HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE

 - Chris Hyatte

In Rhode Island, everyone is a tough guy.  This is how we deal with being the littlest state (called the “Biggest Little”, don’tcha know) in the Union.  Everyone can beat the little shit out of everyone else, and their friends, without breaking a sweat.   

Girls get into the act too.  Their brothers/cousins/boyfriends can beat the living shit out of anyone and their family/friends.  Don’t mess with my family, they’ll say, you don’t want that.

When I was twenty, I was just like that.  Only I had a little game to me, so I could almost back it up, almost in a sort of - kind of way. 

When I was twenty-five, I was still like that but learned to respect others.  Not to say I was anyone’s bitch, but I wasn’t so quick to run off at the mouth when someone else ran off at the mouth. 

Now that I’m thirty… and a wee bit over, I no longer think I’m the toughest motherfucker there is.  Now I’m at the point where I know I can’t beat the shit out of everyone, but I also know that if I’m going to lose, the person who took me down will NOT walk away from the fight untouched.  He will earn every single ounce of toughness he has.  I’m going to hurt him.  I don’t brag about it anymore.  I just listen to the kids run their mouth and, should there be someone my age in the immediate area, just roll my eyes at him and have myself a private little moment with him.  The fun part of this move is when the young tough guy wannabe (and in Rhode Island, we are ALL wannabes… the local media tailors their news on that very premise) catches me in eye roll, he makes the inevitable threat.  How you react to it is a good way to rate just how much the Rhode Island culture makes up your being. 

Nothing more annoying than a Rhode Island Italian, but man are their buttons fun to push – easy too.  

Onto the questions.  Another fine selection.  Keep it up.  Anonymity is guaranteed and no question is too dumb.  Well, yes it is but you’ll never know unless you try.

I'm looking for advice, and you seem like an objective source.  A few years ago, I hooked up with a girl and we fell for each other over night.  As with all overnight romances, it was hot and passionate and filled with love.  Long story shot, she ended up pregnant.  We tried to stay together through it but the pressures of maintaining a relationship, a child, and any kind of sanity finally got to us.  We decided to split but still try to remain friends for our son's sake.

It's 3 years later and we have maintained that friendship, but we find ourselves at a crossroads.  Ever since our separation, my thoughts have been filled with images of her.  I've longed for her, and I get to the point that I miss her so much it hurts.  Every time I see her, I want to apologize for all the bad times and ask for a chance to make it work.  I recently told her how I felt and she told me that she has felt the same way the entire time.

We would like to try it again but we fear that all the old problems will resurface, force us to split again, and that it might hurt our son irreparably.

So my question is, should we try again and hope that through the maturity we've developed it can work, or do we accept that we're not meant to be and just be there for our son as two separated parents?  Thanks in advance for the advice.

Brett

You “fell in love overnight”, huh? 

Nonsense. 

Dude; come on - let’s be honest here.  Three years ago you got horny and she got horny and neither one of you made the other one want to puke so you hooked up and it was good so you did it a few more times and one night, you bobbed when you should have weaved and WHOOPSIE her oven is suddenly baking something. 

There was no love here… there was lust.  That damn penis’ll get you every time… and that vag… NOTHING but trouble.  Kind of what makes life fun, to be honest. 

So, for the sake of the kid, you two gave it a go.  Didn’t work because you weren’t in love.  Maybe you LOVED her, but you weren’t IN LOVE (and if anyone reading doesn’t know the difference, you REALLY need to leave your home every so often and… you know… socialize with those strange creatures known as the opposite sex.) and you both became annoyed with each other’s little quirks and imperfections that become as obvious as zits in a long term relationship. 

You stuck together as friends and you made it a point to become a Father.  Good going.  Seriously.  No better definition of the word “man” than the one who guts it out and raises the kid, no matter what the situation is. 

Now, three years later, you’ve maintained a relationship with her, got to KNOW the girl, got to LIKE the girl – imperfections, quirks, and all – and said, “Hell, this gal ain’t bad at all” and she said the same. 

Well gee whiz… looks like you fell in love with her after all! 

