- Chris Hyatte

What I’d like to do now is show a few responses to people whom I have advised:

This one was from the overweight clerk at the all-night deli who was wondering how he should handle the cute girl who asked him to go on a trip.  From the column two weeks ago: (which is not archived because Flea is still new at this net thing.)

This one was from the overweight clerk at the all-night deli who was wondering how he should handle the cute girl who asked him to go on a trip.  From the column two weeks ago:

Im the overweight guy who went on a trip with a girl I work with. She made it clear without saying anything specific nothing was goona happen by making sure we had 2 beds in hotel. Was I disapponted? Sure. Did I expect something?  Not really.  Cool thing was that I got to see her in the morning and no matter how bad I may or may not look I look the same when I wake up she had some work to do.  Off the subject, Don’t know if you have ever been overweight or may be, But the last advice I need is to lose some weight.  I know I do I will probably die fat not that I want to be it just the way it is. Thanks for your advice. You are earning every penny Flea is paying ya.

Lastly I read all 4200 words of your story. Was very interesting didnt seem like 4200 words to me. Thinking that is a good thing.


Well, at least you have a good outlook on your future.  It’s a rare thing.

You have quite a decent attitude, perhaps a bit over-realistic, but it’s better than being depressed 24/7.

This one isn’t from the writer, per se, but it’s from another teacher who read the advice I gave two teachers in the 8-23 column and had this to say:

Sorry no BS or ego stroking, although I have enjoyed your work for a long time.

Anyway, I'm also an overworked underappreciated English teacher. One or two mistakes in your advise to the guy with a kid. Private colleges and universities pay MUCH less than teaching public high school, I would imagine even elite acadamies, because EVERYONE wants a job like that. It's hard to go back to school too, because you feel like you are supporting your family and teachers usually have good health insurace. This is parmount when you have a baby. This guy is in a tough situation, I can understand because it is very close to my own except I still love teaching. I don't know what I'd do if I hated going to work every day. If he really hates teaching, he can make as much money managing a video store or something. You advice to the other guy was dead on though. YOu can't approach kids like you be down wit dem. They can spot BS a mile away. I teach in a fairly urban school (20% African American) and I grew up on a farm in Iowa. I just don't try to be anyone who I am not.

Good luck, I really love your contributions to this site, especially since your passion for wrestling seems to have waned, much like mine has.

Take it easy, or if you can't take it hard,


So basically, I batted a solid 600 on that one.

Bottom line, teaching won’t make you rich.  But if it’s your career, might as well try your best to make it a good one.  I still say that, while private academia doesn’t pay much either, at least you’ll get more willing students.

Finally, this is from last week’s column with the guy and the sister with the dog and they are all coming over and he doesn’t like the dog and…

My sister ended up not going at all..... *sigh...*

The worst part is, it's actually my mom that made her feel guilty and convinced her to stay. With comments such as "Well, if something happens to the dog, don't go blaming us now..." I impressed myself by not ripping into her and ruining their vacation. We ended up having a good time, it's just too bad my sister wasn't there.

And she seems to be slowly gaining back her confidence, as she's gotten off those STUPID "anti-depressant pills" (that's another "rant" right there), and she's gotten several contracts for her new company, which is looking very promising. Plus the fact that she's had an on and off boyfriend for the past few months, in which she breaks up with him and he begs for her to take him back every once in a while. (As she says, it boosts her ego). So thanks for the advice, I think she'll be just fine. (I just hope that she finds the ability to break away from the dog for a while if she needs to, business wise).


There you go.

And thanks to all for the nice words about my story of Muffin, the Demon Dog.  I’ll do more of them as time goes on.

We start off by cleaning out the mailbox and answering some questions that are a couple of weeks old, hopefully they are still relevant to the person.  Be warned, the last question is a bit depressing.

yo Hyatte,

I'm a college Soph from Jax, FL. Last night, I'm talking w/ this chick on IM
that I liked in high school, and she tells me "anywho, I had a crush on you in
12 grade. i guess i was just curious as to if you knew or not."

She had an on/off boyfriend the whole time, and as best I know they broke a
few months ago. So why's she telling me this? to clear her conscience? does
she still wanna hook up?

Either way, what should I say? Do I tell her I liked her too, and maybe go
for it, or is this just nostalgia of a past era, dead along with countless
other high school experiences?

