HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE

 - Chris Hyatte

Driving home one night, (morning actually as three a.m. could not possibly be considered nighttime by any stretch of anyone’s imagination) taking long, gradual, curves through a winding and wooded road, I ran over an opossum.  It was running halfway between straight and across a particularly sharp curve and essentially ran right into me going full speed.  I ran over it and actually felt it bang the underside of my car, my left foot picked up the sharp vibrations with such acuteness that I could almost feel it’s fur on my sole. 

I cursed loudly.  I don’t like dead animals and hate possums with a phobic passion.  Cleaning one out from my car would be a nightmare of epic proportions, even in the middle of the day. 

Swearing loudly, I looked in my rear view.  The possum rolled across the road, in the manner of someone rolling down a hill with no semblance of control, then rolled to his feet and without disrupting his momentum one but, continued his sprint across, as if my car never happened.  

And I mean it - I smashed this bitch.  It hardly fazed him. 

Although he was running in the opposite direction from me, I still floored it. 

All this proves is something I’ve suspected for quite a while now: Opossums are spawned from Satan himself.  No just, loving God could have created such a vile beast. 

All this column is proving is that women CONTINUE to be the most fascinating frustrating species on the planet.  Men do not know women and probably never will. 

Many relationship questions came my way this week.  Enough to fill two columns.  I don’t mind them.  It’s my pleasure to lay down the honest truth for you all.   

We open with an interesting philosophy towards handling rejection.  

Dear Hyatte,

I have an issue with break-ups. Whenever a girl rejects or dumps me, I completely cut them out of my life, stop talking to them, stop seeing them, no contact at all.  A lot of my friends have told me that this is a bullshit policy.  I'm a sucker for a pretty face, and I think that if I keep contact with them, I'm only setting myself up for another fall.  What do you think?

Andrew 

Okay, you stay friends and become an active part of her life.  You get to hear her talk about her other boyfriends; how Samuel Hung is so large she felt it poke into her intestinal tract; how she was treated to candlelight dinners, moonlit walks, heavy make-out sessions on the beach; how Mr. Hung makes her jaw ache.  You get to hear about every guy she goes with until she finally meets the “one”… and BOY she will be head over heels for this guy, you’ll hear all about it. 

All the while, you’ll still have the hots for her.  You see or talk to her all the time - that feeling won’t go away.  In fact, it’ll get worse and worse until you realize you fell in love with her.  (We want that which we can’t have the most).  You get angrier and angrier and more jealous until one day, you can’t take it anymore and confront her with your feelings and beg… that’s right, beg her to give you a shot.  She’ll say no and you’ll fall into a depression that some people never come out of.  Your outlook on life will be changed forever. 

That sound like fun, sporto? 

Your friends have their heads up their asses.  The girl says “no”, move on.  Get out of there and find a new one.  Your no contact policy is not bullshit is SMART.  Keep it up, you are saving yourself a shitload of grief even if the scenario I pictured was “worst case”. 

I guess we can call this next letter, “Young Love”. 

During my sophomore year of high school (I'm entering my junior year at the University of Michigan now, so that makes it, uhhh...4 and a half-ish years ago), I met a rather attractive redheaded girl through various social gatherings. Being that I was a horny 16 year old, and she was a cute 16 year old girl, I wanted to put my penis in her.  We started hanging out and talking on the phone and whathaveyou, but nothing sexual ever came of it, not even a friendly kiss. This didn't bother me though, as I really started to like her. 

I loved her (still do) and she was the best friend I've ever had.  She started to date someone else, so my sexual feelings for her diminished, but they never went away completely. 

Fast forward to after graduation.  I was leaving to go to school in Ann Arbor, and leaving her was pretty tough.  Tears were shed, blah blah blah, but I knew we'd keep in touch. Turns out she came to visit me just about every weekend and we became closer than ever before.  One fateful night, drunk and dancing at a random frat party, we started making out.  Initially I was shocked, then curious, then I was fucking loving it.  Even though she initiated it, I guess she changed her mind about the whole deal pretty quick, as she started crying and ran off (still had the boyfriend).  Eventually she broke up with her boyfriend and we started a sort of friends-with-benefits type of relationship. 

Since we were not exclusive, there was a lot of jealousy on both parts when either of us would do something with another person.  It got to be too much, so after about a year, we decided to stop any and all sexual contact with each other.