Go for it, bro’.  She’s into it and you’re into it.  You already have a family.  You’re doing exactly what God and Country intended.  And unless your letter is knee high in bullshit, you’ve behaved as a responsible man.  Totally stand-up.  You should make a damn fine Father. 

Now go live happily ever after. 

Greetings Hyatte, I have an 11-year-old stepdaughter, just starting Middle School next year who has just recently started to develop an interest in boys.  Any suggestions on how I as her only male adult influence (her father signed away his rights shortly after she was born) can provide her with the tools to make good decisions over the next several years without giving the same old lame parental speech that she is bound to ignore?  Her mother hasn't had "the talk" with her yet but is going to this weekend.

Thanks and keep up the great work

Steve

First of all, 11 is much too young for dating… WAAAAAY too young.  In my time (back in the Reagan administration), we didn’t start dating until we were 13.  Really, tell the kid that there’s no need to rush into things; she’ll have lots of time to date a thousand boys. 

Second, interest from boys helps build a girl’s self-esteem more than anything else in her life.  Self-esteem = confidence = a full, healthy, more or less happy life.  Just so you know. 

So, if and when you and the missus decide that the kid can start seeing boys, here’s what you can do to ease your mind, if not her own: 

1:  Watch Bad Boys II and take notes during the scene where Martin Lawrence and Will Smith scare the crap out of Lawrence’s daughter’s first date. 

2:  Sorry man, but she will ignore any advice that an old fart like you may give.  As an added bonus, she will lie to you two and sneak out of her window if you try to ground her or put up any obstacle.  She’s growing up.  Happens to everyone.  Can’t be stopped.  Plus, there’s only so much you can do when her friends, her PEERS, are about to be about 100 times more influential than you and the wife ever could be. 

On the plus side, girls are MUCH more mature than boys, she’ll learn very quickly that her sexuality can make boys do some amazing things.  If she’s developing into a hottie (and really, at 11, who can tell?), she’ll have those boys so wrapped around her finger she be able to make them jump through flaming hoops for nothing more than her tongue in their mouth for ten seconds.  That’s what you should try to encourage; try to teach her that she is the boss, she makes the rules, and she controls the relationship.  Make those horndogs SING for their goddam supper. 

And just for fun, either you or your wife tell her that boys get boners in the middle of class for no reason, and it’s totally embarrassing.  She and her friends can have lots of fun trying to figure out who’s popping wood during Mr. Finklestein’s Lecture on photosynthesis. 

Dispel the myths and be open about the facts of life.  Make it no big deal and it won’t be.  Give the girl knowledge and trust her.  Most girls wait until they hit college anyway. 

Let’s jump off sexual topics for a minute and tackle another aspect of relationships. 

Is the deliberate omission of potentially hurtful truth the equivalent of lying?  I believe it is - and would rather have the truth be told no matter what.  After all, maybe the truth is what I need to hear to be a better person.  The reason I ask is because the person I was involved with thought the opposite - that if the truth may hurt, to avoid it all costs to protect the other's feelings.  

I seek your wisdom, Master Hyatte. 

Nicola

Avoid it at all costs?  Are we being a little melodramatic? 

We are who we are.  Once you hit your mid-twenties, the temple that is you has been built.  The cement has hardened, the base has settled, and nothing in this reality can re-construct your foundation.  Not one essential brick can be moved… and moving non-essential bricks takes more energy than many people are capable of (try kicking that smoking habit if you don’t believe me) 

What I’m saying is that a leopard can’t change its spots, and neither can humans.  The only difference is that humans have the first 24 years of their lives to get those spots exactly where we want them to go (and sadly, no one gives us a blueprint to where they should go… and parents are usually never any help, so we have to take our best guess).  No matter what this person tells you, it won’t help.  You’ll listen, you’ll consider, and you’ll try to change but you will always fall back to your old habits… because they are firmly set in your genetic stone.  Only now there will be that “thing” between you and the person who pointed out your flaw.  You’re relationship with that person will be changed.   

