"Didn't you used to be Chris Hyatte?"
- TDStarr on ICQ

Yup.

Hello! I'm Chris and WAIT until you hear what happened to me!

Five weeks ago, I had quintuple bypass surgery... AND, I got a haircut!

Just so we're clear; a "bypass" is what NBC did to me with the "Tonight Show"!

Okay... so, how are you doing? Oh me? I'm fine, fine. I've been away for a while. Apparently, I've stirred up a LOT of conversation. Ya' gotta wonder if NoSoul regrets taking me on, or is thrilled?

Did you SEE that Letterman show last Monday? Oh man, what a hot show... even the Foo Fighters were lit up for that puppy. Meanwhile, Jay Leno did all he could to blow Howard Stern's appearance. Leno sucks, man... just completely SUCKS.

Let's get this straight. I was NOT online for the last few weeks. My computer was blitzo, ka-put, in the shop. So if I seem a little dated this week, give me a few weeks to play catch up. I will tell you that during my "time out", I installed Windows 98, started on a novel, AND got laid....TWICE! One was an actual female.

I was also in Los Angeles trying to sell FOX on a hot new show, "Who Wants To Marry A Recapper?". They didn't buy it. Rat jap bastards.

I WAS online for the last few days, and NoSoul called me periodically to update me on all things Hyatte.

[Editor's Note: Actually, I thought I was calling CRZ but didn't want to sound impolite.]

I know about the "Invasion of the Scoops Writers" here on the ScoopThis Mailboard. I know about how the general consensus is that I should have called Al Isaacs and told him personally that I was leaving. I also know about this Scott Keith dude claiming that he was under consideration to replace me. And yes, I know that Keith's girlfriend Shannon defended her man quite vigorously on the subject. Well, I'll talk all about the Scoops Writers in my closer. Well, one writer in particular. One very vocal writer who has been begging for this for a while now. Well, he's got it. The Closer is all about him now. I doubt he'll be too thrilled with it.

About calling Al? Well, maybe you have a point there, BUT shouldn't Al have written SOMETHING about me? Don't you think I deserved at LEAST a "Farewell, Good Luck, and Thanks for Everything" from him? I re-read my last closer about what happened and why I left. I might have been a little rough on Remy, but for the most part, I was pretty cool with it all. Now, if they showed the CLASS to deal with old "Bratty Hyatte" by thanking me for all the hard work I've done for them, wouldn't that have made me look bad? It would have set them up nice as a class act and would have pretty much shut me down. Too bad, they couldn't be a little more mature. I mean, I'm supposed to act like a child... they have no excuse. Or maybe I didn't do everything in my power to make SCOOPS a must visit. Maybe I should have done more?

As far as Scott Keith goes? Who in their right mind thinks he can replace me? Jesus Criminy... give me SOME credit. Here's a little guideline by which you can base ALL your opinions on online popularity: If you have "Slymm" Shannon defending you... then you ain't happening. Period.

Give me a break... please.

Back to SCOOPS. Apparently, Eric Benner did a recap of the Monday shows and it was named "The Mop-Up". The name didn't last. Well, as soon as I heard it, I knew right away that Benner had nothing to do with it. Eric and I are buds, and little shots like that aren't his style. It's something Remy would do, and guess what... he did. Yup, real professionals over there. Maybe one day I'll tell you about Remy's great "SCOOPS O" column? The one that lasted two weeks?

Okay, one more piece of business, then it's go time. During my 6 weeks away, I had NO Internet connection. None at all. So, when I turned on RAW 4 weeks ago, and saw Saturn, Benoit, Malenko, and Guerrero taking a seat in the front row... my mind wasn't that blown since Scott Hall walked out on Nitro that first time. I mean, when I left, Russo was just fired, Sullivan was just hired, and these four guys were in "contractual limbo". At MOST, I figured WCW would keep then under contract and exercise that "No Compete" clause until lack of money forced them back into the company. I had no clue Vince would be able to snap them up so fast. I tell ya', it was the most exciting feeling of "What will happen next"? I've had concerning wrestling in a loooong time. I was marking out HUGE, AND I couldn't wait until Smackdown to see what would happen next. It was all very thrilling.

I truly recommend that you go away from hardcore online reporting for a month... especially to those who are getting a burned out feeling over the sport. Trust me, a month of not knowing what's going to happen will work WONDERS in recapturing the love for this silly ass sport. Plus, it'll really show just how hurting WCW is right now! With no Internet Inside promotion, I really had no desire to watch Nitro.

To help things along, I won't post another column for a month, that way you won't feel like you've missed anything....HAW!!!!!

FINALLY..since I've been gone a while, perhaps you can help me with a few questions I have:

1) When did Madden jump to Ryder's site and how pissed is Samuda right now?

2) Did Ryder die of old age yet?

3) Did Scherer's head explode from Egotism yet?

4) Did Scaia lose his virginity yet?

5) Is Shannon still whining about the sadness that is his very existence?

6) Am I REALLY so interesting that even when I'm not around I spark conversation?

7) Has CRZ been behaving? Or has head gotten Schereristic since he's had the recapping kingship all to himself for the last 6 weeks?

8) Is this Internet thing even HALF as interesting without me in it?

9) Did Petrie's Father die yet? For that matter, did Petrie die? Has anyone heard from him?

10) Anyone else threatening to sue me?

Let's go, inquiring minds want to know.

Speaking of going...I'm late again, it's Thursday, and there's no reason why you should be reading this. But screw it... I'm doing it anyway.

RAW IS WAR: (or: Shouldn't that be a black hand?)

-I didn't see "No Way Out". I tried to, but I got sloshed and ended up sleeping through the first run show AND the replay. Now I have to wait until the 11:00 Tuesday show to catch it (can't miss "Buffy", not with Faith back). Why, if I didn't have a Black box, this wrestling crap would cost me a BUNDLE!

-Kidding, I'm kidding! I pay for my PPV just like any other God Fearing AMERICAN. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND PASS THE KY!!!!

-anyways....

-WWF: One World. It becomes more true week after week.

-Opening theme. The irony being, the first two images shown belong to Steve Austin and the Undertaker. During my absence from the Net, not a week went by when I was POSITIVE the Undertaker would show up to kick a little DX ass with his brother. Where IS he?

-What will they cut out in order to make room for Benoit, Malenko, Saturn, Guerrero, Angle and Tazz? Well, they can dump the Ken Shamrock shots for a while, and if his ego can handle it, couldn't they lose a couple of those Austin shots? He's not even around and they still have a dozen shots of him.

-Or will Ross throw a tantrum?

-Fireworks and fans. Or, for the Vietnam vets out there, fireworks and a TON of bad flashbacks.

-They are in New York City, at Madison Square Garden. (AGAIN???? THEY WERE JUST THERE FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE???)

-BIG sign that read, "COME BACK HYATTE!! ALL IS FORGIVEN!!" Oh Al, that's so sweet of you!

-another BIG sign reads, "STAY WHERE YOU ARE HYATTE, WE DON'T NEED YOU!!!" Jeeze Remy, why do the "Good cop, Bad cop" thing in REAL life?

-Jim Ross assures us that yes, they ARE back at MSG. Even he's got to admit it's too soon.

-THE COMPANY HASN'T RUN ONE SHOW IN ALASKA, PEOPLE!!!!! AREN'T ESKIMOS WRESTLING FANS TOO???????

-Kicking things off with the typical 20 minute monologue segment, Triple HHH (HHHHHHHHH?) comes out with Stephanie McMahon. HH and H is STILL the WWF champ, which pretty much tore up 99% of the second guessers who figured Foley was a LOCK for the win and the WM slot.

-I say GIVE IT TO HIM. Let him job to the Rock at WM, then he...he...oh nobody CARES what I think.

-OOh, Stephanie is SOO slutty, but in a rich bitch snobby way.

-You know, every time HHH hits the ring apron and lifts his belt, isn't it sort of insulting that he YAWNS as he does it? Dude, put a LITTLE energy into this!

-They enter the ring, and wait out a chant of "ASSHOLE". Ross and Lawler take great pains to point out HHH's solemness. Well, what do you want? The guy yawns each time he enters the ring.

-He got on the mic and said that he SHOULD be thrilled to have retired Foley last night. he should be SAVORING the moment.

-BUT... his problem is that the last two PPV's consisted of the two of them laying waste to each other in that "Sports Entertainment" faker-than-sex-from-a-blow-up-doll kind of way, and it forced him to RESPECT Mick Foley moreso than ANY OTHER MAN HE'S EVER MET (obvious exception being Chyna).

-Stephanie was discouraged, and seemed upset.

-NYC fans chanted "WE WANT FOLEY". Sadly, Mick forgot how to use the door and leave his Hotel room and was subsequently stuck... DAMN YOU MCMAHON!!!! YOU LET FOLEY PUSH HIMSELF TOO FAR!!!!!!!

-I don't get something. Maybe it's my "McMahon bias", but if Mick spent 2/3rds of his career being blown up in Japan, being Powerbombed on the cement by Vader, and helping ECW get it's fame as being one sick ass company, how is Vince to blame for his memory losses now?

-HH and don't forget the H, continued about "respect", and "honor", then told Stephanie that it was a "guy thing". Part of me PRAYS that Stephanie knows very little about Guy's "things"... yet... according to the reports I've been getting...

-HHH has put together a little "package" as a tribute to Mick Foley, then demanded that Kevin Dunn roll it.

-Kevin rolled it. Beautiful piano music played over footage of Foley's more goofier escapes. The drop dead FUNNIEST is when Dude Love was shaking his booty, with Austin watching and putting his hands over his head in chagrin.

-Then the music changed to a "DX Remix" (DAMN, that Puff Daddy ruins EVERYTHING!) featuring Foley taking all sorts of hits from DX.

-HHH was laughing, oooh, that no good bastard!!! HE RUINS EVERYTHING!!!!

-What the frig was Notorious B.I.G doing on that remix?

-Numerous shots of that fake Mankind scratching his ass. He needs ten more fingers to cover the job.

-HHH and Stephanie were laughing too hard. Less is more kids, listen to Strasburg.

-HHH said good riddance to bad rubbish. Then Stephanie took the mic and soaked up a chant of "SLUT". Now how would THEY know?

-Stephanie said that now, instead of being a "Fat, smelly, disgusting, LOSER!!!" (kind'a sums up just about every wrestling columnist online, to tell you the truth.... myself QUITE excluded!) Mick can now enjoy life as a "fat, smelly, disgusting, RETIRED loser!" (well, can't exclude myself anymore....dammit!)

-Stephanie reminded us that HHH was her husband. Based on the utter lack of passion these two "newlyweds" have for each other, it was a smart thing to say.

-Let's face it, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie had more chemistry. So didn't Jodie Foster and Matt McConaughey (sp?) in "Contact".

-Suddenly, "No Chance in Hell" came on the speaker. The crowd got a little anxious. Ross and Lawler agreed that business was about to pick up.

-WELL IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME VINCE CAME BACK!!!! AND LET ME JUST ADD THAT IT'S QUITE FITTING THAT HE WOULD COME BACK ON THE WEEK I CAME BACK TO RECA...

-Shane McMahon came out with the Big Show. Dag.

-Ross announced that Shane came back during the No Way Out show. I would have seen it but I was too busy lying spread eagle on my living room rug, butt naked, as my Liver rotted. I am not proud of this either.

-I woke up with a horrible ache in my neck and lower back, and some white goo in my throat. Either I accomplished something amazing or my dog got a little action for the first time in years.

-There was no need for you to hear any of this.

-This is why I left SCOOPS by the way.

-Shane came down the ramp and quickly raised his eyebrows at the two anti-lovebirds. By GOD! Shane is a handsome man!

-I wouldn't stick him or anything, but I'd use my hand if he wanted.

-Stephanie looked at her brother with trepidation and a little bit of nervousness. The audience got a nice long look at her heavily blackened eyes. Is the Raccoon look in style this year?

-Jokes aside, that close up look with the eye makeup makes her look a bit look a Hooker. And not the "With a Heart of Gold" type either.

-It's amazing how TBS can go from looking like he swallowed a basketball one week to looking like he had his four bottom ribs removed the next!