Basically, I'm writing to you because I need guidance in this matter from
someone other than all my teenage friends; from someone with real life
experience. Please help a brother out.



Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, wouldaaahhh JUST ASK THE GIRL OUT ON A DATE!!!  Jeeze.  This isn’t rocket science. You liked her.  You found out she liked you.  If she lives close enough, just ask her.  She says no, then so what.  You’re in Florida, there are girls in Florida last time I checked.  She says  yes, then go out, have fun, and see what happens.  That’s it, that’s all.  Boom, done, finito.

Here’s one from a real, life chick!  Wow!


I met a guy who, just like me, had ended a relationship. Things snowballed pretty quickly and in all the giddiness, got to the point of talking about moving in together. We had fun together, the sex was incredible and the L word was thrown around. In hindsight, I can see we were two hurt people reaching out to prove we were still lovable. That how incredibly fucked up our previous relationships were (I was with a married man and his fiancée told him out of the blue one day that she was sick of him - he found out later she had been cheating on him for months) had made us yearn for something that seemed as normal. Not the best start to anything.

Once the giddiness had ended, I started to see things I didn't like, such as his inability to accept responsibility unless it was kicking him in the ass. He realized he hadn't been single for five years and wanted to be ... so we ended the relationship and chose to stay friends. He's out being single and so am I. While I'm not thrilled about how things ended up, I'm glad I caught myself before I got too involved with someone who couldn't be what I needed, like an adult.

The problem is, he still says that he loves me. He still ends a messenger conversation with *kiss*. That bothers me. When I ask him to stop, he pouts. He questions me about my male friends. I don't question him about the girls he sees, because frankly I don't want to hear about it. The women he tends to go for are the hot and vapid - I was the exception being hot and intelligent.

Can we stay friends? I want to, he wants to, but lately all our conversations include a snap fest. Either he starts acting like things didn't change or starts to tell me about the latest bimbo ...I snap, he snaps back and we spend time rehashing/apologizing. We tried not speaking but that lasted a day. How do you stay friends after things end?


You don’t.  He’s a jealous bitch who likes having his ego stroked by you.  That’s why he’s acting weird, he’s trying to walk a fine line and maintain a delicate balance between keeping you on the hook while not reeling you in.  Classic guy move, by the way.

Quit stroking his ego and see what happens.  Make a stand for yourself.  Next time he *kisses* you, tell him “sorry, I don’t know where those lips have been”.  That’ll torque him off.

And keep in mind, you are probably not the only girl he *kisses* to end a messenger chat. 

Now this one is a bit different, yet still involves sex!  You may want to hold onto your noses here, because the level of bullshit I put forth in the answer is a bit higher than normal.


I need some advice on mood and the way sex affects a man's subconscience.

Let me start off with a little history. I am 24 years old with a girlfriend of 2 years. Before, I met her, I was a lonely, shy guy, suffering from clinical depression. I had extreme moods and would always be up and down from one day to the next. The worst of it came during my teens, however, i would still have mood swings well into young adulthood.

After i met her, and after we started having sex (this was my first sexual experience ever), my moods subsided to a great deal. I no longer get terribly depressed about anything. The problem is that i no longer get terribly happy about anything either. My moods are about as flat as a pancake. The only emotion i ever display is anxiety, which is most likely due to my clinical depression. These effects were very similar to the effects i was feeling when i took anti-depressents, which is why i don't take them.

My question is, should i stop the sex as well? i know my gf will not be pleased (in more ways than one), and i know she wouldn't understand. i guess this would be a blessing to some people in my position, but i know its unhealthy, and it makes me feel worse even if i can't really cry about it. Plus, i'm a musician, so my livelyhood depends on feeling emotions both positive and negative....

oh well


And they say sex isn’t a drug… HA!!

Now understand, my knowledge on this topic is vague, at best, but hopefully enough to give you something to chew on:

You already know that you have a chemical imbalance; your brain is getting too much of one natural chemical and not enough of another, which throws the whole relay system out of whack.  Sad thing is, there is no “cure”.  You can’t change your genetic make-up – you can only re-adjust it.