So it’s not lying, it’s not necessary, it will change nothing about you, and it might potentially change your relationship with Mr. or Miss Honesty.  In short, it’ll probably do more harm than good. 

Ignorance is bliss, so keep your frigging mouth shut. 

Don't know if you're familiar with Seduction Cinema videos.  They put together these somewhat cheesy non-rated (i.e., softcore) lesbian-oriented B-Movies that you see at Suncoast, FYE, and Best Buy.  Most known probably for the Erotic Witch Project and their stars Misty Mundae and Darian Caine. 

(Side note, Misty definately in my top IWF... perfects schoolgirl look!) 

Anyway, I'm the moderator of a yahoo group for fans of their movies.  And I want a decent template for reviewing the films, for myself and the other members in the group. 

Any suggestions. What would you look for in softcore movies?  What would you wanna see in reviews of such movies. 

Rob 

Hmm… how to review soft-core porn films with actors who are only slightly better thespians than porn sluts and nowhere near as good as your standard soap opera ham. 

I say, keep it simple and to the point.  I doubt any “fan” of these flicks is there for the plot.  They are there because they want something to rub one off to (and that includes you too, girls… both of you) when they are bumming around watching Cinemax at 2 a.m.… usually dead drunk.  

Make the plot summary no more than three sentences long and go right to the bad hump scenes.  Rate the length; rate the ridiculous, slow-motion, over-the-top, how-come-no-girl-I’ve-ever-been-with-moves-like-that gyrating that the actress is wont to do; count and rate the position changes; rate the sweat factor; rate the tongue action; rate her hair; rate her facial expressions; and rate the odds of how much actual penetration going on.  Calculate everything into one nifty spank rating and post that mother.  

Then listen very carefully for the sound of Gene Siskel’s ghost… for he is weeping. 

Hey Chris, I need your help.  I have been trying to find your other site you mention from time to time that your alter ego- Chris Williams writes for.  Can you give me some help because I want to read some of your non-wrestling articles.  By the way, I enjoy your book selections each week/month.  Thanks, and continue to do it man!

Rusty

……. 

I put this in here and not in the Midnight News because… well… umm… 

There are so many thing wrong with this letter that I… I’m not sure where to begin. 

I am NOT Chris fucking Williams.  Chris Williams is NOT me… a couple of years ago, he tried his darndest to BE me, more than anyone else, but couldn’t do it for the simple reason that he hadn’t a spark of imagination in that silly little moronic brain of his.

Whoops, I stand corrected - he did start the story that my “real life” job is that of a hospital janitor.  It sort of took hold only because I never addressed it so everyone thought that either A: I was in fact a hospital janitor and/or B: The very fact that I might be one is so embarrassing to me that people who wish to “get to me” called me one.  There’s a moderator on the 411 forums who STILL calls me one… publicly AND to people in private.  Another loser… with the added bonus of being British too. 

I have never mopped a floor, other than my own, in my life.  Never cleaned bedpan, never wore scrubs and never polished a floor.  I have never been a custodian. 

Yet, I never addressed it because fuck you.  Janitors own homes, lease cars, start families, put their kids through college.  They bust their asses to do the best with what they have to work with.  It’s called an HONEST LIVING.  Who the FUCK is Chris Williams, a fucking cumstain who snuck into the chooch because his mother never bothers to hose down after some loser squirts on her, to announce that being a Janitor is something to be mocked.  What tree has that clown planted?  All I see is aborted column after aborted column until he just got tired of failing and went away.  I hear he joined the army… but since his entire existence at 411 consisted of making-up bullshit stories to Widro, who knows.   

Chris Williams once worshipped me and did Mop-Up-like recaps for 411 before I came aboard… he was bad at it.  Then he tried to inject some “And Another Thing”-like material into his columns, another joke.  Finally, he was the first… the VERY FIRST person to do news columns using the exact template that I built for the Midnight News – another clusterfuck.  Then he went away and the site is 100% better for it.  He did everything he could to knock me out but couldn’t.  The only reason why I didn’t dedicate my life to squishing him was because I had real life things going on that took up most of my attention.  I hope he comes back and tries again… oh please, let him try again. 