That was about a year ago, and although I still consider her a great friend, if not my best, we talk to each other maybe once a month. I love her; she's the only girl I've ever loved.  I just want our friendship back, but all that having sex kinda fucked things up.  We used to joke with each other about her boobs, my penis, etc. but now, it's kinda awkward, as I've seen her boobs and she's seen my penis.  I know that she's still there for me if I need her and she knows the same about me, but I really want to know if there is anything that I can do to help bring our friendship back to where it was before.

Boozehound

I hope you’ve never looked her in the face and said, “I want to put my penis in you”.

Why did you stop “putting your penis into” her?  If you two couldn’t handle the jealousy, then eliminate seeing other people, not each other. 

Doesn’t matter anymore, anyway.  It’s too late now.  You ruined it by introducing sex into the equation.  It sounds to me like the relationship – in all forms- was starting to dry up anyway.  I think you’ll find that you’ll start seeing less and less of her until you and her have both gone your separate ways.  It’s a natural part of life, bro’.  It’s rare for friends to stay friends forever – same sex or otherwise 

Let it dry up and start walking down that path… or have a big face to face and say, “Look, I love you.  Let’s try the mutual exclusive thing and see where it takes us.”  It’s a risk, but if you really think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with her, it’s a necessary one.  A guy and a girl can’t be friends… because eventually his future girlfriend and/or her future boyfriend will object. 

Now here’s a sweet, nice little e-mail that’s bound to tickle the romantic heart in all of us!

Hyatte-

What's the best way to ask a girl's dad for permission to marry her?  I'm not too old fashioned but this is one tradition I want to follow through on.  I have a good relationship with her parents, but still, this isn't exactly your every-day question.  Any advice?

Thanks,

Nathan

Yup.  You go up to him and say, “Ya know, sir… I always said that once a girl starts swallowing, I’m gonna have to marry her.  Well guess what your daughter did last night!” 

Or,  “Let me congratulate you sir, it’s not every girl who is so willing to stick her ass in my face and say, ‘Do me in the butt’ halfway through the first date.  You’ve raised a fine daughter!” 

OR,  “Last night I asked her who her daddy was, and she didn’t say YOU.  Guess I’d better rope this mare in now, eh hoss?” 

Or you can go up to him and say, “Mr. So and So, I have decided that to spend the rest of my life making your daughter as happy as I can is what I was put on this earth for.  It would be my privilege to become a part of your family by taking your daughter’s hand in marriage.  Do I have your permission, sir?” 

Either or… just do it word for word. 

Best of luck… and be sure you’re doing the right thing here. 

Hyatte: 

I have enjoyed your new column on Flea's website a great deal and I was looking for some advice on a couple of problems I have been having recently. 

I met this girl when I was in college (she had the same major as me) and got to be pretty close friends with her.  One night, I was over at her house studying and we hooked up.  Ever since then (i.e. the last three years), we have kept in touch and once every month or so, I go by her house and we head straight to the bedroom.  The problem is, I feel guilty every time I do this, for several reasons.  One, she wants a relationship and I want no part of it.  I am still young (23) and just recently finished college, got my first full time job and ready to play the field a little.  Plus, she and I have nothing in common outside of the bedroom.  Two, she has a kid. Now the kid is great, but every time I drop by, he gives me this big hug and asks me why I haven't come by in so long. It just makes me feel like shit.  Three, at the risk of sounding totally superficial, she could stand to lose about 20 pounds.  I know that shouldn't matter, but let's face it, it does.  What I want to know is should I: 

a)      Try to start up a relationship with this girl even though I know it will almost definitely not work out.

b)      Quit being a pussy and just enjoy the fact that I can get laid whenever I want and not feel guilty or 

c) End the whole thing.  

K.C.

You gave me two big questions here.  Sorry, but only one at a time. 

I will allow for the fact that you are still a kid and having a handy dandy, ready whenever booty call on call is an awesome, AWESOME situation for you to be in. 

And yeah… weight does matter.  No sense bullshitting you there.  But weight and looks matter with girls too, do not doubt that.  

Now it’s time to grow up.  The girl has a child.  The girl is thinking long term.  The girl obviously enjoys what you do to her in the sack and appears to be falling in love with you.  Real feelings are suddenly getting in the way of your good time.  Aww, too bad. 

