Interview Part 2 ... by Chris Hyatte
The Godfather So here it is...day two of my little visit to the homebase...and things went a bit more smoothly....well, sort of:
MU: Well, I'm waiting.
MU: Where is he?
Villano: "He" is right here.
MU: You are not the guy I talked to yesterday.
Villano: Yes I am.
MU: No you're not.
Villano: I beg to differ.
MU: What the hell is going on here?
Villano: Please explain yourself white man? What's the problem?
MU: Well, your mask is different for starters .
Villano: I am not allowed to change my wardrobe? That punkass Mysterio Jr. does it all the time!
MU: But there are other changes in you..
Villano: Such as?
MU: You seemed to have shrunk about 5 inches.
Villano: I sometimes wear platform shoes, I was wearing them yesterday....VIVA LA 70'S!!!!
MU: And you have seemed to be about 30 years younger.
Villano: I lather on the "Oil of Olay" before bedtime.
MU: Then there is the pitch black pony tailed hair you are sporting....yesterday you had grey hair cut short.
Villano: I visited the hairdresser last night after I spoke with you.
MU: YOU WERE WITH ME ALL NIGHT?
Villano: Not ALL night.
MU: Yes you were......oh yeah..there was that Senorita you set me up with.
Villano: There you go..
MU: But I was only with her for about 5 minutes.
Villano: And you're proud of that accomplishment?
MU: Well...no...but in my defense...she was a TAMALE!!!
Villano: Careful homeboy, that's my daughter you are speaking of..
MU: Your daughter?
MU: Even though she now seems about 5 years older than you?
Villano: VIVA LA OIL OF OLAY!!!!
MU: Okay, okay...so you claim that it took only 5 minutes with a hairdresser to give you long, luxurious black hair?
Villano: When the hairdresser's family owes you dinero...it's amazing what she can accomplish.
MU: Did she give you that thick beard too?
Villano: No, I lathered on the Rogaine along with the Oil of Olay.
MU: And it worked OVERNIGHT??
Villano: Yes. Great stuff. If I remember, I'll send a case to Hogan one day.
MU: That does not explain the weight loss though. The man I was speaking to yesterday was about 50 pounds heavier.
Villano: That Richard Simmons is a miracle worker.
MU: You are claiming that an overnight drop of 50 lbs. is because of....DEAL A MEAL??
Villano: But of course..
MU: Oh come on...
Villano: Where are we going?
MU: Forget it. Let's see if I can get this straight; over the course of one night, you have de-aged, lost weight, grew hair, AND shrunk in size.
Villano: Yes, I am a VILLANO.
MU: Alright, let's put all the cards on the table.
Villano: What cards? For that matter, what table ?
MU: It's an expression.
MU: You are NOT Villano I ! Are you not in fact Villano X (The Public Relations Expert)?
Villano: I am not.
MU: You are too.
Villano: Am not.
MU: Are too.
Villano: Do you really want to do this again? Instead of questioning my word, why don't we plow ahead and finish this thing. I am a busy man.
MU: You know what, we should. Okay, let's finish this.
Villano: Oh Thank Villano
MU: Shouldn't that be thank Go....you know what, never mind.
Villano: Smart gringo.
MU: Since I have a plane to catch...let's get to it. I'll give you a name and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.
Villano: Hyatte sucks.
MU: Excuse me?
Villano: That was the first thing that came to my mind.
MU: But we haven't started yet?
Villano: WILL YOU GET TO IT FOR VILLANO'S SAKE!!!
MU: okay okay....Eric Bischoff.
Villano: Right place, right time, right wallet.
MU: Where have I heard that before?
Villano: Okay, fine...so I stole that from Jeff Jarrett....or perhaps he stole it from me, eh? The truth is that Mr. Bischoff is a smart man, and is a key player in the Villano American Invasion.
MU: And you still claim to be selling masks right?
Villano: Of course, The Villanos are first and foremost Capitalists.
MU: Funny, I thought you were Unorthodox Jews.
Villano: I'll ignore that.
MU: So you say that Bischoff is a willing participant in the Villano American Invasion?
Villano: I don't recall saying "willing"
MU: So he doesn't know what you are up to when you leave the ring?
Villano: Of course not...he is too consumed watching the WWF programming and berating Vince McMahon out loud whenever he appears on the television screen.
MU: You have witnessed this?
Villano: Yes, it's embarrassing. He also reads his fan mail.
MU: HE GETS FAN MAIL?
Villano: Yes, at least two letters a month.
MU: Whoa! Speaking of which, Vince McMahon.
Villano: Missed his chance to be part of the "Revolution".
MU: You had called him with an offer?
Villano: Yes, but he wanted to change our names to "Los Boricuas"...that was NOT happening anytime soon.
MU: And yet, he gave that moniker to Savio Vega and his friends.
