Editor's Note (for this edition only): Chris Hyatte is a controversial recapper of Monday night pro-wrestling shows WWF Raw (USA) and WCW Nitro (TNT) who just recently made the jump to ScoopThis.com from Playboy & IGN affiliate ScoopsWrestling.com. Chris' views and opinions are his own and do not reflect those of ScoopThis.com management. If you have comments about his work, you can share them with us on our mailboard, or by emailing managing editor Trey Conway.
Review of January 17's edition of WWF Raw (USA)
by Chris Hyatte
To go straight to show recap, click here.
My name is Chris. This is a column that I call the Mop-Up. It's composed of two parts, one dedicated to the latest RAW and one dedicated to the latest Nitro. It is a recap of sorts, yet it's chock full of material that has nothing to do with wrestling. Some people love it so much they actually print out each edition and save it. Others hate me with a vengeance. Nobody will admit to reading it, even though almost everyone does. Perhaps you have heard of me?
I used to write for a site called Scoopswrestling.com. I wasn't fired, I left the site. I was planning to leave and open up my own site, but a conversation with Dusty The Fat, Bitter Pussy changed my mind. ScoopThis was planning to re-launch it's site for the 4th time (THIS time, it's for keeps!) and Dusty thought it would be peachy keen if I would join them. Then he contacted his boss NoSoul, who agreed that it WOULD be peachy keen. I mulled it over, and decided that yes indeed, it would be very peachy keen if I threw in with a site that started off as a parody of my own site... not to mention being, as Dusty put it, "the irony of ironies".
Yes, it's really me. No, this ain't a parody. Although many would say that I've been doing a parody of my own column for MONTHS now (Had to get that joke out early). Trust me... I'm really me.
Why did I leave Scoops? Because I was no longer wanted there. Well, maybe I was, but the Mop-Up wasn't. That's the short version. I'll have a FULL answer in my CLOSER which can be found at the bottom of my Nitro recap. This is how I do things here: Part 1 is some opening thoughts and the RAW recap. Part 2 is the Nitro recap, then my Closer. The Closer is often the best part of this whole column. Because every week, it's something different. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's serious, but it's usually ALWAYS interesting.
Why did I join ScoopThis? Because it benefited both of us. I needed a place to post these Mop-Ups and they needed something unique to launch their return to Wrestling roots. Plus, ScoopThis is a very loyal group of people dedicated to their site. Not for money, or for fame, but because they believe in what they are doing. I admire them for it. Plus, they gave me more Net Awards than anyone else and pretty much cemented my fame among the Wrestling Internet crowd (oy, that sounds so lame). So I thought this could be fun.
Oh yeah...and they won't EDIT ME!!!!!!!! I CAN NOW SAY ASS AGAIN!!!! ASS, ASS, ASS, ASS!!!!!!!
Like I said, the Closer will be ALL about Scoops. No, I won't be ragging on them BIG time. No, I won't be giving away trade secrets. No, I won't post Al Isaacs phone number ANYWHERE. None of that. Just an honest account of what caused me to leave the biggest independent wrestling web site in Cyberspace. It'll be a good read, I promise.
Now I would like to discuss two different topics for my Opening notes. Neither one would have made it online had I sent them to Scoops. They both deal with other web sites. Scoops HATES it when other web sites are mentioned. Especially when I was the one doing the mentioning.
The first topic is Jesus Christ. Right before Christmas, I submitted a long piece to Scoops for my "And Another Thing" column. It was a piece about Vince McMahon hiring Jesus Christ and Satan to work for the WWF for a year. The rub of the piece was that midway through the year, Christ would turn heel and be a bad guy. It was a riff on the extremes wrestling has taken lately for the almighty rating point. Scoops didn't post it. S'okay, no problem. I could see why they wouldn't. It was a racy topic.
So, I sent it to CRZ's site. CRZ basically has a communal site going where anyone can submit something. No rules, no laws, no problems. CRZ posted it right away, quite happy to get an exclusive piece from me. I didn't get a lot of feedback from folks, those who did either loved it, or hated it. It was cool, I knew that I wouldn't get a lot of readers there that I would have if Scoops ran it. I just wanted to get it out there, so someone COULD see it if they wanted to, and if they surfed long enough.
Well, someone at Wrestleline saw it, and it gave them an idea.
Two weeks later, a piece arrived at Wrestleline about WCW debutting a "Wrestling Jesus" gimmick. No author of the piece was given. Mike Samuda screamed that it was "A WRESTLELINE EXCLUSIVE" which is a LIE. Dick Scaia assured us that he was NOT the author of that "racy column", claiming that he is much too PC now that he's under Wrestleline's umbrella. Well, Ricky, nobody thought you had the wit to write something like that anyway (I'm still waiting for his "Deep Probe" parody page), and nobody doubts that you are a total sell out. Let me assure YOU.
I saw somewhere where David Meltzer claimed it was Mark Madden who wrote the piece. Which makes a lot of sense to me. You see, Madden wants to be an "Internet Heel" of some sort. He is deathly afraid of the Internet because the news WE put out is timely, detailed, and MUCH more cheaper than his WCW Hotline number. That's why he downplays the Internet all the time and treats us like children. He ripped off my piece probably just to show me up, to show that he can write essentially the same thing I wrote, and get much more heat for it. Now, if Scoops posted it, it would have been a different story. If it showed up on Scoops, tons more would have read it and Madden wouldn't have dared tried to lift it. Scoops didn't post it though. CRZ did. So Madden got more heat from his piece because more people saw it. Hey, I should be mad, but I'm not. Mark Madden looked to ME for inspiration. Mark Madden needed ME to show him how to be controversial. Gosh darn it, I'm FLATTERED.
Of course, if Madden tries it AGAIN... and if ANYONE at Wrestleline tries to help him pull this stunt over again... well then I'll have to do something about it.
Second topic is this whole Rock/Sickboy/Andy & Opie thing. The Rock did a radio show in New York called the Andy & Opie show. He obviously did that show only because he couldn't get booked on Stern. Apparently, the Rock was having a fine old time with these dickheads, clowning around, doing that stuff that ONLY radio guys with a dumb show name do. Then they brought out a kid named Sickboy. Now, Sickboy runs a site called Wrestling Uncensored, which is basically a message board filled with "uncensored" jokes, commentary, and general nasty stuff. It's a fine board. I've visited it from time to time, and they fired my old Scoops colleague "Spiffy Sean", because he thought he was some sort of star for no apparent reason. But the board wasn't huge. It's not a MAJOR site. That's not a shot at them, it's a fun site to check out from time to time, it's just not extremely well known.
I didn't hear the show, but from what I gathered, The Rock began berating Sickboy for doing "racial" material, then walked off the show. Andy & Opie apologized to everyone, made a few wisecracks, played a few wacky sound effects, put on their Hawaiian shirts, and ended their show. Sickboy went back to his board and confessed that he was quite amazed by all this. Dave Scherer didn't hear the show either, but he weighed in with HIS all important judgment, deemed that Sickboy should be given Cancer of the Penis and declared that the Uncensored Board is a BLIGHT ON GOOD, DECENT, COMPLETELY YET DISCREETY OWNED BY WCW websites EVERYWHERE. He then called for everyone who has ever written for Sickboy's board to be sent back to Africa. Apparently, Dave got awfully confused by the facts of the story.
Earlier this week, Sickboy resigned. He said that he basically can't take the pressure anymore, and vanished. He also wrote that this was all the fault of the Rock's publicist, who must have clued him in on what this was all about, seeing how the Rock couldn't have possibly have seen the site himself. He also exonerated Andy & Opie and said that they had nothing to do with this at ALL. They were good guys.
Someone tell Sickboy to get his head out of his ass please.
Of COURSE Andy & Dopie were in on it. They told the Rock and/or his publicist EVERYTHING!!! They gave them the WHOLE STORY on Sickboy, Wrestling Uncensored, and their racy material. EVERYTHING!!! Is he out of his fricking MIND? These are two lame Stern wannabes... two douchey SHOCK JOCKS!! The Rock being nice to the kid isn't good radio... the Rock bitching at the kid, calling him a racist, then storming out is AWESOME RADIO... IT MAKES THE NEWS... IT MAKES THEM FAMOUS!!!
MORON!!! WAKE UP!! Those two radio idiots were not only IN on it... they SET IT ALL UP!! You were the lamb being led into the slaughter, Genius. I didn't hear the show, but I know radio... I also know loser ass DJs. You were suckered... hook, line, and sinker. And then you go on and say that they did NOTHING... Jesus, next time try to get kissed, before you let them F-You.
I wrote to the kid, told him to hang in there. I felt bad for him. He was like Oswald. Total Fall guy.
Never trust two radio guys with stupid names.
Like I said, I never heard Andy & Opie, I'm sure they suck (my old Scoops Colleague, Freakboy, loves them... which pretty much guarentees that they are horrible). But, no matter HOW bad they are, I'm sure they are MUCH funnier than that homo Mancow.
That was a LOT of opening notes, but I had a LOT to say. The Closer will be even LONGER, because I have a lot to say. In fact, why don't we just skip those boring old Recaps and go right to the closers... because Lord knows, Wrestling is cool and all, but it's NOTHING compared to ME!!! YOU'RE ALL HERE TO READ ME!!! YOU ALL WANT TO KNOW MY EVERY THOUGHT!!!! IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!
I'll bet there is at least... ohh... I'd say... 87 of you who are right now saying, "Now we know why he was edited." Trust me, no you don't.
Let's get on with this shall we? I figure, I have this column, the next one, and maybe the next one after that before ScoopThis starts editing me too. Then I have to find ANOTHER site to bitch about how everyone wrongs me... I wonder if "Joes Wrestling Stuff" is hiring? Does DDP Digest need a RAW recapper? How about the Slayground? What's Xavier Doom doing other than blending together more names from comic books?
"Grimm Banner"? No, too depressing. "Magneto J'onzz"? Catchy! "Luthor America"? Ehh, sounds like a car dealership.
Okay, let's go. Keep in mind, though... just because I am now free to say almost anything I want, it does NOT mean that I'm gonna start out here guns blazing. You might not even see any changes in the column quality for a while. ScoopThis and I are still getting to know each other, I will not force anything just yet. Let this thing naturally develop. Just a fair warning.
RAW IS WAR (or: It may be time to send the Big Show back to Atlanta)
-opens with a Vince McMahon tribute to Martin Luther King Jr. Because you can't say the words "Racial Equality" without the letters "W", "W", and "F".
-Tonight, Jim Ross promises an update on the recent surgery of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin... they showed Austin walking to the ring in slow motion... My God... he must have died!
