HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE

 - Chris Hyatte

I can already make one prediction for next year’s Oscar telecast. 

There will be more standing ovations next year then ever before.  

Nevermind the whole Best whatever nonsense - that’s just Hollywood people congratulating each other on yanking money out of the wallets of the unwashed ugly people.  My favorite part of any given Oscar telecast is when they honor those who died that year.  You can assess their place in the grand scheme of things by the level of applause each person gets. 

Well, so far we have Bob Hope, Gregory Peck, Katherine Hepburn, Buddy Ebsen, and Buddy Hackett.  It’s only August; we still have four months for stars to vie for contention by dropping dead. 

My opinion, it’s a horserace between Hope and Hepburn.  Gregory Peck will finish a close second, Ebsen will hit a distant third, and Hackett will get a smattering of respectful applause.  I’m also picking Ebsen as the dark horse.  He may shock the world and get a 10 minute standing ovation when his face pops on screen.  It all depends on how much campaigning his family does. 

The second favorite part of the “In Memory” segment is the inevitable “HE (SHE) DIED?  No WAY??  WHEN??” comment that I always have, usually more than once, each year. 

Anyway, should make for a thrilling Oscar night. 

I like what’s happening here.  Last week’s input far exceeded the first week.  This tells me you enjoy my advice and think it’s either smart, amusing, or smamusing.  We have a pleasant balance of different questions this week, so let’s get to them. 

This first letter is lengthy, and it’s also the most serious of the bunch.  Therefore, it’ll start off the show. 

Hyatte,  

I'm not going to pretend that you have any or all of the answers to this; I'm just looking for some advice.  Some fresh advice from someone who doesn't know me or her and might have a take on this that I haven't thought of.  

I know it's not "cool" or "macho" or "manly" to say, but I'm hurting inside, and it's eating me up. I met my girlfriend on the internet in February of 2002. Like all things internet related, at least so far as the "chat community" is concerned, it moved fast. I'm not sure if it's the long distances or the fact that you get to know people quicker, but we met face to face the first time in May of that year in Florida, where she was from, met a second time in Illinois, where I was at, then I moved to Florida to be with her. I left my job I'd been at for 7 years, I left my three kids from a failed marriage, and I left everything I'd known since 1995 for this woman.  

It was a miserable failure. I loved her, she loved me, but we just didn't "click". I moved back to Illinois in November, got my job back, spent time with my kids, and got reaquainted with my life. Then she called me at the hotel I was living at those first few weeks and told me that our seperation was a mistake. She moved here to be with me in January of this year.  

This time it worked. We still had issues, all couples do, but we WORKED THROUGH THEM. I was a father to her kids that they hadn't had since he walked out on them all, she acted like a friend and a mother figure to my kids which they needed, and we formed a family. Until July 19th of this year, when she decided to leave and move to Washington State to be with her family.  

She had left for a week long family reunion at the end of June, during which time we had issues. I was home alone, missing her terribly, and all I wanted was an occassional call and some interest shown to me. In other words, I acted like a jackass. She was there having a blast, and all she wanted, I think, was a chance to be with her family and miss me. We argued and fought on the phone, but it wasn't "major" in my eyes. I still did what I had planned to do when she got home on July 8. I proposed. She said no. She told me she wanted to end things, that it was too hard, and that she wasn't sure I was where she wanted or needed to be. The next day she took it all back, and asked me to ask her again. I did. She said yes. Three days later she was giving me the ring back, telling me she needed some time alone, with her kids of course, to think and decide what she wanted. She claimed her mind was changing daily regarding what she wanted and where she wanted to be. She loved me, she said this over and over and was emphatic about it, but she needed this time. We cried, we laughed, we loved, and we fought all the way until July 19 when she loaded some of her stuff and her kids and left.  

Her ex-husband had left her high and dry when she was about 7 months pregnant with their second child. That was in September of 2001, five months before we "met" on the internet, and I am well aware of how much this fucked her up in her mind. She felt that she couldn't trust again, she felt that nobody and nothing was forever, and she felt that no matter what when it was all said and done EVERYONE would wind up metaphorically walking out on her when she was 7 months pregnant from there on out.  