Those drugs you were taking helped “re-adjust” the fucked up mixture of chemicals your brain is working with.  Since the drugs do not have your genetic code, they can’t give perfect results.  It just goes to show how little science still knows about the brain.  What they give is a “best guess” answer to what you need for balance.  Everyone is different, everyone’s a little snowflake.  So science has no choice but to make the dose powerful.

So, you’ve had sex.  Great.  And the after effects duplicate what the drugs were doing.  Why?  Well, see… umm…

The discharge of semen – the experience of orgasm is God’s way of letting humans have fun.  Procreation, being fruitful and multiplying, is very big with God, so he rewards people for doing it.  After sex, your brain releases endorphins, which make a be-line right for your pleasure zones.  If you ran ten miles hard, you’d feel the same way.  It’s your body telling itself to relax and chill after working itself hard.  You feel good, laid back, mellow, and happy.   Your brain is relaxed because the pressure is off.  You had an orgasm.  It’s Miller Time!

These endorphins: they are powerful little critters, the most powerful natural drug you have in us.  They are powerful enough to overtake the screwy chemicals running through you, just as the medicine does.  Thus, two different roads bring you to the same place.

Now this is my advice… it’s a guess, a big assumption on my part, but it won’t hurt to try.

Have MORE sex.  Fuck that little missy’s brains out.  Bang, bang, bang until your nuts shrivel up.  Let your body do what it’s built to do: adapt to the endorphins.  Hopefully, your body will get used to this natural new “drug” and restructure itself to incorporate it into your system (a lot easier for it to do than with the foreign medicines).  Once it adjusts, you may start emoting better.  You may go ahead and almost balance yourself out.  I say almost because I fear you’ll never be “normal”.  But you might start feeling better.

Oh, and ask your Doctor to lower your dosage.  Maybe the less potent the drug, the more “balanced” you’ll feel?  Again, I’m no expert here, but this is my best guess.

The key here is to NOT deny yourself sex.  You’ll just end up crazier than you already are.

Good luck.

My resume with the ladies isn't spectacular, but I've had my moments. I've been in a few relationships and learned a few lessons. Right now I'm not sure what I'm exactly "looking for" when it comes to girls, I just know that I'd like a little action.

So anyway, there's this girl who works at a local GameStop store who seems right up my alley. A petit, sexy firecracker who seems like my type (and the perfect age, to boot). I don't even know her name, but whenever I shop there we wind up talking the whole time. She isn't trying to sell me stuff either (in fact, she frequently recommends me to other video game stores). I'm not under some premature delusion that she's "into me," I just know that for now we click, and click rather well.

I'm sure its tricky, asking a girl out in retail. Horny schmucks without a clue must hit on these types all the time. Since I only ever see this girl when she's working behind a counter, what's the best way to work it? Though I wouldn't consider myself an extrovert, my good looks, sparkling wit, and offbeat charm can get a girl going once I get some time with her one-on-one. I'm sure I can work it fine, once I get her out of the store - but in the meantime, how do I conquer the whole "horny customer" stigma?

Thanks. You rule all.


First, watch her (not stalk the bitch, just observe) with other male customers similar to your age.  See if she’s like that with everyone, or if you’re a special case.

Second, one thing girls LOOOVE to do is drop the word “boyfriend” in casual chat.  It’s there way of letting you know they aren’t really “available” even if you weren’t going in that direction.  Has she dropped that word yet?  If she has, then walk away.

Third, if she checks out with #1 and hasn’t dropped the B word in #2, then just grow your balls, puff out your chest, hold your head up, walk straight and proud, go right up to her and say, “Umm… do you read 411 wrestling?  Ever hear of the Netcop Scott Keith and his Raw recaps?”

Then run away red faced after she stares at you like you’re from Mars. 

Go get her, tiger! 

Here’s a classic letter dealing with a classic, oh-so FRUSTRATING situation: what to do when you’ve entered the friendship zone! 

