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This column is not intended for people under the age of 18, do not read further if you are not over the age of 18.

This column is a warped piece of stream-of-consciousness #*$@ that NOBODY is supposed to take seriously unless I make it clear to do so otherwise. In fact, the biggest target in my Mop-Ups is, has been, and always will be....me! I have portrayed myself, at one time or another, as a Racist, Anti-Semite, Girl hater, Girl beater, Self Involved, Self Pitying, Ego Maniacal, Ex-Convict, Homophobic, xxxxx, Small Pee Peed, Sexually Ambiguous, Alcoholic, A-Hole ...AND THIS IS A WRESTLING COLUMN!!!!!!!

Moral of the story.....this is the dumbest column alive....don't be dumber by taking it seriously.
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I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up.

It's been a while, yet..I can't help but have this funny feeling that a lot of folks are wondering what I have to say in here...it's certainly been an eventful week last week....wasn't it?

I'll venture to say that this might be the most anticipated Mop-Up ever...

T'was not my intention....not even close. Of course, I'd like all my columns to be read by everybody....but.

Actually, I kind of feel like Pesci in 'Casino' where I have to talk with my hand over my mouth so the feds won't read my lips.

But anyway...onto things.

There WAS a column last week, for those who have no clue what happened, it was even posted...for roughly an hour or so...then it was taken off the site... I'm sure the majority of you know why...but for those who don't...sorry, but for once I'm going to think of the site first and say, 'NO COMMENT'. I can't talk about it, I won't talk about it, and even if I did, it would be chopped out...so no dice.

Sorry if you guys were expecting more but.....

Anywhoo....SCOOPS (who have been REMARKABLY good natured and upbeat with me all week) has agreed that other than that one little thing, last week's columns were chock full of all sorts of tasteless material that shouldnít go unread.....

Side note...no matter HOW good natured they (Scoops) have been, I can pretty much GUARANTEE that whenever the word 'Hyatte' was thrown around a by various members of the SCOOPS team this past week, it was either proceeded or followed by LOTS AND LOTS of cursing. I will donate my Kidneys to science if the phrase, 'That FU&\\\%$@* Hyatte' wasn't used at LEAST once.

You see, word got around quickly that I was fired..so I guess this is my last Mop-Up ever. I'm kind of bummed that I didn't get to stick around for the end of the year and deal out my killer Millennium Closer that I've been waiting two years to post. But hey, can't help it if I'm s-canned. It's their decision...it's their site.

Wipe those tears...we got us two full shows to discuss, a whole laundry list of personal issues I have to get off my chest, many numerous uses of the word 'douchebag' that I have to scatter about, more gay jokes than any rational man can stomach, and if you're VERY good...I'll even talk about my dead mother some more. IT'S THE LAST MOP-UP....I'M GONNA SAY WHATEVER I DAMN WELL....

^AAAAAAAA

One last thing....Eric Benner has a KILLER column here on Scoops that's all sorts of smart, thoughtful, and provocative. He's also jumping up and down like a monkey right now because I'm plugging his column here in the middle of all this controversy. Eric told me that his column is VERY controversial too....and if you read it, and write to him, he'll send you .... Don't ask me HOW Eric got that valuable piece of memorabilia, he just has it.

Wonder how the Home office is reacting to THAT one?

Oh yeah, I do make one promise... This column is a warped piece of stream-of-consciousness crap that NOBODY is supposed to take seriously unless I make it clear to do so otherwise. In fact, the biggest target in my Mop-Ups is, has been, and always will be....me! I have portrayed myself, at one time or another, as a Racist, Anti-Semite, Girl hater, Girl beater, Self Involved, Self Pitying, Ego Maniacal, Ex-Convict, Homophobic, xxxxx, Perhaps Homosexual, Small Pee Peed, Sexually Ambiguous, Alcoholic, A-Hole ...AND THIS IS A WRESTLING COLUMN!!!!!!!

There is other stuff too....Hell, I should sue myself....and Scoops...YA HEAR ME SCOOPS!!! I AM OFFENDED BY THE WAY YOU ALLOW ME TO TALK ABOUT MYSELF!!!!! I'LL SUE YOU FOR EVERY PENNY YOU'VE GOT!!!!!!

Moral of the story.....this is the dumbest column alive....don't be dumber by taking it seriously.

RAW IS WAR (or: Is that Frosting on Mae Young's face? Or is this the sickest Porno flick I've ever seen?)

-opens with....umm...well...you see..the thing of it is...I sort of missed the first few minutes. I ran out of VCR tape without even realizing. I VIVIDLY remember seeing a shot of Shane, Test, Gerry Brisco, and Pat Patterson walking around searching for Vince McMahon. I VIVIDLY remember seeing the camera follow Patterson down a hall. I VIVIDLY remember watching Pat's arse shimmy as he walked. I VIVIDLY remember wondering if he was wearing underwear. I VIVIDLY remember looking for brown streaks. I VIVIDLY remember wondering what I am doing with my life.

-I replaced the tape, but not before giving my head a few healthy bangs against a piece of wall stud.....several times...you know, I'm almost 30 years old AND I'M LOOKING FOR BROWN STREAKS!!!

-Okay...the new tape was put in..I only missed a few minutes..so let's join the action with.....

-opens with Shane and Test finding Vincent K (He wears no wig and it's UNFAIR TO SAY THAT HE DOES!!!!!!! NOT TO MENTION SLANDEROUS) McMahon...geeze..I missed a LOT...Mankind and Snow vs the Holly's.....lots of searching for Vince...DX in the limo....

-come to think of it...I didn't miss diddly squish....it's the same crap...week after week after week.

-anywhoo..they find Vince outside..in a car...with a baseball bat.,..he's stroking that bat very gently..then a little harder...a little harder...faster....faster..My Word..I HOPE it's just a baseball bat?

-But if it isn't a bat....WHOA..VINCE..BOOYA MY MAN...BOO-F-IN-YAAAA

-Shane and Test, well, mostly Shane, Shane had no lines, start asking Pappy Mac to come inside. Vince says that he's just chilling out enjoying Nitro on his mini TV and that they should leave before Bret hart makes his inadvertent return to RAW. Shane insists....Vince yells at him. They take off....Ross wonders what the Hell is going on, and what did he ever do to Ed Ferrera?

-back to the main stage, Kurt Angle comes out, wearing more gold than...than.....than.....umm....nope...drawing total blanks.

-What a handsome man this Angle is. (What? Can't I comment on a man's handsomeness without being labels a Buckle Swashler? What's wrong with you people?)

-Angle shook the fan's hands as he walked around, Ross called it 'Glad handling'

-He even shook Ross's and Lawler's hand. Jimbo's eyes never left the Eclairs he kept to the side.....Angle's hand was a wee bit too close.

-Mark Henry came out. Does he ever NOT sweat?

-Kurt got on the stic and said that the Olympic credo was 'Win if you can, lose if you must, but always participate....and watch out for those Russian babe swimmers with mustaches and hairy chests'.

-He also said that he don't care much for fat guys who get babes (Lord knows I don't either) but who don't get medals...but everybody should cheer for him anyway because he's a lot like Bob Backlund except he doesn't look so goofy and he'll never run an angle where he's amazed by his own hands.' (Now STOP THAT!! PSYCHO BOB RULED!!!!!)

-Psycho Bob BACKLUND...that is

-He then said that at the Olympics, Mark was too busy getting lapdances instead of focusing on winning medals (I hear that's what did Tonya Harding in too)

-great...Tonya Harding....I'm referencing 4 year old material now.

-Angle said that was the reason why Mark finished 18th place...the fans could not care less...Henry was proud of this.

-The good news is that we came in 2nd in the Rider Cup.....I think.....I know it's not spelled 'Rider' but.....I'm taking NO chances here.

-Angle said that if Henry followed the 'Three I's' (Intensity, Integrity, and Injectdajuice), he would have come in first, and not dead last.