-Shane and Co. hit the ring. Shane had a mic in hand because it would look damn silly if he came back after all these months and just stood there making mean faces at the two.

-Shane told HHH to keep his trap shut so he could have a private talk "McMahon to McMahon". Then proceeded to tell Stephanie the REAL truth as to why she's never seen Uncle Pat go out on a date before. (Oh jeeze Shane, ON NATIONAL TV???)

-Shane called Stephy, "Princess", then gave her Hell for breaking her Daddy's heart so bad that he left the company to form ANOTHER company that is currently taking up all his time. (The XFL... Can you say, "WBF: Part II"? Only NOW, Luger ain't there to help with the crossover audience)

-Why base a football league on a family friendly Pop Rock alt band? I mean, does the band "Smashmouth" REALLY deserve to have a style of football named after them?

-That was weak... that was so, F-ing weak. I... I... I apologize.

-The sad thing is, Scoops would have NEVER edited that. No, THAT they would have kept.

-Shane says he's been biding his time, waiting for the right time to make his return back. And, judging by the way TBS hasn't been doing anything even CLOSE to the VICINITY of lighting things up... well, nobody else needs the heat as bad as him.

-TBS is Jarrett and Shane is Debra's titties. Think of it in those terms.

-Shane was there because...oh well, you know.

-Then he trash talked the Rock. Focusing heavily on his ego and his prima donna attitude, not to mention his penchant for belittling web guys to tears on lame radio shows for no real reason whatsoever, but let's not get into that.

-Something happened. Shane must have skipped a few pages from the script. Because after he stopped speaking practically in mid-sentence, there was a brief, but long enough to be legitimately awkward pause, Ross called this a "tense moment"... we could hear Lawler frantically flipping pages and scream off mic, "We don't know WHERE they are now!! I think Shane's shooting!"

-So they did what they ALWAYS do when the script goes awry...

-They send the Rock out there to fill out the holes with catchphrases and LOTS OF `EM!

-BALLSIEST MOVE I CAN THINK OF RIGHT AT THE MOMENT: Having the Rock start calling people, "Slapnuts"... and eventually become more famous for it then the guy he stole it from! I bet he could pull it off!

-Helen Keller is blinded by the Rock's loud ass shirts.

-The Rock has a mic and isn't afraid to use it. He first congratulates the four of them.

-No, no... he's NOT congratulating Shane for his triumphant return during the rock's match.

-No, no... he's NOT congratulating Stephanie for being the biggest tramp walking New York City. (Big Pop... go figure)

-No, no... he's NOT congratulating TBS for beating him and going to Wrestlemania.

-No, no... he's NOT congratulating HHH for still being WWF champion.

-Yes, yes... he's congratulating the four of them for being the "biggest bunch of assholes this BLEEEEEEEEEEEP" (NICE shooting Tex!! Way to cut off everything BUT the actual word!)

-The Rock soaked up the cheap heat one gets from swearing over the mic... especially in the Big Apple... bunch of little, immature, CHILDREN!!! One little swear and it's POP CITY!!! John Rocker was SO RIGHT about you!

-Watch... A-HOLE!! I just got 15 new readers, 14 of them crackheads. The other one is Dominican. All on welfare.

-The Rock guarenDAMNtees that he will STILL headline Wrestlemania! Andthat'sallhe'sgottosay'boutTHAT!

-HHH stepped in and said that this was "An AB conversation, why don't you `C' your way out of it!!" (PWAHAheh eh)

-'samatta o'fact, this had nothing to do with the Rock at all.

-Chant of "A-Hole". HHH, "Look, the Rock's out here to entertain you, don't call him that!" (come on... that was FUNNY!!! So it was more obvious than Michael Douglas's facelift, it was still amusing!)

-HHH continued to lecture the Rock, deciding that since the Rock had his chance at greatness, but BLEW it... he'll have to start waaaay down at the bottom of the ladder.

-In short, the Rock will start at the VERY bottom of the ladder tonight by going one on one with New York's pride and joy, the BROOKLYN BRAWLER!!!!!!

-New York's pride and JOY? *Whoosh*, 5 years ago, HHH would have been lynched for that... but now since Disney owns Times Square, and someone has totally cut off New York's nutsack, I guess they'll let that go.

-HEY NEW YORK!!! JERSEY LAUGHS AT YOU NOW!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

-CHICAGO SPITS AT YOU!!!!!

-LOS ANGELES USES YOU FOR A SEMEN TANK!!!!!!!

-DEAL WITH IT BIG APPLE!!!! YOU ARE BOSTON'S BITCH NOW!!!!!!

-Ross muttered, "What? Well, with all due respect to the Brooklyn Brawler, this isn't fair to the Rock, he shouldn't be exposed to AIDS like that!"

-Lawler, "WHA-AT? JR, the Brawler doesn't have AIDS!"

-Ross, "He doesn't?"

-Lawler, "No!"

-Ross, "But isn't he..."

-Lawler, "As a 3 dollar bill, yes!"

-Ross, "But I thought all...."

-Lawler, "Well they DON'T!!"

-Someone tell Jimbo that this is a NEW Century, and we should be EVOLVING!

-6 weeks for this, people! You waited 6 weeks.

-HHH finished up by goofing on the Rock's "If you smell..." presentation.

-Meanwhile, Shane, TBS, and Stephanie were all laughing it up. Suddenly, they are all friends again.

-Lastly, Shane grabs the mic and told the Rock that in case he missed the point here, the only chance he has of going to Wrestlemania as the number 1 contender... well Rock, there is no chance in HELL!

-cue the music...

-The music plays, the four heels stand in the ring triumphantly, the Rock stares at them angrily, all hope appears to be lost and NOBODY thinks that HHH will fight TBS at the Big Dance. This is where we stand right now.

-Actually, I have it on GOOD authority that the REAL WM headliner will be The Sandman defending against Yokozuna!! I don't know how they plan on pulling this off so fast, but I trust my source!

-Of course, I can't tell you WHO my source is, but his name rhymes with "Pal Flysacks"

-Backstage, the Hardy Boys interrupt an Acolyte card game to challenge them to a match. One of them called Faarooq, "Cuz" (oh, now WHY make it racial?? For God's sakes...this is supposed to be ENTERTAINMENT)

-The Acolytes dismiss them as being snotty little upstarts. For some odd reason, Bradshaw gets on his cellphone and starts screaming, "BUY, BUY!"

-The Hardys shove their card table towards them then scamper off like girls. Acolytes chase them a little, then decide to wait until the show can get through the night's first set of...

-commercials. Apparently, the Earth will be destroyed soon, and Japanese Anime will play a MAJOR part. This should surprise nobody.

-Terri Runnels betraying the Hardys is the Snickers "processed lard" of the week. The thing is, if you orally invest in too many Snickers, you ain't getting ANY chick who sticks her boobies out like that!

-Moments ago, the Hardys called Faarooq, "Cuz". The OLD Faarooq would have made fun of his hair... but Vince is STILL pissed at him for boycotting the WWF after they screwed Bret.

-The Hardys came to the ring. How they can wear those tight shirts without dealing with a horrendous case of the "Itchies" is beyond me.

-The Acolytes stomped to the ring. Bradshaw was on his cellphone and screamed, "SELL, SELL", before hanging up. This guy is an Stock Market WHIZ!!! But, will he let the lure of money and the cotton white body of Daryl Hannah corrupt HIS soul?

-The Acolytes get close enough to the ring for Matt Hardy to dive at them. Both men caught him, Jeff followed suit by Plancha-ing all over the threesome. Everyone went down. So far, this is better than ANYTHING Nitro put together all night.

-Quickly, things turned into an Acolyte double team... brute power.

-Ross, "I don't think I've ever seen, a team as physically intimidating, and as dangerous as the Acolytes!!" This coming from the man who practically called almost EVERY Road Warrior (in their heyday) match! ROSS SOLD OUT HIS HERITAGE!!!! ROSS SOLD OUT THE SPORT!

-Oh who cares

-Hardy with a Tornado DDT on Bradshaw. Hot Tag to his brother.

-Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a MOP-UP first!! I have NEVER used the phrase "Hot Tag" before today!!!!!! I WOULD have used it before, but I figured it would have been cut.

-Are they even brothers?

-Jeff Hardy tried to small package Faarooq, Faarooq wasn't playing. Shouldn't have called him "Cuz".

-Even when you can't understand him, Faarooq is a GREAT speaker.

-Jeff with an "X-Factor"... seeing a possible conflict, Ross called it a "high impact move".

-Jeff tagged Matt without anyone's knowledge. Matt snuck up on Bradshaw and gave him then twisty neck breaker that has suddenly become known as "The Twist of Fate". (I swear, Ross must make these names up on the spot, then pretend that they've been in effect since the dawn of time). He scored the three count and upset the Acolytes. I would have paid to see this match.

-The Boyz beat feet out of there. Bradshaw was shocked, Faarooq was just happy to have a cool gimmick this late in his career.

-Ross, "The Hardys won with the prettiest blind tag you'll NEVER see!" (huh?)

-Backstage, Kurt Angle was explaining to someone (either a WWF Official, or a "Lovable Fixture of the New York Cultural Landscape") as to which weighed more, the Inter-Continental belt, or the European belt.

-You know, Val Venis was just basically SHOVED out of the scheme of things, wasn't he?

-commercials

-Kurt Angle came to the ring, with a mic, and said that unlike Darryl Strawberry, he ain't no coke fiend! (or words to that effect). Ross grumbled that it was a "low blow", then remarked that they could put on two hours of X-Pac examining and eating his boogers and it would STILL beat the "competition" in the ratings. (OWCH!! Where'd THAT come from?)

-Angle said that the only thing he was addicted to was winning championships, and kiddie porn! (A-friggin-Men Brother!)

-Speaking of which, would someone PLEASE remind me which site M.L. Curly used to be found on? I'm thinking Wrestling1.com, which would be ALL SORTS of entertaining.

-Angle offered a challenge to ANYONE who wanted a title shot. Everyone made it clear that Jericho was the stud who should come out.

-Phatu Rickygiri came out. Against pretty much EVERY SINGLE INSTINCT I HAD ABOUT THIS GUY... he's over.

-This was a Euro belt match. I am typing with one hand, my other hand is raised parallel to the side of my head, one finger is raised, the others are fisted, my raised finger is twirling around and around in a clockwise motion. Remember, the finger is pointing UP.

-Fat-you jammed Angle in the corner and was aiming his butt right towards his face in a move I like to call the "Shannon Splash"... but Angle dove forward and tried to clip his knee.

-Angle started taking roundhouse shots at the big guy... Bob Backlund NEVER punched anyone in his LIFE!

-Fat-two You's entire arsenal consists of jamming his ass in his opponent's face. Anyone wanna guess who dreamed up HIS gimmick??

-Ross, "I guess he's using his `assets'!"

-Lawler, "Oh JR, that's so `asinine'!"

-anyone really need to wonder why Nitro is killing them in the ratings?

-Rikishi jammed the ass in Angle's face and started to wiggle. Ross, "Oh for the love of PETE!" (methinks he may have used the wrong vowel... twice)

-Angle rolled out of the ring and got the frig out of there. Match over, he's going home early.

-Referee Teddy Long counted him out. Angle was on the mic and screamed that these people came to see a "wrestling match, not to see your BUTT IN MY FACE!!!" (Actually, New Yorkers would be quite happy with both)

-Suddenly, there was an explosion.

-Jericho's music came on. Big pop.

-Jericho and Chyna came out. Jericho quickly ran through, "Welcometorawisjericho", then said to "Kirk Angel" that even though Rikishi has a giant ass, Angel IS a giant ass, and everyone wants to see him get the "stinkface agAAne" (Why does he use a strong A instead of a soft A? Is that a Canadian thing? I'll have to ask NoSoul... or Dusty, they're the same guy, ya'know. Hell, I think NoSoul is Dusty and is also Trey! IT'S ALL A WORK, PEOPLE!!!!!)

[Editor's Note: Just those 3? Does this mean I've managed to convince people that at least Jay, Robert & Robert are real? Mouahaha. The master plan is working. Now for phase II: UNLEASH THE LLAMAS!]