Villano: A source of endless giggling around the dinner table. Savio and his "gang" used to be our cooks.
MU: They were?
Villano: Yes, but Miquel's body hair kept falling into our Guacamole. We had to fire them. Some months later, Los Boricuas were born.
MU: How about "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan.
Villano: Ahh..the master Thespian.
MU: You really think he is a great actor?
Villano: No...oh...I meant something that rhymes with thespian.
MU: Does it have an "L" in it?
Villano: Never you mind.
Villano: I preferred the name we gave him earlier...K- Dawg.
Villano: Because he is a loyal servant. Very obedient.
MU: I'll just leave that alone.
MU: But I thought Kevin Nash gave him the nickname K-Dawg?
Villano: Nash is a good man. A bit too arrogant, even for an American. But he overheard us call him K-Dawg backstage once when we were making him chase a tennis ball around. He liked the idea and made it public.
MU: Ahh, a mystery solved! How about La Parka?
Villano: A young up and comer. Makes no secret about his desire to join the "Revolution"!
MU: And your thoughts?
Villano: Don't tell him this..but I may be his papa.
Villano: Well, me and about 40 other members of the familia... VIVA LA VILLANOS!!!!!
MU: That's harsh dude.
Villano: This is Mexico Amigo!! Love it or be trampled!
MU: How about all the other Luchadors?
Villano: Many are rather harmless. Except I may as well take this time to advise Senor Juventud Guerrera to step off before he.....annoys us further.
MU: I heard that he is going to be unmasked soon.
Villano: Expect a surprise.
MU: What? Is he really ugly?
Villano: No, he has a baby face, and almost no testosterone whatsoever.
MU: He looks like a woman?
Villano: A teenage girl actually...remember that film called "The Crying Game"?
Villano: Well, when you see him without the mask, you'll start crying.
MU: I guess we'll see. So, how has he been....annoying you further?
Villano: He has been quite vocal with ideas of rebuilding the Mysterio Resistance Guerrillas.
MU: And why would that bother a family who sells masks?
Villano: Those Rey masks are awfully colorful.
MU: I see. Hey, just for the Hell of it...
Villano: That should be, "Just for the Villano of it".
MU: Oh geez, you just said..... you know what, forget it. I'll rephrase; So, just for the Villano of it..
Villano: Much better.
MU: Exactly what would you do with Juventud Guerrera?
Villano: I would hang him by his "Juvees" and fly him around in a helicopter.
MU: I see....been watching "Scarface" huh?
Villano: Yes, "You don't F&%$ with Tony Montana".
MU: Except in the flick, they just hung him around the neck.
Villano: Such is the way of the FAMILIA!!
MU: For my own safety, I'll drop the subject.
Villano: We would show him what "Air Juvee" is all about...Villano style!
MU: uhhhh....Paul Heyman and ECW?
Villano: Those boys are LOCO!
MU: Boy I'll say!
Villano: Of course, they stole the barbed wire concept from us.
MU: I thought they stole it from Japan.
Villano: And where do you think Japan got it?
MU: No kidding? Another mystery solved.
Villano: We are drawing closer to the end.
MU: Yes, how about a quick few more names.
MU: Diamond Dallas Page?
Villano: Hot chica of a wife.
MU: The Giant?
Villano: Reinforced toilet seat
MU: Roddy Piper?
Villano: I'll send him a case of Oil of Olay when I send Hogan the Rogaine.
MU: Shawn Michaels?
Villano: He is known only as "HBGAY" in the homeland.
MU: Bret Hart?
Villano: The only obstacle in the Canadian Invasion. Will be dealt with in a "time honored tradition"!
MU: Haven't you heard? He doesn't follow the "time honored tradition"!
Villano: He doesn't? Why Bret? Why?
MU: Mike Tenay?
Villano: Thinks he knows everything when he knows nothing.
MU: Tony Schiavone?
Villano: Does he ever call the matches?
MU: Bobby Heenan?
Villano: What the Hell happened to him? He used to be funny!
MU: And finally, Sting?
Villano: Someone switched him with a resurrected Brandon Lee.
MU: They can't resurrect people.
Villano: You just keep on thinking that amigo. The less you know about the regime..the better.
MU: Well, I can't thank you enough for the interview...whoever you are.
Villano: You may thank us after you're back on American soil. Until then...bark for us.
MU: Oh come on...
Villano: BARK LIKE A DOG!!!
MU: Uhhh, ummm bow wow?
MU: RUFF RUFF RUFF BOWOW WOWO BOW WOW
Villano: Hmmph...it's better than Mysterio ever did. You may go now.
MU: Hey, do you think you could set me up with Salma Hayek?
Villano: I'd start running now, dog...and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
Villano: VIVA LA VILLANOS!!!! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!!