Get a clue, Rusty, you dumb ass.  

I had the address for that other site posted on my AIM profile for all to see for months.  You don’t have AIM or didn’t bother to check out the profile?  Not my problem, because it’s gone now.  Tough titty, said the kitty. 

Well now… that was fun.  Let’s jump back to troubled relationships with a nice, long backstory!

Last year, I met this girl.  We went out a couple of times, until she disappeared.  Then, about a month and a half later, she reappeared with an e-mail to me saying that she was falling in love with me.  Keep in mind that I'd only seen this girl twice, and that I was still trying to get over a really bad experience I had had prior to her. 

So, we got back into seeing each other periodically, I fell for her, she fell for me.  However, there was one problem, this girl just wouldn't make the effort to stay in contact with me, to be able to make the relationship work.  She stood me up repeatedly, and whenever I tried to get a hold of her to ask her what her reasoning was, she'd always use the excuse that she was ill.  She had always claimed to have an illness.  So, I got fed up, and broke up with her on New Year's Eve.  Then, we tried being friendly and civil to each other, because there were still feelings there, but we weren't sure how to handle them.  Then, at the end of January, we got back together and had sex again.  Then, no more than 2 weeks later, she and I were supposed to do something, and I didn't hear from her.

Assuming that she was going back into her lack of communication, and such, I chose to move on with my life.  Well, she called me the day after, to tell me that she'd been "raped" by one of her best friend's brothers.  Then, the following day, she called me to tell me she was pregnant.  I tried to be supportive of her, but the more I tried to work with her, the more she went out of her way to piss me off.  Case in point, she claimed to have been involved with a friend of mine, while he has been seeing the same girl for nearly a year now.  This incident ultimately cost me a job, interestingly enough. 

But, it didn't end, because as time went on, she further pushed that this child she was claiming to carry, was mine.  Also, during this time, I had started to date another girl, and was trying to be civil to the ex, while being courteous to the current.  Damn, that's a tough balance to maintain.  So, I got fed up, and stopped talking to ex, got broken up with, and spent the better part of the next couple months trying to understand the messes that I'd gotten myself into.  Well, finally, the ex, the one who claims to be pregnant, finally decided to stop talking to me.  To which my friends and I started a bet about how long it would last.  Also, I guess I should mention that my friends also had a bet as to when she would claim that she miscarried the child.  As you can tell, my friends don't like her at all. 

So, we stopped talking, I got a lot of my life back in order, and I was getting to be happy again.  Then, she struck again.  This time she started by telling me the sex of the child she's "carrying".  Then, from there, it turned into another fight between us.  Because I wanted to sit down and talk to her about everything, and see physical proof of her pregnancy.  But, yet again, as she had always been, she was avoiding me.  So, I got fed up and sent her a lengthy e-mail chewing her out.  In addition, from there, it was decided that I should keep a timeline of events.  Basically, to point out the inconsistencies in her story, shit like that.  Well, fast-forward to recently, and everything suddenly changing.  This girl has claimed that she's pursuing a rape charge on me, for the last time she and I had sex.  An event that took place more than six months ago, and she's pulling this card.

I hope that gives you enough background.  Now for the question, what should I do about her?  I've gotten a lot of suggestions, but I want to get the opinion of someone from outside the situation.  I'd really appreciate what you'd have to say.

Eric

This is one of these instances where I really need to hear her side of this story in order to give an opinion, because what you’ve just told me is so unbelievably one-sided that it reeks of utter bullshit. 

But, all things being equal and since I’m sure I have a better chance at playing Hi-Lo Jack with Allah than I have with hearing from her, I’ll just have to make do with the info I have. 

If your friends are friends and you didn’t pluralize a single friend into many just for the sake of making me think you have a lot of friends, and if they have been with you through this whole situation, than don’t sweat the charge of rape.  You have plenty of character witnesses… unless you DID rape her, then shame on you and off to jail with your worthless ass. 

That said, from this story, it sounds like she’s bullshitting… sounds like she does that a lot.  Blow it off.  Ignore it. 