-Jericho beat on Angle until he was back in the ring. Then Phuckyou did some damage, topped off with a Vader Bomb.

-Then the Radicals ran in. No way in HELL they should be jobbing out to Christopher and Taylor... I didn't give a crap WHO their partner was!

-Ross called them the "damn Radicals". It worked with the Dudleys, but to use on on EVERY heel group is pushing it.

-Benoit stuck with Rikishi as Malenko went for Chyna. Then Too Cool charged and it was a big mess. Angle and everyone who was in WCW two months ago bailed.

-Then Too Cool got Jericho and Chyna to dance with them. This might kill the entire show for me. JERICHO SHOULD NOT BE GETTING DOWN WITH HIS BAD SELF!!!!! WHY CAN'T HE START HITTING PEOPLE WITH HAMMERS AGAIN???

-And Chyna? What happened? Why isn't she fighting men at their own game and being a role model for silly broads everywhere?

-commercials

-footage of Angle's latest gay experience.

-Backstage, Jericho was about to preach to his masses with something incredibly entertaining, but was cut off by Malenko and Saturn, who had problems with him for some reason. I'm sure Deano was still miffed over the time Jericho went on Nitro and reeled off the list of moves he does that Malenko doesn't. ("#10: ARMBAR, #11: THE CALGARY SPINNING PLANCHA, #12: ARMBAR").

-Chyna accepted the match on Jericho's behalf. She needs a slap.

-Edge and Christian come out. Terri was with them... oops, that wasn't her, it was Lillian Garcia.

-There she was. Bouncing away. Not to make unfounded accusations at possible sexism, but does Terri really need to bounce her boobs so... vigorously?

-No way man, the WWF runs a fair and gender impartial SHIP!!!!!

-Terri joined the Announcers and Lawler lit up like a Christmas tree.

-Meanwhile, Al Snow came out with a mic (and got a swell pop, t'boot) and said that nobody knew better than him that a wrestler needs a personality AND a catchy theme song in order to get over. So the had a special treat for the void that is Steve Blackman.

-Steve Blackman came out to some goofy music. Lawler and Terri agreed that the music didn't turn either of them on. Ross asked if sex was the only thing on Lawler's mind. Lawler asked Ross if he's had a good look at the (WAY TOO) young piece of fluff he's currently boffing, then told Terri that Ross hasn't had sex since Uncle Milty ruled the airwaves.

-It was the Blonde Boys vs the Old Boys, meanwhile, Terri explained that she dumped the Hardy's because they never visited her in the Hospital. Which, of course, was Ray Traylor's excuse for turning on the NWO a few years back... mark this date on your calendar boys and girls, tonight is the night where Pro Wrestling has run OUT of original ideas.

-In other words: MY GOD!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!

-Well, she said the Hardy Boys visited her only 2 days a week, Hell, Dusty visited her 4 times a week, but he only showed up to eat her dinner.

-He's young enough, he's gifted enough, he can work extreme. If properly pushed, I could see Al Snow picking up where Mick Foley's retirement left off!

-yeahwellIalsosawKurganasthenextKevinNash soobviouslyStevieWonderseesbetterthanme.

-Ross registered his vast disappointment at Terri. Lawler called him an old fogey.

-Terri started walking around with a piece of cheese, which led to Edge pinning Blackman in a way I couldn't even DESCRIBE! (meaning: I wasn't paying attention)

-Terri walked away, some young thug at ringside made a grab for her ya ya's. I hear WWF Security put him in a coma, THEN injected him with the Bubonic Plague. Mess with the WWF talent and they WILL get religious on your ass!

-Backstage, the Rock was mentally preparing for fighting the Brooklyn Brawler. Ross loudly prayed that the Brawler didn't end up bleeding all over Rocky tonight. Ross NEVER learns.

-commercials. "If these Walls Can Talk 2", because dammit, our lives aren't COMPLETE without seeing Ellen DeGeneros in a love scene!

-Because we are too dumb to figure it out, and the WWF will NEVER be above a little self hyperbole, we are given proof that tonight's show is sold out.

-The Rock came out, ready to start from the ground up.

-Ross reminds us that the Rock started his WWF career 3 years ago at the Survivor Series right there at MSG. Now, why didn't they show any footage from that great night? With his long hair, and his Samoan Tribal gear, and his total lack of verbal skills? Why couldn't they embarrass him on nationwide TV? What would he do? Jump to WCW? BWAHAHAHAAAA!!!

-In another Universe, right now, had he went left instead of right, we would have been calling this guy "The Artist Formerly Known as Rocky Maivia". Mull that horror scene over a little bit.

-The Brooklyn Brawler came out with his shirts full of holes. Ross REALLY panicked and said, "My God, he has Leprosy too? STOP THE MATCH DAMMIT!!! ROCKY'S TOO DAMN VALUABLE TO THE COMPANY TO RISK THIS!!!!" Lawler had to force Ross to breath through a brown paper bag and encourage him to find his "happy place".

-The Rock attacked the Brawler (sounds like something you'd find on the undercard of a NWA territory card, circa 1950) on the ramp, looking to end this quickly.

-The Brawler launched an offense. Ross said, "You gotta believe, the Brawler has nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain by beating the Rock tonight!" I would like to make two comments about that sentence:

-1) Duh

-2) Double DUH

-3) (bonus comment), I haven't heard Ross use the phrase "You gotta believe" since Dusty put up 120 days of his career against Lex Luger in the cage at Starrcade `86. It was a time when wrestling fans WORLDWIDE banned together, clapped their hands, and screamed, "I BELIEVE IN DUSTY RHODES!!! I BELIEVE IN THE AMERICAN DREAM!!!"

-ahh... to be young again!

-what a lame ass mark I was back then.

-The Rock Bottom effectively piddled all over the Brawler's chances at a comeback. It's back to Greenwich Village hustling Johns for a few shekels for the poor Brawler.

-The Rock got on the stick and told Triple H that he wasn't quite through tonight, so he invited HHH out there for a match. Not a WWF title match, just a simple "Me Kicking Your Candy Ass" match, (Now why must ALL WWF matches now have special stipulations?)

-HHH came out, hopping mad. Stephanie was holding him back.

-Shane stepped out with TBS. Shane has a plan. Somebody shoot me now.

-It was carefully explained to the Rock that the Wrestlemania main event is all sewed up, and he ain't gonna be a part of it.

-Rock carefully explained that a HHH/TBS WM ME would pretty much suck.

-Ross and Lawler were quick to point out that Wrestlemanias NEVER suck (they must have been dropping acid during the year where UT vs Sid was headlining)

-The McMahons conferred, then Stephanie announced that the Rock had one last chance. If he could PIN either TBS or HHH in a handicapped match tonight, then he'll get his WM shot. HHH explained that this is his last chance.

-The Rock must have had some crap in his ears, because he asked again if tonight was his last chance? He called TBS "The Big Slow" so casually, you almost missed it... almost.

-HHH re-iterated that yes, this would be his las...

-"IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S THE ROCK'S LAST CHANCE!!!"

-Rocky said some more, mostly about doing what they say can't be done. He's got a long way to go, and a short time to get there, he's just gonna sit back and watch that old Bandit run. You see, the boys are thirsty in Atlanta, and there's beer in Texarkana, and we're gonna get there no matter what it takes.

-I'm thinking... a replay of Wrestlemania X where all three guys have to do the Round Robin thing and the guy who wins the most matches takes home the whole magilla. But I also think that the Universe is really only a conceptual dream of an autistic child. Break out the bongs and let's hypothesize.

-commercials

-Chyna came out cradling a large, metallic object. Jesus, the bitch don't mess around. God bless Hunter.

-Y2J ticker came on. RAW is WAR becomes the WARZONE.

-explosion

-theme music.

-Jericho comes out. He has no mic. He already had his mic time.

-Lawler says that this is sponsored in part by Snickers. Ross says he loves Snickers, and offered his body up as evidence. Not exactly the endorsement they were going for, methinks.

-"Mommy, does Snickers cause your face to go numb?"

-"Why yes dear, I guess it does. Here, have an apple."

-Saturn came out with Dean Malenko. They started swinging at each other right away.

-Jericho did that powerbomb move where he lifts him back up and drops him again...oops, I mean agAAne. That's a good way to catch a nice Hernia.

-Jericho went for his Springboard Asai Moonsault thingy... (aka: High Impact Move) but Malenko yanked the second rope down and Jericho had to physically move himself and drop out of the ring. You just don't see Hogan messing up like that. It's called PROFESSIONALISM, people!

-Malenko clotheslined Chyna just for the Hell of it. Saturn suplexed Chyna too.

-Chyna rebounded and hit Saturn with a low blow. Jericho followed with another Moonsault attempt. He scored the pin. Kronus laughs at Saturn now.

-Backstage, Road Dog and X-Pac explain to Billy Gunn why he's too injured to work tonight. HHH stepped in and tried to calmly explain to him why his shoulder should be rested.

-Gunn threw a hissy fit. HHH ended up punching him. All three guys worked him over a little and threw him out of the Dressing Room. And so begins another rousing installment of, "GET THE ASSMAN OVER AS A SOLO ACT: PART 2".

-I am all for it, there are too many tag teams in the company to keep it around their waists.

-commercials

-footage of the breakup of DX. For those who spent the last 10 minutes zoning out on that autistic child's dream concept. ("Hey maaan, it sounds so, so... reeeeal. Someone pass the Fritos.")

-Mark Henry comes out with Mae Young. We see how Mae's unborn child withstood a big splash from Midean. Her uterus walls must be made of Titanium.

-Crash Holly came out with his Hardcore belt. Didn't see that storyline development.

-Fans called Crash, "Elroy". Ross explained that it was a reference to the "Jetsons". I always thought George Jetson was the most p-whipped loser in cartoon and. I mean, you could sort of picture Fred Flintstone giving Wilma a smack across the head if she got TOO mouthy, can't do it with George.

-Henry was looking to become Hardcore champion. The guy banged Mae Young. Mission friggin' accomplished!

-Crash used a 2 by 4 on Henry

-Henry rebounded and tossed the punk around.

-Then Mae Young entered the ring and gave Crash a Big Splash. Then she rolled on her back and started to scream. I refuse to believe that she's in her 80's. She takes too many bumps.

-Moolah, Gerald Brisco, some medics, and Patrick Patterson arrive on the scene to tend to her. Patterson kept trying to roll her on her stomach, makes him feel a little more at home I guess.

-commercials

-moments ago, the end game began. Ross announced that Mae just went into labor. Nothing positive can possibly come out of this.

-Mae was being rolled down a hall. The Medic stopped, screamed that she wasn't going to wait until they get to a Hospital, and told them to roll her into a room. Patterson yelled at Brisco , "DON'T JUMP ON ME!". (oy... too easy, too f-ing easy)

-Tazz came out. We gots to get him speaking more.

-Chris Benoit came out. Holy Smokey, you do realize that Heyman would use a whole YEAR up to sell this match as a PPV headliner. You think Vince pasted this match together just to keep the Extreme fans in New York happy?

-Tazz hits the ring and waggled his tallywhacker at Lillian Garcia. That boy simply NEVER learns.

-Benoit came out. I'm sure I wasn't the only one who breathed a sigh of relief when we realized that Benoit is slowly being pushed as the MAIN guy in this new Radical group.

-Eddie was with him. Once heeled, Eddie has all the makings of being the SECOND main guy of the Radicals.

-Malenko, poor bastard, just hasn't got that certain charisma.

-Saturn is an enigma. An bald, scary, crosseyed Enigma.

-Tazz tossed Benoit around a little. Eddie distracted the Ref enough to avoid the pin.

-The Ref ejected Guerrero. They pick the strangest times to give their Refs some balls.

-Benoit went for his patented "Multiple Dragon Suplexes" I hear his girlfriend loves it when he does those to her while... while... oh for Christ sakes... they just had a child. Leave them alone.

-The Big Bossman and Prince Albert showed up and caused the DQ. They smacked Tazz around a little. Tazz simply would NOT give up. Benoit gave him another Dragon Suplex because he's a no good Canadian CHEATER!!!!!!!