-DAMN YOU LORD!!!! DON'T TAKE AUSTIN!!! TAKE ME INSTEAD!!! TAKE ME LORD!!!!
-wait a second... I don't want to die... and I'm MUCH too valuable to the Internet. I need someone whom nobody would miss... TAKE SCRAP DOG, OH LORD!!!!! TAKE HIM IN AUSTIN'S STEAD!!!!
-Him or Parke Miller. Either one.
-Last week on any show having to do with the WWF, we witnessed the temporary dismissal of Mankind and the heat generating return of Cactus Jack. I'm surprised that WCW hasn't tried to counter with their own multi-persona gimmick wrestler... (Van Hammer not withstanding).
-*sound of lightbulb going off in my head* EUREKA!!! I'VE GOT IT!!! HIRE GEMINI FROM THE OLD "AMERICAN GLADIATORS"!!!! HE WAS ANGRY ONE MINUTE, THAT HAPPY THE NEXT!!! NOW HE'S JUST BOUNCING SPOILED ACTORS OUT OF SKYBAR!!! HE'D BE PERFECT!!
-Opening theme. The first one to properly decipher the words to that song will receive $50 from Scoopswrestling. (They can't touch me anymore, what do I care?)
-After a smattering of fireworks, Jim Ross asks the burning question, "What will the body count be tonight on RAW??" (Well, including Austin? One so far. Who else do they plan on murdering?)
-They are in New Haven, Connecticut... which will NEVER be as close to getting an actual Football team then they were last year... HA!!! SUCKERRRRS!!
-See, they had the Patriots in their hands, then the owner pulled out at the last second and kept the team in Foxboro. Of course, nowadays having the Patriots in your city isn't exactly a stellar proposition... 'cause the Patriots pretty much suck huge eggs right at the moment... and will probably suck huge eggs for the next thousand moments to come.
-I wanted Miami to go all the way, give Marino a real cool send off. I think the whole world would be rooting for him. But they tanked out BIG time. Now, none of the teams in the playoffs interest me anymore. Tennessee? Minnesota? Washington? Who gives a flying Fudge?
-Ross says that we had best prepare for a "wild ride". I followed his advice and took off my pants.
-Opening things up, out came Cactus Jack. Wouldn't it have been nice if they went the whole nine yards and called him "Cactus Jack Manson"? Then they could have ran a show in France and do a bit where he hunted down Roman Polanski. Make that boy drop a load of "le crap" in his "le jeans".
-Cactus Jack had plenty of "Bang Bangs" for everyone. Why is he wearing Flannel? Who the Hell wears Flannel anymore?
-Jack hits the ring and stomps around. He may be Cactus Jack, but that ass is still 100% Mankind.
-He grabbed the mic and thanked HHH for "getting Mankind mad". Aww jeeze... Triple H must have been caught showing Foley's kids those "funny photos" again. DAMN, dude!!!
-He questioned WHY he would go and tick off Mankind. He was friendly, funny, downright huggable... but somewhere deep inside that playful soul, there was a "sick S.O.B waiting to be woken UP!!!"
-Who, naturally, WAS woken up... after getting hit with the head by a Bell and getting all bloody. Makes you wonder why being hurtled off a 16 foot high cage didn't wake him up, or being chaired in the head 27 times, or having someone calling himself "Bob Ryder" give his book a bad review for Amazon. None of that woke the guy up. One bell shot... that's all it took.
-He then reminded HHH of their last meeting two and a half years ago at Madison Square Garden where Cactus Jack FIRST appeared in the WWF. He even showed clips. I remember that night, quite the wild ride indeed.
-Naturally, there was no Chyna to be seen. She's been her own woman since day one people!! She's NEVER been with HHH. You just shut up and let History re-write itself!.
-Nobody bothered to point out that two and a half years ago, Hunter Hearst Helmsely was still doing penance for that "Farewell to the Clique" stunt too. So the only thing he was winning were those "Who Had The Most Masculine Girlfriend?" Contests.
-Jack continued to sell himself as an abnormal man who should have died a long time ago, and even though he ain't the maniac he USED to be, come Sunday Night, he's gonna be just a "little bit better". (uh oh, I smell one last insane bump that'll probably kill him... either that or he's gonna F-with EVERYONE, pull an old ECW trick out of his hat, and put HHH in a headlock for 45 minutes. Wouldn't THAT blow everyone's mind?)
-Jesus, Cactus Jack is a talkative sonafabitch ain't he?
-Jesus, does ANY Foley incarnation breath through his nose?
-He wrapped up his long seminar on how we should all dial up the cable company and spend $40 pigs on the PPV by demanding that HHH get out there so he can get one little pre-match piece of him. Give the New Haven fans a thrill... (not that the REAL CJ gave a flying frig about what the fans wanted. The REAL CJ said COOL stuff like, "Sting... when you look deep into the black pit of the abyss, searching for the identity of the Black Scorpion... YOU SEE YOURSELF!!" Well, okay, understand that he HAD to say crap like that because at that time, NOBODY knew who the Black Scorpion was supposed to be yet. The true identity hadn't been booked yet. Then whoever they had ready to hire bailed out on them, and they had to resort to using Ric Flair. And so went the lamest angle WCW EVER pulled on us... up until Eric "Bright Idea" Bischoff showed up.)
-Lawler guaranteed that HHH would NOT come out
-HHH came out two seconds later. Without missing a beat, Lawler did a complete about face and said "I knew the Game would show up." There was a time, long ago, when Heenan was that quick on his feet. Now, the Brain has resorted to kissing WCW's ass every two seconds and letting Tenay be the personality.
-HH and H waited a moment so the people could get a rousing chant of "A-Hole" going (I used the full word once or twice already, don't want to abuse the privilege).
-3H had a mic, and said that for the last 4 days, Cactus Jack was the ONLY thing on his mind... (Must have completely ruined his sex life)
-He pulled a little psychological warfare on CJ, claiming that he can ALSO reach deep down inside and pull out an evil that has dwelled deep within his being... an evil that can be more sadistic, more treacherous, more flagitious than Cactus Jack could ever DREAM of BECOMING!!!! (Dear God....HE'S GOING TO THROW CACTUS OVER THE GUARDRAIL!!!!!!!!!!!)
-HHH ALSO figured out that while Cactus Jack can be one mean son of a bitch, somewhere, deep inside, Mick Foley HATES Cactus Jack, Mick Foley FEARS Cactus Jack, Mick Foley DIES A LITTLE BIT INSIDE each time Cactus Jack does something bad. That will NOT be a problem with HHH, because he'll love every bit of his bad self. (okay, but how will Jean Paul LeVesque feel? I think I completely butchered that name.)
-So, HHH invited Mick Foley to bring Cactus Jack to the Rumble, and he'll bring whatever the Hell he's got, and this pissing match can get going.
-CJ congratulated HHH on his surge of bravado, but there is still the matter of a little pre-match challenge right there, right then.
-HHH said that he'd be happy to oblige. Screw it. It's either that or stare at Stephanie's fat ass all night.
-oh it's not fat...she's a LOVELY girl. Down to Earth, pretty, well groomed, completely stuck up, nose so high in the air that you'd like to chop off her head and put in a duffel bag and mail it to your ex-girlfriend with a note in her mouth saying, "You're next!". She's THAT kind of girl. Very sweet.
-HHH made his way to the ring, then stopped and invited a few more guests to the party.
-The rest of DX came out. JR was quick enough to point out that this was NO party for Cactus Jack.
-It was a four on one affair. Or "Quatro y Uno" for my boys in the Latin Kings out there.
-X-Pac spent much of the beatdown swinging at air. Must have learned that from Nash.
-The Rock ran out. I still maintain that there is no way in HELL the life story of a 28 year old should go beyond 100 pages.
-The Rock didn't make it into the ring because the Big Show ran out behind him, headbutted him, and sent him over the Guardrail. Oh, you'd do the same too. Every time the friggin' guy blinks the fans go nuts. He deserves a beating. Besides, ANYONE who goes on lamo radio shows should get a tuning.
-TBS took care of the Rock and ran in to help Jack.
-Then the Acolytes ran out. DX was chased away.
-CJ was left alone with HHH. He swatted him around a little. HHH bailed and Cactus Jack was left alone in the ring. Maivia stumbled about, Ross was going ballistic, Lawler begged us all to see "Man On the Moon" and we were shuttled off to some...
-commercials. "Scream 3" is coming. Here's hoping everyone associated with the first two movies is finally knocked off, just so we can't have a "Scream 4".
-Am I nuts or is there a fat girl in Neve Cambell just waiting to ooze out?
-footage of what just happened.
-Lawler called Cactus Jack, "weird, perverted, sick, and sadistic". Then he asked Ross if he wanted to play "Hide the Bologna".
-Could someone tell me the exact time when Lawler started looking like a Driver's Ed teacher?
-The Big Bossman came out. If you're like me, you're wondering just why the Hell he's still Hardcore champ? Quickly followed by the question, "Who's he blowing?"
-Test came out. Carrying that nose guard even though his honker looks perfectly okay. Now that I think of it, who is HE blowing too?
-Everything went orange, a big symbol popped on the TitanTron. A gravelly voice coughed out stuff about "surviving" and "the Path of Rage". Isn't Tazz like, 4 feet tall? It's gonna be a hoot when he walks out and Ms Kat is towering over him.
-Test and the BBM ignored this, I guess they figured since they'll be putting him over soon enough anyway, no sense in putting over his F-ing promo.
-Within seconds, this spilled out into the seats, and deep into the backstage.
-Test started to bleed from his nose... again. Is he doing blow?
-It ended up in the bathroom. Someone was in the last stall. Test peeked in, said Hello to "Pat and Taka", and proceeded to continue his fight (Draw NO conclusions... do you know how many "Taka's" there are in greater Connecticut? Well... I'm sure there are at LEAST a dozen!)
-BBM lowered a garage door on Test's neck. Test made an agonizing face, which was still smeared with all that red stuff. Kind of epitomizes married life, doesn't it?
-Actually, Test was technically pinned for a good 30 seconds there. Is there any way we can blame Arn Anderson for this too?
-The door is lifted, Test rebounds, BBM is dragged back towards the ring.
-Test eats a garbage can. Come to think of it, THAT epitomizes married life too!
-Prince Albert runs out, BBM hits him with the can.
-Albert attacks BBM, BBM fights back, Test hits both of them with the Nightstick. Then Test climbs to the top rope with the Nightstick, jumps off, and drives it deep into BBM. Test gets the pin and wins the Hardcore belt. I'd expect him to loose it REALLY quick if he don't start stepping in line and kowtowing to his Lordship Kevin Sullivan by God!!! Only the TRULY subservient will get a push in the Sullivan regime!!!!