The girl clearly craves attention, probably has major esteem issues.  How is her family life?  Did her Father leave her?  Did her Mom raise her to hate all men?  Is she a complete idiot?  (Put a big check in the YES box on that last one) 

This is partially your fault, you know.  You allowed this to continue as long as you did and kept her – for lack of a better word- obsession going for as long as it has.  Can’t kill a fire if you keep giving it air to breathe.   

Here’s what you do… run.  Run away as fast as your little feet can take you.  Change phone numbers, dye your hair, grow a beard, gain weight or lose weight.  Fuck it; move to a new place if you must.  Just get the silly girl out of your life… no, better yet, make it impossible to keep you in hers.   

Run, you bastard.  No matter what your penis (it all comes back to the pecker) tells you… get the holy hell out of there.  She already cost you one job and one other relationship.  That’s more than enough. 

And if you want to ease any possible guilt, give her a number for a good shrink before you vanish.   

Girl isn’t worth it, big dog.  Few girls are.  (And just to keep this balanced, very few guys are worth this sort of hassle either) 

I am 20 years old, currently enrolled in a double degree at "College" (University to Aussies) and am gliding idly through life without putting in a whole lot of effort into anything.  Well, kind of.

I am fairly bright, relatively good looking, 'confident' - some may so overly-so - and am inspired to put effort into absolutely nothing.  It'd be easy to say, "get over yourself, get on with it like everyone else!"

But I'm not in love with my degree nor any other.  I don't do any work, drink habitually (though I've cut back a lot in an attempt to lengthen my life and keep my body in shape) but still get distinctions and credits for the most part.  I'm not kidding myself, I am egotistical, but I do realize there are thousands of other people out there that don't attend lectures and learn the entire units a single day.  I don't think I'm god or anything.

I'm overly emotional, get extremely depressed (which comes as a surprise to all NEW people I meet, as ostensibly I'm such a normal, well-dressed and exude confidence - my friends just accept it and think I'm insane).  I meet the same challenge all males do with women; but my standards are just too damn high.  I usually find one girl or so a year that I'm serious about dating.  Suffice to say, everyone of them has a boyfriend.  I, being a complete tool, go on futile missions to try and break them up and have them fall in love with wonderful!

I entertain the ideas of a 'meaningful career', but ultimately realize I don't have the passion (by this I mean I don't have the passion as a creator; I certainly have the passion for the arts themselves), dedication or motivation to become a musician or writer (I write songs, though sparingly, and recently a began a well-researched researched screenplay on schizophrenia, these aren't just random, "Geez that'd be okay!").

Ultimately, I'm asking you for something which is probably impossible to give.  Right now I'm on track to get a wonderful job, screw a few skanks here and there, never engage in a meaningful relationship out of my penchant to only chase hot women with 'perfect personalities.’  What would you advice me to do?  I don't mean, "Become an engineer!”  I'm not that daft.  But some general thoughts on how I should approach life and look at the world to try and get the most out of life.

For the record: I'm agnostic at best, but for all intensive purposes an atheist.  Prone to nihilism also.

Anyway, this is an absurdly long letter and if you choose to replace it with "Some babbling twat crapped on about random junk," I'll understand.

James.

James, if it weren’t for the fact that you are from Australia, I’d wonder if I didn’t write this letter to myself while I was sleepwalking in a Tyler Durden sort of scenario… 

Here’s the deal: half the people in the world – we’ll call them Group A - know exactly what they want to be when they are twenty and go directly through all the steps needed to become that person without even a glance in some alternate direction.  Those are the people who sit in the same seat in the same bar in the same town today, tomorrow and fifty years from now – for the most part. 

The other half of the world – Group B - has no clue what they want to do at twenty, so they take their time, sniff around, and keep their options open.  Those people will be sitting in the same seat in the same bar in the same town today, tomorrow, and fifty years from now – for the most part.  The difference is, they will be more depressed than the other half.  Not by much, tho’.  95% of the world hates what they do for a living and is completely miserable over the hand that fate dealt them.   