-Albert gave Tazz a spinning Stunner on a chair. He landed on his hip. Tazz didn't get up. I thought he was a TOUGH GUY? What a pussy.

-BBM got on the mic and goofed at this "hometown" boy. Then mocked his "Mood is about to change" phrase.

-You realize this was Benoit's Madison Square Garden debut? Theoretically, this is the dream of just about EVERY wrestler in the world.

-backstage, Mae Young was busy being in labor. The Medic had the luck to be assigned to watch her vag. Am I crazy, or does that Medic look like white rapper, Eminem?

-Mae wants a cigar. She is given a cigar. Patterson lights it for her. Mark Henry screamed, "DAMN MAN, DON'T BURN ME!" I only wrote that because you probably saw it coming a mile away.

-Pat stayed near her head. He's too damn old to go checking out her other end.

-The Medic asked when was the last time Mae had her period. She responded, 1957. That means that Kennedy was still alive the last time she got wet.

-The Medic wasn't enjoying his place in this scene. Patterson finally checked out the goods. Brisco looked over and started to gag. I SWEAR I heard Pat tell him, "Now you're getting the hang of it buddy!"

-commercials

-Mae was in labor. The Medic got his head DEEP in there. They played a fart as a sound effect. The Medic started to puke. Hell, they all did.

-Mae pushed some more. The medic screamed, "I CAN'T GET AT IT!!" Pat handed him an adjustable wrench. Why the F**K is Patterson carrying around an adjustable wrench?

-Mae pushed some more... sound effects. SICK sound effects.

-The Medic pulled something out covered with a jelly substance. It was a hand.

-Patterson, "A hand? A HAND?? A HAND??? Come on everybody, let's give Mae Young a Hand!" A round of applause followed suit.

-Well, now we know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.

-Remember when guys like Ryder predicted that the WWF would lose their edge when Russo bailed?

-I believe this can safely fall into the category, "Geriatric Porn".

-Good God Almighty. I can't see "Snickers" sticking around with them now.

-That was... that was... I... I... I need a drink. I'll be back.

-

-

-

-

-

-Okay, three fingers of Yukon Jack backed by a cash of Skim Milk and all's right with the world again.

-The Irony here is, Patterson was the most attractive person in that scene.

-The Dudleys comes out. Ross was basically speechless. Lawler didn't fair much better.

-Wisely, they focused on the just occurred DX eviction of Billy Gunn.

-Is there a better Heel team working today then the Dudleys? They are both Old School and VERY current.

-Road Dog and X-Pac came out with Torrie. Ross called her "Tombstone Torrie". Why? Because she bangs guys so hard they usually die?

-They started right in. Luckily, the Dudley's had the foresight to set up their tables early.

-I'm so glad they dropped Buh Buh's stutter. Not for any offensive reason, just because it was annoying.

-Ross said that Buh Buh Ray seemed to go "orgasmic" whenever he jammed someone into a table. Well Hell? Who hasn't humped a hole in a tree from time to time?

-I was lucky enough to screw a hole where a squirrel lived. Oh man alive... t'was the best sex I ever had. It was no fun getting my helmet re-attached, but damn, it was worth it!

-The Dudleys worked over Road Dog a little. Buh Buh Ray started to do the "Multiple Elbowdrops" sequence INVENTED by Tully Blanchard (IrememberandIcare) and RIPPED OFF by Hulk Hogan. Then Buh Buh stopped, yelled "SCREW YOU" and dropped another one.

-X-Pac was tagged and mad use of his "Educated Feet" (The Left graduated 34th in his class at Yale. The Right bummed around Community College until it dropped out and joined the Foreign Legion. Thanksgiving is never a pretty sight at the Waltman house)

-X-Pac jammed his crotch in Buh Buh Ray's face with the Bronco Buster. This brought out Kane... because Kane doesn't abide ANY homoerotic acts. In short, he ain't no FAG!

-Kane cleaned house. X-Pac took off. WHERE IS THE UNDERTAKER?????

-commercials

-The McMahon unit were busy discussing strategies.

-Ross presented us with a REAL video tribute to Mick Foley.

-The song they used was called, "I Will Remember You". Sadly, Mick apparently ain't remembering much these days. Welcome to Irony City baby!! WHOOOOOOOO

-Nice video. I'm sure they'll show it on Smackdown AND Livewire. So you can watch it then.

-So, whatever happened to the loser Mick was hanging around with when he made those faux soundbites as a teenager?

-Jesus Christ, did Foley start growing facial hair when he was 9?

-My biggest regret is not having Foley's first WWF title win (remember that one? The one Schiavone tried to ruin?) on tape.

-Funny enough, for me the most impressive move he ever did was being able to yank out tufts of his hair. I try to do that and end up crying like a pussy.

-Silence from the Announcers as the fans weigh in their thoughts. Ross started to cry. He told the tale of how Mick once yanked off his bathing trunks in a pool. Alas... alas.

-The Rock is backstage, walking. I believe that CRZ has copyrighted the use of upper casing the last word of this sentence. So I can't use it.

-commercials

-Shane McMahon brought out the Big Show.

-HHH came out with Stephanie.

-The Rock came out. Let's get this ON!

-Ross changed the rules and screamed that this was NOT a three way. In thought it was?

-It wasn't. HHH started out with Maivia.

-HHH took control and tagged TBS. TBS dropped a leg on Rocky's face. Ross said that he's never seen a leg as big as The Big Show's. What about the Giant Gonzales? YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR PAST JIMBO!!!!!!!!!

-HHH was back in. Shane and Stephanie were all buddy, buddy again. That was the quickest turnaround I might have EVER witnessed.

-It was all Rock... NOT!!!

-And so concludes my tribute to "Catchphrases of the `90's"!

-relax, I'll bring them back one day. Don't have a cow, man.

-Rocky took his beating, then snuck a DDT on TBS. Ross, "THE ROCK HAS A CHANCE, THE ROCK HAS A CHANCE!!!"

-The Rock rebounds. Ross claims that he's on fire! Lord knows I am familiar with the misery of Crabs.

-TBS goes over the top rope. Shane takes a punch. HHH takes a Rock Bottom.

-HHH eats a People's Elbow. 1-2...

-Shane runs in and causes the DQ. The bell rings.

-Everyone beats on the Rock. Ross registers his moral and ethical outrage. The fans chant, "FOLEY, FOLEY". Lawler tells these losers to give it up.

-The show ends.

I refuse to make any comment (greatshowotherthantheMaeYoungsegmentthatmademefeelskeevy) until I am able to fully digest Nitro (rawwinsandeveryoneknowsit). So join me for part 2 of this week's exciting column. You'll be glad you did!

Mop-Up NITRO
Review of February 28's edition of WCW Nitro (TNT)
by Chris Hyatte

So, I haven't been online in well over a month, which meant, obviously, I had no responsibility to watch Nitro. No sense in taping, then recapping it. I had no means to get any sort of text online. So why bother?

I DID watch it, every week, from 8-9. Of course, with Benoit and Co. over on RAW, it was basically just time killing until the better show came along.

It was scary as to how easy it was blowing off this show. I don't think Nitro has EVER been this low before. At least as far as I can recall.

Jeff Jarrett is essentially doing the same exact character he did in the WWF. Not the Woman Hater, but the general "Don't Piss Me Off" persona. In the WWF, it made him one of the top midcarders, in WCW it made him a headliner. Sign of superior booking? Or a sign of just how bad the Atlanta product has become?

But THANK GOD for Mark Madden. Oh man, nobody on either show has supplied me with more material in such a short amount of time than his Portliness. For instance, how's about that haircut? In his first week, he had the shoulder length, "hippie" `do. Y'know, the hairstyle most fat people have because they are too ashamed to sit down at the stylist chair and have some babe get so close to their sweaty rolls? Then, the next week his hair was neatly trimmed down. Someone at the Image department must have started banging his head against the wall and screamed, "THIS IS TV NOW, MORON!! NOT RADIO!! THE SLOB LOOK HAS GOT TO GO!!"

And MAN... I never pictured Madden as a mouth breather. But there he is, sucking air like it's going out of style. Boy NEVER shuts his mouth. He keeps it open 24/7...even when Schiavone's speaking. Maybe he's doing too much blow?

Of course, you can always count on Mark's stunned, "I can't believe 2 million people are watching me right now" look he gives the camera whenever it goes on him and Tony. He looks like his mother just caught him playing with himself. Mouth opened just a smidge... like an over stuffed Turkey that you just can't close all the way.

I'm telling ya', Madden might save Nitro.

Speaking of which...

Nitro (or: The Show Formerly Known as Star Packed)

-opens with a recap of all the zanieness that happens when a company is being run by yesterday's generation. Why is Jarrett the "Chosen One" anymore? Isn't the guy who chose him pretty much out?

-I TOLD you Flair would be back.

-Why is Nash referencing Batman?

-Why is Jarrett smashing everyone with his guitar now? Instead of hating women, is he now hating lazy old school workers? Is THAT his new gimmick?

-Who decided that Madden should replace Heenan anyway?

-Hogan vs Flair AGAIN? Jesus.

-Okay, Luger is COOL again. He's best when he's being an arrogant doody head obsessed with his own body.

-Notice, it didn't take Sullivan very long to gut just about EVERY angle Russo had created. Sid ain't dumb, he's SMART. Disco Inferno isn't being hounded by those two Dagos, he WITH them. Luger isn't a weaselly little manipulator, he's an AWESOME SPECIMEN. Kidman isn't a Filthy ANIMAL...he's a babyfaced Jewish kid. Torrie isn't a STACKED nitwit, she's a stacked NITWIT.

-damn shame.

-opens with Sid getting out of his car. Took a lot out of him judging on how red his face is. Amazingly, he remembered to wait until the car stopped before he got out... remember kids, Sid is NO DUMMY anymore.

-Then Tank Abbott rolls in on his motorcycle. Tony Schiavone screams that tonight, Tank will be fighting Sid for the WORLD TITLE!!!! I wonder if Ryder was able to explain how beating his former running mate for his leather jacket automatically propelled Tank to #1 status?

-Maybe since he cameoed on "Friends" 3 years ago, Tank is considered a bonafide TELEVISION STAR!!!! You know how hard WCW gets for real life celebrities showing up.

-Next month, Sid defends his world title against ReRun from "What's Happening". Sid thinks he's all that, but wait until he feels the wraith of the "BERRY SPLASH!!"

-Fred Berry being the actor who portrayed ReRun... *cough*

-no, I'm not too thrilled with myself that I know that information.

-"RO-OG"

-anyways, Tank pulls up to a smattering of screaming fans yelling, "TANK, TANK, TANK!" I SWEAR, one of those fans looks just like comic superscribe, Peter David. The one on the far left, the bald, overweight one!

-actually...err...that applies to quite a few comic book superscribes... now doesn't it? Mark Waid, Chris Claremont, etc...

-point being, none of those people look young enough to get away with chanting "TANK, TANK, TANK!" Jesus guys, got a rug, hit the treadmill, and GET A LITTLE.

-meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is ambushed by Mike (Skye, Fris, Skye, Fris..I can't decide...BRING ME BOTH!!) Tenay. Jarrett says that he doesn't care WHO he's fighting at Uncensored, just so long as he can get the term "Slapnuts" on the front of ever T-shirt of every loser in the free speaking world. Then he called Jim Ross a "fat, numbfaced, cowpie"... now Jeff, THAT'S NOT COOL!!!!

-opening theme. That Fireball must have finally caught up to the Nitro Girls... `cause they be GONE.

-Tony Schiavone is there, quick to point out that they are in Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is even quicker to point out that this is the home of Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Which, ALMOST kind of, sort of was a hint that Jesse MIGHT show up tonight.

-Think I'm crazy? When he brought up Ventura's name, did you think, for a second, "Oh, maybe they got Jesse top show up?" You did, didn't you?

-DIDN'T YOU??????? DAMMIT!!!!!!

-I HEREBY ACCUSE WCW OF FALSE ADVERTISING!!!!!! I PLAN ON SUING THEM FOR 17 MILLION DOLLARS BASED ON EMOTIONAL HARDSHIP!!!!!!

