different authors. Read, read, and read until your eyes bleed… then read some
Learn to talk to people. Learn
to observe people. Learn to
understand human nature. There
- another bonus.
You are competing against a million other people.
Depends on what kind
Actually, I can only give you a very vague, “common sense” answer here, as I have never started my own business and was drunk during many of my elective business classes.
You seem to be on the
right track – off to a solid start.
My best suggestion is
to remember the two most important words to starting a business:
Supply & Demand.
Say your business
involves catering to the public. Let’s
keep it simple and say you want to open a coffee shop.
Why open a coffee shop across the street from three established
coffee shops? No, you’d
want to open one someplace where coffee shops are few and far between. Scout locations. Find
a spot where there is a wealth of potential customers yet there is no
coffee shop in the vicinity to cater to their needs.
SUPPLY a coffee shop someplace where DEMAND for a coffee shop is
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION is the key.
Think long and hard
about the name of your coffee shop too.
Don’t make it too cute, or too serious.
Something eye-catching. Same
with the slogan. Come up
with a slogan that people will remember and enjoy.
You’ve got to get them in the place before you can serve them.
Here’s an example.
I once had a squirrel in my walls.
So I looked in the phone book and saw several different pest
control companies. The one
I picked is called Little Rhody
Pest Control. Why?
Because their slogan was “We Remove Alligators For Free”.
You have a better
chance of seeing a hairless Italian than you do an alligator in Rhode
However, the slogan
caught my eye, made me smile, and made me give them my business.
So there you go.
Here’s a bonus
pointer: I don’t know
where you live, but where I live, places like Krispy
Kreme, and Starbucks only
have a couple of franchises in the area.
Hook up with a successful franchise that hasn’t broken into
your end of the country yet and open one up.
I only say this because it is a known fact that seven out of
every ten new businesses close within the first two years.
Go with a winner and increase you chances.
By the way, Little
Rhody Pest Removal has since gone
out of business. The moral
here is clear: There is no
such thing as a sure thing.
Now this person asked seven different questions in a row, and all of them only need a quick answer.
Because, as I said just a couple of answers ago, Hell, no matter what it is, is no fun. Idiots like you and I could not come anywhere close to the vicinity of imagining how wonderful Heaven is. We couldn’t even begin to imagine the amount of love one would feel in Heaven. They say God’s love is limitless. I tend to believe that.
None of the above.
I support different agendas from different parties.
Mostly, I just go on whom I like better during any given
election. I liked Bush over
Gore because Gore tried too hard to be all things to all people and came
across as a total phony. Our
President appeared to be just himself. Take that however you wish but understand that I always go
with my gut feeling.
Plus, I hated Clinton.
I wanted him, and every last bit of his administrative residue
out of the White House. Even
though Gore worked real hard to distance himself from Clinton, it
didn’t make a difference to me. Gore
was Clinton 2.0, only a little smarter.
Besides, I personally felt a whole lot better having GW in the
Oval Office on 9-11 (not that he as actually IN the Oval Office, but you
know what I mean) than Gore. Again,
it’s all gut instinct here.
Incidentally, I have never voted. Not once. I have such inherent distrust for all “public servants” that I wouldn’t waste my time. Does this come from the fact that I live in a part of the country where star-struck rubes and ridiculously simple-minded sheep keep a Kennedy in office based solely on the name? Probably.
It shouldn’t be -
but more times than not, it’s usually the case on both counts.
You are a man for
what’s inside you, not because of a fucking goatee.
are a cliché now anyway. Everyone
has one. Nothing individual
about it anymore.
Grow it because you want to, not because all the cool kids have them.
Flea possesses a photograph of me, yes.
No, it’s not the dude in my previous column.
far as I know (and based on Flea’s word, which I trust 100%) the
picture in question is not online.
I mailed it to him. MAILED,
girls ask me for pictures of myself.
I can’t help them. Being
the kind of Internet “Celebrity” that I am, I can’t afford to have
my picture out there for people to mock.
promise you this. I am much
better looking than Scott Keith.
Would’ve liked to have seen her in action. She’s cute enough. She has great, full, sexy lips. I love her voice. It’s sulty, rich, and articulate. I could listen to her speak on the radio and get turned on, even if she was reading her grocery list.
I’ve been known to settle back with a glass of Jack and chill
out on some cool Jazz. I
also enjoy some classical music. I
tend to like individual songs rather than genres.
liking this, and I guess you like this too.
remember, no wrestling questions. I
MAY entertain the occasional IWC question, but not too many.
Try to figure out what questions goes best here and which one
goes best in the MidNews. Use
your best judgment
on the questions. I’ll
answer them all.
This is Hyatte
send feedback to Hyatte - GLORYDOG@COX.NET