-Am I crazy or is Angle crosseyed?

-Henry finally got mad and attacked Angle. He hurled him up in the air and let him dead drop to the ground.

-Then he sprinted across the ring and slid through the second rope, it was supposed to look like Angle's head caught the brunt of it, but it didn't work out that way..it was still pretty cool for the big guy.

-Angle did that crazy arm lock submission thingy that all the kids are not doing these days. Henry turned it into a powerbomb.

-Angle performed a backdrop/Bridge maneuver, but couldn't hold the legs. Henry still acted totally immobilized (Bless his big fat, cholesterol filled, heart) and took the pin. The Angle angle marches on...DESPITE the sign that read 'Kurt No Angle'....I like this guy. He's cool.

-Ah..and someone was walking around with a sign that read 'WWF IS IMMORAL' on one side and 'WORLD WIDE FILTH' on the other. I have no comment.

-Outside, DX is still living lizarge in the Limousine. Why is it, that when they are being Faces, they ride in Mazdas, but when they are Heels, they get Limos?

-Cut to Vince McMahon...who uses the 'F' word...then makes a bloodcurdling bellow....play it backwards and you can clearly hear him scream, 'RUSSO ....!!!!!!'

-Vince floors the accelerator and crashes into the Limo.

-Cut to DX in the Limo for a reaction shot..the cameraman shakes his camera for affect...I've seen porn flicks with better FX.

-You will note that Vince's airbag doesn't go off

-You will also note that not a single strand of Vince's hair is out of place during this whole ordeal.

-Vince gets out of his car and starts smashing the Limo's windows with his bat...he keeps screaming, 'LET'S PLAY THE GAME, LET'S PLAY THE GAME!!' (What an unusual time to start singing a Queen song?)

-come on...even if your reading this in hopes of burying my arse.....you've got to smile at that one at least.

-err...I just re-read it.....maybe not

-DX ran for the hills....Ross weighed in with this brilliant insight, 'I think he lost it!'

-I would have screamed, 'VINCE HAS LOST IT, VINCE HAS LOST IT, GOOD GOD ALLMIGHTY, VINCE HAS LOST IT!!!'...just to show that I can take it.

-Vince stalked off, possibly to a phone booth to try to get Austin to work through the pain. Anyone else notice I jammed four 'to's in that sentence?

-commercials

-Ross surveys the damage to the Limousine. The he went totally loopy and blamed the Fake Sting for it.

-footage of what just happened.

-Shane and the crew were trying to coax Vince into calming down....Vince had the bat and a wild look in his eye that hasn't been seen since the last time Patterson went up to him and said, 'Vince, it happened again.' (10-1 says that don't make it)

-The Godfather came out with some ladies...I no longer feel comfortable calling them 'Ho's'...it's disrespectful.

-BIG sign from the same guy that reads 'WWF=PORN'.....well, I always knew 'RAW is PORN' made a snappy catchphrase.

-Is this guy Joey Styles?

-GF did his thing....many fans sang along....this flagrant condoning of drug usage is utterly OBSENE!!!!!!!

-Of course..once I mixed Tylenol with Nail Polish remover and mainlined it.....Sweet Georgia Brown....THAT'LL pass yer gallstones.

-Y2J ticker came on...

-Lights out

-explosion

-theme

-out he comes. Big pop..

-Here's a first, he said, 'Welcome to Raw is...' then let the fans finish it. That's NO way to achieve mega heel status.

-we see the whole thing with Chyna's thumb. Ross says that Chyna has NOT pressed charges. I'm sure hundreds of folks are expecting some sort of remark here.

-Jericho says that he is the greatest, but his rep is being tarnished by being in the same ring with this 'piece of crap' (oh come now...Pimps have feelings too....I want you all to go out and hug a Pimp today...go ahead.)

-Then Jericho calls all the Ho....err....Ladies 'ugly pigs' and demands that they leave his arena. (Whattya expect? Being Canadian et all)

-of course..I LOVE Canadians. They know that...a good, decent, well mannered people...and their country has been touched by God

-The GF attacked Jericho...that went a bit....

-The Jericho found himself outside....he used one of the ladies as a shield..then threw her at the GF. Everyone with even the slightest vision saw Godfather test her melons for ripeness...then Jericho launched at him from the steps. Then the Ladies attacked Jericho..although I suspect a few of them were feeling his rock hard abs and his to die for chest...(ratluckyprick)

-Jericho won easily...because if he lost even I would have screamed that he should go back to WCW.

-Backstage, some Police men managed to grab Vince and place him under arrest....next thing we know, Vince is 'riding the bracelets' (I learned that phrase from Andy Sipowitz, a miserable drunk with a heart of gold)

-'Chris, there is some confusion here. Who is this Andy Sipowitz and explain why he is a 'miserable drunk'? Please respond quickly so we can get the Mop-Ups posted before Saturday.'

-ohh...I'm just trying to have fun here.

-HHH charges out of the dressing room and proceeds to pummel Vince...Vince uses his head for protection...after Y2K fires off all the nukes, it'll just be Cockroaches, radiation, and that damn rug.

-commercials

-during the break, HHH comes out to torment Vince some more..Shane's out to the rescue...we saw this exact same scenario with Austin and Vince. Suddenly, Hogan's legdrop seems as fresh as socks out of the Dryer.

-Edge and Christian come on out.....remember, we only THINK we know them

-The WWF will be a part of the next Vanity Fair...featuring a quote from Dan Doomsday (there, happy now?)

-The Dudley Boys enter the ring...they get right to it.

-What we have here is two VERY talented teams, and no place for them to go quite yet. This match featured the '3 D'...a Spear on Buh-Buh after D-Von Leapfrogged over Edge, and a Superplex enhanced by Edge getting Christian on his shoulders. dare I say..it was an excellent match.

-The Blonde kids won. They are an Enigma, wrapped inside a riddle, and covered with more hair than Sebastian Bach had on his worse day

-In other words, we still don't know jack squat about them

-Michael Cole talked to the Rock, then they were interrupted by Mankind and Al Snow....Mick Foley said something to him about....something...I don't know....bug off.

-Somewhere, someone is about to write...'Bug Off'? Hyatte doesn't say 'bug off'...THAT ISN'T HYATTE!!!!!! WHO'S WRITING THE MOP-UP NOW???? WHO DOES AL THINK WE ARE TRYING TO...TRYING TO...

-oh screw it...

-Anywhoo, the Rock took the opportunity to bi**h at Foley for daring to speak to him after the last time where he accused him of throwing his book in the trash.

-then the camera closed in on Foley and Snow, who laughed at the Rock and goofed on his upcoming biography (which really is a dumb concept...Maivia's only been in the biz four years or so...it reminds me of the time someone thought Jenny McCarthy had lived long enough to chronicle her life).

-The camera pulled back to show the Rock looking at Snow...as implausible as it was, it still got a solid laugh from the crowd..and me too...dammit.

-The Rock asked Snow who he was...and if he worked for the building...and that he doesn't give autographs.

-Then the Rock asked about the Mannequin Head....suggesting that he take it to the makeup lady...have her fix it up real nice...da da da, dee, dee, dee and whatever the Hell else you want to put in there.

-The Rock left...Snow was ticked....Foley told him to chill, then walked away happy to know that the Rock read chapter 37 of his book

-Having Maivia not recognize Snow? Brilliant. Russo worthy brilliance.

-Outside, the cop car pulls into the Police station...Vince is pulled out of the car and led inside...Vince says that the car smells like pee...the cop says it's probably because folks pee in it. (Interesting...I don't remember reading about Bobby Brown being arrested in Buffalo?)

-Vince is brought inside...the cameras are there to show it...not only is that illegal...IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!!!!!

-Well...Buffalo is AWFULLY close to Canada.

-Vince is sat in a chair.