-If YOU sat through the entire Nitro in hopes of seeing Ventura...then you can hop along this frivolous lawsuit!! COME ON AMERICA!! LET'S TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS F-ED UP LEGAL SYSTEM ASND GET SOME DEAD PRESIDENTS IN OUR POCKETS!!!!!!!

-maybe Remy was right in editing me.

-Hell, maybe I should have told the store to keep the friggin' computer.

-Tony, "TWO of the most imposing figures in WCW wrestling will collide for the biggest prize in our sport!!!" That's right, the winner replaces Sullivan, then THEY get to explain why the show is almost back to pulling 1 shares across the 9-10 o'clock board.

-kicking things off, Disco Inferno comes out with the "Mamalukes" (why name themselves after a silly cartoon dog?)

-Tony says that the Internet has been BUZZING about the outcome between Sid and Tank Abbot. Wait a second, I thought the Internet was buzzing about THE RETURN OF HYATTE!!!!!!!! I'M BACK BABY AND THE WORLD CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Well, ALMOST all the Internet. SCOOPS has remained suspiciously quiet... but Al ALWAYS misses out on the big stories.

-Wrestling1 (or 1Wrestling, it's been a while for me) hasn't said much, but I'm sure Bob's still a bit ticked at me.

-Wrestleline hasn't said much either... but they probably are still a little red faced about promoting that "Wrestling Jesus" article even though everyone knows the truth now.

-Backstage, Lenny Lane and Lodi have a chat with "Miss Hand-cock" (boof-ingya), which resulted in some sort of cliffhanger. Handmemycock has a rather blank face doesn't she? I mean, she doesn't look vapid, she just has no character to it.

-I thought Lane and Lodi were supposed to be butt brothers? What happened to that again?

-Anyway... they come to the ring. Lenny is now called "Lane" and Lodi is now called "Idol"... shouldn't that mean that Lane be called "Enal"? Which is close enough for me to call him "Anal"? Idol and Anal?

-"Me Idol, you Anal".....BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA

-Lenny Anal.....oh God...I MISSED this....HAW HAW HAW HAW

-"Dear loser faced Hyatte, I would have hoped that you took your time off to develop some NEW material! Instead, it's back to the same old crappy non-jokes. You really have to talent. Scoops was right in getting rid of you're unfunny ass. And who cares about you getting laid... NOBODY! I didn't miss you while you were gone, do us all a favor and go away again so the Netcop can come over here and entertain us. You suck and the Netcop's rants rules! Signed `NoSoul'"

-for the record, there is nothing wrong with "idolizing" a little "anal". Hey, if she agrees, that bitch's a KEEPER!!!!!!

-Just don't do it after dinner...because things could get... messy. Well, it'll get messy anyway... but.. you know. Maybe you don't know? You ARE reading a WRESTLING recap and chances are that you've waited WEEKS for this. Chances are, you've never "idoled" a little "anal"....LOSERS!!!! DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING!!!!!!!!

-SCOOPS wouldn't have let a single word of this go through. NOW YOU SEE WHY I HAD TO SPLIT???? PEOPLE NEED THIS HIGH QUALITY ANAL MATERIAL!!!!!

-6 weeks for this?

-Anywho, "Thunder" clips explain that there is a history between these two teams. If an angle develops on "Thunder", yet it only pulls in a 1.7 share, is it REALLY an angle?

-The two teams start beefing. DINF gets on the microphone with Schiavone and Mouth Breather and announces that they are NOT the "Mamalukes", they are the "SNOOPYS" Oh now come on! Why pee on Herr Schultz's grave? How DARE they do some "Peanuts" material right after the guy dies!! That's LOW man, really, truly LOW!!

-I have that RARE "Peanuts" strip where Snoopy starts leading Woodstock and his family into Charlie Brown's oven... it's quite disturbing. Then Charlie Brown makes Linus choose between his blanket, or his sister Lucy. Lucy was just about to hit the oven when Shroeder shows up to show that both Lucy and the blanket is on his "list". Commandant Peppermint Patty ends up shooting Shroeder in the head. All that in four panels. Damn near destroyed Schultz's career. But then he built that Hockey rink and all was forgiven.

-Then DINF said that they were to be called the "Paisans". "Mamalukes" are idiots, "Paisans" are goodfellas. DeNiro is God, Rocky is King, Francis Albert once parted the Hudson River, and Lasagna is the Universal Solvent. No wonder Italians get ALL the babes!!

-Madden and DINF started to argue. It got loud and boisterous. "WHAT ARE TYOU DOING AT THE TABLE?? YOU'RE NOT AN ANNOUNCER? YOU DON'T GET A CHAIR? YOU'RE NOT ANNOUNCING TALENT!!!!! (well jeeze...would ANYONE put Madden in the same sentence as "talent"? Tony, yes. Heenan, definitely, Tenay, you bet'cha.)

-Suddenly, Miss Handcock (haw) showed up. Madden offered her some French Vanilla Ice Cream, which was funny. Then Madden told DINF to "shut up". In the real world, DINF should have knocked his newly shorn for TV head clean off.

-Handjob says something, Tony and Madden agree that all great tag teams need "managers", Madden suggested that she mange him and Tony, then Madden said that it's been a while since he was..."managed" by someone as good looking as Miss Handcock (Cue laugh track... suddenly, this show is being directed by James Burrows)

-I WOULD look into putting a bounty out on Mark Madden, but come on... like HE has procreated?

-This forgettable match was wrapped up when Miss Handcock did a dance on the tables. Referee Nick Patrick was thoroughly distracted. Tony had no problems emphasizing the "c-ck" in "Miss Handcock".

-"Hancock"? Sorry, she'll always have a Hand in her C-ck where I'm concerned.

-I wonder if Miss Handcock is going to manage "Anal" as well as "Idol". I mean, if she's going to manage Idol, she better damn well be able to handle Anal too!

-NO FEMALE WORTH HER SALT SHOULD AVOID ANAL!!!!! DAMMIT!!

-She does have incredible legs. Madden called it a "ratings grabber". Oh sure, from 8-9, they can grab all the rating they want. Because it's all over after 9.

-The Family Circus won. Then Big Vito invited Handcock to dance with them. She took them up on the offer. Friggin' Italians, next they'll invite her for a ride in their Iroq. Then they'll get her up to their place and put on a little Dino. Next thing you know, every hole the chick has will be stuffed with something. F-ing Italians.

-Suddenly, the Harris Brothers runs in and beat them up some Jerky. Again I ask, when these two boys are being pushed huge... is it a case of booking genius, or a sign of just how bad the Atlanta product has become?

-Not even 15 minutes into the show and I'm already 7 pages in... IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!!!

[Editor's Note: 3 pages actually. This isn't Scoops. We allow more than 3 viewable paragraphs per page (maybe that's why we're poor and they're rich?) I bet no one even notices.]

-Tony promises that tonight's sponsor, "Milky Way" is the BEST NEW CARAMEL CANDY BAR EVER!!!!! Dem's a bold statement to make!

-Never cared for Milky Way, OR the Three Musketeers! When I'm eating a long, brown object, I simply MUST have some NUTS!

-commercials

-Both Tony and Madden set up the night. Tony looks simply dashing. Madden looks like he's been getting his suits at K-Mart. Madden jerked his thumbs over his head in a Rob Van Dam move. Breathing DEEPLY as he did so (takes a lot of effort to defy gravity like that). First he rips off my Jesus article, then he rips me off by jumping sites, and I heard rumblings that he's been ripping off OTHER writers out there, plus his entire "Heel Announcer" schtick is a rip-off of Jerry Lawler, Bobby Heenan (WWF Days), and Jesse Ventura. Tell me, has he EVER had an original thought?

-Oh wait... mixing Bacon and Ice Cream for Breakfast, that was all HIS idea.

-Hey, if he wants to go on camera on my watch, then he'd best be prepared to be ragged on.

-Tony pushes the night... asking us to stop all conscious thought and concentrate on the upcoming Sid vs tank match. He called it the "BIGGEST main event match we've had in QUITE a while". (really? So, last week's Flair vs Hogan is now a midcard match Tony?)

-Madden sat there and remembered to breath through his nose... then he quickly forgot.

-Jarrett's fighting Vampiro. Should be a gas.

-Tony also said that Sting will be making an appearance tonight. Madden screamed "LIES". Then he ragged on Sting lamo movie career. Can't say I disagree with that.

-"Shutterspeed". I ALMOST watched it... only because it had Daisy Fuentes on and at the time I was in a pud pulling mood. Then I saw that Cinemax was running a soft core porno starring Lisa Boyle... problemo SOLVED!!

-Doesn't Madden look like a sitcom Dad coming home from his rat race job after a hard days work? Then the laughs begin!

-The "Kid Cam" (NOTHING LIKE GTV) spied Buff Bagwell being quickly rebuffed by Elizabeth. Lizzy's held up well over the years. You'da thought Randy would have pretty much ragged her ass OUT. Gentleness and Finesse: Thy names are NOT Randy Savage!

-Backstage, Flair and Luger saw this and plotted. Then they planned, then they strategized, then they plotted again. Dammit, I LIKE this new team and am NOT afraid to admit it. It's old school.

-Backstage, pre-taped, Bam Bam Bigelow explains why he thinks McCain will upset GWB in Texas. Hey, they man has a fireball tattooed on his head, HOW SMART DID YOU THINK HE WAS???

-Please...I'm begging you....let's put McCain and Bradley against each other. Let's have something DIFFERENT in the White House other than the same old Lifelong Political Creatures!

-commercials

-A special Nitro pre-Spring Break, On The Road, We Still Own the College kids, taped bit featuring the return of Riki Rachtman... who is looking WAY too old to be fraternizing with College kids. I've been away for 6 weeks, so I feel that it's my duty to recap this in full.

-Yeah well, guess again sparky. In case you didn't notice, I ain't much for "doing my duty"

-Tony asks us to "remember" what happened last week. Then realized that whatever "happened" had happened during the 9: o'clock hour. No fool he, Tony quickly sent us off to...

-Hulk Hogan. If it weren't for that tiny WCW logo on his do'rag, you'da thought this was taken during his WORST WWF days (right around the time he was fighting Saddam Hussein Slaughter). Total, complete, obsolete, "rassle" speak.

-He said that a dying Jimmy Hart gave him a vision of fighting Flair in an "Apple Pie Indian" Strap Match. Now, why piddle on the legacy of the great Apple Pie Tribe? HAVEN'T WE TAKEN ENOUGH FROM THE APPLE PIE INDIANS!!!!

-Jeeze, first we send them packing to a piece of land that couldn't grow mushrooms if Yokozuna shat on it for a year, THEN we take their Apple Pie recipe and make it part of OUR tradition, NOW Hogan is prostituting their mating rituals??? HOW MUCH MORE ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO TAKE???? WHERE'S KEVIN COSTNER TO PROTEST THIS????

-Yes, yes, I know... it's a reach.

-"Apple Pie Indian Strap match"... of course, seeing how both men seem to have some sort of filling in their boobs now, I guess the name makes sense.

-Hogan said the "Powers that Be" are on HIS side. Does he even BOTHER reading the company memos?

-Other than that, it was classic Hogan. Take it for whatever you think it's worth to you.

-I miss the "Bad Guy" Hogan. I especially miss him using "Voodoo Chile". That was a cool theme song.

-"Mean" Gene Okerlund brought out Ric Flair for a response. Madden shorted out his microphone after drooling all over it at the thought of some Apple Pie.

-Flair arrived at the ring with Luger and Elizabeth. Cameras spot two girls laughing too hard. They must be drunk. That, or they must have switched their dildos onto "Earthquake" mode.

-Flair pondered the burning question: "Who the Hell is Hogan going to strap when he has Hogan's weight belt?" Then screamed out, "HOGAN, HOGAN, WHOOOOOOO, HOGAN!!" He might be the ONLY man on the planet who could get away with just yelling someone's name over and over.

-Flair, "DON'T TELL ME WHICH CAMERA TO LOOK AT, IDIOT!! I'M RIC FLAIR!" Funny stuff. If it were ME, I'd intentionally look at the WRONG camera just to spite the director... but that's me... EVERYTHING'S a pissing contest with me.

