HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE
- Chris Hyatte
Driving home one night, (morning actually as three a.m. could not
possibly be considered nighttime by any stretch of anyone’s
imagination) taking long, gradual, curves through a winding and wooded
road, I ran over an opossum. It
was running halfway between straight and across a particularly sharp
curve and essentially ran right into me going full speed.
I ran over it and actually felt it bang the underside of my car,
my left foot picked up the sharp vibrations with such acuteness that I
could almost feel it’s fur on my sole.
loudly. I don’t like dead
animals and hate possums with a phobic passion. Cleaning one out from my car would be a nightmare of epic
proportions, even in the middle of the day.
loudly, I looked in my rear view. The
possum rolled across the road, in the manner of someone rolling down a
hill with no semblance of control, then rolled to his feet and without
disrupting his momentum one but, continued his sprint across, as if my
car never happened.
And I mean
it - I smashed this bitch. It
hardly fazed him.
was running in the opposite direction from me, I still floored it.
proves is something I’ve suspected for quite a while now: Opossums are
spawned from Satan himself. No
just, loving God could have created such a vile beast.
column is proving is that women CONTINUE to be the most fascinating
frustrating species on the planet.
Men do not know women and probably never will.
relationship questions came my way this week.
Enough to fill two columns.
I don’t mind them. It’s
my pleasure to lay down the honest truth for you all.
We open with an interesting philosophy towards handling rejection.
Okay, you stay friends and become an active part of her life.
You get to hear her talk about her other boyfriends; how Samuel
Hung is so large she felt it poke into her intestinal tract; how she was
treated to candlelight dinners, moonlit walks, heavy make-out sessions
on the beach; how Mr. Hung makes her jaw ache.
You get to hear about every guy she goes with until she finally
meets the “one”… and BOY she will be head over heels for this guy,
you’ll hear all about it.
All the while, you’ll still have the hots for her.
You see or talk to her all the time - that feeling won’t go
away. In fact, it’ll get
worse and worse until you realize you fell in love with her.
(We want that which we can’t have the most).
You get angrier and angrier and more jealous until one day, you
can’t take it anymore and confront her with your feelings and beg…
that’s right, beg her to
give you a shot. She’ll
say no and you’ll fall into a depression that some people never come
out of. Your outlook on
life will be changed forever.
That sound like fun, sporto?
Your friends have their heads up their asses.
The girl says “no”, move on.
Get out of there and find a new one.
Your no contact policy is not bullshit is SMART.
Keep it up, you are saving yourself a shitload of grief even if
the scenario I pictured was “worst case”.
I guess we
can call this next letter, “Young Love”.
you’ve never looked her in the face and said, “I want to put my
penis in you”.
Doesn’t matter anymore, anyway. It’s too late now. You
ruined it by introducing sex into the equation. It sounds to me like the relationship – in all forms- was
starting to dry up anyway. I
think you’ll find that you’ll start seeing less and less of her
until you and her have both gone your separate ways.
It’s a natural part of life, bro’.
It’s rare for friends to stay friends forever – same sex or
Let it dry up and start walking down that path… or have a big face
to face and say, “Look, I love you.
Let’s try the mutual exclusive thing and see where it takes
us.” It’s a risk, but
if you really think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with
her, it’s a necessary one. A
guy and a girl can’t be friends… because eventually his future
girlfriend and/or her future boyfriend will object.
Now here’s a sweet, nice little e-mail that’s bound to tickle the romantic heart in all of us!
You go up to him and say, “Ya know, sir… I always said that
once a girl starts swallowing, I’m gonna have to marry her.
Well guess what your daughter did last night!”
“Let me congratulate you sir, it’s not every girl who is so
willing to stick her ass in my face and say, ‘Do me in the butt’
halfway through the first date. You’ve
raised a fine daughter!”
“Last night I asked her who her daddy was, and she didn’t say
YOU. Guess I’d better
rope this mare in now, eh hoss?”
can go up to him and say, “Mr. So and So, I have decided that to spend
the rest of my life making your daughter as happy as I can is what I was
put on this earth for. It
would be my privilege to become a part of your family by taking your
daughter’s hand in marriage. Do
I have your permission, sir?”
or… just do it word for word.
luck… and be sure you’re doing the right thing here.
me two big questions here. Sorry, but only one at a time.
allow for the fact that you are still a kid and having a handy dandy,
ready whenever booty call on call is an awesome, AWESOME situation for
you to be in.
yeah… weight does matter. No
sense bullshitting you there. But
weight and looks matter with girls too, do not doubt that.
it’s time to grow up. The
girl has a child. The girl
is thinking long term. The
girl obviously enjoys what you do to her in the sack and appears to be
falling in love with you. Real
feelings are suddenly getting in the way of your good time.