-stuff dealing with this Wedding next week that will either be a total disaster that will send Nitro back on top of the ratings heap, or be the most talked about angle since Bret was screwed in Montreal.

-commercials

-We are at a Wedding shower. Mae Young and Moolah give Stephanie a Leather skirt and bra ensemble. I have mixed emotions when envisioning her in that.

-Meanwhile, Linda McMahon sees this and discreetly starts refreshing her beverage with Wild Turkey.

-Stephanie pulls out a 'Cat O' 9 Tails'. Linda pulls it out of her hand. Then starts chugging the bottle.

-Mae Young gets up and whispers something in Stephanie's ear about her wedding night. You know, I'll buy Brad Armstrong as a Hippie before I buy Stephanie as a Virgin

-Mae slugs down some wine...she's getting drunk.

-The Hardy Boyz come out with Terri Runnels. Teri flashes the cameras...Lawler keeps on playing the horn dog act.

-Speaking of which.....I was in the store the other week and saw Jennifer Love Hewitt on the cover of 'Maxim'...I swear..I had an accident right there in the middle of the store. My GOD...she can be so hot.

-X-Pac comes out...it's a one on one thing with one of the Hardy boys....(Duuh)

-After a reasonable dollop of action, much of which X-Pac owned...they switched things a round a little and actually had the other Hardy interfere.....X-Pac was ready for the big Job when. Road Dog came out and made trouble....

-Then Billy Gunn ran in and Gorilla Slammed the Hardy into an 'X-Factor' ...the 'Pac' got the 'Pin'.

-How Ross can act so outraged at the DX interference, yet loudly cheer when the Hardy's double team X-Pac is beyond me....THE MAN DESERVES TO BE PARODIED!!!!!!!!

-DX continue to beat the dye out of the Hardy's hair.....Terri Runnels ran around the ring looking as hot as a 30something chick can possibly look (cut off age is 34...then it's Sag City baby)

-Vince is finger printed....he used a $100 bill to wipe the Ink off. (no more bemoaning Turner's wealth for Vince....there will be NO more playing the role of the 'Pauper')

-The Big Show is walking back and forth....sort of a metaphor for his career so far...lots of moving, but no real progression.

-commercials

-Back to the Wedding shower....Linda announces that they are all going to Las Vegas to catch Sinatra play the Flamingo (Linda hasn't read the papers in a while).

-Then Mae Young stumbled and Moolah pushed her into the cake....Mae jammed a hunk back in her face..then gave Stephanie a little too..all the while groaning. All that creme....all that moaning.....all that liquor....God..I miss those baths my Grandmother used to give me.

-That Mae Young...she's a funny old coot, isn't she?

-Vince has his mug shot taken. Even in Jail he sticks out his chest.

-The Big Shew comes out....we are told that the second hour has arrived..(WHAT????)

-He sticks his hand up in the air....yes, he can count to 5.

-After some suspense building drama.....

-Kane comes out with Torrie, no, not THAT Torrie, the other Torrie....

-The bell rings....no wasted motion...they go at it efficiently.

-TBS powerslams Kane with as much grace as Kidman on a slow day (which still ain't half bad)

-Lawler comments in this Torrie/Kane fantasy scenario. How Ross manages to sell it without the slightest hint of sarcasm is beyond me.

-Meanwhile, Torrie, who watched from the entranceway, was suddenly accosted by Midean (been there, done that)...she ran towards the ring...

-Kane sees this and jumps out of the ring.....he's been in the company for what? Almost three years? Has ANY of his matches ended in ANY WAY other than him getting distracted by something outside?

-TBS ended up chokeslamming Midean. There isn't a single Torrie in the world of Wrestling that has been in a believable relationship.

-Shane and Test are chilling in the dressing room. Shane is on the phone with Vince. Shane hangs up and announces that there is now a plan. Has Wolverine gotten his Adamantium back?

-commercials

-Dominik Hasek is in the crowd. For us nose breathers, we are told that he plays Hockey. The man looks like he hasn't slept since The Islanders last won the Cup.

-we are shown something dealing with Austin and a video. There ya' go...hard evidence that his injury is a FAKE!!!!!

-Triple Hchoo (sniff...God Bless me) came out...the fans called him a Donkey 's Hole (Why bring Courtney Love into this?)

-He said that we had no idea what an 'A-Hole' he can really be...'A-Hole was NOT edited..everything else was....Einstein would have shot himself trying to figure this out.

-HHH used footage of Vince ramming the Limo as proof that he was the one who ran over Austin. Then told Vince that if he was sitting in jail right now, wondering who pressed charges, well, HHH was his Huckleberry (name me one jail cell that has cable TV).

-HHH boasted that he 'sent your arse to the hoky!' (It's POKY ya' big nosed twit!)

-Then HHH accepted Vince's challenge for a match at 'Armageddon', then implied that Vince was getting raped in Prison. (Yeah, but since he's a Billionaire now...condoms were used)

-Shane McMahon came out and said that Vince made his one phone call to him and said that Vince accepted the challenge that wasn't even on the table until just now...I think...I'm so confused..I just don't know...I.... I DON'T WATCH SMACKDOWN, OKAY?????????

-Shane also said that from the jail cell, Vince ordered HHH to fight the Acolytes tonight in a Handicapped match.

-HHH told Shane to 'front his arse' and not to be a little 'bi**ch' (somebody's been listening to Tupac's old CD's) and face him like a man. Shane started coming down...

-DX came out from behind, Shane saw them and ran into the ring..HHH was all over him...DX joined....Test, Patterson, and Brisco ran in, The Hardees ran in, the Acolytes ran in, Ross BEGGED us to 'put the women and kids to bed'.....(Why on Earth for? Well, I have one idea..but you ain't getting it out of me)

-DX bailed.

-so did we

-commercials

-Backstage, Billy Gunn seemed to have hurt his leg. I demand to see that big boobed chick's certification for administering medical care.

-Val Venis came out...I demand to see his package

-The Bulldog came out....I demand to see...oh...I don't know

-Too Cool came out....I demand to see that gay marriage angle played out

-Meanwhile, Jim Ross began a long lecture on this guy who heads the 'Parent' s Television Counsel' who aren't going right after the WWF advertisers in hopes of getting RAW thrown off the air and replacing it with 'Touched by and Angel' reruns....or something else more suited for 'family' viewing. Does anyone realize that 'Families' don't gather around the TV to watch uplifting TV shows anymore? Can you count the number of times you, mom, dad, and whatever sibling you may have all sat down to watch something on the PAX Network? Didn't think so.

-You wanna know my Dad's version of 'uplifting'? Whenever the cable company screwed up and we got free Spice for the night....then he was uplifted.

-He'll go straight after Nitro too...just you watch.

-Ross screamed, 'FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION!!!! FREEDOM OF CHOICE!!!' Then cited the US Army as a proud sponsor of WWF RAW....(FREEDOM OF CHOICE!!!!! So long as you haul arse to Canada to avoid the Draft.)

-Then Ross reminded us that 'Tailhook' was a Naval Incident...or maybe the Marines

-For some reason, Venis yanked the Bulldog (his partner) off a Too Cooler to disrupt the pin. Then he walked away..then the Meanstreeters were seen watching this...then Bulldog started getting his bum handed to him..then the Mean Streeters ran in....then the Artist Formally Known as The Sultan right after being the Artist Formally Known as Fatu ran in...then Ross called him 'Rackeeshee'...then Lawler began a steam of fart jokes...then 'Rackeeshee' started to beat the living crap out of the Mean Streeters. The man is the size of a cow.

-Then 'Rackeeshee' started to dance with Too Cool.

-Russo would have never approved of this.

-I'm wondering..did he ever 'make a difference'? Or did he eat the difference?

-Backstage, Test and Shane were busy doing very important stuff

-In the Police station...the Cops made Vince take off his jacket and belt. They would have made him take off the rug (not that he has one) but Marv Albert took care of that.