This one's a bit complicated. I have been friends with this girl since I was a freshman in high school. We are extremely tight and she is probably my best friend. Over the past six months, I have realized that I have become extremely attracted to her. We have always joked about dating, but she always pulls the "I don't want to jeopardize our friendship" card. She is currently involved in a relationship, but it's one of those things where you just know it isn't going anywhere. But, the guy is an all right guy and I am sort of friends with him (although strictly because he is dating my best friend). The other night, the girl, her boyfriend, myself and my date (strictly a friend) went to a wedding together. Of course, as oft times happens at weddings, we all had a little too much to drink. After the wedding, we went to a local bar. She and I were talking and after buying her a drink and casually commenting that she looked nice, she started crying. She told me that I treat her better than her boyfriend does and she doesn't know what she is stil doing with him. She then asked me what she should do and told me I am her best friend and I always give her the best advice. I told her that I didn't know and I'd have to think about it. I have several options: a) tell her that she should break up with him and then make my move, b) keep my mouth shut, hold on for the inevitable breakup and then make a move, c) Not wait for the breakup and let her know how I feel about her and ask her to make a choice, d) Not say anything, for fear of "jeopardizing the friendship" and hope that either she takes an initiative or someone else comes along to take my mind off of her.

Sorry for the Who Wants to Be a Milllionaire-style list of options. Thanks in advance for any help/insight you can give to me. I am a longtime fan and can honestly say you are one of the few people on the internet whose work has actually made me laugh aloud while I was sitting at my computer. Keep up the good work and thanks again.




Dude, dude, dude.

There are only two types of guys girls confess their innermost hardships to: Longtime boyfriends and gay best friends.  Guess which one YOU are.

Doesn’t matter if you’re not gay.  In her mind, you might as well be.

A:  Tell her to dump the slob and she won’t.  Girls are famous for doing the exact opposite of what their friends advise.  Besides, all the boyfriend has to do is be really nice to her for an hour and she’ll be his unconditionally all over again. 

B:  Just sit there and hope to God she breaks up with him before he knocks her up.  Then you’ll have to wait the pre-requisite 6 months… that’s right, 6 months for her to get over him before making your move.  Oh, and she’ll have sex during those six months, just to celebrate her new-found freedom.  You’ll want a long term relationship, she won’t want to jump right into a new one so fast.

C:  Make her choose and you’ll lose.  The gay friend always loses to the stiff cock.  But, if you HAVE to give her that particular speech, go rent “Chasing Amy” and memorize that pussy Ben Affleck’s “I love you” speech to Joey Lauren Adams.  It’s cheesy and weak, and she probably knows it by heart, but if you paraphrase it just a bit it might, just might, work.

D:  If her friendship is so important to you, then don’t bother jeopardizing it. 

I see you being fucked, no matter how you approach this.  I’ve been wrong before but… oy vey… put it this way:  if you manage to get a real love relationship going, on the day she says yes you are to go out and by a Lottery ticket… because you luck is running hot. 

That clears out the mailbox, let’s jump to some new questions.  Starting with a simple one of a philosophical nature.

If you could only choose ONE for the rest of your life, would it be

-perfect sex (ideal body type, willing to do anything at anytime) without the possibility of emotional attachment or

-perfect love (will never cheat on you, never break your heart etc.) barring the idea that there would EVER be intercourse between you?

I'd like to know.

Thank you for your time.




If I want option B, I’d go buy a fucking dog.



I know you are smarter than the average bear. I've followed your (checkered) career since the old Scoops days. I KNOW you're not a moron. I'm smart, too (31 ACT, 1480 SAT, 99th percentile on both). I've been reading your advice column on the Flea tip, and almost always agree with what you say.

And, I'm married with a kid, and happy as hell.

What I wonder is this: do you worry that what you tell some poor schmuck to do to fix his problem might not work? That, sometimes, you make their life worse?

I totally agree w/ caveat emptor and all, and I assume that someone asking an Internet personality to help them out are pretty much rock-bottom as it is, and this is a sweet run-on sentence, but do you have any worries that what you tell someone, no matter how good your intention was, fucks them up royally?

I don't think I could do it. But maybe that just makes me a huge puss.


Nope, because I know I’m right.  Plus, if I have doubts, I’ll come out and say, “Look, this is the best I can do”.  In fact, I do that very thing in the next question.

Besides, although the questions in this particular installment are more varied, it’s really tough for me to ruin one’s life when the question at hand is about relationships with the opposite sex.

I’m not telling people what to do, I’m simply presenting them with an overview of what I see, and how to best approach the situation.

Oh, and I’ve kissed my twenties goodbye already.

Hi there.