-well, that was pointless... trust me, in my head it was gangbusters!
-backstage, DX was bickering over... over... what IS their problem anyway?
-It was decided that the New Age Outlaws would fight the Rock and the Big Show, while HHH and X-Pac would fight the Acolytes. X-Pac wasn't thrilled with this (Fighting Faarooq on MLK Day? Why don't they just walk through Little Italy with a sign that says "SINATRA TOOK IT UP THE ASS" on Columbus Day?), HHH and Stephanie told him to chill out.
-backstage, Terri Runnels was primping herself up. I'd put her at... oh, I'd say 35.
-Backstage, the Big Bossman promised some Interviewer that prince Albert was going to pay. Now THIS is a feud for Traylor that makes SENSE.
-The Godfather and D-Lo Brown came out with some "Ho's" New Haven apparently isn't exactly flush with hot babes. Two of those chicks would make a blind man wince. We're talking Triple baggers, people.
-The Edge and Christian came out. Ross waited a full 5 seconds before mentioning that the Edge is engaged to Val Venis's Sister. Now I'm thinking "work".
-The Edge mounted the second rope and wagged his tongue in and out. Lawler remarked that now he knew why Val Venis's Sister was engaged to him. Heenan, in his PRIME, would have NEVER said that. I doubt he would have even thought of it.
-Why is Christian the YOUNGER sibling when he looks older than Edge?
-Lawler, "Well, there is bigger fan of the Godfather's women then ME!! And I've got the bill to prove it!" Okay, I can see Heenan saying something like that.
-D-Lo throws Edge in the corner... HARD. Edge crashes in, grabs his back, and screams, "I can't MOVE!!" D-Lo's jaw drops and he says, "Aw shit! Not again!". Edge charges out and plants a dropkick in his mush. Edge screams, "SUCKAAA!!!" Ross and Lawler marvel at Edge's head games. I am thoroughly SICKENED by this!!!
-The match progressed, then one of the Girls climbed to the ring apron. Edge crashed into her. You had to laugh as the girl carefully climbed down the apron, landed on the floor, waited a beat, then collapsed in a heap. Okay, so she ain't a professional, but still.
-Edge went to check on the girl. Specifically checking her pelvis region for bumps, bruises, and perhaps scabs.
-Meanwhile, D-Lo gave Christian that move of his and scored the pin. The Godfather took the mic, announced that he was in a "chronically good mood" (jeeze, At what point did Vince say "Let's F-with the sponsors?"), and gave the two Nelson imitators the Ho's for the night. The girls seemed more into Edge, who wasn't into them at all. Christian was mad at being left alone in the ring. Throw Val Venis in the mix, and I see a Gimmick with all sorts of layers brewing.
-Michael Cole was in San Antonio, talking on his Cell Phone. If my lip reading skills are up to speed, then I saw him say, "I don't CARE who you are and what pipes needed cleaning, I WANT TO TALK TO MY WIFE!!!!!"
-Backstage, The Big Bossman fought Prince Albert and deliberately tossed him into Tori's dressing room. Tori freaked. Albert said "Damn, that's one hairy chest!" Whether he was referring to the Bim, or the mirror, I have no idea.
-Kurt Angle came to the ring all smiles. One sign read, "CURT ANGLE IS A COMMIE", another sign read, "KURT ANGLE IS MY HERO!!". Good Lord, Joe McCarthy was RIGHT!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!
-Backstage, HHH and Stephanie were as close to snuggling as they probably will ever get. Then Tori barged in and did a pretty good job acting like she was on the verge of a breakdown, "Albert... Kane... chest... nipples... hairy... about... togo... lesbo!" Stephanie promised her a match later on.
-Back to the ring, Angle said that he had a "Mystery Opponent", but he was still going to win because of that third eye he has somewhere on him. (ooo, does it spit?)
-Is it... The UNDERTAKER???
-Is it... KEN SHAMROCK???
-Is it... THE UNPRED... ahh, no.
-It's Steve Blackman. Yippie skippy.
-The fans chanted that Kurt Angle "sucks". Lawler insisted that he didn't. Now we know why he wasn't elected Mayor.
-This thing barely got going when the British Bulldog ran out and caned Blackman right across the back. Angle secured the pin. Davey Boy Smith looks to have dropped a smidge of that fat he had cooking. He looks more ripped than ever.
-What is it about Angle anyway? What's this gimmick all about?
-Backstage, Stephanie gloated about Angle's undefeated streak. HHH loudly wondered if they were reading off last week's cue cards.
-Somewhere else backstage, The Big Show told some dude with a microphone that he is close to celebrating his one year anniversary in the WWF. Then he broke down and cried. Poor, heatless, bastard.
-Oh... and the Rock is a dick too.
-Backstage somewhere else, Ms. Kat was rubbing her leg. I'm sure Lawler was rubbing something too.
-Terri Runnels entered the ring with a tittie load filled with other girls. Lawler was there too. He announced that there will be a special "Miss Royal Rumble Swimsuit Competition". Lawler's voice was breaking. Lawler really should give it a rest. I mean, come ON.
-He showed off a picture of Dakota's MOTHER in a bikini and asked MOM what she planned to do. She said that she would probably do the "Less is more" thing.
-Lawler talked to the Kat, who pretty much suggested that she'd be doing the nekkid thing. Lawler's crown exploded.
-B.B. piped in and said that "bigger is better". NO!!! IT'S NOT THE SIZE!!! IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT!!!! Well, it's what my Mom kept telling me.
-Then Ivory jumped in and called Lawler a "pervert"... about frickin' time too.
-Ivory tore the mic away, called EVERYONE a pervert, and refused to be a part of this smut fest.
-Jacqueline and Luna (and let's face it, none of those three had any chance of winning anyway) jumped in and said that if they had to go through this, so didn't she.
-Next thing you know, it was a dog pile on Ivory. Terri just put her foot on top. She ain't no fun. Bet'cha she's a cold fish too.
-The Ref's ran in to break it up.
-Then, Mae Young appeared on the ramp and watched this mess. You know the funny part? This girl has exactly TWICE as many real hips as Roddy Piper! Chew on that for a while as you contemplate life.
-As soon as the ring cleared, Young rolled in and grabbed the mic out of Lawler's hand. She said that it was time that her fans got their "money's worth". Then she declared that it was time to show off her PUPPIES!!
-Naturally, Jim Ross referenced God in that non-blasphemous style of his. Is he Baptist or Catholic?
-Young's jacket came off, she didn't reveal all that much. I'd say screw it and go for the whole she-bang. Nitro isn't on anymore, where would the audience be clicking?
-Lawler said, "Those aren't puppies, those are Basset Hounds!" You just KNOW he worked on that line all week.
-Mark Henry, Harvey Whippleman, and Moolah ran out to stop this. I have actually seen Porn movies that were worse.
-Oh Hell, I've seen Girl on Horse, Girl on German Shepherd, German Shepherd on Horse. You name it, I've seen it.
-Backstage, the Acolytes were walking.
-Backstage, HHH and X-Pac were doing the same thing the Acolytes were doing. Except they had a chick with them.
-Degeneration X came out. Lawler said that he thought he was about to see the most dreaded tag team in the world a few minutes ago... that being Mae Young's PUPPIES!!
-Why did I sell that? It wasn't my joke.
-HHH and X-Pac hit the ring.
-The Acolytes ran out. They jumped right into it.
-Stephanie joined the Announcers. To say that she added nothing would be going easy!
-Well, at least she didn't start screaming, "YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH" like her nitwit Brother.
-X-Pac sent a few Crotch Chops at Faarooq. Faarooq clotheslined him out of his boots. I'm telling you, this is NOT THE DAY to be messing with Brother Faarooq!
-But, then again, didn't King preach pacifism? Faarooq should just lay down and take it... shouldn't he?
-Stuffy insisted that they had a plan for the Acolytes.
-Apparently, the plan included X-Pac being tossed around like a Prison Bitch.
-Then the New Age Outlaws ran out and caused the DQ. Stephanie screamed, "I TOLD YOU THERE WAS A PLAN!!! I TOLD YOU!!!"
-Not much of a plan really... more like a cop out... more like a screwjob. COME ON, THEY CAN'T ALL BE WINNERS, CAN THEY??
-Vince had better haul ass out back on camera. This is getting monotonous.
-DX walked away in triumph. Hey, there's Bill Apter! You would have thought that he'd be covering WCW's turmoil.
-Oh... crap... I forgot. This is ScoopThis. Can I mention Bill Apter's name? Or is it Stinky Worm Apter?
-In San Antonio, Texas, Michael Cole announced that Steve Austin's neck surgery was a rousing success!!! I thought Samuda reported that Austin was as good as dead after dumping the Doctor who was an expert at this sort of thing?
-In a pre-taped Press Conference, Dr. Lloyd Youngblood said that Austin's operation could not have gone any better. Then he said that Austin should be good to go anywhere between 3 months to a year. Then he performed a raindance. It rained in the Hospital. All the cameras shorted out. The press conference ended.
-The Rock was backstage watching himself on TV... and SMILING.
-Ross announced that pieces of Austin's bone spurs will be dropped in selected bottles of his new BBQ sauce. Some lucky folks will be able to have a little piece of Austin in THEIR ARTERIES!!!
-footage of the last thing with those guys.
-Backstage, HHH said that while he was happy that Austin was A-OK, but the second he steps back into the WWF thick of things, he's gonna get crippled. (What an unbelievably schizo thing to say!)
-Road Dog trashed up the Rock and the Big Goof.
-Kevin Kelly talked to the Rock. Well, the Rock talked and Kelly just stared at him, praying that he wouldn't be humiliated in front of millions.
-He wasn't. Instead, the Rock registered his happiness for Austin's recovery, and said that he can't wait for the day Austin shows up back in the WWF...(*COUGHbullshitCOUGHCOUGH*).
-Or..maybe he does. There is no rule that says both guys can't be cheered equally? F-it. Both guys alone are hotter than the top 5 guys in WCW combined. Let them share the wealth!
-Of course, Austin should come back fully hEEled. Make him an all out bad guy. Screw with our minds a little.
-Kelly asked the Rock if he wanted to retract his previous statement about the Big Show being a "Jabronie". The Rock glared at him. Pondered the question. Then decided that yes, he DID want to retract his statement. The Big Show is NOT a "Jabronie". The Big Show is a "7 foot, 500 pound, steaming, stinking, steaming, stinking pile of grade A Monkey Crap!"