-commercials

-Of course, the question of the year is...how much of his soul did Vince have to barter in order to get Arnold Schwarzenegger on 'Smackdown'?

-Answer: Not a lot..but he had to cover the Premiere of the film, grab a soundbite from Ah-nuld and his co-star (Robin Tunney)...show Mick Foley and Al Snow at the Premiere (they parked the cars) and subject us to ANOTHER CLIP that wasn't really a clip but actually a movie trailer which really sucked...YOU COULDN'T HAVE GIVEN UP A COUPLE OF CLIPS?????? JEEZUS, NITRO PRACTICALLY SHOWED US THE ENTIRE 'ASSAULT ON DEVIL'S ISLAND' on TNT (Home of the New Classics) OVER THE SPACE OF A MONTH!!!!!!!

-Road Dog came out.....and publicly denounced his lamo brother

-Test came out.

-Shane came out....he was the guest referee.

-And thus, the bell rang.

-Nothing to write home about....typical fare. I used the time to think about Test. He's got the chops, he's got the skills, he's got the looks, he's in a killer angle, but what is he missing that keeps him from being up there with Austin? Or The Rock? Or HHH?

-I have yet to see a wrestler stand there and look plausible as he waits on Road Dog to finish his 'shuck and jive' and punch him.

-I've done 105 Mop-Ups....this is the first time I've used the word 'plausible' and I used it TWICE.

-Shane grabbed Road Dog's punch before it connected...The Dog punched him...Test grabbed him and dry humped his booty. Then he Pump Handled him and scored the pin.

-Vince is stewing in the pokey. Anyone else notice how extraordinarily CLEAN that cell is?

-commercials

-The Big Bossman comes out with Prince Albert.

-The BBM got on the stick and said that yes, they are pushing him as the number 1 contender...if you don't like it...go watch Ni(BLEEP)....damn censors.

-The Rock came out...Ross asked us if we ever heard such a reaction before? Well....Hogan at the Pontiac Silverdome 15 years ago comes to mind...but that's it.

-The Rock got on the mic and said that he his partner is 'The People' .......The Bossman got on the stick and screamed, 'Oh No...OH NO!!! I AM NOT CARPOOLING WITH 16 THOUSAND PEOPLE TO THE SMACKDOWN TAPINGS!!!!! GET YOUR OWN GODDAM RIDES!!)

-The bell rang....Rocky had his way with Albert.

-Then The Bossman was tagged..things took a turn....the People didn't even try to tag in.

-Foley and Snow were watching this backstage

-Soon, Foley found his way into the ringside....on the apron..

-Foley was tagged...why is he wearing blue?

-The Prince ate a sock...the Bossman got in there.

-Albert took a Rock Bottom

-Substitute 'Rock Bottom' with 'People's Elbow'

-Throw in a pin...and ring the Bell.

-Matches made easy

-backstage, Brisco and Patterson taunted HHH. Patterson made frequent use of the word 'a$$'

-Vince was bailed out of jail. He was advised to NOT go back to the arena. Wouldn't it be genius booking if he actually went to his Hotel room? It would have fooled everybody.

-commercials

-HH and H came out

-The Acolytes came out...HHH went for Bradshaw..

-It wasn't a tag match, it was two on one

-HHH was tossed out...Ross mumbled something about no DX allowed in here.

-HHH was tossed back into ringside

-Hmm...looks like Faarooq remembered to put on his tattoos this week

-Basically, this was either HHH getting tuned on, or HHH trying to get away from getting tuned on.

-HHH hit the Referee....another one ran in.

-Ross, 'The Acolytes are having more fun than free beer at Happy Hour' ....(How can Beer have 'fun'?)

-Bradshaw clotheslines Faarooq by accident. he was paid for it with a HHH chair

-HHH walked up the ramp backwards....just long enough to make it look extremely awkward

-Vince came out and tossed him off the ramp....HHH made that nice drop.

-The show ended with Ross screaming, 'THE CARNAGE, THE CARNAGE' and Vince standing over HHH making faces usually reserved for those times when another athlete he created tells him that they're going to WCW.

It was just fine, same as last week. Not bad, not great, just average stuff. It's always like this during the end of the year. They are mostly thinking about the first four months of the year, Royal Rumble and the Wrestlemania hype. That's when they start heating up.

I know it's late, but you made it this far. Go check out Nitro and finish the set. It's the last Nitro Mop-Up EVER....you'll regret not reading it in a few weeks after I'm gone.

Nitro Mop Up

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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - Must read before proceeding - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This column is not intended for people under the age of 18, do not read further if you are not over the age of 18.

Moral of the story.....this is the dumbest column alive....don't be dumber by taking it seriously.
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Nitro:

-opens with the ending of 'E.R'....Dammit, why does Carter have to be such a screwup? Why does Benton have to ride him so hard? THERE IS NO 'I' IN 'TEAM' PEOPLE!!!!!!

-End credits...stay tuned for the 'Bad Boys' of Monday Nitro...and unlike that song from the 80's and from 'Three Men and a Baby', they make NOBODY 'feel so good.'

-WCW Logo....Schwarzenegger is too much of a \\\%*##+ to fight THAT.

-Backstage, Jeff Jarrett walks out from behind a curtain and loudly speaks about being 'the chosen one', this being 'his time', and tonight, he's taking matters 'in his own hands'....just who the Hell is he talking to anyway?

-screen goes black for a loooooong time.....except for the corner graphic that says TV14 DLS. I can only assume that 'DLS' stands for 'Don't Listen to SCOOPS' .....(wow..I knew I pissed them off, but never THAT bad)

-and if that don't make the cut.....

-screen goes black for a loooooong time.....except for the corner graphic that says TV14 DLS. I can only assume that 'DLS' stands for 'Dumba$$ Little Show'

-see, I'm behaving, yet I'm also HAVING FUN WITH THIS.

-Opening theme. Since I doubt anybody bothered to tell them apart, I'm sure they can keep AC Jazz in there for as long as they want. Nobody will tell the difference.

-We are greeted by the voice of one Tony Schiavone, who screams, 'WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!!!! BACK...AT'CHA...ONE MORE TIME!!!!' I, for one, am listening to see if he sounds cautious.....perhaps a little scared.

-They are in the Auburn Hills in Michigan....at the Palace....basically in Detroit. Yeah, like there are palaces in Detroit.

-I know that Detroit is about to legalize gambling and build Casinos in the middle of town. What the Hell is the Mayor smoking? I hear Detroit is basically a warzone with restaurants. A Casino will REALLY bring in the family crowd.

-I thought gambling was already legal in Detroit? Every time you step out with money you end up losing it all....as well as various female family members.

-great...now I'm doing Late Night talk show material. THE PRESSURE IS GETTING TO ME!!!!!!

-The first angle out of the backstage is Bret Hart. the NEW WCW World Champion. Which means he wasn't 'screwed' out of anything at the PPV....which means that Russo didn't script a delightful little angle that helps include WCW into the things he came up with in the WWF....which makes this TOTALLY out of character for him.

-DAMMIT!!!! WHEN I THINK OF NOVEMBER, I THINK OF 3 THINGS!!!! STUFFING MY BELLY WITH SO MUCH TURKEY THAT MY BALLS SWEAT GRAVY, BOOTING THOSE NATIVE AMERICANOS INTO BARREN DESERT PLOTS THAT COULDN'T GROW A WEED, AND SCREWING SOME CANADIAN PAGAN SO HARD THE TIP OF MY WEE WEE COMES OUT BROWN!!!!!!! GOD BLESS AMERICA AND PASS THE STUFFING!!!!!

-Clips from 'Mayhem'. I actually saw the PPV, the first WCW PPV I've seen in quite a while. What a good show. I was impressed.

-It wasn't excellent....but it was good....except that moron Kanyon returned. He wasn't missed.

-Gee, think Bret'll cheer up now that he's the champ? Think he'll forget the past and focus on the future?