-"HULK-A-MANIA IS DEAD!!!" well... duh.

-Then Luger got on the stick and talked about how he has only 4% body fat. It's all in his nose.

-Okerlund told Luger that Sting was very popular here in Minneapolis. Luger said that he was MORE popular when he was with the Police. Then asked Okerlund to turn on the red light. Whacked out show.

-They ragged down Buff Bagwell a little. Lex challenged him to a match. "You wanna hit on women? Try hitting on a six foot four, 270 pound, four percent bodyfat, of the Total Package!" (Wow... Luger too? We seem to be losing more and more guys every day).

-Luger talked smack of Minneapolis a little. Flair denied ever being born there. Luckily, they didn't keep great birth records during the Civil War, so there's no way to prove his heritage.

-Curt Hennig came out to defend his land. He said that we were knee deep in "Gopher Country"... (GOD BLESS FRED GRANDY!!) and challenged Flair to a match later tonight. Curt called himself the "Minnesota's greatest athlete". Kevin Garnett can cheerfully go F-himself. Chris Carter and Kevin McHale can follow suit.

-Flair said that he beat up Curt's father 20 years ago, so what the Hell. (WCW: The FUTURE is NOW!)

-Henning demanded that Flair show everybody his BLEEP... could be "package", or "gonads", or "cajones", or I don't know. It began with the letter "P" and ended in plural form. "Penis"?

-Then Hennig said that if he couldn't beat up Ric Flair, then he would streak down some main street. He was so excited to get the words "butt ass naked" on the air, that he flubbed the street name. Obviously, it was a main drag somewhere in Minneapolis, and obviously, he'll be naked. Of course, the first thing to come to my head is that Nitro won't BE in Minneapolis next week.

-Hennig should fight ALL his matches naked. He'll get the gay audience sown up!

-backstage, Captain Morgan Tenay talked to Booker about how Kidman was too busy messing with his "hoochie" to pay attention to his tag team match. Listen, if you and your Hoochie had to work in close proximity with a strapping Brother, YOU would pay a little extra attention to her too. "Baby, don't look at our Black friend with that huge bulge in his crotch, pay attention to me...ME!!!!!!"

-Anyway, Booker is sick of getting tuned on by all those "T"s, so he's gonna whup him a little Kidman ass. Then he give Torrie a little sump'tin special from the Hood. She'll never know what hit her.

-Backstage, Torrie and Kidman debate over who had the camera last. Kidman, "Are you SURE you looked in there?" Torrie, "Yes! I'm telling you the only things in there are my car keys and Flair's wedding band!"

-commercials

-They came back long enough for Madden to announce that this set of...

-commercials

-Is sponsored by Meinekee. Then he said, "What I want to say right now is..."

-commercials

-Screw it, I'm not above admitting when he pulls off a good one. I laughed.

-The Nitro Girls are in the ring as..

-Madden decided that he should fill up the air time by being obnoxious as Tony listened to something on his cell phone.

-Tony got off the phone and announced that "inside sources" informed him that Sting was IN the building. Madden's jaw hit the table (well, his belly) and never came back up.

-Is Sting popular enough anymore to be promoted as "making an appearance" and expected to draw folks away from RAW? Did that sentence make sense?

-I mean, sure, ten years ago... maybe. But now he's fat, lazy, and nowhere near as energetic as he used to be.

-Backstage, Okerlund greets Jeff Jarrett and his entourage of lovely ladies. He looks at the girls and says, "Ladies, it's good to see you back on your feet!" (PFFFTH SPITTAKE!! BA-DUM DUM RIM SHOT BY THAT OLD FOSSIL OKERLUND!!!)

-Honestly, that might have been his wittiest remark ever.

-Uh oh, Jarrett is pissed off. Don't piss Jarrett off. Too late.

-Jarrett called Okerlund "Slapnuts" and "Slappy". Jeeze, force it down our throats why don'cha.

-I haven't heard a catchphrase so forced since Bischoff tried to get "Bite Me" going.

-Geno sent it back to the boys, claiming that it's "sizzling" back there. Well, that's what happens when bald guys forget to get the pancake treatment on their domes before going under the hot lights. Fry an egg on Geno's frontal lobe and dig in kids!

-Booker comes out. He has no "T" anymore. I pity the poor fool.

-Booker is running things now? Wow.

-Kidman came out with Whatsertits? Smiles all around. Madden claimed to have been involved in a "strap match" with an NWO Girl, then said that she had "vertical aspirations and she'll use horizontal methods". The only time "Madden", "girl" and "strap" will be used in a sentence is on a Police report... let's get THAT straight!

-Sleeping with Madden to climb your way up? That's like sleeping with ME to get a writing gig at SCOOPS. (it could happen actually... really)

-Trust me, the only climbing you'll do by banging Madden is... well... finish this easy shot yourself.

-Madden says Torrie looks like "10 movie stars". I would HARDLY call Julie Aston, Shayla LaVeau, Jill Kelly, and Chasey Lane "movie stars", but they DID appear in "Orgazmo" and Spike Lee's "He Got Game".

-"Orgazmo"... you think those two South Park dinkwads just made that movie specifically so they could bang those girls? Well YES!! And God Bless `em for it too!

-I did see the "South Park" movie... finally. I have GOT to admit... the scene where it was all black, and all we heard was Saddam Hussein humping Satan's bunghole for a few seconds... that even shocked ME! That greasy, pumping sound... brrrrr.

-Let's see. Not to get all offensive here... but a Black guy, fighting a Jewish guy, with a VERY Blonde (Aryan) Charles Robinson as the Ref, in an arena FILLED with white folks. Umm... is this Hitler's birthday and if so, why is Atlanta based WCW celebrating it?

- "Dear NoSoul. You wanted him, well, now you can have him. Good luck with him, SUCKER!!!" signed Remy 'The Slammer' Artiega

-The Harris Boys ran in and caused the DQ before this match could even get going. It's a shame because this match could have really gotten good.

-By the way, Booker did his big Scissors kick on Kidman. Madden called it an "Ass kick". Stupid, stupid, AND unprofessional.

-By the way: part 2, Torrie took a tumble from the apron down to the floor. She seemed to really have injured her ankle. Well geeze, that's what she gets for wearing those spiked heels. Those suckers HURT and you can barely walk in them as it IS!

-Oh what? Yeah, I wear them from time to time. So what? It makes me feel pretty.

-Mean Gene tried not to piddle his pants while talking to the new "Harlem Heat". He failed.

-Clarence Mason offered Booker some "Pro Bono" work. Gene helped us rubes play along at home by saying, "A Freebie?". Mason said yes, then asked, "Isn't graffiti against the law?" Then laughed hysterically. I didn't get it. Must be a Hip Hop thing.

-Lash Laroiuaeious (with an "X" in there somewhere) said that Bradley might steal the Northeast, but Gore will end up with the Nomination. Oh Lord, I hope not.

-commercials

-Tony pushed some Body Building Expo featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold was seen and he told the camera, "I'm not dun with you yet, Treepull Aitch"... that's what WCW gets when they keep leeching off the WWF's marketing ideas.

[Editor's Note: You can spell Schwarzenegger but not Leroux?]

-They showcased some upcoming Wrestler with these HUMONGOUS Biceps. There goes Scott Steiner's gimmick, and I can't imagine Hogan being too pleased.

-Madden, "Tony!! Those arms! They can't be NATURAL!!!". Well, there's a nice can of worms you just opened on national TV... dumbass.

-I think his name was "Big Dick". Oye vey.

- "Mean" Gene talked to "Screaming" Norman Smiley. Norman is ticked off at Dustin Rhodes for betraying Terry Funk, so he challenged him to a Hardcore match.

-So, here is the deal as I see it. Kevin Sullivan and (probably) Terry Taylor got there heads together and decided that so long as Norman gets to wear local sports colors AND does that ass slap thingy, he will remain "over". So, they can lose that stupid, hilarious, "Keep winning even though he's completely out of his element" gimmick. Nice going fellas. I hope "Emirel Live" starts kicking your ass in the ratings.

-Oh Vince Russo... you were so STUPID. Not only did you abandon McMahon in the middle of the night like a stud bailing out on a floozy after a one night stand, but then you badmouthed him so much that he wouldn't take you back if he had a gun to his head. Now WCW is just waiting until they can fire you without being sued. Oh man, you dug your own grave, amigo... dumb, dumb, DUMB.

-I mean, how dumb is it to leave a job unannounced, then show up somewhere else badmouthing your former employers? Very brilliant there. Burn some MORE bridges while your at it.

-SCOOPS SUCKS

-*cough*

-The Three Count were in the ring. There's Evan, there's Shane, and there's Shannon. Evan, Shane & Shannon. Shane Shannon & Evan. Whoops, missed a comma there.

-*snort titter* I'm sorry, but it gets me every single time. Bwahahahahaaa

-Madden claimed that Britney Spears signed up for that "Date the Three Count" thing, and he has a half a mind to breed Britney with all three Counters to spawn the next generation of Pop stars. A: It's called White Slavery, B: It's illegal, and C: It shows just how perverted Madden is to be even thinking in those terms.

-I'll say it... MADDEN BEATS OFF TO "HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!!"

-

-

-Or, I would assume. No REAL proof. I could just be full of crap... probably am.

-Sorry, had to back off there. Cover my ass a little. You understand.

-Hey, who hasn't beaten off to Britney? I have!

-Brian Knobbs came out to interrupt Three Counts lip synching. Madden asked if Fit Finlay ever interrupted the Beatles? Then said that Fit shot Lennon. (My God... THEY GOT THE WRONG GUY!!!!! SOMEONE FREE MARK DAVID CHAPMAN RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!)

-Actually, Reagan and the CIA killed Lennon. It's common knowledge.

-Just so you know, I HAD a line about why Chapman couldn't have shot Yoko while he was at it. But I am editing myself. I DO have that ability, you know.

-Brian Knobbs came out...oh, I said that already. Tony boasted about the Brian Knobbs photo spread in the latest issue of the WCW Magazine. Madden said that he bought ten copies so he could have a big picture of Knobbs in each room of his house. I will ignore the obvious FAG line to point out that I will eat the contents of an unflushed toilet after Sean Shannon spends an entire day on it if Madden even HAS a house with 10 rooms in it.

-Madden is an apartment boy, through and through. Maybe a Condo.

-This is a Hardcore match for the Hardcore title. Evan challenged him to a 3 on 1 handicapped match. Knobbs said that he would be happy to shove all three of their heads up all three of their BLEEPS. Evan acted outrage. Shane Shannon (oops, forgot the damned "&") seemed quite eager to take him up on that.

-Knobbs swatted the boys around. Madden said that Three Count just won a Grammy. Of course, Three Count wasn't even INVENTED until after the Grammy nominations for this year were set, but Madden was too busy ordering to notice.

-Knobbs trashed the boys. Which came first? Knobbs and Finley's Camouflage outfits, or the Dudley Boy's?

-Evan was put through a table (weak ass shot). Then Shane and Shannon took turns hitting him with weapons off the ring apron. All three doggy piled on Knobbs and hit the pin. 3 guys now own one Hardcore title. Weirder things have been known to happen.

-I always thought that one guy winning the tag team belts would have been a peachy keen gimmick! But, that's why they pay me the no bucks.

-Knobbs chases the kids away as...

-Someone is crouching up on a rail delivering a monologue about how Jarrett will pay for whatever he's done. This person's face is a deathly white... Dear God, don't tell me it's Owen!! OWEN IS BACK AND HE'S HAUNTING WCW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Dustin is backstage, and he's WALKING (Is CRZ STILL using that line?)

-Outside, a bunch of goateed monkeys are chanting "SID, SID, SID". Jeeze, they ALL have goatees. Bunch'a sheep.

-Speaking of styles, I would have thought that Hawk's "reverse mohawk" style would have caught on after the dude spent 15 years pushing it. At LEAST during those crazy 80's. Shows what I know.

-commercials

-Brian Knobbs was on camera telling kids to stay in school. Only a select few folks like Brian are born Rocket Scientists, kids... he is NOT a role model!