Hyatte I have a little problem and, quite frankly, need all the advice i can  get cos its a bit unusual. I just started college and in my first class, my immediate focus became that of a girl. She's beautiful. Stunning body.  Jesus I'd fuck her through a wall. But that was all a passing thought at  the time, going into a totally new class filled with new people, I just kinda stalled on her. The lecturer was a complete douche and had us paired in alphabetical order for the first few classes so he could get our names memorised, and the luck of the draw was that we, both being S's were placed together. It was awkward at first, you know the drill if you've ever been in a silent class room seated next to possibly the best looking real-life chick you've ever seen.

Strange thing was, I was really shy, and I'm a pretty out-going person, so this was almost new to me, also I've never felt self concious about my appearance before, something was wrong.

So i got home that night, pretty much went straight to bed as far as I remember. The days went by and I developed a liking for her, which grew over the days because we got more and more comfortable with eachother, went out for coffee once or twice. Nothing huge but I had a feeling. Then one night we kissed. Just out of the blue, she kissed me, leaving me standing outside her house, but then she turned round and gave me this look, and I swore that  I knew that look from somewhere.

That night i got home, decided that I should do something to take my mind off her, since thats all I had thought about for the last few days, so I decided cleaning up my computer could take up some time. Oh Boy. Searching through old files can be fun, but christ, this isn't funny. I stumbled across my old porn folder. For a time this was my treasure, my baby.  looking through all the files, i started paying some mpegs and thats when it happened:

"Celeste fucks hard in the kitchen, 80.1MB, 8min 31sec".

She is Celeste. She is. Well obviously shes not, but if Celeste has a long lost twin sister, this is without a doubt her. My problem is that i just cant look at this girl anymore. I'm frightened that if we get closer and have sex, I'll squirt early or something, really, these are the thoughts I'm having. It's never happened before like but this is different, this porn was good. And I mean it, Celeste owned kobe tai. This isn't really a question of wether or not I have sex with her, I'm really just seeking advice on how to block out the mental effect this is having on me, because now it's like shes famous or something in my eyes, and the nerves keep creeping up and I dont want that to ruin things for me.

feel free to edit out the pointless ramble, and id appreciate annonymity as theres every possibility someone i know reads you, I'd get fucking bombed for this heh.

(Name Withheld)

Before I answer, let me make sure the rest of you understand that the girl in question is NOT “Celeste”, just a look-a-like.  I only point this out because It took me a couple of reads before catching that small sentence: She is Celeste. She is. Well obviously shes not, but if Celeste has a long lost twin sister, this is without a doubt her.

So basically the question is.. what to do when you KNOW you’ll be a “Three Hump Chump” that first time around.

Incidentally, the man was nice enough to send me a picture of “Celeste”.  Rest assured, he is not kidding; the girl is amazing.

Here’s how you handle situations like this:

1)      Jack-off before hand.  I know this ground has been covered in “There’s Something About Mary”, but it is legit.  Getting “prepared” a few hours before showtime will relax you, and get your anxiety out of the way so you can chill and just have fun with her.

2)      Get to know her.  Get comfortable being around her.  She is just a girl.  Just a person, made up of all the same material that you are made of.  Right now, you have her high on a pedastal.  Stop that.  She’s nothing special.  She just looks better than most.  Her pussy is in the same place all pussies from every skank you’ve banged is.  Hers is just a wee bit more mysterious and a wee bit more wonderful.  Don’t hump her until she seems more “real” to you.  That’ll help you maintain control.

3)      Your fingers and tongue are your friends.  Please don’t be afraid to use them before putting Mr. Big Stuff into play.

4)      And for crying out loud, either delete or BURY that porn collection on your PC.   What if you become very close and she snoops around one day while you are showering or something?

5)      You have a grandmother, right?  Pretend you’re on top of her while you are screwing   away.

6)      And for Christ sakes, be cool.  Just be cool. 

Now, even if you do ALL that and are STILL worried, just before you tap it for the first time, hit her with this little hunk of bullshit:

“Baby, you drive me so crazy, I don’t think I’ll be able to hold it in too long.  It’s your fault, you’re so fucking beautiful I can’t stand it.”

Works every time… err… according to what I’ve heard before… yeah

Good luck, you lucky bastard

It seems my situation is a little trivial compared to some of the stuff you get, but an outside opinion would be nice.  I'm a nice guy with a great personality, easy to connect with, with slightly below average looks (probably a C-). Enough about me, let's get to my problem.