-Bret opens his mouth and calls Vince McMahon a homo......sigh.

-DAMMIT BRET, GET OVER IT!!!!!

-BIG SIGN that reads, 'EXCELLENCE OF EXECUTION= MASTER OF MANIPULATION'......someone tell those Hicks who focused on that sign that it wasn't exactly a compliment.

-Another BIG SIGN reads, 'IT'S NOT REAL'.....well gee....clue me in on a new secret.

-Bret, 'It's been a long two years! You know, I found myself not too long ago, talking to myself and saying Why do I keep using the word 'myself' several times in the same sentence?''

-He basically was glad he didn't retire, and he was going to be the best world champion that WCW ever had....(yeah? NOT IF RONNIE GARVIN HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT????? BEWARE THE HANDS OF STONE BRETTY BOY!!!!! JUST BEWARE!!!!!!)

-He wanted to thank 'all my fans that backed me up and supported me'...well you are very much welcome Bret...I mean, who has been a bigger supporter than me?

-NOBODY!!!!!!! I have been with Bret since day 1......Owen jokes? What Owen jokes? That wasn't me..that was another columnist....errm.......

-What fake Interview? It was all Gagnon!!!! (Haven't forgotten ya' Buddy!)

-Whatever happened to Sean Chea anyway? And how about 'H. Fab'? Or Dan Murphy? Or Bambi Christina Weavil? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BAMBI?????

-They all used to write for SCOOPS....waaaay back when I first started....in case you were wondering.

-anyway....Bret dedicated the World Title to his 84 year old father at home...unfortunately, Stu was too busy stretching the almighty Hell out of his paperboy at the time to notice...'I told you to keep the damn paper OUT of the bushes!! Now pull down yer pants, sonny!!!'

-Bret said that he was 'going to do things right for a change'....then brought Shawn Michaels out and laid down for the quick pin.....WHICH IS WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE DONE TWO YEARS AGO!!!!!! TIME HONORED TRADITION BRET!!!! TIME HONORED TRADITION!!!!!

-He then said that he was going to give Goldberg a shot at the belt...because he deserved one....and because nobody has EVER chanted 'BREEEETHART BREEEEETHART'

-The crowd popped..then Bret added that this match will take place at Starrcade....the crowd booed. Nice to get them all hard...then dump them out of bed before completion...THE SCREWEE BECOMES THE SCREWER!!!!!

-Hall and Nash come out acting like drunkards. Like college drunkards who don't give a damn. Unfortunately, the last time THEY were in college, Socrates was still teaching Philosophy.

-Hall said, 'Hey Yo.' Then called Bret a 'Canadian Hero'...and teased him for wanting to stand for 'honesty, and dignity, and doing things the right way!' He raised his arm out to accentuate the sarcasm...or to accentuate his buzz.

-Close up on Bret..who said, 'So?'. I hate people who talk to themselves...PUT THE MIC TO YOUR LIPS IF YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING DUMBARSE!!!!!!!

-Hall wanted him to know that he and Big Kev..don't care. Bret looked around and said, 'Well I do!'. Again, his mic wasn't involved.....WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO BRET?????? THAT LOOKS SO FRIGGIN GOOFY!!!

-Hall talked a little more....then Nash got on the stick and said that just because Bret had an iron on that called him the 'Best'...don't make him the best....if that was the case, Nash mused that he must be 'Joe Boxer' tonight, Hall seemed exceptionally pleased with that. Then Hall said that he must be 'The Landing Strip' tonight....because he had a shirt on that said 'The Landing Strip' and showed a plane going towards a pair of women's legs.

-Of course..if shirts dictate who we are now, I guess for tonight, I must be Barbara Steisand.

-Summing up, H & N challenged Bret and Goldberg for a match tonight. Bret accepted on behalf of Goldberg, without asking him. Not to worry tho', Goldberg would NEVER disappoint his millions of fans (most of whom were BOOING him at mayhem Sunday night....BOOING HIM AND CHANTING 'GOLDBERG SUCKS, GOLDBERG SUCKS!!!' It was so cool watching the big lug look around all confused that HE was being booed.....HIM!!! HOW DARE THEY!!! HE'S THEIR HERO!!!! HE SIGNS AUTOGRAPHS FOR ONLY $40 A POP. JOE DiMAGGIO CHARGED 5 TIMES THAT AMOUNT)

-See, Canada gets it right every so often

-Now you know why I liked the PPV.

-GOLDBERG SUCKS, GOLDBERG SUCKS!!!! yeah baby

-Sign reads, 'NASH IS MY DAD'.....don't doubt it for a second.

-Then Jarrett ran in. The Guitar almost broke before he connected with Bret 's head....must have been the wind....that's right...the force was what splintered it.

-Jarrett got on the stick and called Bret 'slapnuts'. Then said that the belt belonged to him. Then they played his music..which was Kid Rock's 'Cowboy'....almost note for note....yep, Jimmy Hart's worth every penny.

-Tony was wearing his ultra slick suits that he has now taken to wearing...I 'd say something, but let's see how he behaves tonight before ripping into him. Bobby Heenan was wearing....well.....he looks like he should be getting arrested by Sonny Crockett for drug trafficking and smuggling Cubans into Miami

-Lots of matches on tap for tonight, including a Nitro girl match...Heenan made a comment about how it'll be filled with ripping, tearing, scratching, and biting...and that's just at the makeup table. It was cute.

-Tony went through the matches....succinctly and without much hype. Things are looking promising.

-Looking like he already ran a huge bartab....Mike Tenay talked to Curt Hennig about why the Heck is he doing there when he has been banned from WCW forever? Hennig said that he had some friends that he wanted to say goodbye to....and McMahon wants him to hand out his business cards a little.

-Then we see the Maestro playing his piano....BIG mistake boys...talent like that should be saved for WORLDWIDE!!!! Don't waste him on this second rate Nitro crap.

-backstage, Konan and Kidman were busy talking about something. If even a smidgen of logic was introduced into this nonsense, a shoeless Kidman would be bleeding from his 'poop chute' by now as Konan tried on his new pair of sneakers.

-We also see Steve Williams in the building along with....oh no. They really are going to do it again.

-commercials

-Disco Inferno's...bookie? Talked to his two leg breakers, 'Johnny Da Bull' and 'Big Vito' and proceeded to send Italian American stereotyping into the stratosphere. AND I'M UNFAIR TO ETHNIC BACKGROUNDS????????

-Which one of them gets to bang Sophia Copolla?

-Sadly, I SWEAR one of them looked like Ken Shamrock.

-If Spike Lee saw this...he'd...he'd.......as God as my witness, I have no idea HOW he's react.

-Lex Luger talked to the PTB.....somehow, Elizabeth and Meng was set up. Why is Lex pissed at Liz?

-Liz saw this on TV and brought bad acting to the same stratosphere that those Italian Stereotypes were currently residing.

-The Bodyguards of the Powers That Be (Be what exactly?) came out....Creative Control.

-Konan (oy) and Kidman came out....this was a world tag team title match...perhaps the MOST IMPORTANT TAG TEAM BELTS IN THE WORLD.

-Tony confessed that he didn't know which Bodyguard was Gerald and which one was Patrick...he then added that neither man wanted to be 'Patrick'...which made me laugh...come on...it was funny.

-I'll make it easy..the one called Patrick is the one who...who....oh nevermind....I know nothing..I assume nothing....

-Kidman took his pre-requisite early bumps.....

-Then K-Dik was tagged..he did that rolling clothesline that I HATE....but the cameras missed it...this is the best Nitro EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Then the NitroTron showed Torrie frolicking with Eddie G backstage, Kidman saw this and freaked....no man alive could see what was happening from that distance. Kidman ran off to, presumably, kick the little Hoo-waa around.

-Konan was left to fend for himself..which resulted in new tag champs.

