HYATTE'S GUIDE TO LIFE
- Chris Hyatte
What I’d like to do now is show a few responses to people whom I have advised:
This one was from the overweight clerk at the all-night deli who was wondering how he should handle the cute girl who asked him to go on a trip. From the column two weeks ago: (which is not archived because Flea is still new at this net thing.)
This one was from the overweight clerk at the all-night deli who was wondering how he should handle the cute girl who asked him to go on a trip. From the column two weeks ago:
Well, at least you have a good outlook on your future. It’s a rare thing.
You have quite a decent attitude, perhaps a bit over-realistic, but it’s better than being depressed 24/7.
This one isn’t from the writer, per se, but it’s from another teacher who read the advice I gave two teachers in the 8-23 column and had this to say:
line, teaching won’t make you rich.
But if it’s your career, might as well try your best to make it
a good one. I still say
that, while private academia doesn’t pay much either, at least
you’ll get more willing students.
this is from
last week’s column with the guy and the sister with the
dog and they are all coming over and he doesn’t like the dog and…
There you go.
And thanks to all for the nice words about my story of Muffin, the Demon Dog. I’ll do more of them as time goes on.
We start off by cleaning out the mailbox and answering some questions that are a couple of weeks old, hopefully they are still relevant to the person. Be warned, the last question is a bit depressing.
Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Coulda, wouldaaahhh JUST ASK THE GIRL OUT ON A DATE!!! Jeeze. This isn’t rocket science. You liked her. You found out she liked you. If she lives close enough, just ask her. She says no, then so what. You’re in Florida, there are girls in Florida last time I checked. She says yes, then go out, have fun, and see what happens. That’s it, that’s all. Boom, done, finito.
You don’t. He’s a jealous bitch who likes having his ego stroked by you. That’s why he’s acting weird, he’s trying to walk a fine line and maintain a delicate balance between keeping you on the hook while not reeling you in. Classic guy move, by the way.
Quit stroking his ego and see what happens. Make a stand for yourself. Next time he *kisses* you, tell him “sorry, I don’t know where those lips have been”. That’ll torque him off.
And keep in mind, you are probably not the only girl he *kisses* to end a messenger chat.
Now this one is a bit different, yet still involves sex! You may want to hold onto your noses here, because the level of bullshit I put forth in the answer is a bit higher than normal.
And they say sex isn’t a drug… HA!!
understand, my knowledge on this topic is vague, at best, but hopefully
enough to give you something to chew on:
already know that you have a chemical imbalance; your brain is getting
too much of one natural chemical and not enough of another, which throws
the whole relay system out of whack.
Sad thing is, there is no “cure”.
You can’t change your genetic make-up – you can only
drugs you were taking helped “re-adjust” the fucked up mixture of
chemicals your brain is working with.
Since the drugs do not have your genetic code, they can’t give
perfect results. It just
goes to show how little science still knows about the brain.
What they give is a “best guess” answer to what you need for
balance. Everyone is
different, everyone’s a little snowflake.
So science has no choice but to make the dose powerful.
you’ve had sex. Great.
And the after effects duplicate what the drugs were doing.
Why? Well, see…
discharge of semen – the experience of orgasm is God’s way of
letting humans have fun. Procreation,
being fruitful and multiplying, is very big with God, so he rewards
people for doing it. After
sex, your brain releases endorphins, which make a be-line right for your
pleasure zones. If you ran ten miles hard, you’d feel the same way.
It’s your body telling itself to relax and chill after working
itself hard. You feel good,
laid back, mellow, and happy.
Your brain is relaxed because the pressure is off.
You had an orgasm. It’s Miller Time!
endorphins: they are powerful little critters, the most powerful natural
drug you have in us. They
are powerful enough to overtake the screwy chemicals running through
you, just as the medicine does. Thus,
two different roads bring you to the same place.
this is my advice… it’s a guess, a big assumption on my part, but it
won’t hurt to try.
MORE sex. Fuck that little
missy’s brains out. Bang,
bang, bang until your nuts shrivel up.
Let your body do what it’s built to do: adapt to the
endorphins. Hopefully, your
body will get used to this natural new “drug” and restructure itself
to incorporate it into your system (a lot easier for it to do than with
the foreign medicines). Once
it adjusts, you may start emoting better.
You may go ahead and almost balance yourself out.
I say almost because I fear you’ll never be “normal”.
But you might start feeling better.
and ask your Doctor to lower your dosage.
Maybe the less potent the drug, the more “balanced” you’ll
feel? Again, I’m no
expert here, but this is my best guess.
key here is to NOT deny yourself sex. You’ll just end up crazier than you already are.