-Then the Rock reversed his decision and said that TBS still is a Jabronie. He spelled it "J-A-B-R-O-N-I-X-Y-Z-N-B-C"... then decided that it doesn't matter how you spelled the word! (and you WONDER why Sickboy's crew makes fun of him?)
-The Rock promised to win the Royal Rumble, as well as the title at Wrestlemania... few would argue, which is why the RR and WM will sort of suck in that regard... it's clear that the Rock is set to win it. Where's the surprise?
-Then the Rock pantomimed the Big Show's habit of lifting up his hand and bellowing.
-He called him a "jabronie"
-He shoved Kevin Kelly out of the way.
-He invited NOBODY to shove NOTHING up their candy ass. Wouldn't seem right on MLK day... now would it?
-The Hardy Boys came out. Well, one of them was actually working.
-The Dudley Boys came out. Repeat the second sentence from above.
-Ross plugged some House shows. Including a show in Indiana at the "Canseco Field House" Why the F**K is Jose Canseco getting field houses named after him???
-It was Buh Buh Ray against either Matt or Jeff.
-Buh Buh was really working over the kid, and of course, he was taking amazing looking bumps. The boy hits the mat, then bounces a couple of times for effect. When was the last time Hogan bounced anything?
-D-Von grabbed Terri from behind. The Hardy who wasn't working attacked before D-Von's hands could travel North.
-D-Von was sent into the steps.
-Meanwhile, Buh Buh found himself Senton Bombed and pinned by the little brat.
-They saved a little face by powerbombing one Hardy from the top rope onto another Hardy who was lying on a table. This caused a chant of "ECW, ECW". I swear I thought they were going to set it all on fire. I'm sure they'll get to that eventually.
-Then Buh Buh walked away with a eerily blank look on his face. I say he looked like Tom Green's older, fatter Brother.
-Backstage, Hardcore Holly was whining to his Cousin as to why Chris Jericho would risk the IC title against Rikishi tonight?
-Backstage part 2: Chyna and the Kat were wondering the same thing.
-At Heat last night, Rikishi wasted the Posse. It's anyone's guess as to why this applied to Jericho
-Rikishi came out with Brian Christopher and Whatshisface.
-Y2J ticker came on.
-dim the lights.
-oh you know the rest.
-He made his way down to the ring. He called both Chyna and Hardcore a pair of idiots for wondering why he would defend the title against this Yokozuna take off (hmm... maybe THIS is who Al meant?).
-He is defending the title against the big guy because that's what true champions DO. DUUH. (He DOES have a point, y'know)
-He called the former Sultan, "Rockaseechi Phatu". The announced that he was a "Dancing machinnn-a", and he would be happy to show him a few of his dance steps, such as the "Great Caesar's Ghost", or the "Electric Banana". But for now, he was going to have to destroy him "Ayatollah style".
-Jericho went on the early offensive, stunning the cheesy ass with a top rope drop kick. Then he got cocky and went for the Cross Body Block. Tuphat caught him and barely nudged him into the steel pole.
-Back in the ring, Jericho ate a leg drop. The Ref ate a Jericho flying forearm, oh... I'd say about 15 seconds later.
-The Holly's ran out. Rikishi had some fun with them.
-He was about to slam Jericho, but Chyna ran out and crotched him.
-Chyna and Jericho bickered. Rikishi double clotheslined them. Then he dragged Chyna to the corner. If one of Chyna's boobies found it's way up a certain... orifice... would that be considered a Homoerotic experience?
-Doesn't matter, nothing happened. The Holly's got back into it, the ref ended this mess and Jericho walked away with the title.
-Then Rikishi danced with Too Cool. I'd rather watch 3 Count.
-footage of the Big Bossman, Albert thing where Albert found his way into Tori's dressing room.
-WILL THIS SHOW EVER END???? JESUS F-ING CRAP!!!!!
-Cactus Jack tried to chill out TBS. TBS told him to go F-himself.
-Kane came out with Tori.
-Prince Albert came out.
-Not even worth mentioning.
-Except that Albert got on the stick afterwards and said something about both he and Kane enjoying being dominated by a Woman.
-Cactus Jack tried to chill out the Rock. The Rock told him to go F-himself. Well, at least they got that in common!
-Last week at Smackdown, the Big Show chokeslammed the Rock. This moment was brought to us by an Accountant. I kid you not.
-The New Age Outlaws came out and did their thing.
-The Big Show came out. Why was he breathing out of his mouth?
-The Rock ran out and attacked the Big Show. The NAO's just stood there and enjoyed it.
-TBS found his way outside. He stayed out there. It was basically a Handicapped match now.
-HHH, Stephanie, and X-Pac came out to watch.
-It basically stayed a handicapped match. Which is cool since I don't need to describe the action. It's all the same, it never changes. Every time the Rock volleyed, the other guy would stop it.
-TBS heard a lot of "Big Show SUCKS" chants. He told them to shut up and called them a pack of "Jabronies" (HEY!! HEY!!!!!)
-Then, probably because time was running out, TBS yanked the Rock out of the ring, swatted him across the head, and went in there to finish the two guys off.
-Except the Rock got up, hit TBS with a chair, and allowed Gunn to pin him.
-DX won, DX celebrated, Maivia gave TBS the People's Elbow, Ross's voice went, the show ended.
I guess it was all right. I wasn't all that impressed. I guess I just miss Vince. This Stephanie/HHH thing is getting repetitive. Maybe I'm just exhausted? Not sure.
Not the most ideal way I wanted to kick off my debut with ScoopThis, but what the Hell. It can only get better.
Now onto the Nitro recap. If you wish.
Editor's Note (for this edition only): Chris Hyatte is a controversial recapper of Monday night pro-wrestling shows WWF Raw (USA) and WCW Nitro (TNT) who just recently made the jump to ScoopThis.com from Playboy & IGN affiliate ScoopsWrestling.com. Chris' views and opinions are his own and do not reflect those of ScoopThis.com management. If you have comments about his work, you can share them with us on our mailboard, or by emailing managing editor Trey Conway.
Review of January 17's edition of WCW Nitro (TNT)
by Chris Hyatte
To go straight to show recap, click here.
Seeing how the Closer is all about that little site known as SCOOPS... how's about a little WRESTLING talk? Why not? I mean... when it comes to straight up wrestling discussion, the first thing that pops in EVERYONE'S mind is ScoopThis. Right?
From all reports, Vince Russo was given the old heave ho OUT of the Creative Lead Chair at WCW... under 5 months into his "reign". Then you got Kevin Sullivan moving gracefully into said Creative Lead Chair in what is being called a MAJOR behind the scenes siege on the Russo that began from the moment he arrived. Then, a group of young wrestlers (although no rational person on this PLANET would use the words "young", "Douglas" and "Shane" in the same sentence. Sneaking the words "Malenko" and "Dean" in there is iffy too) went to Paul Busch and demanded a contractual release. Everything's still up in the air as to what's going to happen, right? Am I caught up enough?
Good... now, as I see it, here are some indisputable facts.
FACT: Russo was butthumped..., ..., ..., ROYALLY
FACT: Russo is F-ed six ways to Sunday. He's a punk if he stays. And he's for DAMN SURE a punk if he goes back to Stamford.
FACT: NOBODY in WCW is clued into the simple fact that the WWF has got to start SUCKING before the ratings can improve. Douchebags...THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT!!!!!!!! Jesus, the greatest Nitro EVER couldn't beat 15 minutes of Maivia twitching his eyebrow.
FACT: Flair is CLOSE buds with Kevin S and Mike Graham, so he's probably ready to come back now.
FACT: Eric Bischoff is right now, lighting a stogie, kicking back in his seat, and laughing his scrawny ass off.
FACT: Vince McMahon is probably doing the same thing, although there is nothing scrawny about his well squatted ass.
FACT: I gave up a paycheck, and thousands of readers, just so I can say "ass" again... ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS
CONCLUSION: I don't know who made the dumber move, Paul Busch or me.
But at least I can say "piss", "bastard", "pussy", "bitch", and the occasional "shit" now.
No "F" word though... still can't say that. Don't want to, really. "F-This" or "F-That" suits me just fine.
NITRO: (or: It's the Politics... stupid!)
-opens with the end of "E.R."... oooh, it's that "Very Special Episode" where Doctor Ross promises to extract that furry rodent out of Joel Schumacher's rectal cavity in exchange for the lead role in "Batman & Robin". (This is how deals get MADE in Tinsel Town, people. If I told you how Tom Cruise got "Risky Business", you would NEVER look at Bacon Grease the same way again!)
-"Nuuugh... of course George, you'd make a FAWBULOUS Caped Crusader! Now, get this wretched thing OUT! Oh... wait... DON'T take it out... STOP... it's starting to nibble...ooo... ooo... oh my cup runneth ovar...oh dear....ooo...!"
-Next week on E.R. Carter must deal with an attempted suicide from a former Internet King who thought he could swim away from the coziness of his former site. Guest starring Jerry Mathers.
-end credits roll. If you can name the P.A to the A.D. in the S.U. in this offering from 1997, ScoopThis will make you the "King of the Mailboard" for a week.
-"King of the Mailboard"?... err... I think... I may have made a mistake here... a very BIG mistake.
-WCW symbol: Stare into it deeply, and you too will never want to leave the company. Paul Busch keeps a miniature symbol tied around his neck at all times now.
-a long stretch Limousine pulls up in front of the camera. License plate reads, "NASH N L". I hear he was given a choice, those groovy plates OR full Social Security. Nash opted for the plates. THOSE DAMN SUITS WOULDN'T LET ME HAVE BOTH MAN, THOSE DAMN SUITS!!! AND THE CATERING AT ALL THE TELEVISED SHOWS IS ATROCIOUS!!!!! F-THIS BUSINESS!!!!!!!!
-In a hushed tone, Tony Schiavone welcomes us to the "one and only Nitro". The only Nitro? FOR THE WHOLE YEAR???? Whoa, they really are in deep poopola!
-Kevin Nash comes out of the Limo in a blazer, trousers, and a shirt. Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner are with him. Jarrett holds out his hand to Nash as they walked. Obviously, he's looking for a shake. Nash ignores him. Russo's body isn't even cold and Jarrett's already dissed. The Chosen One my ass, from now on, the only thing he's choosing is which Luchador he's got to job to.
-opening theme. NO Nitro Girls anymore. In order to save money. Busch will now just have Rikki Rachtman do the Moonwalk during spots.
-Anyone miss those girls? Anyone even notice that they were gone?