-Backstage, Okerlund stuck a mic in Knobbs face and the bellowing commenced. Finlay piped in with something about bringing in a new "Dog" to take on all three Counters. They left it at that. Could be Rick Steiner, but it could also be Davey Boy Smith. Heaven knows, DBS needs to leave the WWF NOW! He can take the Big Show with him too.

-Oh let's face it. Wight AIN'T right in Titanland.

-Tony mused that perhaps when they talked about bringing the "dog", they meant "bringing out the intensity, bringing out the fire!" It doesn't get any more stupid than that.

-"Screaming" Norman Smiley came out as serious as a heart attack. Tony insisted that the "inside source" that told him over the phone that Sting was coming is someone who "never lets him down". (For the sake of gratitude and maturity, I will ignore the obvious "well, that leaves Al out" joke.)

-Oh I am just CRAPPING all over the hand that fed me so well. It's just a joke guys!!! I DO love you.

-Dustin Rhodes came out. Dressed as "Se7en". The man does NOT look happy. Nor would I if I no longer banged Terri.

-Well, nor would I if I was no longer welcomed back at Titan.

-Smiley started slapping Dustin's ass. Madden screamed, "THAT'S DEPRAVED, THAT'S DEPRAVED!!" The man just admitted to keeping pin ups of Brian Knobbs pasted on every room in his imaginary house.

-Dustin is now the "American Dream 2000". Didn't the "American Dream 2000" used to be the faggy Goldust? Am I the only one to see that connection?

-Dustin whacked Smiley around some. Madden, "GO GET HIM DREAM!!! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!!" Now he's ripping off Shane McMahon too. The guy's more amalgamated then a DC/Marvel crossover.

-Dustin won with a flying clothesline. Then he took Smiley's helmet and knocked him in the gonads. Dillenger charged and made mean eyes at him. Dillenger has an entire YEAR to build his power up for the upcoming... the upcoming... ohhh maybe not.

-Madden calls the slo mo replay as the world keeps flipping to see if RAW started yet. Then Chuck Norris starts singing over the credits, and the world decides to wait it out. So long Nitro. You gave us NOTHING to keep us from switching!

-coming up next, Jeff Jarrett vs the Ghost of Owen Hart.

-Nick Patrick wants us to vote Gore across the boards. Probably because he looks so damn natty in those Earth tone colors.

-commercials

-Jeffery Jarrett comes out. He is WCW Biggest star right at the moment.

-Madden says Jarrett gave him his job. Wasn't believable the first time he made that claim.

-Highlights show all the folks Jarrett's walloped. I wonder if he pictures Jim Ross's face on all of them?

-When did he hit Nash? When did the NWO break up?

-Tony says Jarrett was fined $10'000 for all those guitar shots. Madden says that Jarrett tips more then $10'000 a week. If he was so rich, then why is he still running around a ring sweaty and half naked grappling with other sweaty and half naked guys? Hmm?

-Owen's ghost came out...oooh, Jeff should have NEVER worked the match right after he passed on. HE DIDN'T PAY ANY RESPECT AND NOW HE MUST PAY!!!!!!!!

-Oh... it wasn't Owen's spirit. It was Vampiro. My bad. I apologize.

-Jarrett shoved Vampiro. Vampiro shoved back and knocked him down. Now, is this any way to avoid pissing him off?

-Uncensored is 20 days away, according to a graphic Kyron that showed up every so often. Your heart must be DEAD if you ain't inspired to run to the phone and call your cable and/or satellite company now! YOU ONLY HAVE 20 DAYS TO ORDER THE BIGGEST PPV IN THE HISTORY OF THE MILLENNIUM PEOPLE!!!!!

-Jarrett had Vampiro outside and was tossing him around.

-Jarrett hits the top rope flying bodycross. Madden claimed that it was tough to concentrate with Tank vs Sid barely an hour away. Anyone reading this REALLY see Madden as a heavy thinker, in general?

-well, sure. When he's thinking about what to get on his Pizza. Then the synapses start firing!

-Vampiro reversed that high cross body, by the way.

-Jarrett with the back body drop. Vampiro monkey flips to his feet. Schiavone points the move out correctly. Madden, "A WHAT?" Tony (quite annoyed), "It's called a Monkey Flip". Madden, "Okay. Be careful of that one!" Oh Mark, you are SUCH a riot! I can barely breathe I'm laughing so hard!

-I can't believe Samuda was actually PROUD to have this guy on board.

-Jarrett with the Sleeper hold. Vampiro reverses it. Go Behind by Jarrett. Rock Bottom by Vampiro. Pin attempt. Kickout. THIS IS WHY WCW RULES THE RATINGS!!!!!!

-Sunset Flip by Vampiro. Kickout.

-Then the Harris Boys run in, but since Vampiro fought them off and they did nothing to help Jarrett, he wasn't DQed

-Sid ran out and chased the Harris Boys away.

-Jarrett hits Vampiro with his US belt and scores the pin.

-WRONG!!! Vampiro kicked out. Everyone's shocked.

-Madden called Jarrett "the best wrestler in WCW." Doesn't he say the SAME EXACT THING about Kidman? IN THE SPACE OF 30 MINUTES HE CONTRADICTS HIMSELF??

-Vampiro climbs the top rope and goes for an Alabama Jam. THIS'LL BE THE UPSET OF THE YEAR!!! WCW: YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT'LL HAPPEN NEXT!!!!

-Jarrett got out of the way and then hit the Stroke Out (I think). He took the pin. It took them 4 weeks to come up with a decent match like this.

-Backstage, the Mamadukes give some WCW Official a package to give to the Harris brothers. OOh, Storyline City in a company FILLED with them!

-Outside, a bunch of fans start chanting "SID, SID, SID" Just goes to show that ALL the popular stars work for WCW!

-commercials

-This is so typical of WCW's luck. The WWF has two biographies reaching the number 1 best seller list, published by Reganbooks (I think). Meanwhile, poor Dallas Page has to sell his book online or by dialing a phone number.

-Let's face it. The books you HAVE to read are by the guys who now HATE wrestling and everyone involved. Foley's rep wouldn't allow it, The Rock's career is too early, and Page is much too nice. We have to wait for the book by someone who was burned by EVERYONE!

-Hogan'll write a book and you KNOW he'll trash everyone. Savage too.

-coming soon, "Inside SCOOPS: An Unauthorized account of Internet Wrestling Journalism by Chris Hyatte" I plan on burning EVERYONE.

-Chapter 12: The Great Ryder Phone Number Incident

-Chapter 16: How I drove Sean Shannon to suicide

-meanwhile, more fun with Riki Rachtman and kids half his age. They should have just scrolled "PLEASE SWITCH TO THE COMPETITION" across a blank screen for the same results.

-commercials

-during the break, Fit Finlay attacked Vampiro backstage. Ahh, feuds booked for no real reason at all, gotta love the Old School ways of bookmaking.

-The Nitro Girls were interrupted by a dancing David Flair. Daffney came out and fumed at him. He turned on the sweet talk, slapped her ass a little, and planted a few wet ones. They have GOT to be dating in real life, that ain't "gimmicked" kissing.

-The Artist formerly Known as Prince Iakuea came out. We are told that not ONLY is this a WCW Cruiserweight match, but it's a very special "Night of Champions" edition of Nitro. They waited until RAW was WELL underway to announce this?

-Crowbar joined the Announce team and displayed the clearest, most articulate voice WCW has EVER had.

-Why... oh WHY does Sullivan have such a boner for this douchebag?

-Oh I am NOT dealing with this. Goodbye.

-I think this is where we saw Sid out cold with a broken guitar found nearby. I forget. I DO remember that Tony REFUSED to speculate as to you attacked Sid, but he had an idea. Oh yes, he had an idea.

-commercials

-Jarrett and the Harris Boys receive their gift from the Mamalukes. It was a dead fish. Uh oh, someone's gonna be wearing some concrete galoshes!

-Speaking of dead fish, where is Madusa?

-Mean Gene Okerlund says that Sid Vicious's Doctor has ordered Sid NOT to take part of any strenuous activity. (well, that's never been a problem for Sid yet... BA-DUM-DUM THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!!)

-Sid came out and said that he laughs at the Doctor's orders. What do they know? They've only been trained specialist who spent the first 26 years of their lives in school, learning about the human body! They've never had to work on a farm, or clobber a softball 350 feet! WHAT DO DOCTORS KNOW ABOUT STRENUOUS ACTIVITY??? THIS IS WCW DAMMIT... WE WRESTLE!!!!!

-The Maestro took on Ernest Miller. Oh I am NOT dealing with this. Goodbye.

-We see Curt Hennig, Ric Flair, and Lex Luger getting ready for their scenes. Luger can't find "the Bat". Isn't he talking to her?

-Kidman invited us all to throw our votes away and vote for Alan Keyes. Let's REALLY shake things up!

-commercials

-Ric Flair came out. Finally, the Booking has come BACK to Flair Country!

-Curt Hennig came out. I am reminded of the time on RAW where Owen Hart happily put Bob "Sparkplug" Holly over in front of friends and family in his homestate of Alabama. One can only hope Flair displays the same character and gives the hometown fans a treat by allowing Curt to stand TRIUMPHANT in the ring when the bell rings!!!!!

-The bell rings, they lock up. Uncensored is 20 days away. You have no excuses people.

-Hennig chopped Flair across the chest. Hennig's been chopping people since he was in diapers. Madden claimed that this was a new move on his part.

-Hennig drops his knee across Flair's knee. Flair went into his, "OH GOD NO!!!" salesmanship. A wee bit early for that, don't you think?

-THUMB TO THE EYE BY FLAIR!! MY GOD, HE'S A CREATIVE GENIUS!!!!

-Flair to the top ropes. Hennig catches him and throws him off. MINNESOTA IS IN FOR A TREAT AS FLAIR DOES THE RIGHT THING!!!

-The Ref is knocked out. Hennig-plex. IT'S OVER!!! FLAIR DID THE JOB LIKE A MA....

-Luger ran in and clotheslines Hennig.

-Flair kicks Hennig in the nuts and fell on top of him. Hennig is humiliated in front of his hometown. Plus, Hennig's getting naked next week.

-Maybe Flair is better off being kept down by Bookers who don't care for him.

-Flair strapped Hennig a little.

-Backstage, Meng refuses to vote on the grounds that it makes him eligible for Jury Duty. But he DID say that he might skip RAW to watch Tank vs Sid. That's team spirit, dammit!

-commercials

-More (total opposite of) fun with Riki Dickman. He USED to be called "Rikki" but seeing how "Rikishi" is so over, they figured every little subtle gesture might help.

-The Total Package came out. When the sands of time blow away, and we reflect on this dark, dark time in WCW. Please remember that returning Luger to an arrogant, cocky, Heel was one of their few BRIGHT spots.

-Madden boasted about having 44% bodyfat. Hey Ladies, he's not gay either!

-Buff Bagwell came out. Is he still in the doghouse?

-Luger attacks early because action = ratings!

-Buff with a pair of dropkicks. He still ends up outside.

-Luger with the Double Axe handle on the top of his head! My God, how can Buff take this?

-Buff gets worked over on top of the Announce Table. Madden praises the "take no prisoners, do or die approach to wrestling that you can ONLY find on WCW Monday Nitro!!!"

-I wonder... do WCW Announcers watch RAW and get depressed? Tony has told me in the past that he doesn't have the time to watch it, and I have no reason to doubt his word on that. But what about Tenay? Or Heenan?

-Of course Madden does. How else can he rag on them in his columns?

-Luger with the Camel Clutch, or, as I like to call it... "The Fudge Packer"

-Let someone hop on your back for a few minutes and you'll know why.

-Buff with a series of clotheslines, followed with a neckbreaker!

-Luger fights back, but Buff has momentum!!

-Buff with the PIN... foot on the ropes... DAMMIT!

-Flair is out. Buff cleans house!

-Buff with a Jumping DDT on Luger. UPSETS GALORE RULE WCW BABY!!!!!

-Wrong. Flair gets a crotch shot in and causes the DQ. BOOO, HISS, BOOO

-Then, STING IS OUT!!!! STING HAS RETURNED!!!!!!