First, watch her (not stalk the bitch, just observe) with other male customers similar to your age. See if she’s like that with everyone, or if you’re a special case.
one thing girls LOOOVE to do is drop the word “boyfriend” in casual
chat. It’s there way of
letting you know they aren’t really “available” even if you
weren’t going in that direction.
Has she dropped that word yet?
If she has, then walk away.
if she checks out with #1 and hasn’t dropped the B word in #2, then
just grow your balls, puff out your chest, hold your head up, walk
straight and proud, go right up to her and say, “Umm… do you read
411 wrestling? Ever hear of
the Netcop Scott Keith and his Raw recaps?”
run away red faced after she stares at you like you’re from Mars.
get her, tiger!
a classic letter dealing with a classic, oh-so FRUSTRATING situation:
what to do when you’ve entered the friendship zone!
are only two types of guys girls confess their innermost hardships to:
Longtime boyfriends and gay best friends.
Guess which one YOU are.
matter if you’re not gay. In
her mind, you might as well be.
Tell her to dump the slob and she won’t.
Girls are famous for doing the exact opposite of what their
friends advise. Besides,
all the boyfriend has to do is be really nice to her for an hour and
she’ll be his unconditionally all over again.
Just sit there and hope to God she breaks up with him before he
knocks her up. Then
you’ll have to wait the pre-requisite 6 months… that’s right, 6
months for her to get over him before making your move.
Oh, and she’ll have sex during those six months, just to
celebrate her new-found freedom. You’ll
want a long term relationship, she won’t want to jump right into a new
one so fast.
Make her choose and you’ll lose.
The gay friend always loses to the stiff cock.
But, if you HAVE to give her that particular speech, go rent
“Chasing Amy” and memorize that pussy Ben Affleck’s “I love
you” speech to Joey Lauren Adams.
It’s cheesy and weak, and she probably knows it by heart, but
if you paraphrase it just a bit it might, just might, work.
If her friendship is so important to you, then don’t bother
see you being fucked, no matter how you approach this.
I’ve been wrong before but… oy vey… put it this way:
if you manage to get a real love relationship going, on the day
she says yes you are to go out and by a Lottery ticket… because you
luck is running hot.
clears out the mailbox, let’s jump to some new questions.
Starting with a simple one of a philosophical nature.
If I want option B,
I’d go buy a fucking dog.
because I know I’m right. Plus,
if I have doubts, I’ll come out and say, “Look, this is the best I
can do”. In fact, I do
that very thing in the next question.
although the questions in this particular installment are more varied,
it’s really tough for me to ruin one’s life when the question at
hand is about relationships with the opposite sex.
not telling people what to do, I’m simply presenting them with an
overview of what I see, and how to best approach the situation.
and I’ve kissed my twenties goodbye already.
answer, let me make sure the rest of you understand that the girl in
question is NOT “Celeste”, just a look-a-like.
I only point this out because It took me a couple of reads before
catching that small sentence: She is Celeste. She is. Well obviously shes not, but if Celeste has a
long lost twin sister, this is without a doubt her.
So basically the question is.. what to do when you KNOW you’ll be a “Three Hump Chump” that first time around.
Incidentally, the man was nice enough to send me a picture of “Celeste”. Rest assured, he is not kidding; the girl is amazing.
Here’s how you handle situations like this:
1) Jack-off before hand. I know this ground has been covered in “There’s Something About Mary”, but it is legit. Getting “prepared” a few hours before showtime will relax you, and get your anxiety out of the way so you can chill and just have fun with her.
2) Get to know her. Get comfortable being around her. She is just a girl. Just a person, made up of all the same material that you are made of. Right now, you have her high on a pedastal. Stop that. She’s nothing special. She just looks better than most. Her pussy is in the same place all pussies from every skank you’ve banged is. Hers is just a wee bit more mysterious and a wee bit more wonderful. Don’t hump her until she seems more “real” to you. That’ll help you maintain control.
fingers and tongue are your friends.
Please don’t be afraid to use them before putting
Mr. Big Stuff into play.
for crying out loud, either delete or BURY that porn collection on your
PC. What if you
become very close and she snoops around one day while you are showering
have a grandmother, right? Pretend
you’re on top of her while you are screwing
for Christ sakes, be cool. Just
even if you do ALL that and are STILL worried, just before you tap it
for the first time, hit her with this little hunk of bullshit:
you drive me so crazy, I don’t think I’ll be able to hold it in too
long. It’s your fault,
you’re so fucking beautiful I can’t stand it.”
every time… err… according to what I’ve heard before… yeah
luck, you lucky bastard
Look, don’t take this personally.
what the FUCK??
sound like a chick with all this long term thinking. Do you HAVE balls? Better
feel around and double-check.
makes you think SHE isn’t into older men and would LIKE to have a
peaceful monogamous relationship? Girls
DO mature faster than men, you know.