Aww, too bad.
had your fun. Now break it
off and give her a chance to find someone who wants her and the kid.
You owe her that much. End
you ignore me and continue using this girl like a fucking wad of toilet
paper, you deserve to get Cock Cancer and die in agony.
I get the
sense you know all this and just wanted to see it in print.
So there you go.
just use cucumbers.
you just go into a porn store and have fun picking one out.
Don’t be shy or uncomfortable or embarrassed.
Make it a goof-fest. Trust
me, every other customer there is A: Just looking to get in or out
without being recognized by anyone either, B: Drunk and/or high or, C: A
complete freak. They are
usually alone too. Go in
there together and you'll look like the two most normal people in the
the cashier doesn’t give a fuck either.
Let’s now dramatically change gears and veer off into a totally
I’m a man of uncommon honesty (when you look like Brad Pitt’s
younger, more handsome brother, you can get away with that), I will
freely admit that I asked Flea to assist me on this.
starters, there is no monopoly here.
Any idiot with a printing press can start a ticket producing
company. It is quite
illegal for any business to actively block other businesses from
competing with them.
A business, on the other hand, has every right to corner the market
and snap up as many exclusive deals as they can.
That’s right, Ticketmaster was smart enough to skip dealing
with individual venue promoters, and instead hooked up with the music
industry itself – in this sense, it’s really a case of the middle
man eliminating one of it’s ends.
Someone at Ticketmaster was smart enough to say, “Hey, how about we
go to the record labels and offer to front up some of the expense of so
and so’s major tour in exchange for a small percentage of every ticket
sold as well as exclusive rights to print up the tickets for said
tour?” The record labels
jumped all over this idea because A: They save a lot of money (in music,
ideally, labels get most of the record sale profits while bands get most
of the tour profit) and B: They don’t have to sweat dealing with a
million small ticket sellers in every town.
It saves them money and headaches.
Really, for the labels, it’s a no-brainer.
It was really just a case of vision: Someone woke up one morning, and
figured out that printing concert tickets was really a license to print
money - a bottomless well of hundred dollar bills.
Ticketmaster should be commended for it.
And fuck Pearl Jam. They
were just looking for a cause to rebel against, and picked one of the
lamest ones imaginable. Eddie
Vedder can blow me.
So yeah, it looks like a monopoly, it smells like a monopoly, but
there is nothing stopping another ticket company from trying to
establish a foothold in North America.
After all, that exclusive deal Ticketmaster has with the record
companies has to end SOME time.
Coke, Copenhagen, Stern, Stratus, Mike’s, Jack, Ginger, and Tastes
Paperbacks were created just for this.
Every single book I’ve recommended in my two-week book club
thing is available in paperback. Most of them fit in your back pocket.
that, movies, porn, and groupies.
Go to a
club, tell babes you are an actor, tell them your story: Do this ritual
with ten girls and I promise, at least four of them will practically
Beyond that, get a Gameboy.
Uh oh, it’s been a while since we’ve had a good ol’ question
about relationships, let’s fix that!
“But she’s got a boyfriend”, “But she’s got a boyfriend”,
“But she’s got a boyfriend.”
your answer for everything concerning her.
Shut the fuck up. She
obviously doesn’t give a shit about you (unless she is a total twit,
or you are horrible at communicating your feelings).
even tapping that ass? Just
a goodnight kiss?
friends are her friends? So?
If you stop talking to her, do you lose all your friends?
Then get new friends. There
are millions of people in the UK who will make dandy new mates.
Seek them out.
never be inside her. She’ll
never choose you. If she
does, she’ll cheat on you. She’s
got you wrapped around her finger and she knows it and your friends know
it and even I know it. You’re
someone to hang with when the boyfriend isn’t around.
You are her ego-stroker. You
are her bitch. Bark for
her, doggy. “Woof,
I think you
know what you have to do here.
Join a gym.
Put an add
in the singles.
there, Mr. Lonely.
friends is easy unless you are an asshole.
On the other
hand, emptiness is good too. Good
for the soul. Keep that in
Here, this next letter lets me expound on this theory just a tad:
Man, you love to ramble.
you spilled your guts to me for no reason.
You didn’t ask me a question about your relationship with your
ex (she got scared and reached out for you for comfort and security.
You turned her down. You
feel guilty about it now but trust me, you did her a favor by taking
away her safety net) so I won’t comment… uh, much.
question is about my personal philosophy, which I shall discuss.
I choose to be alone because I like it.
I don’t like getting hurt- so I make it very tough for that to
happen. Once was enough.