Yet… for some of those in Group B, because they kept their eyes open and their ears to the ground, they are doing something that they didn’t expect, they love doing it, do it well, and has given them a life that is too good to be true.  It happens in America all the time, just ask the guy who owns this very site.  You should move over here… to the winning team.  We’ll take you. 

Figured it out yet?  Nothing excites you yet, then just wait and explore every opportunity that comes your way… which is what college is for, anyway.  You’re only twenty, don’t sweat the future yet.  Keep those eyes open.   

If you get lucky, then be sure to buy a round for the lifers sitting in your friendly, neighborhood pub day after day.

If you don’t get lucky… well, there’s a stool with your name on it waiting for you. 

Oh, and bang the skanks… ‘cause one of them might be a princess with too much eyeshadow and a bad dye job.   

Let’s wrap things up with a question from the children.  Because when it comes to children, Hyatte is for the children, I teach the children.

Just to warn you...this isn't a question that has any bearing on adults once they hit the real world...it's a teenage thing, but I'm bored...and reading your column made me felt like you might have an interesting opinion on this.

I don't know how it is across the rest of the country...but in the little city I live in for teenagers, and young adults[12 to early 20's] there seems to be this invisible barrier between people who listen to different kinds of music.  The rap-listening thugs, and the whatever's on the radio is cool preps, always make fun of the Limp Bizkit kids, the death metal kids make fun of everyone including their own, the punks make fun of all the thugs, and there is very little if any intermingling.  I mean I've had 3 hour conversations with a girl that I had just met only to have her recoil, and never talk to me again once she realized that it was Slayer, and not Linkin Park that was in my portable CD player.  Why do you think music matters so much to these people?  I mean, music is an important part of my life...in fact it practically is my life...but I don't write anyone off just because they listen to stuff that I don't particularly care for.  Is it just 'cuz we're kids and kids are dumb?  Or do you think it has something to do with the media, or the general environment?

Thanks,

Later

No name… just another snot nose PUNK 

Easy…  EASY answer. 

Music is just an excuse.  High school needs to have a hierarchy… a chaste system in place so kids can feel superior to other kids and feel individual even among peers.  I’d tell you not to take it personally but, being a teenager, you can’t help but take it personally. 

Basically, High School groups are based on class.  Upper, Lower, Middle and the small sub-groups in between.  Really, it’s all about the neighborhood you live in and the car you drive and the clothes you wear.  People, and especially teenagers who have enough anxiety as it is just figuring out who they are, naturally gravitate to those who they can relate to, whom they feel most comfortable with.  That’s it.  Show me the fully integrated, “we are all equal” High School and I’ll show you a fucking Leprechaun sitting on top of a Unicorn with a pot of gold on his lap at the end of a rainbow.  It’s a piece of bullshit.  Pure fiction. 

For some reason, maybe because your small town essentially is one giant community - perhaps one of those “one factory where everyone works” towns so everyone is in the same financial area – a student’s musical preference decides where he or she stands in the High School infra-structure.  On the other hand, maybe the taste in music is just a unique branch of a larger class measurement.  Who knows?  Well, you do, but whatever.  The fact is, who cares.  High School hierarchy is as old as education itself.  It’ll never go away.  Hell, I say it’s just as important to character development as parental influence. 

Here’s the good news.  It lasts roughly one second after you graduate.  I mean, the very instant you toss your cap in the air, it ends.  By the end of that summer before you go to college or work, you realize just how silly and stupid High School Politics is.  Those High School friends who you can’t imagine you’ll ever be without.  They mean nothing.  They are history.  You move on.  The best years of your life begin at 18 and end at around 26.  Everything before 18 was just a primer and everything after 26 more or less blows.  Welcome to a sneak preview of the future, kid. 

So don’t worry about it.  It’ll means diddly shit four years from now.  

That’s enough from me. 

Now, I almost had a minor scare last week and didn’t get too many questions until a decent weekend rush, so please, if you like this column, don’t just tell me you like it, contribute.  As you can see, I won’t necessarily bash you. 

Ask me anything, I’ll answer them all. 

***

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