Recently at a party, I met a girl and we hit it off rather well. We spent most of the night talking, and nothing beyond that happened. The problem is I'm 28, and i found the next day that she is 18. My friends remind that 18 is perfectly legal, and that i should pursue her if i'm interested. My problem is that i'm at a point in my life where what i'm looking for a long-term relationship, and someone 10 years younger than me doesn't seem to fit into that picture. I'm not really interested in "hit that shit and get" as i like to be a little more dedicated to a person before i jump in the sack with them.

It's not like i have trouble meeting women my age. She was definitely the youngest person at that party, and i was far from being the oldest. I do a good deal of bar-hopping with friends and meet women that way.

My question is, should i give this girl a chance to show me that "age doesn't matter"? I feel that we really connected, and could be good friends. I just don't want to do something stupid and wreck the chance of that.

Name withheld please

Look, don’t take this personally.

But what the FUCK??

You sound like a chick with all this long term thinking.  Do you HAVE balls?  Better feel around and double-check.

What makes you think SHE isn’t into older men and would LIKE to have a peaceful monogamous relationship?  Girls DO mature faster than men, you know.

You’ll never know unless you try her out.  Take her for a few test drives.  What’s with all this “but what if she…” bullshit?  This is what dating is FOR!  To TEST THE MERCHANDISE.

And you’re not getting any younger, chief; how many more 18 year old girls do YOU think you’ll be attracting?

Plus, she’ll be eager to show you how “grown-up” she is.  There are a multiple number of ways to take that sentence, all of them cool.

Shut up and taste that lettuce; it’ll never be fresher. 

Good Lord.

I’m 22, 5'9 and weigh 285. Now, I am a Large Guy, but in High School, I Weighed 170 and Played Hockey and Baseball. While Playing, Me and some of my Teammates took some Pills we nicknamed "blues" to give us a quick Energy boost for Games. Nothing Illegal, But still drugs none the less. My Junior Year, I completely destroyed my Knee. Torn ACL, Strained MCL, Dislocated Patella, some Nerve Damage. Basically ended my sports Career (Not that I was going anywhere but oh well). Anyway, The Pills I had Been Taking contained a Large Amount of ephedrine. Because the ephedrines effect was to boost you’re Metabolism, and we took them so often for so long, It Screwed up my Natural Metabolism. So Once I Quit Taking them, My Metabolism Crashed out to dangerously low Levels. During the few Months afterwards, I gained about 60 Lbs., and Slept the better part of 16 hours a day.

Now, during this Time, Pretty much everyone who I hung out with magically disappeared. I Wasn’t Skilled, didn’t have a good Body, and Suddenly I was this Freak. My senior year was by far the worse experience of my life, as I went from one of the “boys” to a common Schmoe. During this time, my only Friend was the Girl I was dating at the time. She Stuck with me, and was the one true Person to me. We went to college together for two years before we broke it off and she transferred. Since then, I’ve Been Single. Confidence is my major problem. When I needed to look, I was a fairly good looking guy who people Flocked too. Now, I’m this guy who has No Clue what’s going on. It’s not even completely the confidence, As much as I never know what to say or how to say it. I have No Clue what the hell I’m doing.

Anyway, that’s my Story. One girl I’ve Dated Basically my Whole Life, She’s Gone, And I have No Clue how to move on. I’m currently working with a Personal Trainer to lose more weight. At my Peak I was 345. It’s taken a lot of work just to get my Metabolism back to a normal (albeit still very low rate)

So Basically, What Do I Do.? Where Do I Get the Confidence, any suggestions on how to Lose Weight Quicker (No Drugs)?


If you have a personal trainer on hand, he should have all the answers.  Jesus, bitch, you’re paying the guy, right?

The good news is that your body is re-setting itself.  Those drugs changed your body’s chemistry, just like the guy with the anxiety problems up top.  You must have taken a LOT of the “Blues” because your body adjusted to them and worked WITH what they did to you.  Once you stopped putting them into your system, your body had to adjust.  That’s why you crashed and gained 60 pounds.  Your body didn’t know what to do, so it shut down and rebooted.

Once it returns to it’s normal “settings”, you shouldn’t have a problem going back to your normal design.  Eventually, your metabolism will get back to normal. 