Okay, the backstory is done. As it stands now she's going to call me today or tomorrow and we'll talk. I'm getting an address to forward her mail to, and we'll see where things stand. We set up August 30, six weeks after she left, as the date that we get together on the phone to talk and see where WE stand as a couple and a family if things aren't decided before then. But as I said, I'm hurting inside in a way I can't describe. I feel as if my life is falling apart around me and there's nothing I can do. This hurts worse than when my ex and myself split up after a seven year marriage. I want to tell her these things, and before she left I did somewhat, but I'm scared I'll look needy and drive her further away. On the other hand I feel that if I pretend that things are fine without her she'll see that as a sign that we aren't meant to be together. All I want is to have my family back, to take care of her and what I think of as OUR kids, and get a semblance of our life back together, no matter the cost.  

I don't expect a flash from above type of answer to solve all of my problems, I really am just looking for a new perspective on things. I'm also aware that this is probably too long to respond to, as I seem to have rambled on a bit, and for that I'm sorry. If you have anything, I'd love to hear it.  

Thanks in advance,  

TGC

Oh yeah, I’ve got something to say. 

You both are fucking lunatics. 

I want you to go to a doctor and get one of those pills that renders the penis useless other than for pissing.  Enough for a few days, okay. 

Then I want you to use that muscle sitting behind your eyes and protected by the hardest bone in your body.  You know, the brain.  It’s something that I don’t think you have been using for a while now.  All your thinking has been done with you heart and your prick.

 Think about how unstable this Florida girl is, she is frightened, unsure, and paranoid.  Hooking up with you was a complete desperation move.  She was alone, had a second bun ready to come out of the oven, and scared out of her mind.  I’m willing to bet she is in her early 20’s and you are touching late 20’s/early 30’s.  You are her rebound act, bro’.  You are a floatation device she grabbed when she felt her head about to go under for good. 

So what good are one of those devices once she hits dry land.  Then she gets to examine the device and see all the little holes and flaws.  “This can’t keep me from drowning again,” she thinks.  “I can’t trust this to keep my from sinking.”

 I know your hurting.  I know you feel all torn up inside.  Get over it.

 And Jesus H.  You’ve known her for a few months past a year and you’re already proposing marriage??  Why the hell are you rushing into anything?  Man alive – both of you should take a few YEARS - not months – YEARS to just sit back, relax, and breath.  A brand new marriage is just unneeded stress on both parties.  You kids need stability and lots of it.  Marriage is pressure and work.  There’s a reason why 80% of them fail, people underestimate the energy required to make it work.

And jackass, if it appears that I’m being rough on you, well there’s a good reason for it.  From what I can tell, you’re relationship troubles have effected no less than five children, three of them came directly from your seed; yet your e-mail hardly touches the topic.  These kids (and trust me, the Florida girl gets to share a lot of the blame here too), are probably fucked up in ways they don’t even realize yet because Daddy and both Mommies can’t get their shit together.  How selfish.  Yeah, Daddy ups and leaves for Florida.  Did you bother to say goodbye?

Time, son.  Time heals all wounds.  Everyone involved in your life has a lot of healing to go through - yourself included.  Please, let’s give all of you the time to do it. 

From a fractured, unstable relationship, we jump a few steps back and deal with what to look for when finding the “right one.” 

Why is it that most hot girls are idiots who can't seem to carry on the least bit of interesting conversation? And why is it that the ones I do enjoy being with aren't that visually appealing???  

Am I being too shallow?

Should I settle for someone who's looks aren't as great as their personality or should I just go with a token trophy girlfriend?

Johnny

Most hot girls are idiots, most “ordinary” girls aren’t.  It really seems that way, does it?

(Actually, I’ve never met a truly “shallow” person… well, yes I have, but they really do come few and far between.  But seeing how it takes most people a few dates before “opening up” and showing off the real person, let’s focus on what we initially get when we meet a girl: let’s talk about what we get before she lets her guard down and opens up.) 