That “once” happened many, many years ago back in the soft
end of my twenties. Recently,
once almost became “twice”, but I was able to catch myself before I
fell too hard for her. I’m
calling it “Once and a half” now.
marry and really, could not care any less about having children.
Both options are always subject to change, but first Trish
Stratus has to take me off her block list (hey baby!)
But my philosophy isn’t for everyone.
It takes a lot of will to enjoy being alone.
Most of you people need heavy social interaction.
That’s because most of you depend on what other people think of
you. You think the number of friends/lovers you have defines who
you are. Not only is that
stupid, it’s pathetic.
some of you also have a lot of friends/lovers just because you like to
party. That’s cool.
Believe it or not I’m, by nature, an introvert.
I prefer small gatherings in order to fully relax.
If you only come alive in a room stuffed with people, that’s
alone because it fits who I am. That’s
your second question: I give advice because I know who I am and I know
who I am not; therefore, I can give objective opinions.
I don’t need to bend anyone’s ear - judging from your e-mail,
that’s your deal.
your third question: Change is never, ever easy.
If it were just a HAIR tougher, it would officially become
I think now
would be a good time to wrap things up with two pairs of same-theme
questions. The first pair
deals with a profession and the second deals with wives and fiancées
and ADULTERY (kind of).
The kids won’t listen to you, no matter what you do. You’ll always be the enemy. Try to be down wit’ them and they’ll laugh. Try to be Mr. Serious Teacher and you’ll lecture a roomful of daydreamers.
I could possibly give is to be yourself. Don’t front. Be
care. Give a shit about
them. Be there for them
after school. Help them.
It’s what you’re supposed to do.
glimpse into your future? Check
this letter out:
My bones are screaming, “SHUT UP AND DO IT!!” just like with that other guy above.
that guy is making tons of money and if he plays it smart, he’ll be
free to do whatever he fucking wants before 40.
teacher: a miserable, under-appreciated, frustrating career that just
barely earns you enough money for a new pair of shoes every six months.
Plus you have a kid on the way.
He’ll eat up whatever shekels you managed to save up in no
this, go back to college, improve on whatever degree you have, and
submit your resumes to private academies and prep schools.
Hell, even colleges will give you students more willing and eager
to learn. (Plus, the babes
are fun to look at, on the D-L, of course).
I hope you
didn’t get into teaching only because you thought you would have
summers off. I hope you got
into it for the opportunity to shape minds.
If you’re sick of staring at idiot kids who are just whiling
away their time before they get to spend their life punching a timeclock
at “Harry’s Auto Shop”, then go to where the kids actually want to
absorb what you have to offer.
believe the money is better in private academia too.
Ironic name. Named after your father?
summed it up nicely (by way of Barry Manilow):
Regrets… I’ve had a
are admiring the one gorgeous fish that you were able to pull into your
boat, you are wondering about the ones that got away. What if... what if...
normal… and it will pass in time.
Relax. Plus, if it
makes you hold out longer with her, then even better, stud.
just thinking about doing them while your humping your poor wife is a
HELL of a lot better than thinking about your poor wife while humping
one of them.
Christ sakes, don’t tell your wife about this. I know and you know that there is no wrong doing here but…
how would you feel if she admitted to thinking about the big wangs that
she didn’t get to try while you are grinding away on top of her?
You should grow up.
you’re wife IS NOT INTO IT. End
of fucking story. She does
NOT WANT TO DO IT. End of
fucking story. Stop being
so goddam selfish. You are
married. This means that, theoretically, you no longer think for just
yourself. For the rest of
your life- again, theoretically- every choice you make has to take her
feelings into account. From
shopping to sex to video rentals to gardening to what car to buy to sex
to which toilet paper you should use: everything you do, you do for two
people, not one.
her; you knew exactly what you were getting into.
Keep trying to force her into something she doesn’t want to do.
presented with an amazing opportunity that includes both of you.
The wife isn’t into it. Show’s
over. That’s it. Shouldn’t
even be a question. You
shouldn’t have written to me. What
did you think would happen? You
could talk her into it? One
time she got plastered and said that it was a fantasy.
Well, I have a fantasy of getting a penile implant and tacking on
an extra 4 inches. It can
be done too, at a high risk and cost – but I’ll never do it because
IT’S JUST A FANTASY!!
what, ask your wife about her other fantasies. What if one of them involves a four way with Allen Iverson,
Mike Tyson, Jay Z, and Old Dirty Bastard?
Would you set that one up too?
wife and tell her co-worker thanks but no thanks.
had enough. I’m sure you
Do you like
what I have to say? Then
ask me what you need to ask, I’ll tell you what to do!
This is Hyatte
send feedback to Hyatte - GLORYDOG@COX.NET