You’ve had your fun.  Now break it off and give her a chance to find someone who wants her and the kid.  You owe her that much.  End it.  Today. 

And if you ignore me and continue using this girl like a fucking wad of toilet paper, you deserve to get Cock Cancer and die in agony.  

I get the sense you know all this and just wanted to see it in print.  So there you go.

Hey Hyatte,

My girlfriend is interested in getting a dildo or vibrator for the occasions when I'm not around.  Do you have any suggestions for her?  She's too shy to ask.

Paul

Hmmph, I just use cucumbers. 

Both of you just go into a porn store and have fun picking one out.  Don’t be shy or uncomfortable or embarrassed.  Make it a goof-fest.  Trust me, every other customer there is A: Just looking to get in or out without being recognized by anyone either, B: Drunk and/or high or, C: A complete freak.  They are usually alone too.  Go in there together and you'll look like the two most normal people in the place. 

 And the cashier doesn’t give a fuck either.

Let’s now dramatically change gears and veer off into a totally different topic: 

How the hell is ticketmaster not considered a monopoly?  In the past 10-15 years, I don't know that I've ever gotten tickets to any major show that wasn't through ticketmaster.  Concerts, sports, plays, the opera, anything you can think of goes through ticketmaster.  Didn't Pearl Jam try to boycott them and fail miserably?  They're tacking on all kinds of fees and there's nothing you can do about it.  What gives here Hyatte? 

Ray  

Because I’m a man of uncommon honesty (when you look like Brad Pitt’s younger, more handsome brother, you can get away with that), I will freely admit that I asked Flea to assist me on this. 

For starters, there is no monopoly here.  Any idiot with a printing press can start a ticket producing company.  It is quite illegal for any business to actively block other businesses from competing with them.   

A business, on the other hand, has every right to corner the market and snap up as many exclusive deals as they can.  That’s right, Ticketmaster was smart enough to skip dealing with individual venue promoters, and instead hooked up with the music industry itself – in this sense, it’s really a case of the middle man eliminating one of it’s ends. 

Someone at Ticketmaster was smart enough to say, “Hey, how about we go to the record labels and offer to front up some of the expense of so and so’s major tour in exchange for a small percentage of every ticket sold as well as exclusive rights to print up the tickets for said tour?”  The record labels jumped all over this idea because A: They save a lot of money (in music, ideally, labels get most of the record sale profits while bands get most of the tour profit) and B: They don’t have to sweat dealing with a million small ticket sellers in every town.  It saves them money and headaches.  Really, for the labels, it’s a no-brainer. 

It was really just a case of vision: Someone woke up one morning, and figured out that printing concert tickets was really a license to print money - a bottomless well of hundred dollar bills.  Ticketmaster should be commended for it. 

And fuck Pearl Jam.  They were just looking for a cause to rebel against, and picked one of the lamest ones imaginable.  Eddie Vedder can blow me. 

So yeah, it looks like a monopoly, it smells like a monopoly, but there is nothing stopping another ticket company from trying to establish a foothold in North America.  After all, that exclusive deal Ticketmaster has with the record companies has to end SOME time. 

Coke or pepsi?

Marlboro or Winston ?

Mancow or Stern?

Smackdown or Raw?

Trish or Stacy? think I already know

Mikes hard lemonade or Doc Otis?

Jack or Jim Bean?

Mary ann or Ginger?

Tastes great or Less filling?

WANTTOBEJUSTLIKEU  

Coke, Copenhagen, Stern, Stratus, Mike’s, Jack, Ginger, and Tastes Great. 

Next. 

I'm a 27 year old actor and on three weeks notice, I'm packing up my life for year to go on a national tour. We're going to be bussing around the country, generally mid-size towns with a schedule of four show days, one travel day, two days off, rinse, repeat.  From what I understand the basic mindset of people on tour is: learn the show, lock it in, get to a new city, go to the mall, get drunk and/or stoned, piss your time away.  I've gotten phone calls from friends on the road complaining about how hard and boring their life is (usually while stuffing room service in their mouth).  What can I do with my time that will be valuable?  I'll get to experience the culture of the country, but I don't want to hunt down the biggest ball of belly button lint in Little Rock, you know?  I wish I could get a lot of reading done, but I have to travel pretty light, and packing up my apartment is reinforcing how heavy and bulky books are.  In a perfect world the rest of the tour will be cast with sex starved Swedish ballerinas, but they could end up being children of Thalidomide, so I need a backup plan.  I know that in the grand scheme of things I'm crazy lucky to have this opportunity, so I'm not complaining and I know I'm going to have fun, but I want to use this time both wisely and well.  I'm going to be financially stable.  I'm going to be travelling a lot.  I'm going to have tons of time.  What should I do?