Hot girls are idiots because they don’t have to be anything else.  They are used to being the focus of a guy’s attention.  They are used to having their ass kissed.  So many guys have paid attention to them for so long that they are convinced they are fascinating people.  Girls love and love and love to talk about themselves – because they think guys love and love and love to hear what they have to say.  Whether they know the guy is just biding his time until she spreads for him is another question – I tend to think yes. 

Hot girls are idiots because they have no reason to improve their conversational skills.  Judging by the way everyone treats them, they are already the most fascinating person on the planet. 

Ordinary girls know they are ordinary, and they hate the hotties, or at least resent them, so they also know that they have to work just a little harder to keep a guy’s attention.

They are also a lot more fun to hang with, a lot better in bed, and more forgiving when you fuck up. 

By the way, all girls are dragon slayers.  Whatever personal, emotional stress they have had in their life, they WILL explain every last detail of it to you, always in a waaay-overdramatic fashion.  I don’t know why, but girls LOOOVE to go on and on about the dragons they have defeated (and oh yes, they will tell you how they’ve overcome all of their hardships.  They love bragging about all the dragons they have battled).  You’ll just have to get used to it. 

My advice, date/boff no more or less than 3-5 hot girls to get it out of your system, then hook up with an ordinary girl and build a real relationship with her. 

Here’s another incentive: Hot girls never, EVER stay hot into their thirties – not without major and expensive surgery.  Ordinary girls hit the wall in their thirties too, but the damage is not so severe.  In the long run, she stays more or less the same.  

Yes, you are shallow.  All guys who want to get laid early and often usually are. 

I got a friend, in her late teens, who got pregnant by her boyfriend whom she known for under a year.  She plans on moving out with him and supporting herself... I dont think she can make it on her own... what advice should I give her from you?  

Lenny

Mind your own fucking business.  You have your own problems to deal with.

 The girl is pregnant, young, and scared.  She’s probably thinks she’s in love with the guy.   

She won’t pay attention to any advice you give.  Go ahead, beg her to reconsider, see what happens.   

Relax, she’ll survive.  99% of cases like these do. 

Let’s change topics for a while. 

Why do we still fund that dinosaur that is NPR?

 Chris

National Public Radio?  Isn’t that the place where the President gives his weekly radio address? 

NPR will remain because it makes the other commercial radio stations – AM & FM – feel as if they don’t have to do anything for the public.   NPR takes their guilt away so they can just focus on block party weekends, ticket giveaways, syndicating Howard Stern or homegrowing a pair of local Stern imitators, and condensing their playlist more and more to target a more unique demographic in order to raid advertisers for as much money as they can.   

Corporate giants like Clearwater Communications and Infinity Broadcasting will continue to gobble up each and every last radio station until the only radio station LEFT is the one they can’t touch, the one that delivers the “wholesome, educational” material that every form of media needs (by Government Mandate) in order to stay alive.   

That, of course, is National Public Radio. 

It isn’t going anywhere because it’s there for a reason: So every other station can make money. 

What's your whole philosophy on religion? You've made some interesting comments about it in the past. What does the king of the known wrestling online universe think about the higher powers?

Thanks again.

Alan

I’ll make this simple. 

There is a God.  There is a Heaven.  I believe that and I love Him. 

I do NOT, however, believe in organized religion.  I am a Roman Catholic and I’m happy to be one, but I don’t go to Church; I don’t go to confession; and I think Priests are valuable only as spiritual advisors and can provide a soothing voice to guide those who need comfort. 

I refuse to buy into the whole “our religion is the one that God cherishes above all and the other ones are leading their followers right to Hell” concept.  I think that if you have your own relationship with God and if you are 100% confident that He is listening and he forgives you for your bad ways (so long as you remain a “good” person), then that’s the best you can hope for and that’s the best way to live your life. 

I also laugh at people who think they can fathom God.  He is beyond anything little germs like us could possibly imagine.  To me, assuming to know God is the greatest sin you can commit, and it shows a level of unbelievable arrogance. 

I do not believe there is a Hell either.  Occasionally, a few born-again Christ folks will tell me that Hell entails “burning in a lake of fire.”  Excuse me but, if you’re dead then you have no nerve endings, how can you burn?  You can’t feel a thing.   