-Other than that Logo, is there ANY hint of Bischoff's influence there anymore?
-Fireworks go off. Tony Schiavone welcomes us to the "Buckeye State" (ahh, I used to LOVE it when Buckeye would get all loaded up on Moonshine at the 4077, then pull some wacky prank on that tight ass Frank Burns. Then Charles Winchester replaced Burns, BJ grew a Mustache, and the show went straight down the Latrine from there).
-Then Tony said that they were playing to the college crowd at Ohio State University. Right here is where I would make a flippant, insensitive remark about slipping some young, fertile, blossoming Co-ed some Ecstasy, and going to town, but you see... that would be WRONG... I've learned my lesson about such callous remarks. I have grown into a more respectful fellow... mindful of other people's feelings! No MORE will I so callously trample over other people's emotions, Hell bent on destroying and belittling them to the point of a nervous breakdown. Welcome to the NEW Mop-Up! Welcome to the NEW CHRIS HYATTE!!!
- Now excuse me..I have to go rape my dog
-If that last line seems familiar, it's because I used every word of it in a previous column at Scoops. Except they edited out the "rape my dog" part. Apparently, and without my knowledge, my Dog hired a lawyer and threatened Scoops with a MAJOR class action suit.
-Well, okay, then YOU explain why it was cut!!
-And before you rifle in with the line, "Because it wasn't FUNNY, dickface!!!!", don't bother... I saw it coming a mile away. AND DON'T CALL ME A DICKFACE, DICKFACE!!!
-Tony was VERY proud to announce that they would forgo ANY ring entrances and IMMEDIATELY proceed to a 10-12 minute wrestling EXHIBITION... a CLINIC of LIGHTENING moves, DAZZLING sequences, SUPER HUMAN High Flying risks, and FANTASTICAL SPEEDS THAT WILL ROCKET WCW MONDAY NITRO TO THE HEIGHTS OF RATINGS DOMINACE THE LIKES OF WHICH HASN'T BEEN SEEN SINCE THE TIME WHEN SEAN WALTMAN WAS STILL CALLING HIMSELF "SIX"!!!! NITRO IS BACK BABY!!!! WHOOOOO WELCOME TO THE NEW ERA!!!
-The only problem with this new Era, it totally eclipses my defection from Scoops. WCW F-ed me right up the old lunch pail. I blame Madden.
-Well, WCW finally overtakes ScoopThis in terms of new Eras. Damn.
-It's Billy Kidman Vs Psychosis. Tony promises to touch upon "every single issue pertaining to everything related to WCW". (ooo, maybe NOW we'll get an explanation as to why "WCW Live" is considered their "ear to the Internet" when only ten people listen to it?) Somehow, I doubt the names "Vince Russo" and "Kevin Sullivan", as well as the words, "Mass Exodus" will come up.
-Quickly into the match, Kidman launched himself in a top rope cross body block at Psychosis. Psychosis did what any moron would do, he jumped up to block it with his own body.
-Heenan's mic wasn't working. Tenay and Tony had some fun with it. As the show continues on, Tenay will give undeniable evidence why HE and not the marvelous Tony, should have been assaulted with (FIRM, YET POLITE) e-mails.
-Psychosis leapt over the top rope and onto Kidman, who was standing on the outside. How Kidman's neck didn't snap right off is beyond me. It took all 110 pounds of that little ese.
-Tony promised that "in just a few moments, we will talk about what happened last night!!" On paper, it looks like the most ridiculous statement ever uttered in the History of spoken language. It really does! Doesn't it? Yes it DOES!!! Oh F-You.
-Psychosis does a top rope spinning leg thrust that Owen Hart used to do all the time. Then he celebrated for 10 minutes. I'm waiting for one of these clowns to start doing the "Icky Shuffle" after a particularly thrilling move.
-Someone holds up a sign advertising another web site. I wonder if they're hiring?
-Tony, sounding like Walter Winchell, "Andnowladiesandgentlemenwewelcomeyoutothebroadcastlocation... BobbytheBrainHeenan".
-Heenan joined up and announced that last night's "Souled Out" was the greatest piece of 'rasslin' excitement he's seen since Gotch faced Hackenschmidt in Chi-Town. (it's called "Wrestling History"... pick up a PWI Almanac and LEARN about LIFE BEFORE AUSTIN... YOU DAMN PUNKS!!!!!!!)
-Gotch and Hackenschmidt... that would put Heenan deep into his 70's.
-The announcers make it loud and clear that Kidman's efforts at the PPV have earned him to right to be considered a legitimate SUPERSTAR!!! Excuse me, but fighting the Wall does NOT a Superstar make. Getting drunk and smashing INTO a wall, thus breaking your nose and messing up your collarbone so you can't write your column for two weeks does. Which means that I am a Superstar!!!
-somehow, I doubt ANYONE got that reference. And I'm quite sure that a certain souless Canadian is reading this and thinking, "Err, maybe Triplett will reconsider?"
-Tony alludes to the fact that the time to talk about the PPV is later, NOW is the time to talk about the match... I will take FULL credit for that!!
-Kidman deflects a Psychosis top rope Missile kick with a dropkick of his own, he follows up with a slingshot Bulldog. Then he cured AIDS.
-Kidman Dragon Suplexes 'Cosis. Heenan said, "That'll change your attitude." Nice little homage to Gorilla Monsoon.
-'Cosis with a DDT. Remember when that move would finish a match?
-'Cosis drops an "Alabama Jam" on Kidman's face.
-'Cosis with a Powerbomb attempt, Kidman uses his momentum and turns it into a "X-factor". Tenay called it a "Face Jam". "Space Jam" is a Warner Brothers' movie starring Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny... still available on video. Warner Brothers is a part of Time/Warner. Time/Warner owns WCW. Simple coincidence or subliminal message? I cannot say, I am not here to judge.
-Kidman walks out holding his shoulder. I would rewind to see where he hurt it, but I was too busy fishing around my movie tapes looking for "Space Jam"... suddenly, I want... no, I NEED to watch that movie.
-BWAHAHAHAHAAA... oh that Porky Pig... what a stuttering sweinhund!!!
-GIVE THE BALL TO MICHAEL!!!! I BELIEVE HE CAN FLY!!!! I BELIEVE HE CAN TOUCH THE SKY!!!!!!!! I BELIEVE HIS POPS WAS KILLED DUE TO HIS GAMBLING DEBTS!!! I BELIEVE, OH YES, I BELIEVE!!!!
-back to the action!! Schiavone and company do their best to assure us that WCW is still a Ship WITH it's Captain!!!! Everything is hunky dory here in WCW!! Oh, so what if Goldberg's out. Who cares if Sting's out. Bret? F-him! Hogan's in a snit? Flair wants out? Savage's contract has expired? Nobody likes the new head writer? It don't matter!! THIS IS WCW!!!! WE WRESTLE!!!!!
-We are reminded that Chris Benoit won the strap on Sunday. We are also told that Benoit ain't the champ today. Why, you ask? Well, let's put all the blame on the shell of a once great man known as Arn Anderson!!
-pre-taped segment where Arn says that even though he saw Benoit's leg under the bottom rope as Sid had him pinned, he conveniently did NOT see Sid's foot under the rope when Benoit had HIM pinned. Then he reminded us that Sid once pretended that he was Papa Shango on Crystal Meth and used Arn as a damn Voodoo Doll. So maybe he just didn't WANT to see Sid's foot under the ropes?
-Arn said that he owed it to "every fan who bought a ticket, and every fan who ordered the PPV to do a clean Ref job". (well, when you knock out free giveaways and those fortunate souls with Cheater Boxes ((*COUGHrichinKCHACK*))... that's a whopping 375 people!!)
-So, Arn explained that he could NOT see Sid's foot under the ropes while Benoit had him in a CRIPPLER CROSSFACE, because he was "too busy" checking to see if Sid's SHOULDER WAS UP!! because Arn knows ONLY TOO WELL that sometimes the Ref does not SEE the shoulder UP when making a three count. (Umm... Helloo? Crossface... Body is STOMACH down... NO PIN ATTEMPT... NO NEED TO CHECK THE SHOULDERS!!! ARN IS LYYYYYYYYYYYYINNNNNNG!!!!)
-BOY!! I'd be REALLY, REALLY MAD... if this wasn't a completely fake sport.
-Arn took the full blame. Someone clue this boy in that this is NOT the WCW he grew up with. Someone tell him that McMahon has a comfy Office job waiting for him. Tell him to bring Flair too. WHOOOOOOOO.
-Arn, "If everybody could be a Referee, everybody would!" (I'd rather be a Porn actor myself. Or maybe a Rock singer. Hell, I'd be an Funeral Home Director. Anything that would get me laid).
-Arn looked nervous on air, he kept glancing to his left... as if someone was just out of camera range with a pair of scissors, pointing at Arn and making frequent jabbing motions!
-Tony applauded Arn's honor. Then reassured us that WCW has NO World champion. No US champion. A parody of a Cruiserweight champion. A Nitwit for a Hardcore Champion. A joke for tag champs. Do they even HAVE a Women's champ? And what happened to the TV belt anyway? MY GOD!!! THE WESTERN STATES HERITAGE TITLE HAS BEEN SITTING IN LARRY ZBYSZCO'S OLD GOLF BAG IN HIS WIFE'S ATTIC FOR 15 YEARS NOW!!!!!! TIME TO BRING THAT SUCKER BACK, BABY!!!!!!
-Tenay promised that this would be "one of the most controversial Monday Nitros EVER!!!!!!!!!!" Now I'm CONVINCED they stuck Tenay in there just so he could say the stupid stuff and I would leave Tony alone!!!
-Tony is a good guy... REALLY. He has given me some JUICY stuff in his e-mails. None of which I can even discuss.
-When I asked him who was the biggest a-hole he ever met... you wouldn't BELIEVE whom he said!!
-I'll give you a hint... NOBODY in WCW (especially the online folks) cares for him (OR her) very much.
-We see still shots of the controversial match from Sunday. We are shown the FOCUS of all this controversy from many different angles. Jeeze, try as I might, I can't quite see the moment when Benoit bit Sid's ear.
-Tony promises that Kevin Nash's first official state of the union address (I refuse to capitalize something so ridiculous) will be coming up at the top of the hour. What the Hell, they've got to do SOMETHING.
-backstage, Nash is casually strolling down the Hall. The Harris Boys meet him at his dressing room in full suits. Nash complements their attire and it's established that they now work as his Bodyguards. Their continued existence is only SLIGHTLY more plausible than Vincent's simply because there are two of them. And I heard they score good blow.