-Eli and Jacob Bleu are the new WCW World tag champs.....I'd put this right up there with a free OJ Simpson as one of the great tragedies of the 90's.

-Kidman found Torrie and attacked EDDIE(!?!?!?!?!) GOOD LORD MAN!!!! GROW A SET WOULD YOU!!!!

-'I aint trunk Occiffer' Tenay talked to Bret Hart and Goldberg. Bret called everybody 'scum' and said little else. Goldberg said that Bret can take Jarrett tonight, and he'll handle the Outsiders. Either in a handicapped or with a mystery partner. It took me all of 5 seconds to figure out who would be Goldberg's partner.

-commercials

-Some blonde tried to talk one of the Nitro girls out of fighting her colleague tonight...The Nitro Girl said, 'Look Hon, Russo's about to fire us anyway and I will NOT go back to table dancing in Daytona Beach...I'm working this angle.' Then she slipped her Diaphragm in her pocket.....looks like it's time for another contract renegotiation.

-joke..I'm joking.....they are treated with DIGNITY AND CLASS......*cough*

-give me a break...IT'S WHAT I DO!! IT'S WHAT MAKES ME, 'ME'

-Hennig talked to Buff Bagwell and said goodbye. The Maestro played on.

-Norman Smiley came out dressed like Barry Sanders...no chance he'd quit, is there?

-Smiley got on the stic and said that he was the new Hardcore Champion....the fans wasted little time in chanting 'BORING, BORING'...God bless em.

-Smiley said that he was SO Hardcore, he drank milk that was two days passed the 'esperation'....(suddenly, he's channeling Scott Steiner)

-Then he told the 'phreaks' that he was their 'hook up' (Dear God...CALL A PRIEST!!!!)

-He challenged anyone in the back to come out and take on the Hardcore Champ...

-So..Fit Finely came out and proceeded to beat the living snot out of Smiley....the fans started to chant 'NORMAN, NORMAN'..and booed Finely.

-I thought Finely was dead?

-apparently, I was not alone....lots of boos there....lots of yawns too.

-I have no clue who won...or if this was even a match...because they cut back to...

-Tony and Bobby...who made sound effects to signal that while they spoke, the ring was still holding some RED HOT ACTION!!!!! THE PARTY NEVER STOPS IN WCW!!!!!!!

-Tony announced that Bret Hart will fight Jeff Jarrett at the top of the hour. Heenan did the majority of the hype...Tony was being cool as a cucumber.

-This segment was brought to you by 'WCW Nitro for Men: The Fragrance, with No Limits'...who the F&\\\%$ wants to smell like Meng anyway?

-'No Limits'..indeed.....there is no limit to the number of Friday nights you'll be banging your hand while wearing this cologne.

-backstage, Lex told Liz that she's gonna do whatever they have planned for her because she's a woman and every wrestler on the planet walks around shirtless with body oil on because they hate their mommas and women in general....at least that's Al's theory. (sorry Boss, but since I can't reference any other name for a loooooong while...you get stuck with these things.)

-Cigar and post dinner Brandenay talks to Hall and Nash. Hall ain't scared of Goldberg, and suggested bring in the Riot Squad. Nash said that gimmick didn't work, they were both still speared. Nash said that they were still getting the band back together.

-commercials

-Saturn and Asya fought Evan Karagias and Madusa very briefly. The highpoint (not even close really) was that Brad Armstrong came out and introduced a new 'hippie' character who was NOT about dope usage but WAS about using the word 'dude' a lot. I SWEAR...this almost brought me to tears...and not the 'Ha Ha' kind either.

-You know...this is the dumbest sport on the Planet...it really is. Brad Armstrong is suddenly a hippie now......all of the sudden...this redneck from Macon, Georgia....I mean....COME ON

-Russo MUST have a plan..because this is Bischoff type of thinking.

-86ay talked to Kidman and Torrie....Guerrero's hornyness made it personal...meanwhile, Torrie seemed fascinated by her toenails..('Wow..they're like....different sizes!')

-There's Vampiro and the Mifshits (can I even SAY that?).

-And there's Steven Williams and.....sigh...this is Tony's test. He acts up ONE TIME...and we're gonna bury him again. (at least, I'll try to encourage you to bury him again....I can't order you around like that)

-commercials

-'I demanded THREE Oliv'esnay talked to Eddie Guerrero...he called Kidman 'el poco' in the pants and said he'll fight anyone for a piece of that fine white meat.

-Vampiro came out with the Misfits.....I miss ICP and I am NOT ashamed to admit it.

-Berlyn came out with Herr Wall. Remember when Berlyn was getting Jericho-like entrances?

-'Dr. Death' came out with the Ross imposter...officially named 'Oklahoma' ....right off the bat, he seems to have toned down the Bell's Palsy impression. Tony lightly chuckled that they better get these plugs out of the way first.

-Williams used hand signals to told us to 'Rock On', then called us 'The Devil'....hey Doc...IF I HAD KIDS I WOULD AT LEAST PAY FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!

-of course...ahem.....he was cleared of all charges..it was not even his kid......I..I...I hope he can laugh at this now.

-It was Vampiro vs the Wall...of course, the real story was Oklahoma.

-He got on the stic and noticeably toned down on the accent....basically, he was just a normal guy until something happened in the ring..

-Example: The Wall bodyslammed Vampiro into the ring post....Oklahoma, 'POSTED HIM, POSTED HIM, POSTED HIM!!!!!'

-The Wall fought with all the Misfits, 'IT'S A SLOBBERKNOCKER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S A SLOBBERKNOCKER!!'

-I like it when he interrupts himself mid sentence to scream stuff...

-Tony asked him if he minded that he (Tony) would call this match. Okie said that Tony could go right ahead, but he'll talk all over him because he was in the best in the business.

-'I want everyone to know that Dr. Death Steve Williams is gonna go through the entire WCW Locker room like a xxxxx goes through a box of condoms' (Aww..now why bring up ((Insert any female with big boobs who's associated with wrestling here...because I'm being too closely watched to suggest anyone specific)) in such a fashion? HASN'T SHE DONE ENOUGH FOR THIS SPORT???)

-Berlyn hit Vampiro with a 'CHAIR, CHAIR, CHAIR!!'

-The Wall had problems with this....he faced off with Berlyn. Berlyn slapped him. Okie, 'SLAP!! SLAP!!! SLAP!!!! SLAP!!!!'

-The Wall rolled up his sleeves...Okie inquired about who was Berlyn's father. Williams whipped around and screamed, 'NOT ME!!!!!!!'

-Next thing we know, Williams is tearing it up with the Misfits and Vampiro...Okie was having a field day, 'DOCTOR DEATH, DOCTOR DEATH, SLOBBERKNOCKER, SLOBBERKNOCKER, THE MISFITS ARE DOWN, THE MISFITS ARE DOWN!!'

-And the REAL cherry on this sundae...'GOOD GOD, SOMEBODY STOP THIS!!!!!'

-It ended with Okie holding back Williams from Vampiro...

-Okay..break down time:

-Tony was cool about it....he definitely was affected by my e-mail campaign.

-Heenan needs a similar lesson, I think

-Ferrera took it down a few levels....which made it better. I was laughing. I'm sorry guys, but it's a funny sketch.

-Now... on 'another site' Russo gave an interview where he expressed shock that this parody was well received on RAW, but criticized when used on Nitro. Here's the deal Vince....I know that Ross has something of a bad rep in the real world', but on camera, he is a 'beloved character' whom the fans trust, and like. The fans, for the most part, have no clue that he is vehemently disliked by some backstage, all they know is that he's a damn good announcer who puts his emotions into the matches, plays off well with Lawler, and has gone through some hard times in the past year. Sure, his down-home mannerisms are hokey, but he works it well, and nobody can touch him. Plus, if it's done on WWF TV and he plays off it, it signals his approval..it's safe. When it's done on Nitro, it comes off as spiteful and cruel.