I think Hell is merely the absence of Heaven.  Not getting into Heaven is Hell… whether it be walking the planet as an intangible, invisible ghost or just winking out of existence forever. 

But there is a Satan though’.  Oh yes.  His job is to keep you out of Heaven, by any means possible.  And he’s smarter than you are, so watch your ass and don’t mess with him. 

I’m serious. 

Let’s see… Christ?  Yeah, that was the Son of God, the real guy, who once walked the planet.  No flimflam artist there.  He was the real deal.  No bullshit. 

Hey Hyatte,

Got another question for you this week. I've been writing short stories since I was in the seventh grade, and over the years I've improved quite a bit. Writing is something I enjoy quite a bit, and although I am entering my Junior year in High School, I've yet to decide on what exactly I plan on doing once I get out. I would like to be able to write novels, or collections or short stories for a living, but I have a problem with sticking to an idea once it gets rolling. My hard drive is stuffed with half-finished stories, planned out ideas that I never got around to, and  other things of the sort. My question for you is, how would you suggest becoming more dedicated to what I do?

Thanks,

Dave

Well, for starters, face facts… writing stories is hard work.  It takes time, energy, and more imagination than most people are capable of.  

Stephen King makes it so easy, I know.  Well every story he writes goes through anywhere from 2 to four drafts before he sends it to his publisher… then the publisher tears it apart and sends it back to him for even more re-writes.  It’s a long, arduous process. 

The only thing I can really suggest is… well; I have two things, actually: 

1-     Stop stuffing your computer with half-assed stories and stupid ideas.  You are no longer allowed to have a single new thought until you complete all those other stories you have.  If these brilliant ideas are strong enough, they’ll stick in your head forever.  Hell, I have about 20 stories in my head right now, but I only write one at a time, and do nothing else until I’m done with it.  Everyone in the world thinks they can write a story, until they actually attempt to write one. 

2-     Grow up.  No, really.  You’re what?  Sixteen?  Seventeen?  You don’t know shit, you haven’t lived shit, and the only story you could possibly tell is of how a few linemen from your school’s football team dunked your head in the toilet.  You cannot possibly write anything that draws on life experience that people could relate to.  You need to have lived a little before you can write about it.  Right now, unless God gave you a very special gift, the best you can do is write stuff derived from your favorite author - or even the last book you read.  Nothing fresh, original, or sellable about that. 

3-     Here’s a bonus for you and it’s very easy.  Read.  Read anything and everything you can get your hands on.  Read different genres and different authors.  Read, read, and read until your eyes bleed… then read some more. 

4-     Learn to talk to people.  Learn to observe people.  Learn to understand human nature.  There - another bonus. 

Good luck.  You are competing against a million other people.  

I'm considering starting my own business in the next few years. I'm taking some college courses and doing interviews with business owners to gather information. Do you have any other suggestions or ideas for what I could be doing to learn more about the business world or how to start a business?

Drew

Depends on what kind of business. 

Actually, I can only give you a very vague, “common sense” answer here, as I have never started my own business and was drunk during many of my elective business classes. 

You seem to be on the right track – off to a solid start.

My best suggestion is to remember the two most important words to starting a business:  Supply & Demand.  

Say your business involves catering to the public.  Let’s keep it simple and say you want to open a coffee shop.  Why open a coffee shop across the street from three established coffee shops?  No, you’d want to open one someplace where coffee shops are few and far between.  Scout locations.  Find a spot where there is a wealth of potential customers yet there is no coffee shop in the vicinity to cater to their needs.  SUPPLY a coffee shop someplace where DEMAND for a coffee shop is high.  Remember:  LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION is the key. 

Think long and hard about the name of your coffee shop too.  Don’t make it too cute, or too serious.  Something eye-catching.  Same with the slogan.  Come up with a slogan that people will remember and enjoy.  You’ve got to get them in the place before you can serve them. 

Here’s an example.  I once had a squirrel in my walls.  So I looked in the phone book and saw several different pest control companies.  The one I picked is called Little Rhody Pest Control.  Why?  Because their slogan was “We Remove Alligators For Free”. 

You have a better chance of seeing a hairless Italian than you do an alligator in Rhode Island. 