Brian  

Paperbacks were created just for this.  Every single book I’ve recommended in my two-week book club thing is available in paperback.  Most of them fit in your back pocket.  

Other than that, movies, porn, and groupies.   

Go to a club, tell babes you are an actor, tell them your story: Do this ritual with ten girls and I promise, at least four of them will practically rape you. 

Beyond that, get a Gameboy. 

Uh oh, it’s been a while since we’ve had a good ol’ question about relationships, let’s fix that!

I'm 20 years old and live in Middlesbrough in the UK.  I've just quit University, because it wasn't for me and I'm currently looking for a job.  Anyway, this is about a girl.

We met a long time ago at college and I won't say it was love at first sight, because I don't really believe in it.  But I did think she looked nice, and I liked her, so we'll leave it at that.

She had a boyfriend at the time, so nothing happened.  But then I was stupid and told her that I really liked her.  She said she really liked me too, and we were kind of seeing each other, but with nothing happening, because I wasn't that desperate, and I honestly thought it would work out fine.

At Christmas 2001 we had a huge argument about whether or not anything would ever happen in which nasty things were said on both sides.  The upshot was we didn't speak at all for a few weeks, and then on Dec 27th she emailed me saying that this was stupid and could we still be friends.  So we kind of got back to normal.

Shortly after this she ended up liking someone else and broke up with her boyfriend because he was sleeping with someone else.  They ended up going out for a while, and she followed him to the other side of the country to go to the same University he went to.  That didn't last very long afterwards, because the guy is on the very side of retarded and never spoke to her, despite them living in the same house.

Anyway, fast forward to last summer.  I don't quite know how it happened, but we ended up getting together and doing stuff, but it didn't last because she was going back to university in a few weeks, and I didn't want to be left crying my heart out over someone who was living on the other side of the country.

In January she quit university and moved back here. Now, we're kind of in the position of seeing each other again, but without really seeing each other, because she has a boyfriend, who I think she'd be much better off without, but then I would think that.  She also says that, but then she would.  She also hasn't left him.

Then at a gig we played, I took our drummer home, and came back to see her getting off/making out/whatever you call it wherever you're from with our singer.  Now, do I have grounds to be pissed off with her, since she's cheating on me, or am I a hypocrite (sp?) for being hurt when I'm guilty of doing pretty much the same thing. I'm not pissed off at him, because he didn't know (and still doesn't, because I don't know how to tell him, or even if I should tell him).

Anyway, she apologised and stuff, and bought me cards saying how sorry she
was... and more stuff ended up happening, I don't know why, I guess emotion's were high or something... though I do find it ironic that someone told me about a year ago to start arguing with her and get angry and get her angry and then I'd get some, and then it'd end up happening.

Since then, nothing's happening. We still kiss goodnight when I see her, but I don't see her as much for various reasons (mostly that she's got a new job). I'm not sure if this means that she still wants to be with me, but not in that way while she's got a boyfriend, or if she thinks it was a mistake but still wants to be with me, or if she doesn't want to be with me, or anything.

I know the best advice will be to move on and forget her, but I just can't. Everyone I know, I know through meeting her at College. If I stop talking to her, I talk to no one.  I don't have a job at the moment, so there's no one to talk to there.  I'd just sit in my room all day doing nothing.

But anyway.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, because I need as much of it as I
can get.  Even if it does involve therapy.

No name given
 

“But she’s got a boyfriend”, “But she’s got a boyfriend”, “But she’s got a boyfriend.” 

That’s your answer for everything concerning her.  Shut the fuck up.  She obviously doesn’t give a shit about you (unless she is a total twit, or you are horrible at communicating your feelings).  

You’re not even tapping that ass?  Just a goodnight kiss?   

All your friends are her friends?  So?  If you stop talking to her, do you lose all your friends?  Then get new friends.  There are millions of people in the UK who will make dandy new mates.  Seek them out. 