-Remember, Nash played Arn Anderson as a drunken old fart....the fans were just as outraged. Now, imagine if RAW tried to parody Arn....the fans would freak.

-End of sermon. I would apologize for that little soapbox lecture, but I said I was through with apologizing.

-But..I DO like the Oklahoma character now..I'm all for it.

-backstage, Jarrett is walking around with the World belt. Now we can plainly see why Austin wouldn't play with him.

-Backstage, Liz locks herself up in a cage....if ALL women over 40 did that, think of what a wonderful planet this would be! (all those hot babes running around.....ohhh momma. Momma? MOMMA?? GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! OH ICK..ICKY ICKICKICK)

-commercials....RAW IS ON!!!!!!!!!

-There's a Limo in the parking lot...suddenly, we hear an inhuman 'YAAAAAAAAAHHH' and VINCENT K MCMAHON SLAMS HIS RENT-A-CAR INTO IT...MY GOD, NOW HE'S MAKING IT PERSONAL?????

-He runs out of his car with a ball bat, RIPS open the Limo door, screams, 'COME ON, LET'S PLAY THE GAME YOU SONAFA...'

-sees who's inside....takes a step back...looks around...says, 'Oh sh**' .....mumbles an apology..and gets the Hell out of there. Schiavone and Heenan are speechless.

-Jeff Jarrett comes out to Kid Rock's 'Cowboy'.....I hope Kid Rock sues them for millions.

-Y'know...I really miss Voodoo Chile...or Child

-Hell, I miss them both.

-Creative Control is with Jarrett. No Guitar.

-Bret Hart comes out. HE is rightful champion....HE never lost it...and NOW he wants revenge. (Haven't we seen this before?)

-If Jarrett asks Bret if he's had any 'Sunny Days'...I think Bret's head might explode.

-Bret goes right after Jarrett

-This lasts a while, then Jarrett sends Bret over the ropes...now Jarrett has a little

-We see Grant Hill in the seats. He mouths, 'Jordan sucks' into the camera...sure...NOW he talks tough

-I miss Bill Lambeer....that white boy took NO guff. AND..he was the ONLY B-Ball player EVER to get Larry Bird so steamed he threw down with him right in the middle of a game.

-Hart ended up on the Announce table. Tony cowered in fear....but he didn't oversell it. (Oh I feel so good now)

-This was as 'Old School' as it gets...enjoy it.

-Tony, 'Grant Hill...LOOKS ON!!!!!!' (God....Allah....either one..I pray to you...keep his arse SEATED)

-Dustin Rhodes showed up and knocked out Jarrett. Goldust, at one time..was THE most reviled character in wrestling....the WWF gave Dustin EVERY CONCEIVABLE SHOT at getting over...he got more pushes than almost ANYONE....Dustin has no business knocking the WWF.

-and Goldust did NOT suck...remember the pop when he first came back to fight Val Venis?

-Bret ended up winning. HBK still laughs at him.

-Backstage, Big Vito and Johnny Da Bull force the Maestro to play a little Sinatra...(nothing wrong with that at ALL)......then proceeds to stomp a mudhole in Italian Americana across the Country....Lord, I hope WCW never needs Union Labor.

-That's Ryan Shamrock with the Maestro!! Suddenly, SHE'S a commodity?

-Ohh...I'd still like to do her tho'....on all fours....from behind.....bang her head against the wall a few times....

-Then DINF's bookie shows up. What followed was a comedy sketch so weak only Lorne Michaels would have applauded.

-Luger was talking to Liz in a cage....sounds about right. Lex conjoled the key out of her cage by promising to drop the Meng idea. Then changed his mind as soon as she handed it over. You know, Women's Lib never quite recovered after Bo Derek wore cornrolls in '10'.

-commercials

-Liz tried to get Sting to fight for her cause. Sting could not care any less. Sting doesn't seem to be caring about much anything lately..does he?

-footage of this Filthy Animals drama that went down earlier.

-Kidman comes out with Torrie. Kidman is now P-whipped. Kidman deserves a beating by real men all over.

-Konan brings out Eddie....Eddie is a REAL MAN DAMMIT!!!!!

-Well, the REAL man was attacked before the bell rang. Meanwhile, Tony said that the Powers That Be had just fired Arn Anderson. I wonder if they had whoever delivered the message to make that slashing sign across his throat when he handed it to him?

-Eddie kept pounding on Kidman until the Ref threatened to stop the match.

-Then a couple of those Revolution scamps came out and broke Konan's arm....(I love those F-ing guys)

-Eddie ended up winning. Konan ended up down....there is nothing I DIDN'T like about this segment

-Russo gave Creative Control some orders...

-Then Jarrett showed up and started yelling at CC

-Meng is there. His Afro was there too.

-Luger had a Fork Lift pick up Liz's cage.

-commercials

-Creative Control met up with Hacksaw Jim Duggan HOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Hacksaw now collects cans for nickels HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-What will hacksaw do with the money from the Cans? Pick up a HOOOOOOOOOOO

-Can I Buy You a Drinkay talks to Spice....she is MORE than just a name for a Porn channel.

-Meng came out.....if you play his jibberish backwards, it says, 'GO WITH GOD, GOD IS GREAT!!'....amazing...and good for him.

-Liz is driven out in her cage..and it's place in the ring.

-Tony calls it a 'shark cage' because there really is a shark circling around. then Meng looks at the camera and says, 'I AM NOT A FISH..I AM A MAN!!'

-Then John Tenta runs out and screams, 'THAT'S MY LINE YA' COCONUT HEAD!!!!!' He was escorted out.

-Luger tried to give Meng the keys. Meng attacked Lex..Sting came out and saved Lex, then Sting opened the cage and walked out with Liz. Suddenly, I'm thinking that maybe Sting SHOULD spend another 18 months in the rafters.

-Goldberg is talking to SOMEBODY in a dressing room....I'm guessing a Burning Bush.

-No..not a female private part with crabs...a REAL Burning Bush.

-There's the Limo

-commercials

-Hall and Nash are lounging about.

-Hacksaw Duggan and Maestro engage in some comedy. If THIS gets over a 6 rating, I'm hanging myself...HOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Lash Leroux comes out. I can no longer look at him without thinking of Jason Hervey

-Disco Inferno comes out. He is nervous about Tony Marinara and his two Paisanos.

-Speaking of which, they show up. Nobody even tried to explain how they are allowed backstage.

-Leroux ended up winning. Vito and Johnny threw him out. Then they beat up DINF.

-This ain't the way of the Italians! WHERE ARE THE CHAINS? THE PIPES? THE TUBES OF PEPPERONI????

-Mama Mia....next thing you know..they'll introduce their Sister..and she won't have a mustache!!!!

-Lash saves DINF..then they roll Marinara in a bodybag. I thought DINF was reeking with potential?

-outside...C and C were at the Limo...sniffing around.

-commercials

-Stuff with Creative Control, a couple of Cops, and the Limo.

-Russo is yelling at Hacksaw Jim Duggan about flooding his toilet this week. Russo insinuates that he had a nasty little accident in his commode this week and gave Hacksaw a Toothbrush to clean it with. Judging from the color of Hacksaw's teeth, this DEFINITELY qualifies as a 'Foreign Object'...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Spice is out, dressed as a Schoolgirl

-Tigress is out, dressed as Carmen Electra

-I see nothing wrong with either's choice of attire.

-Spice snap mared Tygress....Tony acted as if she just cured Cancer

-They tussle, then Spice ends up holding her eye....then Sky shows up..the Ref stops the match....Tygress and Sky attack Spice...Spice goes down..they mess up her face with makeup..Spice is smiling....that was supposed to be Kimberly....Kimberly is smarter than I gave her credit for.

-Vodka Gimletenay talks to Meng. The phrase, 'When Meng speaks, people listen' is heard.