See, when you take a drug that works directly on one organ (nicotine works on the lungs, booze works on the liver, etc, etc) that’s when serious problems arise.  The metabolism isn’t maintained by just one organ, it is run by a bunch of your organs acting in concert.  That gives your body the upper hand; because instead of just organ fighting the effects of the drug, you have multiple organs waging war.  It means a more decisive victory with far less damage.

So basically what I’m saying is that when your body has rebooted, and if you put just a little work into shaking off that fat, (eat right and exercise), you’ll be back to your old self in not time, and the confidence will return with it.


Ok, As Stupid as this Sounds, Its not a joke.

I like to Look at Transexual Porn. I Still love being with Women, but this is like some sick twisted dirty pleasue thing I have. I Was just curious what you think is wrong with me, if anything. I dont actually want to be with a shemale, but something about looking at them in pictures turns me on...


I got this letter twenty minutes after the letter right above it, from the same name.  I asked the guy about it and he was like, “what?”  Looks like a bud of his is playing a joke.

The answer, of course, is you are gay, dude and it’s freaking you out so much that you don’t even realize that you’re gay, but trust me, you want your fudge PACKED.

Plus you want to feel “pretty”.


We wrap up on a very serious note.  Although I certainly can’t speak for the person asking the question, I do promise you that every word I say in my response is 100% true:

Okay, here’s one for you. About a month ago I found out that my grandfather put his hands on my baby sister when she was 5 years old. This was about 18 years ago when he had a very bad drinking problem and was living with my family. Now, he lives in a one bedroom apartment in a less than desirable area of town. He only has one leg and gets around in a wheelchair when he actually gets out of bed. How do I interact with this man now? I want to hurt him but then I think that maybe life has dealt some serious karma on his ass. But, what do I do? I used to visit with him most every Sunday but it’s been about a month and he’s calling wondering where I am. What do I do?

No Name Given

I have a cousin.  His name is Eric.  He is a cokehead.  He is 25, has no car, is a pathological liar, spends his paycheck just as soon as he gets it, and he has yet to start a sentence without opening with the words: “Can you do me a favor?”

He is also one of the dumbest fucks I’ve ever met.  No, really, he would be dumb even if he was cleaner than a newborn’s ass. 

He lives with his father and his two elderly aunts, one of whom is fresh out of the hospital from something serious… I forget what but rest assured, it’s one of those old age things that make getting old so much fun. 

The other night I was at his Mom’s – my aunts- house for dinner.   The phone rang.  I picked it up and heard a huge clutter, like someone just tripped over some wooden chairs.  Then I heard an old woman’s voice start to cry and scream “Oh my God” over and over.  For ten minutes, I sat there and listened to this old woman – this 80 year old woman – sob and moan.  Then she hung up.

The next day, I found out that my cousin the cokehead… the 25 year old tough guy, shoved his 80 year old aunt down and took money out of her purse to go get more drugs.  She won’t press charges and neither will his father because they are both (and the mother – my aunt – is under the same delusion) that their “precious Eric” wouldn’t survive in jail, and only love and tolerance will get that “demon” out of him.

They’re partially right, the kid wouldn’t last a day in hard-core jail.

Now, in about a year, I will be moving far away from Rhode Island.  All my energy is going into this project, so I will not do anything, even though my body and my sense of decency demands that I do, to mess that up.  After all, if they refuse to press charges, then it’s really their fault.  If they want to be stupid morons, then so be it.  I won’t do anything right now because I don’t need the aggravation.

But… on the day I leave, this I swear to Christ Himself, I will find my cousin and hurt him, for real, and permanent.  I will fuck him up until he is barely recognizable.  He is going to pay… he is going to pay dearly.  None of you know what I look like, but trust me… fucking trust me when I say that I am built like a fucking football player.  There isn’t anyone reading who would willfully fuck with me if they saw me.

Fuck your grandfather.  Drinking was just a convenient excuse.  He is a worthless piece of shit who has lived a long life without paying for his deeds.  Let him spend the rest of his days learning that not all actions are forgivable.  Fuck him up his bony, crippled old ass.

It’s never too late to get punished, as my fuckface cousin is about to learn.  I am going to scar him for life.

Hate to end on such a downer, but it would be silly to jump into another question about asking a girl out.  So we’ll end it here.

This is Hyatte


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