Interview ... by Chris Hyatte
The Godfather No set up, no hyperbole. After arriving in Mexico, getting blindfolded, and being driven around for miles and miles, I finally secured the first subject for the premiere edition of the: And in case you couldn't get the clues...I give you...VILLANO I (The Godfather):
MU: Well, thank you for allowing this inteview. I realize that you are a busy man.
Villano: Yes I am.
MU: It must be tough to run a CRIMINAL GLOBAL CARTEL!!!!!! on a daily basis.
Villano: There is no need to yell.
Villano: Well what?
MU: I asked you if it was tough to run a CRIMINAL....err, I mean criminal globel cartel on a daily basis.
Villano: I do no such thing
MU: Yes you do!
Villano: No I don't.
MU: Do too
Villano: Do not
MU: Oh fine. Let's go on to something else. How many VILLANOS are there anyway.
Villano: I will never reveal that.
MU: Why not?
Villano: Because the VILLANOS subscribe to the practice of walking single file...to hide our numbers. How can you put up a reasonable defense when you are unsure of our number?
MU: Whoa...where did you learn that? From Sun Tzu's "The Art of War"? From Rommel, the Desert Fox? From Napolean?
Villano: No..from the movie "Star Wars". Those Sand People knew their stuff.
MU: Does that mean that you guys are easily startled, but soon return and in greater numbers?
Villano: Boy, I'd advice you to hold your toungue or I shall be forced to slice it off and feed it to the turtles!
MU: There are turtles in Mexico?
Villano: No, we import them from Florida's Everglades
MU: Interesting. How old are you anyway?
Villano: I am about 50 years old.
MU: How many kids do you have?
Villano: I just told you that I would never reveal the VILLANO numbers.
MU: noooo, if you just tell me how many children you have...that can't reveal the full number of the "familia".
Villano: Excuse me white man..but if you mispronounce "familia" again...I will be forced to insert something large and pointy into your anal cavity.
MU: Uhh..that line would have worked better last week....when I discussed hair metal bands of the 80's.
Villano: I won't even pretend to know what that means.
MU: You have read my column right?
Villano: I have been briefed about it....I am too busy to read it. I need a quick synopsis of what happened Monday night...not a novel.
MU: I've been told that.
Villano: I DO however, appreciate the kindness and reverence that you give us. That is why I have agreed to this interview.
MU: I just thought that everyone should understand what it is that you represent.
Villano: Yes. Now how about a question.
Villano: No you idiot. You ask ME a question.
MU: Oh right. How many children have you fathered. Since you have many nephews, nieces, grandchildren, and friends working for you, it won't reveal anything.
Villano: Very well. 170. (at this point, I blasted him with a mouthfull of Tequila....it was the classic spittake at the WORST possible time. It took quite a bit of apoligizing and pleading to spare my life...then we continued the conversation)
MU: You just told me that you fathered 170 children.
MU: WITH THE SAME WOMAN?
MU: Oh thank God.
Villano: Your welcome
MU: Excuse me?
Villano: You just thanked me.
MU: I just thanked God, not you
Villano: There's a difference?
MU: Are you sure your not Hulk Hogan under that mask?
Villano: Many would consider me their GOD.
MU: Such as??
Villano: Rey Mysterio Jr and his.....(snicker)...army.
MU: Yes, why don't you tell me about that.
Villano: What is there to tell? They got out of line and was quickly and resoundingly slapped back into place.
MU: Why did he even bother trying?
Villano: Because he is a cocky little sh&%! Just because he can jump around like a boy with a cattle prod up his tushy doesn't mean squat. He is a little "cucharacha"!
MU: By the way...why would he even go after you if you are NOT running a CRIMINAL GLOBEL CARTEL!!!!! as you claim.
Villano: Your yelling again.
MU: oh, sorry.
Villano: No problem.
MU Anywhoo...it's something like "anyHOW", just worded differently.
Villano: aye caramba.
MU: ahem...answer the question.
Villano: What question?
Villano: Oh right. You asked me about this alleged CRIMINAL GLOBEL CARTEL!!!!!!! that I supposingly run.
MU: Now your yelling.
Villano: I'm allowed. It is my right. It is my privilege.
MU: I see.
Villano: Many claims have been leveled against me in recent months. I would like to address them.
MU: Please do.
Villano: I think I will.
MU: Go ahead.
Villano: I shall.
MU: The floor is yours.
Villano: You may shut up now.
Villano: Some say that I am the head of an organized organization.
MU: Organized organization?
Villano: Don't start gringo...I could make it very difficult for you to leave Mexico.
Villano: Very smart. Now, while I am flattered that anyone would think me capable of running such and organization, the truth is that I am a simple man, who earns meager wages.
MU: Doing what?
MU: What do you do?
Villano: I earn meager wages.
MU: Doing what?
MU: Oh come on....What work do you do that earns you those meager wages?
Villano: I sell these masks that I wear with my bretheren. Why else do you think we wear the fu&%$*# things?
MU: ahhhh..that makes sense. Even though it's a TOTAL LIE!!
Villano: What do you mean? Are you calling me a liar?
MU: Nope, I didn't call you anything. I just doubt the authenticity of that statement.
Villano: But don't you Internet people lie about everything?
MU: Not all of us, but some do.
Villano: I thought you all did...and when they lie, everyone else believes them.
MU: Not at all, if someone makes an outrageous claim, and sticks with it, people will probably see right through it.
Villano: Oh I see, like when NoSoul claims that his site gets more readers than SCOOPS. Who would believe that?
MU: No one as it turns out...but that is another story.
Villano: Very well.
MU: Now, do you really think that I'm going to let you get away with that lie about being a "mask salesman"?
Villano: Oh, can't we just go on to something else?
MU: No we can't
Villano: Sure we can.
Villano: Can too
MU: Oh for...got any more Tequila? I need a snort. And that pretty much ruined things for THAT day. The good news is that I had him for TWO days and got a BOATLOAD of more stuff. Next week, he'll be discussing the likes of Bischoff, Vince, La Parka, the Luchadors, ECW, and other stuff. You'll LOVE it..or you'll hate it. Either way..you'll READ it..because you can't help yourselves. This is Hyatte.