-Luger is shocked!!! Luger is whacked with the baseball bat!!! Luger, Liz, and Flair bail out!

-STING IS BACK!!! STING IS BACK!!!! ALL IS RIGHT WITH WCW!!!! STING IS BACK!!!!

-Oh shut up. Can't I mark out a LITTLE just to remind you that this is all about good guys vs bad guys? Virtue vs Malice? Heaven vs Hell? Angels vs Demons?

-Sid is backstage, ranting about something.

-Tank Abbott is backstage. Thinking about getting a case of Bud and starting bar fights

-commercials

-Tank Abbott rides out on his Motorcycle. He's taking this VERY seriously!

-Sid stomps out and punches a few fists. If he breaks yours, sue him for a bundle!

-Sid hits the rings and Tank goes right for his taped up ribs. Why is Sid's ribs taped?

-Tank screams, "YOU'RE GOING TO SLEEP SID!!" Then wraps him up in a front face lock.

-It's too near the ropes, the Ref eventually gets him to break it.

-Tank picks up Sid and jams him down. Sid is sucking heavy wind, although it could be Madden we hear.

-Tank steps on Sid's back, then goes for a rear chinlock.

-Tony calls tank's actions "despicable". Madden goes, "Well, you say `tomato' (too-MATE-oe), I say `tomato' (too-maa-toe)". I don't know ANYONE who calls it "too-maa-toe". Do you?

-Tank gets Sid in a corner, then puts his forehead against Sid's and starts yelling. Madden is REALLY wheezing.

-Tank says, "Night night buddy!" then starts body punching away.

-NO offense from Sid. This looks eerily like a shoot. Or Sid just can't adapt to a different style.

-Sid gets a sleeperhold on Tank. Tank fights.

-Sid changes it into a Crossface! Tank fights.

-Tank taps.

-Tank loses. Tony screams, "SID HAS WON THE DAMN THING!"

-the show ends.

What a dopey show. They should have set Tank up as a huge force, then let Goldberg rough him up. I would have enjoyed that.

RAW wins. RAW has yet to lose this year. The only good thing about Nitro is that it's only two hours now. Can you imagine Madden working a 3 hour show? He'd start eating Tony's tie in the last 10 minutes!

Big closer. Because I love making you click the "next" icon 50 times to get the full column. HAW!!

If you doubt anything I have ever said to you, do not doubt this... I was gone for over 6 weeks. Not only gone, but completely closed off from the Internet. I have not read, written, or communicated with ANYTHING on the World Wide Web for as long as the time between this column and my last (with the exception of the last few days, which I did go on ICQ a little). What I DO know is a few odds and ends that I've heard on ICQ, and from NoSoul during the occasional phone call, including the fact that some Scoops Writers invaded the ScoopThis mailboard the week I came aboard. I don't know what they said, just that many were cool, while others were not.

[Editor's Note: Would it kill you to actually read what's on our site once in a while?]

One of those others is Jay Kirell.

I didn't read what he said, but I know the tone. I debated about even commenting on this, because, let's face it, this guy ranks below even Sean Shannon in terms of Internet Fame (the irony being, 99% of Sean's fame is because of me). But I decided that I can't let this slide. Jay wants to be mentioned in this column? Fine, here we go. Full treatment.

This is another long ass tale about someone I used to work with., if you don't care about it... then go away now. I can't blame you.

For the last 2 and a half years, Jay Kirell's main goal in life was/is to be an "Online Superstar", to be some sort of personality beyond compare. He would do anything to get it. Early into his Scoops career, I saw that he was trying to be unique, so I threw him a bone and told him that he was "One of the best columnists we got". It was around the same time that I said that Sean Shannon had more guts than any other web guy out there. Much like Sean, Jay kept bringing that comment up. Boasting about it as if it was a blessing from God himself. Flattery not-withstanding, I felt funny about it. The kid seemed to be taking me a little too seriously. But whatever.

When Kirell first came onto Scoops, he immediately started to bitch about how nobody read him. Oh, he spent hours on his column, honing it, crafting it, doing wild, crazy, INNOVATIVE things... that nobody paid attention to. He will tell you that he is the FIRST columnist to do a list of the top 200 wrestlers working today and how it took him 76 hours to do it. He will tell you about how he orchestrated the first "Columnist Heel Turn" where he turned into a bad guy before our very eyes. He will tell you about how he lampooned me with a satirical Mop-Up that really burned my ass OUT! Or how he got a few other writers to allow him to "take over" their columns much like the NWO took over Nitro. Oh yes, it was all very, very innovative. So long as "innovative" means stealing someone else's ideas.

So, I thought I would be friends with him. Even after he lampooned the Mop-Up and goofed on me. F-It. I can take a joke. Even as he went online as Al Isaacs and got other Scoops Writers to talk shit about him (Al wasn't to happy with that... in fact, up until my last conversation with him, Al was NEVER too happy with Kirell's work. But since Jay is so adept at sucking Al's ass until brown stuff leaks out, Al's keeping the kid around. Don't believe me? All I know is that EVER phone conversation I've ever had with Al Isaacs has involved what a waste of online space Kirell is.) I was nice to him. I even tried to get him involved in my feud with the NWWWO. It tanked out because he was no good at it. He was intimidated by the wordpower of Sean Shannon. Chew on that for a minute.

After a while, I got a little tired of it. You see, EVERY SINGLE COLUMN he had ever written involved me in some way. EVERY SINGLE COLUMN was another way to glom onto my coattails. It was like, read the Mop-Up, then read Kirell for part II! I was getting sick and tired of it. I mean, if I like your stuff, I'll push it, but after a while, the push ends and you have to succeed on your own. Mr. Innovation didn't seem to get it, in fact he kept right on with it until one column where he decided to critique my work and deemed that I needed a break. A breather. Then, I saw him on AOL IM (where he acted like it was two Great Masters finally meeting.... n-word PLEASE) and I basically told him to F -himself and the horse he rode in on. Then I cut all ties with him. I figured it was over.

For the most part, it was. Oh, he'd throw a few inside shots at me, which I ignored. I took a couple weeks off for one reason or another (might have been my car accident) that he immediately took credit for, claiming to have "run me off the Web". He also got it in his head that I was involved in some sort of "inside" feud with him. I wasn't. I found it very easy to NOT read his work. He kept on doing stupid "Innovated" stuff like becoming the "Corporate Columnist" and doing a second column as "Anthony Clifton", basically pissing all over Andy Kaufman's legacy by doing a cheesy column as the voice of Kaufman's alter ego. Believe me, Al REALLY didn't care too much for that. Oh yeah, it was all VERY fresh stuff.

Of course, he showed up at RAW one night with a sign that read "HYATTE & BJC: TOGETHER?" But I was the one who wanted to get back together again...I was the kiss ass here... oh yeah... okay.

Then there was the "Bizarro Scoops" e-mail idea he presented to all the writers where for one week, everyone would do someone else's column. It degenerated into a HUGE flame war that Al himself had to step in and squash. But pretty much everyone who got the e-mail agreed that it was just his way of getting to write my column. Even Freakboy, his best friend, said so. The "Innovator" was just trying to glom off someone else's work again.

So, I ignored him and he got it in his head that it was over. He was like a chick who was just dumped. It took him a while, but it got through. So, he continued being "Innovative" and "Original". Disappearing for weeks, only to come back and have no one notice. He's quick to brag about having interviewed Mick Foley, said interview consisting of Foley rambling on for pages and Jay stepping in with the occasional "yeah", "uh huh", and "yeah" again. A regular Barbara Walters, that guy.

Towards the end of my SCOOPS stay, right around the time I got those three awards from ScoopThis, Kirell tried one last time to reach out and be friends. I responded with the standard letter I gave ALL Scoops writers who dared talk to me... "Who are you again?". (To this day, only Rich in KC saw the humor in it and shot back a funny response.) Kirell took it seriously, and I would assume his columns afterwards took a few more shots at me than usual. Like I said, I never read them.

Then I left, and showed up here. Well, Kirell didn't like that one bit. He came out SCREAMING about how he's the number 2 reporter behind Al (a "reporter" is an objective informer of the news. Other than Al, Scherer, and Samuda, there are NO "reporters" on the Net. Let's get that fact straight right now). How he "broke the record" for hits during a month or two, (well, many of those months I had 3 columns rated against everyone else's four... but let's not let THAT fact get in the way of propaganda). How.. how.. well, I don't know. I didn't read it. I wasn't HERE to defend myself. This is just what I was told.

side note.. for the longest time, Rich In KC was beating the pants out of everyone on a month to month basis...myself included. BUT, my RAW and Nitro recaps were being counted separately. Plus, once I became the Online Favorite Columnists [at the ScoopThis.com Best of the Net '99 Awards], I was pulling something like 140'000 readers a month. Of course, at the time Scoops had started breaking up my columns into 12 pages. So any EXACT reading is impossible.

You know the REAL reason why he sounded off against me? Right? It's obvious if you think about it. Kirell is scared. Scared of the SCOOPS withOUT me there. Think about it. Now that I am DEFINITELY not going to be there anymore, do YOU have a burning desire to check it out anymore? Of course, Al is an institution now. He will always be a "must read" to everyone. I still consider him a friend, and would like to talk to him some day, after a while when all this blows over. But after Al, why visit SCOOPS? When I was there, there was a REASON to scan down and read something else. Is there one anymore? You tell me. Maybe there is and I'm full of crap? Happens from time to time.

But'cha know what... they lost their bite. They lost their killer edge. Scoops is a great site, it just used to be a wee bit better. And they have NO writers on board that can replace me... Kirell thought he could, and for a little bit of time, I allowed him to harbor that thought. Well stop harboring son, let me set you straight. I want you OFF my ass, I'm fresh out of shit for you to lick. No more! You haven't the charisma, the wit, or the skill to be interesting, no matter what sort of "innovations" you come up with. You write for PWI... stick with it. They don't want colorful people, they want people who will shove the kayfabe down the reader's throat until they gag. You are untalented, annoying, and a horrible communicator. Every single letter I've ever gotten about you has been about how crappy you are. You've been at Scoops for 2 years and STILL nobody has heard of you. How does that feel? Al might write to you and tell you that I'm full of shit, but it's only because he wants everyone to be happy. He knows what he told me, I know what he told me..and it will NEVER change. I'm sorry I had to drag Al's name into this, but it's your fault. You had to get yourself involved in my life one last time. So keep sucking up to SCOOPS on the mailboard... go ahead. I did it because I was proud to help build the site up to a point where it COULD be profitable. You can NEVER make that claim. Nobody EVER came to Scoops to see what Kirell had to say. Nobody noticed when you were there, and nobody noticed when you weren't. You wrote about witnessing a car crash and people laughed. You talked about your girlfriend getting hit with a bottle at Nitro and people yawned. Nobody cares about your worthless ass. I defended Scoops out of loyalty and pride. You have to do it to keep writing for the site. Suck ass. Little piece of Shit. Good luck getting attention now doucheyboy.

Oh yeah, and to the readers... don't even bother reading his column for a reply. They'll edit it right out. Anything else he has to say will be little discreet remarks that he'll sneak past the editors. Then you'll be stuck reading his wit and wisdom on wrestling... and Lord knows he has nothing very "innovative" to say.

Not that it matters. You see, I wrote maybe 6 editions of my straight column called "And Another Thing". He's done dozens of columns. I'll match any ONE of my columns against his entire portfolio, and I'll win! I entered HIS element and kicked his loser, jealous ass. No talent c-sucker. He can't do ANYTHING I can't do better!

Except kissing ass. He's got me beat in the brown nosing department.

That's the final word on Jay Kirell. Never again. I loved hearing about how he decided to "bury the hatchet" with me, even though I was never around to deal with it in the first place. What's the matter kiddo? Get a little nervous once it was announced that I was coming back.

Now he'll have to do it all on his own without me. I'll give you an inside tip... HE CAN'T!

DIE! Nobody will notice. Nobody will care.

You're a suckjob... your career at Scoops is based on it.

FU** face.

I'll see you all in six weeks...BOOOYAAAA

This is Hyatte (miss me?)