-Backstage, "Mean" Gene Okerlund chats it up with Booker T and Midnight. Am I crazy or does the Sister look like Grace Jones with her nose shortened?
-Booker T assures us that he is STILL a Boyee in da' Hood. It's just that he doesn't "get down wearing his crown"... or something like that. Man, Ebonics STILL baffles me.
-KIDDING!! I'm kidding. Booker T is obviously an educated, well spoken man and a proud role model for his Community. (No sense in getting my new site in trouble THIS early into the game.)
-Booker on Ahmed T. "This fool, I thought he was still locked up??" Sorry, the girl turned out to be 21. Totally legal.
-Last night at Souled Out. Harlem Heat had a match that thrilled the soul, yet broke the heart.
-The NEW Harlem Heat came out. Ahmed's BACK, BABY!!!!!!! Just don't have him job to some seven foot white boy who likes to claw people and drag them headfirst backstage and he'll be FINE.
-Of course, next week he'll get injured for 9 months.
-Ahmed Johnson is now called "Big T". I pity da' fool who has to script him..
-"Big T" has been eating... WELL.
-Stevie Ray got on the stic and introduced them as the "New" Harlem Heat. Allow me to beat EVERY LAMO to the punch and officially re-christen them "Harlem Eat" (which is a horribly weak joke, I realize, but in case you didn't notice, 99% of my lines fall under the category of "horribly weak")
-Stevie said that was willing to give his little brother "another chance", then he called the fans a bunch of "crackerjack Fruit Booties". "Fruit Booties" was edited. I happen to think "Fruit Booty" is one of the most creative, funniest ranks I have ever heard. Go ahead, call someone at school a "Fruit Booty", start the trend.
-"Crackerjack"... now THAT'S offensive.
-Stevie called out Booker T. "Booker T, get your sad sack, Fruit Booty out here, because yo' big brother is talking to ya!"
- "Fruit Booty"... BWAHAHAHAAA... COME ON!!! IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN "SLAPNUTS".
-Booger T came out with his Girly Girl. Stevie had to wait until those pyros went off before telling Booker to send that "Big rat dog" out to the back and do this mano y mano (little Hispanic flava for mi amigos out there!! I'm talking to you Tom Cruz!!)
-Booker hit the ring alone. Heenan tried to get Tony to repeat what Stevie called the girl. Tony said he would, but he forget to leave his wallet at his hotel room and still had it on him. (Hey!! What is THAT supposed to mean???)
-Stevie to Booker, "I can see you've been shopping at the same place Mike Tenay shops!" (HAW!! Since when did Stevie get all good on the stic all of the sudden?)
-Booker hit the ring. Stevie tried to make peace by offering to hop on his Ten Speed and go get him some candy. Booker attacked Big T in response. The pseudo match began.
-It turned into a handicapped match. I became obsessed with those two tennis balls that Ahmed apparently had inserted on the outer side of his biceps. Did he ALWAYS have those?
-Big T performed his famous "Pearl River Plunge", which now became a "Tiger Bomb". Of course, there is NO Pearl River in Harlem, but there are PLENTY of Tigers... I guess... I've never been to Harlem. Think I'm stupid? Are you high? Haven't you seen "Die Hard with a Vengeance"?
-It became Booker Vs Big T. Stevie Ray interfered. Big T hit the dude with a slapjack. Booker went down. Big T caught the pin. The fact that this was done on MARTIN LUTHOR KING'S BIRTHDAY was ignored by the Announcers. Someone should alert Spike Lee. Or at least Jasmine Guy.
-Stevie trash talked Booker T on the mic some more. Then the new Harlem Eat had a staredown with Midnight down the aisle. Not much came of it.
-Tony told us that RAW (err..the Nashstateoftheunionaddress) was mere moments away.
-backstage, Disco Inferno continued to reek of potential as Vito and Big Anthony continued to reek of Italian Stereotypes. I heard one of them tell DINF to wrap this up early so they can go see Francis Albert Junior play the Sands... THESE ARE NOT ITALIANS!!!!!!
-Tony says that America Online is sponsoring this show. I haven't been on that thing in AGES... are the chat rooms still annoying as Hell?
-Disco Inferno came out with his goombas. Tenay said that on THUNDER, they will announce how this WCW Title situation will be handled. (Why don't they just hold it until February 14, then hand it over to Hogan? He's gonna get the F-ing thing again anyway). DINF tried to dance but was stopped by Ant'nee.
-Vampiro came out to a WILD pop... WHAAA? SINCE WHEN???
-Vampiro came out to some fireworks... WHAAA? SINCE WHEN???
-Tony literally begs us to go see Thunder on Wednesday night. Could the inevitable have happened and they have yet to sell a single ticket?
-Vampiro starts playing up to the crowd. Was I in a coma for 6 months and missed something?
-AND WHERE IS MASTER P???
-Vampiro gave DINF a modified "Rock Bottom". Tony called it a "tremendous chokeslam... err...maneuver." Then he called Heenan a "Jablomee".
-DINF laid in some moves. Then climbed to the top rope and shook his booty. I swear I saw Vampiro's lips say, "Oh come ON already, Gringo!"
-If you listen to Heenan for more than 5 minutes, you'll end up thinking that WCW is beyond perfect in EVERY way, shape, and form.
-If you listen to Heenan for more than 5 minutes, you'll want to punch him in the face and scream, "WHAT THE F&^% HAPPENED TO YOU??????"
-Vampiro sent DINF outside, Vito and Ant'nee sent him back inside. Vamp hit his finisher and won the thing. The fact that this total insult to Italians everywhere was done on THE DAY AFTER "THE SOPRANOS" RETURNED was ignored by the Announcers. Someone should alert Tony Danza. Or at least Marisa Tomei.
-Vampiro slapped hands with the crowd. This boy might just keep WCW afloat.
-In the NWO Dressing room. Steiner brings out some ladies for Nash to bang later. I'd like to fist the red head myself.
-Some of them have GOT to be Porn stars... there is no other reason for them to have such killer bods. Not in Ohio.
-In the ring, Evan Karagias tells us that him, Shane, and Shannon (snort...snort....heh heh haw) says that they will put on a special concert for the Bobby Soxers out there. because EVERYONE goes down for the "3 Count".
-They start to dance. Tenay declares this "lame". Tony accuses him of being into pop music, saying that he's into The Backstreet Boys, 'N Synch, Britney Spears...
-Tenay insisted that he likes NONE of that crap... and he is NOT getting old!! He's into ALTERNATIVE MUSIC!! NEW WAVE MUSIC!! (yeah... RIGHT!!! NAME ONE!!!)
-Douchebag... Alternative is NOT New Wave.
-You really see Tenay sparking doobage at a Pearl Jam concert, garbed in flannel and hitting on some zonked Goth chick with her nose pierced? Well, come to think of it... yeah. Tenay would be totally zoom zoomin' the fish in Flannel 5 years after it goes out of style.
-And yes, I know, your typical Pearl Jam concert isn't exactly brimming with Goth chicks.
-Then Tenay, to prove how hip he is, asked when the new Nirvana CD was coming out.
-So... Evan, Shane, and Shannon (titter... titter... hee hee hee) did there thing. You think that if Shane and Shannon were to meld into one person, they would have a HUGE tongue?
-Oh... you know, I should stop. It's weak already. Let it go. Next time I venture into these waters, I'll stop myself by hitting my head with a clothes hanger until I get dizzy.
-Meanwhile, David Flair came out with Crow Bar and "Daffney". Against all odds, Young David has gotten "over". For this, Russo should be Knighted.
-This is for the tag belts. Which was kicked off by a nice double drop kick by the combo of Shane and Shannon.
-Then Shane and Shannon took turns leaping out of the ring and giving no hands Planchas to both tag champs out of the ring. They were two incredible moves... looks like these guys are being groomed to become WCW's version of the Hardies. Suddenly, it seems kind of FLATTERING to have these guys named after someone. I mean, they are AWFULLY talented. They are handsome boys, well built. Nice moves. I'd LOVE to have two guys of such talent be named "Chris" and "Hyatte"... so what's the problem?
-I mean, who cares if they're fagolas?
-The match barely started when Standards and Practices came out with Ms. Handcock (see, at Scoops she would be called "Handxxxxx". So, you see... I HAD to leave)
-Whose been training David? And would he accept a Blowjob of Gratitude from me?
-Evan started chasing Daffney around. Daffney started hissing at him. Same thing happened to me last week, took me hours to find the puncture hole.
-Flair ended up Tire Ironing Evan. Tenay bitched at Tony for not knowing which was Standards and which was the other one. Is anyone else thinking, "forced chemistry"?
-Tony asked Tenay if he had a shot of Testosterone before starting work tonight. Lots and lots of ways to go here. Feel free to insert one of your own.
-Heenan claimed that Tenay had "two glasses of chocolate milk today". He neglected to mention which member of Harlem Heat the "milk" came from.
-The tag champs one after Crowbar gave that Reverse DDT on either Shannon or Shane. Then Daffney frenched David. Jesus, I haven't seen this much tongue since my last Boy Scout meeting.
-3 Count decided to continue with their concert. Tenay demanded that someone pull the plug. I am learning to hate Mike Tenay.
-Backstage, Kevin Nash was getting fluffed up by a rather fugly blonde and the red head that has already become my newest sheet stainer. The cameras bailed before Big Sexy could make a reference to his genitalia.
-Still with the NWO. Nash said that it was high time to lose the "Old Age Outlaws"... except for Arn, who is too much fun keeping around as a whipping boy.
-Tank Abbott had a face to face with Meng and Norman Smiley after laying major waste to the Maestro. There is simply no other way to recap this segment. Abbott is ANOTHER WCW bright spot... the boy is getting that push Ken Shamrock should have gotten.
-Backstage, Nash was ready to go. So isn't RAW for that matter.
-Okay, because I care... in order...
-Paisley, the Artist, Kanyon, his girls, Chavo Guerrero, some Ref, Symphony, Nick Patrick, Smiley, Meng, Jerry Flynn, Buzzkill, Midnight, Bam Bam Bigelow, Vampiro, Berlyn, Kidman, Shane, Shannon, Evan, Standards, Ms Handcock, Practices, Leia Meow, Mike Rotundo, Dustin Rhodes, The Wall, Curt Hennig, Rick Steiner, Disco Inferno, Big Anthony, Vito, David Flair, Daffney, Crowbar, Psychosis, Juventud Guerrera, Fit Finlay, Brian Knobbs, Tank Abbott, Asya, Hacksaw Jim Duggan (who mugged for some MAJOR camera time... HOOOOOOOOOO), Stevie Ray, Big T, and a few others maybe that I missed because the camera decided to do a wide shot of the ring to show us just how much talent WCW has and why we should be blowing off RAW in favor of this company!