You’ll never be inside her.  She’ll never choose you.  If she does, she’ll cheat on you.  She’s got you wrapped around her finger and she knows it and your friends know it and even I know it.  You’re someone to hang with when the boyfriend isn’t around.  You are her ego-stroker.  You are her bitch.  Bark for her, doggy.  “Woof, woof.” 

Congratulations. 

I think you know what you have to do here.   

I'm at a bit of a crossroads right now.  For the last four years, I've gone away and dormed at a small college.  It was definitely the best experience of my life.  I know a lot people who prefer commuting locally - but personally, I just needed to live away from my family for a while.  It's not that there are any family "problems;" not in the slightest.  I probably have one of the most stable, blissful family environments any could ask for, and I thank God for it.  It's just that I needed to get away from everything that influenced me and become my own person.

That all ended this May, when I graduated.  It was a great experience, but I now realize the one key drawback.  Living in college, I developed lots of ties, while most of my ties at home gradually eroded.  So I stay in college and have a blast, and everything seems great.  Then I come home - this time, for good - to a big, bleak nothing.  My current social landscape consists of myself, my immediate family, and a couple of choice old friends who haven't moved out of the area.  Working 9 to 5 for the first time helps to distract me from this, but there's a definite emptiness that I'm faced with for the long term future. 

Sure, I still maintain friendships with colledge friends, but that can only go so far.  When your best friends are spread across the U.S., the most you can get are sporadic, one-on-one visits.  The days of the casual group get-togethers are done, pretty much. 

So anyway, you've lived a bit more than I have. How does one go about starting over? 

Thanks for your time and keep up the good work!  

Gabe  

Make friends at work.   

Join a gym. 

Put an add in the singles. 

Get out there, Mr. Lonely. 

Making friends is easy unless you are an asshole. 

On the other hand, emptiness is good too.  Good for the soul.  Keep that in mind. 

Here, this next letter lets me expound on this theory just a tad: 

Hey Hyatte,  

I remember when you wrote you wished to be alone because there was too much pain involved.  Is it pain for yourself or pain for the ex?  Just curious because I just finished a hellish conversation with my ex of 1 and 1/2 months.  

In short she originally planned on a hiatus but then saw we were going separate ways (she wanted a long Broadway career and I hate cities like NYC, Boston, and Chicago with a passion; I swear those environments are incredibly stressful although San Antonio, San Francisco, and Seattle are actually quite nice from what I've experienced. must just be North East Coast cities and Chicago then.  Sorry for this insanely long parenthetical statement).  So I started thinking of myself as single and non-attached.  The relationship was over, don, fin.  I had no use for a ghost of the past to continually haunt me.  When I get single I become rational and therefore cold.  She somehow still hoped we could get together at some point.  I didn't see the point in waiting for something that might not come.  Think of all the things I would miss while holding vigil.  I suppose it means I didn't really love her.  I guess so anyway, but goddamn I do not want her to be crying now.  But she ended the relationship, not me!  She's the one that said we needed to break up.  Fine!  Just don't expect me to be the same guy you were in love with.  

And now I'm sure I have hurt her.  Which reminds of the paragraph I wrote at the top.  Do you choose to remain alone because you will hurt yourself or because you will hurt another?  

Most relationships end, if one is lucky one won't.  This one ended, it wasn't meant to be.  I suppose coming to terms with this knowledge is painful.  Indeed I shed a few tears at the ending of our relationship.  But life goes on, rain comes and goes but the sun is always there, always shining, always.  Hopefully there'll be another buxom, wide-hipped woman to come along, someday.  

Do you have this advice column because you feel your advice will be heeded or because most of the time people just need an ear to bend?  Just curious.  

Thank you for allowing me to whine, talk, express my worries, whatever you wish to call it,  

George

P.S. Am I wrong or is it that change is never an easy thing to happen?  Damn love of philosophy, always makes me think.  Oh well I guess it's good I enjoy thought.  

Man, you love to ramble. 

Basically, you spilled your guts to me for no reason.  You didn’t ask me a question about your relationship with your ex (she got scared and reached out for you for comfort and security.  You turned her down.  You feel guilty about it now but trust me, you did her a favor by taking away her safety net) so I won’t comment… uh, much. 