You’ll never know unless you try her out. Take her for a few test drives. What’s with all this “but what if she…” bullshit? This is what dating is FOR! To TEST THE MERCHANDISE.
you’re not getting any younger, chief; how many more 18 year old girls
do YOU think you’ll be attracting?
she’ll be eager to show you how “grown-up” she is. There are a multiple number of ways to take that sentence,
all of them cool.
up and taste that lettuce; it’ll never be fresher.
If you have a personal trainer on hand, he should have all the answers. Jesus, bitch, you’re paying the guy, right?
The good news is that your body is re-setting itself. Those drugs changed your body’s chemistry, just like the guy with the anxiety problems up top. You must have taken a LOT of the “Blues” because your body adjusted to them and worked WITH what they did to you. Once you stopped putting them into your system, your body had to adjust. That’s why you crashed and gained 60 pounds. Your body didn’t know what to do, so it shut down and rebooted.
Once it returns to it’s normal “settings”, you shouldn’t have a problem going back to your normal design. Eventually, your metabolism will get back to normal.
See, when you take a drug that works directly on one organ (nicotine works on the lungs, booze works on the liver, etc, etc) that’s when serious problems arise. The metabolism isn’t maintained by just one organ, it is run by a bunch of your organs acting in concert. That gives your body the upper hand; because instead of just organ fighting the effects of the drug, you have multiple organs waging war. It means a more decisive victory with far less damage.
So basically what I’m saying is that when your body has rebooted, and if you put just a little work into shaking off that fat, (eat right and exercise), you’ll be back to your old self in not time, and the confidence will return with it.
Stupid as this Sounds, Its not a joke.
got this letter twenty minutes after the letter right above it, from the
same name. I asked the guy
about it and he was like, “what?”
Looks like a bud of his is playing a joke.
answer, of course, is you are gay, dude and it’s freaking you out so
much that you don’t even realize that you’re gay, but trust me, you
want your fudge PACKED.
Plus you want to feel “pretty”.
wrap up on a very serious note. Although
I certainly can’t speak for the person asking the question, I do
promise you that every word I say in my response is 100% true:
I have a cousin. His name is Eric. He is a cokehead. He is 25, has no car, is a pathological liar, spends his paycheck just as soon as he gets it, and he has yet to start a sentence without opening with the words: “Can you do me a favor?”
He is also one of the dumbest fucks I’ve ever met. No, really, he would be dumb even if he was cleaner than a newborn’s ass.
He lives with his father and his two elderly aunts, one of whom is fresh out of the hospital from something serious… I forget what but rest assured, it’s one of those old age things that make getting old so much fun.
The other night I was at his Mom’s – my aunts- house for dinner. The phone rang. I picked it up and heard a huge clutter, like someone just tripped over some wooden chairs. Then I heard an old woman’s voice start to cry and scream “Oh my God” over and over. For ten minutes, I sat there and listened to this old woman – this 80 year old woman – sob and moan. Then she hung up.
The next day, I found out that my cousin the cokehead… the 25 year old tough guy, shoved his 80 year old aunt down and took money out of her purse to go get more drugs. She won’t press charges and neither will his father because they are both (and the mother – my aunt – is under the same delusion) that their “precious Eric” wouldn’t survive in jail, and only love and tolerance will get that “demon” out of him.
They’re partially right, the kid wouldn’t last a day in hard-core jail.
Now, in about a year, I will be moving far away from Rhode Island. All my energy is going into this project, so I will not do anything, even though my body and my sense of decency demands that I do, to mess that up. After all, if they refuse to press charges, then it’s really their fault. If they want to be stupid morons, then so be it. I won’t do anything right now because I don’t need the aggravation.
But… on the day I leave, this I swear to Christ Himself, I will find my cousin and hurt him, for real, and permanent. I will fuck him up until he is barely recognizable. He is going to pay… he is going to pay dearly. None of you know what I look like, but trust me… fucking trust me when I say that I am built like a fucking football player. There isn’t anyone reading who would willfully fuck with me if they saw me.
Fuck your grandfather. Drinking was just a convenient excuse. He is a worthless piece of shit who has lived a long life without paying for his deeds. Let him spend the rest of his days learning that not all actions are forgivable. Fuck him up his bony, crippled old ass.
It’s never too late to get punished, as my fuckface cousin is about to learn. I am going to scar him for life.
Hate to end on such a downer, but it would be silly to jump into another question about asking a girl out. So we’ll end it here.
This is Hyatte
send feedback to Hyatte - GLORYDOG@COX.NET