-Okay, assuming that everyone reading knows about those guys who were told to take a hike tonight... I ask you, where was Luger? Sid? Page? Bagwell? Booker T? STEVEN REGAL?????
-Wow... when you LOOK at the... the... the TALENT in that ring! Only ONE thing comes to mind...
-What the F%$# happened to this company? They were so close man... so close to being cool again, y'know?
-"Hail to the Chief" came on... as interpreted by Jimmy "Synthesizers will make a comeback any day now" Hart. The Announcers rose in respect. Heenan stayed seated because he had an accident in his pants during the Vampiro match and was afraid of being noticed.
-Kevin Nash came out with his new Bodyguards. Notice that none of the Announcers seemed to depressed that Nash took the gig from Terry Funk. Notice that Funk was barely mentioned all night. Notice that so far, this recap seems awfully tame for something so UNCENSORED!!!!
-It's not that I want to go NUTS... it's that now I CAN go nuts when I WANT to.
-Nash gets on the mic and says, "What are you doing? Don't you know that RAW is on? Flip the channel NOW!!!"
-Actually, he opened things up by calling them a "Sea of Underachievers in the Ring" (More truth than fiction in this case).
-He said that he had "goals" for each and every one of us...oops, I mean THEM. He has no goals for me. even if he did, I'd probably fail. I'm a failure... I suck... someone kill me.
-He told Mike Tenay that he would like to give him a "personality". (He has one... it SUCKS. It makes me want to smash something. Order him up a NEW personality... pronto!)
-He told Brian Knobbs that he'd like to give him a brain. The F**K would Knobbs do with that?
-He told Tank Abbott that he's like to give him a "heart". (Abbott laughed. As huge as he is, Nash knows better than to piss off Abbott.)
-He told Norman Smiley that he'd like to give him some "courage".
-Then Nash remarked that he sounded like "Oz" up there. I don't recall Oz doing much talking back in the day.
-The fans chanted "Goldberg, Goldberg"... only louder. Nash told them that if they kept that up, he'll fine the sonafabitch... which IS a pretty funny thing to say... heh heh.
-Nash said that a "terrible injustice" went down on Sunday, and asked Jeff Jarrett to come over. Which he did.
-Nash said that Terry Funk, in a drunken rage, made the previously stated "terrible injustice" by stripping Jarrett of the US title and handing it to some ungrateful, wife stealing, company betraying, Ca... Ca... CANADIAN!!!!! A U.S. BELT BELONGING TO A CANADIAN???? THE OUTRAGE!!!
-Nash gave it back to JJ. It's as if Benoit never existed!
-Jarrett took the mic, gaped as the crowd as they inexplicably chanted "USA" (Duggan is in idiot) and said the word "slapnuts". "Fruit Booty" is no good, but "Slapnuts" is cool? I think it's a black thing.
-Nash had some new rules for the WCW talent:
-1) Mandatory health exams before every match, and he means "Rectal Exams". So, after this little meeting, everyone must go backstage and see "Dr. Jellyfinger". (oh... right... and I obsess too much over the gay aspects of this sport... yeah... uh huh... RIGHT!!!!)
-We see Sid backstage, watching this and doing a slow boil.
-2) No more divided Locker rooms. Everyone shares the Locker room. Except that nobody is to make eye contact with him and he is to be referred to as "Lord Master". (Didn't Bischoff demand that too?)
-3) No questions allowed about the World Title, no doubt until they decide whether or not Benoit hits the bricks, or how long Bret will nurse the head injury. Or until Hogan gets back.
-4) No more Illegal substances in the Locker room. At this very moment, a pack of hounds are rummaging through their stuff sniffing out any doobage. Then he said that there will be no more Viagra allowed anymore, personally singling out Lex Luger (who made it out finally) and apologizing to him.
-Luger did a great job of selling the bit and waving it off to the crowd. I laughed.
-Nash said something about not going off on a rant here (chickababy), then completely lost me with a line about dialing 1-800-Lactose.
-THEN... Kevin searched the group for Bagwell, he came right out and asked if he was "doing Kimberly?" The cameras never found him.
-No matter, Nash issued a Page/Bagwell match for tonight's main event. With Kimberly as the special guest referee.
-Of course, in case Kimberly didn't have a Referee uniform, "Big Sexy" picked out a very special outfit for her. Then he stuck his tongue out and made a face. I tell ya', this guy might be lazy, he might be cocky, he might be spoiled rotten... but he can be a real riot when he wants to be! Friggin' prick.
-Then Nash told us "pukes" that the NWO is now "running the show". Then called his crew a bunch of "Gods". Of course, REAL Gods could get out of their contracts if they REALLY wanted to!
-That pretty much killed it. It was better than I thought it would be. It was almost as if Nash put some real energy into it... for a change... instead of coasting by on charisma.
-Backstage, Nash personally told Kimberly that she would be reffing the main event match. Then asked which stud was better. Kimberly turned to leave, Nash told her that she forgot to bow.
-Mike Rotundo and Rick Steiner came out. With the little Hothouse Flower. The Varsity Club is BACK!!!!! WHOOOooohoo (Totally ran out of steam there.)
-Rotundo told this campus that Ohio State SUCKED. Which was why they never made it into a Bowl game. Yeah, get a decent Hockey team, ya LOSERS!!
-Steiner got on the mic. He actually got away with the word "Buttnuts".
-Both Steiners are amazing on the mics. Not GOOD amazing either... just amazingly amazing!
-Masahiro Chono and Super J came out. Wait... I thought Chono died? Didn't he die?
-Is Super J Japanese? Is he even Oriental?
-The answer is "NO". Tenay finally popped wood and lectured us on how Chono pretty much is the Austin of Japan so we BETTER give him proper Heat, and Master J is the former "NWO Sting", which makes him the FORMER Cobra.
-I swear, I thought Chono died. Some Japanese guy died recently right?
-As Tenay explained it, Chono, Super J, and Rotundo were all part of NWO Japan... but Rotundo deserted them to go home. Tenay's voice cracked as he screamed that Chono and J have come back to America to TEACH ROTUNDO A LESSON IN RESPECT AND HOW TO HONOR HIS TEAMMATES!!!!!! (and to smuggle home some IMacs)
-Shove a naked girl without a shred of body fat on Tenay's lap, nothing. Ask him to educate us morons about the current "pureso" doings, he's creaming his pants.
-These four guys fought. In this match, Heenan called Steiner the "toughest man on the Planet", He called Thunder "the Hottest show on television", and he called Super J, "the most improved wrestler of the Decade". What is WRONG with him?
-After a LONG, but not really noteworthy match, Super J reversed a Rotundo cradle and Chono scored the win. They kept fighting afterwards. The absence of Kevin Sullivan was never really addressed. Business as usual here in WCW.
-The Wall is backstage, and he's WA... WA... WAL... err... in motion.
-So is Sid. But Sid seemed to have a heart attack mid-stride because he started to pound his chest, (BEAT, DAMN YOU... BEAT!!!!!)
-Sid came out. Sid really can work equally as a Heel and a Face, can't he?
-The Wall came out. Who is this "Wall" douchebag, and why am I being bothered by him? Let's just hope Sid takes him out sooner rather than later.
-Eh... it went longer than I would have liked, but there was a nice exchange backstage as DINF and his Paisanos told Nash that he had the "Marinara Family's support". Nash asked them if they ever heard of Vinnie Vegas. Which was cute.
-I wonder why he didn't try to get a little "Big Daddy Cool" or "Diesel" in there? Since he was referencing all his past gimmicks.
-Anyway, Nash asked DINF and the boys to go attack Sid.
-Meanwhile, Sid won the match by pinfall.
-DINF's crew ran out... comedy ensued. Especially if you find Powerbombs funny.
-Scott Steiner was on his way out with two babes. One of them looked like Britney Spears.
-Scott Steiner came out with a football Jersey on. He had two girls with him. One of them loo... OH... I said that already.
-Steiner was on the stick and said that he had to bring the two girls over from Michigan because finding two hot chicks in Ohio is like finding a needle in a haystack. I find that UNLIKELY!! Doesn't half of the Wrestling Internet Web Studs live in Ohio?? DON'T ALL THE BABES FLOCK TO WRESTLING INTERNET STUDS???
-I don't know what it is about Steiner, maybe it's the way he drops the mic after every line and makes a face that screams "HOORAY, I got that one OUT!". Maybe it's the way he tries really hard to get his lines out. But I find his time on the mic utterly fascinating.
-and yet... sometimes... I don't. The dude runs both hot and cold with me.
-Then Steiner beat the Hell out of a ringside fan. Dillenger and company charged. Seems to me, they are just picking up where they left off before he got hurt.
-some folks were backstage, I'm going into breeze mode now.
-Lex Luger came out with Elizabeth. Lex gets a BIG thumbs up for selling that Viagra.
-Luger wasn't doing his Sting bit anymore. The Announcers mulled over the possible reasons, then decided that they had no clue why.
-Bam Bam Bigelow came out. We see that Luger started some trouble with him on Thunder last week. So this is a little payback, I see.
-Bam Bam waited until we were all caught up on the videotape, then charged out after Luger. Luger met him in the ring, the match was ON!!
-It went on for a while. Nothing special going on. Big men take bumps. Luger did his usual grunts as he kicked away.
-Bigelow lifted Lex up for his GFAP Move. Chris Kanyon ran in. Bigelow saw in and dropped Lex. Kanyon's lawyer gave Luger a bottle of Champagne. Luger hit Bigelow, Bigelow went down, Luger took pin, this should be of no surprise to anybody.
-We see everyone involved in the main event busily moving around.
-We also see the NWO crew enjoying this.
-Kimberly came out wearing a cut off ref shirt and a sports bra. God, she's hot...yet also slutty. Like she's been in an orgy or two back in the day.
-DDP came out.
-Buff Bagwell came out. Neither one even glanced and Kimberly.
-They exchanged punches, the bell rang.
-Page hit it first with a Rock Bottom/Belly to Belly move. Kimberly was slow to count.
-They shoved each other around, it went outside. Page tailed Buff around and kept punching him.
-It got back into the ring. It went back and forth. Bagwell dropped Page facefirst into the corner.
-Bagwell stepped on Page's face in the corner.
-Page rebounded and yanked Bagwell's balls into the steel post (weak sell, hardly any tug)
-Bagwell hits a Double Arm DDT, Page gets the arm up at the last nano-second. Buff bitches.