Your question is about my personal philosophy, which I shall discuss.  I choose to be alone because I like it.  I don’t like getting hurt- so I make it very tough for that to happen.  Once was enough.  That “once” happened many, many years ago back in the soft end of my twenties.  Recently, once almost became “twice”, but I was able to catch myself before I fell too hard for her.  I’m calling it “Once and a half” now. 

I’ll never marry and really, could not care any less about having children.  Both options are always subject to change, but first Trish Stratus has to take me off her block list (hey baby!) 

But my philosophy isn’t for everyone.  It takes a lot of will to enjoy being alone.  Most of you people need heavy social interaction.  That’s because most of you depend on what other people think of you.  You think the number of friends/lovers you have defines who you are.  Not only is that stupid, it’s pathetic. 

Of course, some of you also have a lot of friends/lovers just because you like to party.  That’s cool.  Believe it or not I’m, by nature, an introvert.  I prefer small gatherings in order to fully relax.  If you only come alive in a room stuffed with people, that’s your deal. 

So, I’m alone because it fits who I am.  That’s basically it.   

To answer your second question: I give advice because I know who I am and I know who I am not; therefore, I can give objective opinions.  I don’t need to bend anyone’s ear - judging from your e-mail, that’s your deal. 

To answer your third question: Change is never, ever easy.  If it were just a HAIR tougher, it would officially become impossible. 

I think now would be a good time to wrap things up with two pairs of same-theme questions.  The first pair deals with a profession and the second deals with wives and fiancées and ADULTERY (kind of). 

I'm 22, just graduated college, and will be teaching English in a Jr. High School somewhere in NYC.  Any advice on how to go about teaching and getting the kids to listen?

Aaron

The kids won’t listen to you, no matter what you do.  You’ll always be the enemy.  Try to be down wit’ them and they’ll laugh.  Try to be Mr. Serious Teacher and you’ll lecture a roomful of daydreamers.

Best advice I could possibly give is to be yourself.  Don’t front.  Be yourself. 

Oh, and care.  Give a shit about them.  Be there for them after school.  Help them.  It’s what you’re supposed to do.

Want a glimpse into your future?  Check this letter out:

I have been teaching English at one of the worst high schools in South Carolina for five years now.  The problem is, I absolutely hate it.  I'm tired of being underpaid and overworked.  I'm tired of parents yelling and screaming at me because little Tyrone failed English (although he did not turn in one assignment all year).  I am desperate to find a job that I don't despise, but my wife and I are expecting our first child in March.  If you were in my situation, would you keep the job you hate, or would you take your chances in the job market.  I will probably have to tough it out for at least another year until our child is born, but after that I am looking for a new profession.  Any ideas?

Steve Fallen

My bones are screaming, “SHUT UP AND DO IT!!” just like with that other guy above.

And yet, that guy is making tons of money and if he plays it smart, he’ll be free to do whatever he fucking wants before 40.

You’re a teacher: a miserable, under-appreciated, frustrating career that just barely earns you enough money for a new pair of shoes every six months.  Plus you have a kid on the way.  He’ll eat up whatever shekels you managed to save up in no time.

How’s this, go back to college, improve on whatever degree you have, and submit your resumes to private academies and prep schools.  Hell, even colleges will give you students more willing and eager to learn.  (Plus, the babes are fun to look at, on the D-L, of course).

I hope you didn’t get into teaching only because you thought you would have summers off.  I hope you got into it for the opportunity to shape minds.  If you’re sick of staring at idiot kids who are just whiling away their time before they get to spend their life punching a timeclock at “Harry’s Auto Shop”, then go to where the kids actually want to absorb what you have to offer. 

Plus, I believe the money is better in private academia too.

Hyatte,

I am engaged to be married to an attractive, loving woman whom I am madly in love with and from what I gather she feels the same way about me.  Love is good.  Sex is outstanding.  We communicate well.  Although I have so far painted a perfect picture of our relationship, like ALL relationships it does have it's ups and downs.  We fight, we stress, we get on each others nerves but we always bounce back and we know each other well enough that even though hurtful things sometimes are said that the "heat of the moment" bullshit is in fact just that.

On to the question-  Even though I have a good relationship and have a future with someone I would never jeopardize, I like most males love my "alone" time.  With knowing and having all of this...why on earth do I still punch the clown to ex-girlfriends?  That is the only thing I think about when slamming the salami - the ex's.  I don't know if it's because of the memories or what.  You know, past experiences, hot and heavy real life moments, crazy things that you said or did to one another.  I honestly can not serve up the frank and beans to random pictures of naked girls anymore...or strippers (and I love the strippers).  Porn is okay but I don't even beat off to my fiancée and she's hot!