-Meng, 'Meng is no fool, he buys WWFE stock at 14 and sell at 25. Meng now can buy Cable TV. Meng can now see what RAW does. Meng likes Cinemax at night. Meng feel good all night long. Would you like to touch Meng?'

-Curt Hennig comes out. Nitro just went from a 'feel good show' to a 'somber occasion'. Tony began the eulogy.

-Hennig hit the ring and thanked the crowd. The crowd gave him a standing ovation. Now, if I were a TRUE WWF mark, I'd start yelling how THIS IS JUST AS BAD AS THE TEN BELL SALUTE VINCE GAVE PAUL WIGHT'S DEAD FATHER!!! I'd be wrong, but I'd say it.

-Of course, I'm NOT saying it.

-Meanwhile, the Limo door opens. IT'S ARN ANDERSON!!!! TIME FOR A LITTLE PAYBACK FOR PEEING ON HIS SPOT TWO YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!! HENNIG, YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE DISGRACED THE SIGNIFICANCE OF GETTING ARN'S SPOT!!! TIME TO PAY THE PIPER BABY!!!!!!!

-commercials

-Hacksaw Jim Duggan ended up cleaning Russo's toilet with Russo's personal toothbrush. Not a single speck of fecal matter could be seen. And why was Russo's toothbrush there to begin with?

-Roddy Piper comes out...hooray?

-He gets on the mic. Time for a little cheap heat to get the fans going.

-He referenced the Lions and how Detroit doesn't need Barry Sanders....bingo...heat city

-now, here comes the antiquated pop reference to show how 'hip' he is.

-'Nitro...WCW...don't need no stinkin' WRITERS!!!' (Yeah..let's just get Roddy to talk for three hours, then fight for 5 minutes. They'll be pulling 0.2 shares across the boards)

-Piper said that the Writers don't get any female action....he said the same thing about the NWO

-Then Piper's mic cut off....he went to another one..that was cut off too. He ran over to Schiavone, who told him that the Powers that Be MADE the control room cut off his mic. Piper stalked off. I think I may now start worshipping Russo.

-Piper stomped backstage, looking for the PTB....and scaring the beejeezus out of some backstage official who had such a terrified look on his face that I laughed out loud.

-Piper was outside the PTB's office...he reference a little Shakespeare...then kicked in the door.

-He was met by Creative Control. He threatened them and warned them about touching him. he saw Russo, commented on how this little guy has all of WCW scared.

-Then Piper went full on about how he had 30 years in the business, how he made the business, how Bischoff was a misunderstood genius...etc.etc.etc.

-Russo then said that Piper was old, useless, worn out, a bad actor, king of the B movies...and invited him to join Hogan and Flair in a retirement home.

-Piper responded by saying that he has a two year contract with Turner and he WILL get paid and make appearances, or he'll sue.

-Russo said, 'Fine', then threw a Referee shirt at him. he said that Piper will be a lowly referee now...and if he doesn't ACT like a referee...HE'LL SUE HIM!!!!

-Piper walked out...emoting like Shatner on Crack..

-all this talk about 'suing'...for some reason, it makes me nervous.

-commercials

-Piper gets out of the Limo and takes off. Piper's back for another 3 months or so....happy, happy.

-Goldberg's up to something. I'm sure, whatever it is, mortal minds could not fathom it.

-Buff Bagwell came out.

-Booker T came out. Tony said that this match was 'booked by the Powers that Be'....everything else tonight was booked by who? Roman Polanski?

-Tony plugs 'Surge'...pee in a glass and play along at home

-It only went a couple of minutes, then Creative Control ran in and beat up Buff.

-Curt Hennig ran out and stopped them....then Curt attacked Bagwell too....HENNIG'S A SELL OUT, HENNIG'S A SELL OUT!!!!!

-sigh...Bischoff is still here. Make no mistake. He has just taken other forms.

-Suddenly, the lights dimmed.

-Then Booker T's sister came out and beat up everybody.

-meanwhile, Stevie Ray's back in Harlem, cleaning windshields with a cup in hand.

-commercials

-Hennig and C & C are in Russo's office. Russo is very happy with what is transpiring. He sends C & C to go get Juventud Guerrera (Juvee must be Hennig's reward...cute little guy.....nicely formed booty).

-Zimanay talks to Sting. Mid card madness with Top card talent. Liz even showed up to offer her assistance.

-Madusa came out with Even Karagias.

-Saturn came out with Asya.

-It's Madusa vs Asya

-Asya won with a head scissors.....I'm as amazed as you.

-A Comfortable Screwenay talks to Dean Malenko. Malenko's sick of Canada and all it represents. Then set fire to the American flag. Viva La France.

-Goldberg is doing dips. Either that or he's having sex with some guy....no, I think it's dips.

-commercials

-Malenko and Benoit get going on a Flag Match. Malenko came out wearing a Canadian Hockey shirt and was carrying a can of gasoline.

-Benoit ripped the shirt off Malenko, then took the gas can. He walked around the ring with it.

-Before too long, Malenko grabbed the Canuck flag and won the match. Then he jammed the flag in a garbage pail.

-Saturn and Shane Douglas came out. Saturn took the American flag and put it in the can too. That Commie BEERSTARD.

-Bret Hart ran out before anyone could set fire to anything. He cleared the ring. Benoit fished out the Canadian Flag and waved it. Hart fished out the American Flag and waved it. Bret is the HERO TO US ALL!!!!!!!!

-I'm defecting to Iraq and am gonna help Saddam nuke ALL your arses.

-Sting is backstage

-commercials

-WHEN WILL THIS SHOW END??????

-Juventud Guerrera has a present for Russo, some fine Tequila. Russo has a snort, then spits it back in Juvee's face in disgust. He then tells C&C to go get his toothbrush. The audience laughs (HEY, HEY...NO JUMPING TO THE PUNCHLINE!!!)

-Juvee takes off, Tenay was later seen licking his face

-Meng ended up beating Sting after he was distracted by Luger. Sting is now jobbing to Meng. Anyone remember when Sting was THE man here at WCW?

-Nobody can ever accuse Borden of having an ego.

-The Outsiders were walking around.

-Goldberg walked into someone's dressing room and told whoever to get ready.

-Tony, 'WHO IS IN THE DRESSING RO...'

-commercials

-David Flair is backstage, destroying the piano with his crowbar. He isn't Nicholson in the 'Shining'...he's Jason, Freddie, Mike Myers (not Austin Powers, the Jamie Lee Curtis dude), Leatherface, and Corey Feldman. He's those guys.

-The Outsiders come out.

-Goldberg is escorted out. He never heals anyone anymore..must be resting up for the Millennium Crusades

-After Goldberg gets a facefull of Pyro....

-Sid Vicious comes out.....anyone NOT see this coming a mile away?

-If they REALLY wanted to fool us, they should have had Sid come out earlier and do a bit where he STILL hates Goldberg. It would have been a bigger surprise when he came out.

-The bell rang...Hall kicked it off with his Highness.

-Sid was tagged in to fight Hall. He tossed him around.

-Heenan, 'It just keeps getting better.'

-Tony, 'Yeah, this is one of the most STARTLING turn of events we've had in a LONG time!!' He's forgiven for that.

-Sid ended up getting double teamed...the fans start chanting, 'GOOOLDBERG'..bunch'a SHEEP!!

-Goldberg was tagged in. He did his thing for a while, but he ended up taking some bumps.

-This thing went for a few minutes, solid stuff, all the right notes were hit.

-Then Sid Powerbombed Hall, he went for the pin. The ref was too busy getting Goldberg back in his corner.

-Nash dumped an Elbow on Sid..Hall flipped over and pinned him for the three.

-Goldberg farted out the Lightning from the Sky (huh?) and flew into a rage

-WCW Security ran out and did a pull apart.

-The show ended.

If Nitro won, it's only because Tony was cool.

Tony was cool.

Nitro wins, it's that easy.

I've got the best damn audience in the world I only rule because of you guys

This is Hyatte