-They start exchanging Bridges and pin attempts.
-Bagwell hits the Blockbuster. Kimberly runs into him, I think... or something. Anyway, she goes down.
-Bagwell tends to her, Page gets up,. hit him with the Diamond Cutter, Kimberly is up again, makes the 3 count. Page wins. Everyone walks away, and the show ends.
WCW is, well, it's not doing too great, now is it?
I kind of feel bad for them actually. I don't know exactly why, they did it to themselves by dumping out on Russo so quickly. They caused this problem, we didn't.
Still, they did their best under bad times. They also played to their best strength, that being Nash's mic work.
RAW was... well, I hoped for more for the Royal Rumble lead in.
I have to admit, I expected more out of myself from my first column outside of Scoops. I would call this a "trainwreck" if there ever was one.
The thing is, I'm a whack job. When I do these things, I never know what I'm going to write. Sometimes it all flows out easily. Sometimes it's like squeezing water from a rock.
Case in point, it took me 15 hours to write both columns...top to bottom.
Let's do the closer and go home.
So, here I am. Off Scoops and onto ScoopThis. The question is, of course, why?
Well, the real question is, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F*&%$ING MIND????"
No, I'm not. I sort of HAD to do this. I really wasn't given much of a choice.
I can't really rag on Scoops. They DID give me my start. They DID let me groove on my own, let me develop my own style. They let me say whatever I wanted about whoever I wanted in whatever tone I wanted. All that, AND it was/is the biggest independent wrestling website on the Internet. It will remain so even without me. I always maintained that the site would prosper without me.
But I had to bail. You see, things got out of hand over there. The reasons why were my fault, but the execution and subsequent treatment of my columns are all on them.
Okay, I'll go through this for those who don't know. If you DO know already, bear with me.
Last November I pulled three "stunts" back to back to back which caused a panic over there. I ragged on the wife of some Internet guy, I posted Bob Ryder's home phone number on my ICQ profile, and I orchestrated an e-mail campaign towards Tony Schiavone. Let's briefly go over each "stunt". BRIEFLY... because neither one of us wants to be here all day.
1) Brian Sullivan, on two distinct occasions, invited my readers to "flame" him. He claimed to be amused by it. The first time he did it was in a column from a year ago that I didn't get around to reading until a week before I ragged on his wife. The second time was in a FAQ section in the site he wrote for. (It was the site that I heavily feuded with for a good chunk of the last year and a half, or so. No sense in mentioning it anymore, mostly because it's obvious to anyone that nobody pays attention to the site or it's founders unless I talk about it). In his column from a year ago, he declared that he could, "outflame me like a child"... or something like that. So, I gave him a taste. Instead of "outflaming me like a child", he went crying to Scoops. Remy asked me to apologize publicly, and so I did. It meant nothing to me. Hell, I thought it was funny. Scoops, of course didn't, in fact, they were pretty freaked.
2) Two weeks later, I posted Bob Ryder's home phone number on my ICQ account. In that same column, I posted Tony Schiavone's e-mail address. Now, although Bob went into a tailspin, and Turner Security wasn't too thrilled, nothing I did was technically illegal. It still scared the crap out of Scoops.
So... after those three stunts, Scoops decided that I should be kept on a leash. My columns were heavily combed over before posting, and even more heavily edited. It wouldn't have bothered me if a line was cut here and there... it happened all the time. I didn't care about certain hardcore lines being extracted, so long as the majority was left in. So long as the TONE was kept in.
What appeared on Scoops was not what I had written. I don't know how to describe it any better. Now, anything even REMOTELY edgy was being chopped out. Instead of just a word or line, now entire sections were cut out. Not controversial stuff, either. Stupid stuff was being taken out for no reason. They would leave my set ups in, but they would knock out the PUNCHLINE.... making everything look incredibly awkward.
I know it looks like I'm just whining, but I swear, it was worse and worse. And it wasn't inspiring me to work 14 hours a week on these stupid columns just to have them worked over like this. That's why I missed weeks and weeks of columns over the last two months. It wasn't fun anymore. It's not fun having Remy Artiega decide what's funny and what's not. No writer in the WORLD deserves that.
So, in the midst of all this controversy, I get a call from Remy Artiega. Now, Remy is probably a nice guy, and I'm sure he means well, but he comes across as so phony in his letters and over the phone. He's diplomatic to the extreme... which is great when talking to advertisers, but not so great when talking to one of his own writers.
Anyway, Remy called me and insisted that I was NOT fired, and that Scoops is behind me 100%. He assured me that everything is kosher, everything is cool, and he expects me to be with Scoops for years and years and years!!!! Of course, all Mop-Ups will have to be funneled to a new e-mail address from here on out. No more submitting through the normal means (which is a way cool Interface program where you submit the columns directly onto the web). Now, they have the "Hyatte Protocols" where I e-mail everything to an e-mail address for scrutiny and editing. Of course, everyone LOVES my stuff, and they KNOW that I won't do anything so foolish as my past deeds again... oh no, this is just a PRECAUTION!!! Yeah right...
Then Remy hits me with something so amazing, I STILL can't get over it. He had a NEW idea for me. Instead of those dumb Mop-Ups I used to do... how about I start doing a WEEKLY WRESTLING WRAP-UP!! A column posted every Saturday (the slowest day in terms of visits, mind you), where I would "recap" all the news that happened all WEEK!!!
But Remy, don't we have... like twelve other writers doing that exact column?
Yeah, but your column would be different! It would be HYATTE'S WRAP UP!! It's time you EVOLVED from those Mop-Ups into this new, exciting arena!!
I was dumbfounded, and completely shocked. I just stuttered into the phone for a few seconds.
Remy, sensing that I'm almost ready to be moved in on for the kill... "Okay, I guess you don't want to evolve then!"
He was huckstering me, like a used car salesman selling a '79 Pinto. I was flabbergasted, and believe me, it takes a LOT to flabbergast me. I've seen and heard a LOT in my life, lots of folks have tried to run a line on me, but hearing it from someone I worked with, someone I trusted.
Later that week, after the first column I wrote after the whole Ryder/Schiavone incident, where my entire closer about what happened with Tony was yanked out, I wrote to Remy and bitched. I bitched about having my closer yanked even though everyone INSISTED that it was all smoothed out, I bitched about how DUMB that weekly wrap up idea was... I bitched about a lot of stuff. He wrote back and bitched back at me. You see, Remy is ALWAYS right, his ideas are ALWAYS good, and if you don't agree, then you should have your head examined.
I took off for another two weeks, to try to put some distance between all this. I came back and my columns started being posted on Fridays, or Saturdays, on, during one memorable week, they actually posted it on THE MONDAY OF A NEW SET OF SHOWS!!!! My Christmas column was posted after Christmas too. My Millennium Mop-Up was posted on New Year's Eve... I was actually grateful.
Anyway, with my column being posted anywhere between Friday to Monday, and tons of stuff being taken out, my readership took a plunge. E-mails were down, ICQ chats were down. Everything was sinking steadily. It was becoming clear to me that I was getting phased out. They didn't want the Mop-Up on the site anymore, but they wanted me. I think that the idea was that if they slowly pushed me off the site, then the people wouldn't flood Al's mailbox screaming at him for firing me and calling him names. If they brought my readership down, then I would simply vanish. I'm probably just being paranoid, but I really couldn't take the editing anymore. So I left.
Did I leave on good terms? I don't know. See, I never told Al I was leaving, and I just sent in a quick resignation and thanks to Remy yesterday. I guess I should have, but Al can get awfully offended at the slightest stuff at times (of course, longtime ScoopThis readers know all about that). I'm sure that they'll do fine without me, Snowball.com has ALL sorts of things planned for the site which will result in stuff that folks like Wrestlemaniacs never DREAMED possible. Scoops is a trendsetting site with definite visions for the future and I hope they turn into THE site by which all other sites are beholden to. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for helping me introduce myself to you good folks and allowing me to make a few of my own trendsetting styles by which other columnists/recappers now follow. I would have LOVED to have stayed with them forever and ever. And I could have.
All I had to do was sell out... just a little.
I can't. You can call me an asshole, a moron, a loser, an egomaniac... anything you want. I don't care. I refuse to sell out. I'd rather write for a smaller site, to a smaller crowd, as the guy who changed the way Tony Schiavone calls a match, as the guy who sends other web guys into fits of depression, as the guy who says what EVERYONE ELSE THINKS, BUT IS TOO AFRAID TO SAY OUT LOUD... then give up a piece of my soul.
That's it. It's long, disjointed, and probably a bit on the rambling side, but it's my story, warts and all. I'm sure it sounds like I'm being a baby, but it's just the honest tale. It's how I feel. No good guys, no bad guys. Scoops is a business, and business-wise, it wasn't safe to keep me around there doing what I do, saying what I say. So they did what they felt they had to do. It's okay. I just did what I felt I had to do.
There is ANOTHER reason I left that has nothing to do with Scoops, but I'll talk about that some other time.
Y'know, to wrap this up, a few things dawned on me. I spent the last few weeks trying to be a nice guy. I DID work at being a team player for Scoops, on the site and elsewhere too. I really tried to be a nice guy... well, let's see what being nice did for me...
1) Being nice got me edited
2) Being nice got me pushed to a weekend posting.
3) Being nice prompted me to congratulate Sean Shannon on his weight loss on Delphi.
4) Being nice got my Jesus column ripped off by some douchebag at Wrestleline.
5) Being nice got my thrown off Delphi by some geek who writes a column nobody has heard of
6) Being nice earned me an snotty e-mail from a cocky CRZ
7) Being nice prompted me to write to that Sickboy dude and give him my support, which he never responded too or thanked me for.
8) Being nice has made an awful lot of people forget just how nasty I can be if pushed hard enough.
I was a nice guy, and everyone's getting mouthy now... well now that's all well and good. because the nice guy act ends..right here...right now. Everyone thought Scoops had me sufficiently muzzled now. Now I'm a punk... now I ain't shit... now it's okay to stomp me around a little. Well, I hope you had fun kids... because it's over.
You thought I was bad before? You thought I was the premiere Internet Prick BEFORE? Now I have no editing... now I am uncensored... now I'm going to show you just how vicious I can be. It's high time I remind some people what it means to FU** with the Goddam King. CRZ... I love you man, but I'm here to re-take my spot as THE Internet Recapper. It may take a while, but I PROMISE...it'll happen.
No more Mr. Nice Guy. Time for a little ass ripping.
FINALLY...because I'm sure it's expected of me to do this at least once....
All together now....
This is Hyatte