In fact, my favorite "memory" is a time years ago when I used to live with two girls.  One I dated, the other one great friends with.  At the time I never made any inkling of a move toward the friend - I was just never that attracted.  This "live in" lasted exactly one year.  I broke up with the girl and the friend stayed with her, I never spoke to either again.  Now when I think back on that time, I have the best fantasies about the "friend" seducing me!

What?!

Hyatte, what's the deal?  Will I never play pocket pool with a total strangers picture?  Or will I forever be a slave to the memories of the girls that got away?

Spanky

Ironic name.  Named after your father?

Sinatra summed it up nicely (by way of Barry Manilow):  Regrets… I’ve had a few…

While you are admiring the one gorgeous fish that you were able to pull into your boat, you are wondering about the ones that got away.  What if... what if...

Perfectly normal… and it will pass in time.  Relax.  Plus, if it makes you hold out longer with her, then even better, stud.

Besides, just thinking about doing them while your humping your poor wife is a HELL of a lot better than thinking about your poor wife while humping one of them. 

Just, for Christ sakes, don’t tell your wife about this.  I know and you know that there is no wrong doing here but… how would you feel if she admitted to thinking about the big wangs that she didn’t get to try while you are grinding away on top of her?

Exactly.

Hyatte,

First, let me say that you will probably read this and scream bullshit, but I want to assure you that everything is true.

I have one of those rare, once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that few men actually get.  A shot at "the dream".  That's right, a threesome.  The two women are my wife and one of her co-workers.

Here's the dilemma: I know that I'm up for it, I'm 99% sure that the co-worker is up for it, but my wife… not a snowball's chance in Hell.  She has in the past, in a moment of drunken weakness, confessed to me that a threesome with another girl is a secret fantasy of hers, but when sober, no way.  She's afraid that it would irreparably harm our relationship.  And she gets really, REALLY mad when I bring it up.

As to the co-worker; she's young (right out of college), hot, and more than a little bit of a "freak".  Other times when we've hung out, she's openly talked about her sexuality, and even suggested watching a porno together.  A few weeks back, I made a joke to my wife about us doing the "ménage" thing (you know that guy thing, where you say something jokingly, but you're really hoping that its not taken as a joke), and she got really pissed. 

Then she goes in to work and TELLS the co-worker what I said.  Since then, the co-worker has been trying to set up a "night out" when the three of us can get together and hang out.  It seems obvious to me where this is headed, but I don't want to misinterpret anything, because a misstep could easily land me in serious trouble.  Also, if it's obvious to me, it HAS to be obvious to my wife, which means A) this could be payback for my "joke" or B) she's into it, but won't admit it.

What should I do, oh great one?

Jim

You should grow up.

Hey moron, you’re wife IS NOT INTO IT.  End of fucking story.  She does NOT WANT TO DO IT.  End of fucking story.  Stop being so goddam selfish.  You are married.  This means that, theoretically, you no longer think for just yourself.  For the rest of your life- again, theoretically- every choice you make has to take her feelings into account.  From shopping to sex to video rentals to gardening to what car to buy to sex to which toilet paper you should use: everything you do, you do for two people, not one.

You married her; you knew exactly what you were getting into.  Keep trying to force her into something she doesn’t want to do. 

You are presented with an amazing opportunity that includes both of you.  The wife isn’t into it.  Show’s over.  That’s it.  Shouldn’t even be a question.  You shouldn’t have written to me.  What did you think would happen?  You could talk her into it?  One time she got plastered and said that it was a fantasy.  Well, I have a fantasy of getting a penile implant and tacking on an extra 4 inches.  It can be done too, at a high risk and cost – but I’ll never do it because IT’S JUST A FANTASY!!

Tell you what, ask your wife about her other fantasies.  What if one of them involves a four way with Allen Iverson, Mike Tyson, Jay Z, and Old Dirty Bastard?  Would you set that one up too?

Respect your wife and tell her co-worker thanks but no thanks.  Jesus.

Well, I’ve had enough.  I’m sure you have too.

Do you like what I have to say?  Then ask me what you need to ask, I’ll tell you what to do! 

This is Hyatte

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