However, the slogan caught my eye, made me smile, and made me give them my business.

So there you go.

Here’s a bonus pointer:  I don’t know where you live, but where I live, places like Krispy Kreme, and Starbucks only have a couple of franchises in the area.  Hook up with a successful franchise that hasn’t broken into your end of the country yet and open one up.  I only say this because it is a known fact that seven out of every ten new businesses close within the first two years.  Go with a winner and increase you chances. 

By the way, Little Rhody Pest Removal has since gone out of business.  The moral here is clear:  There is no such thing as a sure thing. 

Now this person asked seven different questions in a row, and all of them only need a quick answer.   

A year ago in your Midnight News Report, you said that if asked the question of "would you rather rule in hell or serve in heaven" you would chose "serve in heaven". What made you chose that?

Because, as I said just a couple of answers ago, Hell, no matter what it is, is no fun.  Idiots like you and I could not come anywhere close to the vicinity of imagining how wonderful Heaven is.  We couldn’t even begin to imagine the amount of love one would feel in Heaven.  They say God’s love is limitless.  I tend to believe that. 

What is your political preference? Republican? Conservative? Third Party? And do you consider yourself right-wing, left-wing, or moderate?

None of the above.  I support different agendas from different parties.  Mostly, I just go on whom I like better during any given election.  I liked Bush over Gore because Gore tried too hard to be all things to all people and came across as a total phony.  Our President appeared to be just himself.  Take that however you wish but understand that I always go with my gut feeling.  

Plus, I hated Clinton.  I wanted him, and every last bit of his administrative residue out of the White House.  Even though Gore worked real hard to distance himself from Clinton, it didn’t make a difference to me.  Gore was Clinton 2.0, only a little smarter.  Besides, I personally felt a whole lot better having GW in the Oval Office on 9-11 (not that he as actually IN the Oval Office, but you know what I mean) than Gore.  Again, it’s all gut instinct here. 

Incidentally, I have never voted.  Not once.  I have such inherent distrust for all “public servants” that I wouldn’t waste my time.  Does this come from the fact that I live in a part of the country where star-struck rubes and ridiculously simple-minded sheep keep a Kennedy in office based solely on the name?  Probably. 

Facial hair: requirement for all manly men or something insecure men grow in order to prop up their belief that they are real men?

It shouldn’t be - but more times than not, it’s usually the case on both counts. 

You are a man for what’s inside you, not because of a fucking goatee. 

Goatees are a cliché now anyway.  Everyone has one.  Nothing individual about it anymore. 

Grow it because you want to, not because all the cool kids have them. 

Have you ever forwarded a picture of yourself to Flea? And if not, does he often annoy you with requests for a picture of yourself?

Flea possesses a photograph of me, yes.  No, it’s not the dude in my previous column. 

As far as I know (and based on Flea’s word, which I trust 100%) the picture in question is not online.  I mailed it to him.  MAILED, not E-MAILED. 

Mostly girls ask me for pictures of myself.  I can’t help them.  Being the kind of Internet “Celebrity” that I am, I can’t afford to have my picture out there for people to mock. 

I promise you this.  I am much better looking than Scott Keith. 

Has Flea ever sent you a picture of himself and if so, do you ever threaten to show said picture to everyone on the net if he ever pisses you off or betrays you in any way?

No. 

What is your opinion of ex-porn star Traci Lords?

Would’ve liked to have seen her in action.  She’s cute enough.  She has great, full, sexy lips.  I love her voice.  It’s sulty, rich, and articulate.  I could listen to her speak on the radio and get turned on, even if she was reading her grocery list.

What kind of music do you like to listen to?

All kinds.  Really.  I’ve been known to settle back with a glass of Jack and chill out on some cool Jazz.  I also enjoy some classical music.  I tend to like individual songs rather than genres.

I’m liking this, and I guess you like this too. 

Just remember, no wrestling questions.  I MAY entertain the occasional IWC question, but not too many.  Try to figure out what questions goes best here and which one goes best in the MidNews.  Use your best judgment 

Bring on the questions.  I’ll answer them all. 

This is Hyatte

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